Some questions about adoption/fostering?

Sorry this is so long--

There a child I would like to possibly adopt or foster.

The child is 3 years old (nearly 4) and currently living with his grandmother (his paternal one).

His father died a month after he was born and so he was living with his mom until she was arrested and he was put in foster care for 2 weeks and then given to the grandmother.

I’m a friend of the family. I was the fathers best friend and also lived with them form age 16 to 18. We’re like family so I’m like an aunt to this child (just not by blood).

Any way he has been with his grandmother for a year and a half now and she can’t cope with him anymore.

She has lung problems and she’s gotten really frail over the past year so I’ve been helping her out. Now even when I’m there its hard for her because of the constant attention he needs and he’s so lively etc. I started taking him to stay with me to give her a break but it’s still just too much and we discussed the situation (me, the grandmother and his aunt) and we all decided the best thing would be for me to take him.

(His aunt has 4 children, 2 are autistic and need a lot of care so she couldn’t take him either).

The problem is I don’t really know how to go about adopting or fostering him.

My first instinct was that we should contact the social worker who placed with his grandmother but my friend told me we shouldn’t do that.

She said that if we do that they will take him from his grandmother but they won’t give him to me because I’m not family.

Is that true?

I may not actually be family but I’m like family.

Would they really just hand him off to strangers over me?

I have a good job and a nice home. I live near his grandmother and cousins so he would see them all the time (in fact I see them almost everyday). I wouldn’t be taking him away from his family.

Also if they would let me have him which would be more appropriate adoption or long term fostering?

Does one have an advantage over the other?

If adoption would be better how do I go about terminating his mother’s legal rights?

Can that even be done while she is still incarcerated?

If I did long term fostering would there be a chance they could still put him another foster home?

I’m worried that if it’s long term fostering he could at some point be moved somewhere else (and I don’t want him growing up worrying about that either).

I realize these probably all sound like stupid questions but I had planned on asking the social worker all this but now I’m afraid to contact her.

Any advice on how we should proceed would be appreciated, especially if you've been in a similar experience.

Independ"ant"

I would say talk to the grandmother first because if she doesn't want you in the picture she could make it happen.

You may feel you are in a better position but grandma may say differently.

If you call social services two things will happen. If they feel he is being neglected or abused than they will take the child into temp. custody and placed with a relative or foster family if possible. Grandma can protest against you gaining custody and they will listen.
If they don't feel he's in a bad situation, you will lose all credibility and grandma will ban you from being around the child.

I would suggest being "auntie" and listen to your friend. Its your best chance in helping the child.
Think about the number of calls they receive everyday. Its bogging down the system.

Hope S

If the grandmother can't take care of him due to health then I believe you should call the social worker and have her come over and discuss it with you, the grandmother, and the aunt. It's nice to see that there are still some wonderful people in the world. Good Luck!

Jennifer L

Hmmm.....

I would recommend looking at getting guardianship of the child from whoever is the legal "parent". Is that the grandmother?

I think the situation is very understandable and the solution is very reasonable. It is so hard to find foster/adoptive parents for children older than infancy, that if you are already a close "family" member and the legal guardians agree to this, I can't imagine social services being so unreasonable.

You would probably need to take the steps to qualify you as a foster/adoptive home, meaning take the classes, do the homestudy, etc.

I would have a meeting with the child's social worker, along with the grandmother, the aunt and (if appropriate) the mother.

Best of luck to you!

mom of many

if the child was placed with the grandmother thru the courts (social services) then yu need to go thru them . Or have a lawyer go thru them. I have been in the same situation. You have to prove you have a relationship with this child, a bond. I had to get foster care certified first though. I would go to a lawyer or just call the case worker.

Wundt

You "friend" is wrong about contacting the social worker. You should call them right away and ask what you need to do to get certified as a foster parent. It will take a few months, but you might even be able to get a waiver on the licensing requirements so you can take the child while you complete the courses, interviews, and paperwork (if grandma is desperate).

Consider, if grandma goes to the social worker and says, "I can't do this any more", then the caseworker is left trying to find another foster home for the child, something often in short supply. Having someone ASKING to foster the child makes their life and job much easier.

Call them today!

Edit - I agree with the others that you should downplay the grandmother's health problems. Perhaps talk to the grandmother and have the two of you together meet with the caseworker about solutions.

cmc

I don't have 1st hand advice, but I would suggest talking to the social worker without mentioning that the grandma can't handle him. Tell her about your relationship with the boy, parents, etc and that you would like to consider fostering/adopting. I think adoption depends on how likely they would be to place the child with the mom when she is out of jail. The social worker could probably help with that info.

The perference is to get kids adopted vs long term fostercare, so I would say it would benefit you to mention that you would like to adopt if possible. If they do terminate his mom's rights, there is no reason he needs to be in fostercare, since adoption would provide more stability from him.

Mani Bear's Mommy

Talk to a lawyer about it...call someone pick up your phone book and call a lawyer they'll give you all the legal advice. I think that the might give him to you just because he's young and he's accustomed to you...down factor is that they' might do a background check on you first and they usually prolong that....depends on where you live...though

sizesmith

First of all, you need to get started to get approved to be a foster parent. The application involves filling out a bunch of paperwork, taking a course in order to be a foster parent, a home study, which will measure the room the child will be sleeping in, and undergoing criminal and backgroud checks. It's not really hard at all, just time consuming.

Second, go ahead and talk with A social worker, not necessarily that child's. Explain that you are a relative, and that in the future you see some health problems coming up with the RELATIVE (not identifying a grandmother necessarily). By not giving out identifying information, you can help the child stay in one place, and work on getting this child a permanent home.

The difference between fostering and adopting varies a lot. Most states pay a stipend to foster a child. Since you aren't a relative, but DO have a history of living with the family, and have maintained contact with the child, there is a connection there, which can tip the scales in your favor. Try to get the courses taken and the paperwork processed as soon as possible, then you and the grandmother work together, and explain the situation with the fostering social worker. With you being an approved parent already, and having maintained family contact, it is in the child's best interest. Find out as much information now about the child, by writing down the dates of his birthday, his age, his school (if applicable), and as much identifying information as possible, in case he's placed in another home. Explain to the social workers when you apply to be a foster parent, that you need to be processed as soon as possible for a family situation. They should work with you. Offer to travel to take the courses on a weekend. Usually, they're taught somewhere within a 3 county-wide area (less than 100 miles), every few weeks. By taking them on weekends, 6 hours a day, you can get them done faster.

Also, when you apply take the following items, and be prepared to know where a notary public is (usually there's one at a bank) so you can get copies of forms notarized. Also, your local sheriff's office, or police department can usually do the fingerprints so you can get the criminal checks done. Take: Your photo id, i.e., driver's license; your birth certificate; your social security card; your immunization records (from your medical or your permanent records from school); at least 3-4 references, with complete mailing addresses, phone numbers, and permission from them; and measurements of your home, floor plan, photos of a fire escape route, and complete addresses of where you went to school, your employer's name and address, and since you'll most likely have to have a physical, the name and address of you family physician.
To terminate parental rights, you'll have to speak directly to the attorney yourself. Do they expect for her to get out, after all, the ultimate goal of foster care is to reunite children with their birth parents. Would she be able to sign papers voluntarily, so you could adopt the child? The only way you'll be able to know these things is to ask the social worker. They'd much rather place the child with someone who is not only qualified, but who already loves the child, because that's in the child's best interest. To foster and later to adopt, you can negotiate the payments that you might be able to receive to help raise this child. Put off marriage plans until this is done, because in order to adopt in many states, you have to be either married or divorced for a certain amount of time.

Good luck!

taxas_cowgurl

what you should do is get a lawyer and file an official suit of custody and fight for it! If you get legal custody, then start the adoption process. and the mother has to give up her own legal parental rights, and she simply has to sign papers. if she wont do this, then you should ask your lawyer what to do next.

and you can file for custody even if you are not biologically related to him!

this is the best way to go, because until they settle it, they cant give the child to anyone for adoption. they might put him in a temporary foster home, but if you win, they have to bring him to you!

and yes, they can hand the child over to shangers before they would give him to you. thats what happened in my family, and my grandparents wanted to keep me and my sibs.

good luck!!

lorisam7879

I would also look into trying to do this on your own. If the grandmother has custody of him now or is a legal guardian, then if she agrees she can definitely put in a good word for you through the courts. Even though the biological mother is incarcerated, she can be served adoption papers to be signed and returned. My husband and I finalized the adoption of our daughter not too long ago, her mother is incarcerated. A friend of ours sent us an e-booklet about doing the adoption ourselves, with help of that company of course to prepare our state specific forms. This turned out to be the best thing we ever did. We can't believe how a chance exchange or an e-booklet link could change the lives of so many. It's definitely worth taking a look at. Best of Luck.

Lori

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