Still a mother?

Kdyl

i am 20... and i am adopted myself... I just found my birthmother a few months ago... and she is my mother... she is my only mother... and i love her with all of my heart....
i suggest you try and do whatever it takes to keep your baby.... i think you should do research... find out how children feel about being adopted when they are older.... and find out how the birthmothers feel after surrendering their baby....
but no matter what you choose... you are a mother... yes... and dont let anyone make you feel bad about calling yourself a mother...

Jennifer L

Of course you would still be a mother. If you are, in fact, pregnant and you choose adoption, you are STILL a mother and will always be a mother.

Lori A

Some say it takes more than giving birth to be a mom. To a certain extent I agree, but giving birth makes you a mom too. Going through all the motions of carring and delivering a child makes you a mother. The question is will you let others talk you out of that feeling by their harsh words and narrow opinions?

I was proud of my self, for the first few years. I gave "THE GIFT" of life. My daughters adoption was closed due to the time frame of her birth, and I did in fact give a couple something that they very much wanted. I will be honest, she got a good home.

That does not dismiss what my heart went through after signing those papers. Your not suposed to feel like a mother any more because you put your signature on something. It doesn't work that way. No matter how much you feel like you did the right thing, or gave the gift, deep inside you are still going to feel like a mother who has suffered a loss.

When I met my daughter, the only words I could say were "I'm sorry" even though she got a good home. I'm sorry even thought it worked out for the best.

We make decisions for our children because they have no voice. What do you think they would say if they did?

I'm not against adoption, There will always be a need for adoption. I am against telling someone they are making the best choice for someone else, with no regard for the person going through the pains of giving. I am against telling women they are giving the most spectacular gift, because somewhere down the road, when you dont' have them telling you any more how wonderful you are, after the paper and ink have taken the place of your status, your going to feel like a mother who fights the pain of adoption.

You have a long time to think about this. Your not too young. There have been programs developed to help you stay together and get on your feet. There are colleges that have daycare available. There are programs that pay your day care. You won't need them forever.

Myabe you're not ready to be a mother, only you can decide that. Are you ready for how your going to feel after signing some paper with ink? Because I can tell you first hand it is a feeling that never goes away even after reunion. It is a permanent scar on your life and your relationship with your child if you are lucky enough to have one later on.

There are no laws to protect YOU in an opened adoption. I applaud the parents that keep contact with the first families. Their interest is truely based on what is best for the child. This concept is relatively new and it has many many flaws. Mostly greed by someone who "wants complete control of a child", which they have due to the paper and ink.

My concern is for you. Maybe your child will get a good home like mine did. Maybe they won't. If they don't, there will be nothing you can do because of paper and ink.

If you are pregnant you are already a mother. Take your time, do lots of research, and talk to the father and his family as well. This decision affects generations and it all hinges on paper and ink.

anastasia beaverhausen-the real1

you're kidding yourself if you think you'll get over this in less than a lifetime.

keep your kid.

17 = young, no money, etc. so what????????

baby = needs it's mother.

you do the math.

don't give your baby away to strangers.

Possum

It will totally depend on what the adoptive parents brain wash the little adoptee to believe.
Seriously.

Please make sure you read from these links before making ANY decisions -
http://www.cubirthparents.org/booklet.pdf
http://www.keepyourbaby.com/
http://origins-usa.org/Default.aspx?pageId=51995

Be very very aware that prospective adoptive parents will tell you everything you WANT to hear.
Open adoptions are not law enforceable - and soon after the adoption is finalised - the adoptive parents can dissapear - without a trace - if they so wish.
I know too many relinquishing mothers that didn't know the truth about adoption in the USA - and have lived with grief and pain for the rest of their days.

Adoption is a long term solution to an often short term problem.

For me - as an adoptee - you are always that child's mother.
An adoptee has two mothers.
But adoptive parents can tell their adoptee anything they choose - in the end.

Please be aware.
And take care.

ETA: Look at all the adoptive parents giving you their email addresses!!!!!
I'm really sure they want to look after your best interests - and that of your child - NOT!!
Really - they want your child for themselves.
Sad really - isn't it.

ETA2: For Aloha and others that don't like how I worded the first part of my response.
Adoptees go by what their adoptive parents tell them.
If the adoptive parents tell them that their bio mother is NOT their mother - they will go along with that - for the most of them.
Adoptees are too scared to rock the boat - and be rejected all over again - so they will do and say just what their adoptive parents want them to say.
(I'm not talking - hitting over the head kind of brain washing - just subtle comments is all it takes - even bad reactions reflected on their face will do it)
Now - there are some wonderful adoptive parents out there that will tell their adoptees that they have two mothers and two fathers - and it's fine to know and love both - but sadly there are also many that do not - and make it all about them - the adults - and not the child.
(please see some of the answers in this very thread)
I've lived this - and I've seen it here - and elsewhere IRL and on the internet.
I was not trying to stir up those that do do the right thing by the adoptee - and tell them their truth.
I was trying to make a point to the asker of the question - that really - it's up to the adoptive parents - as to how the adoptee will allow themselves to feel - at least on the outside.
KWIM??

red&sassy

I am a first mom, who had an "open" adoption.... they decided to cut off all contact. It all changed after the papers were signed.

You aren't only losing YOUR baby, but your grandchildren too.

Don't even think about it until after you've had your baby. Things will change. People will help you out. In this day and age, there's no reason for a woman to give her baby to strangers. There are alot of programs out there to help. If you want to go to college, you can. Believe me, that baby just wants to be with her / his mother. Don't make that baby live the rest of its life wondering why you rejected it.

You are a mother. You're old enough to take care of your baby.

Santa's Lil' Helper

No it would not be wrong....you will always be someon's mom.

De T

Of course you will always be a mother. Congrats on your little one and good luck with whatever decision you make.

a healing adoptee

you will always be the child's mother. do not let anyone tell you otherwise, especially if you choose to give up your child. i mean even though my adoptive mom raised me and i consider her mommy and she will always have that distinction. i would not be here today without my first mother. so that honor of giving me life goes to my first mother. i will always remember her for that.

sk8ermom

I always concider my kids' mom a "mom". But the adoptive parents may not look at it that way. You know, the adoptive parents can TELL you they want an open adoption but they don't have to stick too it. Many will take offence if you assume any type of mothering roll durring a visit. Even in open adoption the visits are usually only only once or twice a year. some situations are better but you don't always know what you are going to get after all is said and done. If you are worried about not being a mom than you need to keep your baby. Don't think so quickly about adoption. If you are pregnant, you have plenty of time to think about it and not make any hastey decisions or commitments. Talk to your parents too! They can surprise you! Good luck sweetie. There are many great teen moms out there.

ladybmw1218

Of course you are still a mother if you place your child for adoption.

I suggest you spend your pregnancy preparing to parent, however. Adoption should be the truly last option, only after you have exhausted all possible resources.

Heather B

You can't make a mother not a mother - it's physically impossible.

If you concieve and give birth to a child then you are a mother.

grapesgum

Yes, of course you are a mother and don't bother talking to anyone who tries to tell you otherwise.

Please take into consideration the feelings of your child and talk to your parents about keeping him/her in your family. It is much healthier for your child than stranger adoption. Even if people promise open adoption in the beginning many, many people cut off all contact after the baby is legally theirs. Open adoption is not enforceable.

Good luck - if you choose adoption do not hook up with anyone on the Internet - it very dangerous for you.

ETA - That's great news. You will never regret your decision to parent your child!! Congratulations. Unplanned pregnancies are a shock at first but once everyone takes a deep breath and calms down, things work out.

Sweety375

It would not be wrong, you carried that baby for 9 months.. not something you can pretend never happen. My mother gave me up for adoption. I got lucky and know her, because her parents adopted me. I call her mom. You'll always be a mom no matter what :)

hargonagain

You are still the child's mother. My son is adopted through and open adoption and his birthmother and I are both his mothers.

jaye

consider temporary guardianship. Someone else (if you can, try to make sure it's someone in your family) can keep the child temporarily until you get on your feet. That way you can still be a part of the child's everyday life.

LaurieDB

My first parents are still my mother and father, even though I also have adoptive parents who are mother and father. Someone else raising your child doesn't stop you from being the child's mother.

Clearly, you already are voicing an attachment to your child. Wait until after the birth to decide about adoption, and keep in mind that open adoptions can be closed at the discretion of the adoptive parents at any time, whether you want it to or not. It's not up to you.

W

aloha.girl59

You are the baby's mother no matter what you decide to do: parent or relinquish to adoption.

Other than the very first part of Possum's answer, I agree with everything she said. Particularly that "adoption is a permanent solution to a temporary problem." Please consider this and don't choose a family for your baby until after you give birth! Once you see your child you may decide you want to parent him or her and if you've already promised your baby to someone else, you may feel guilted into relinquishing. You don't owe your baby to anyone.

Hang in there sweetie and look for resources that can help you: family, friends, WIC, etc. Good luck! Oh, and spend some more time here reading answers and questions from adoptees, adoptive parents, and first mothers (and fathers). You might be surprised at what you learn.

Best to you!

Adopted Jane

Open Adoption is a Crock

You will ALWAYS Be the childs Mother but you will Never be her /his parent if you give her/him up

Possum is right Look at all the Paps and Aps trying to give you their email addy.

I have just done a blog post all about Open adoptions See the link in the source list

Please Keep your baby. Thats the ONLY guaranteed way of staying in your childs life

Promises Made. Promises Broken = Open Adoption

purple monkey dishwasher

you are still a mother. My mom gave me up for adoption, and even though I didnt remember her, I still felt like I had a connection with her. As you child will have with you.

mommy2squee

No, it's not wrong.. You will always be that child's mother, regardless of what the courts say. You will never stop worrying , thinking about and loving that child.

Melissa G

You will always be a mother.

You will be your child's first mother, his biological mother, and the mother who gave him life.

Congrats to you for choosing life for your child.

janine k

I consider myself a mother to all of my children including the daughter who i relinquished and my son who was stillborn as well as the two who i have reared.It doesn't matter if your children are with you or not they are always a part of you and each holds a special place in your heart

LindseyTaylor

You will always be a mother...you will always have a connection to your child.

If you do decide to choose adoption i encourage you to choose a open adoption...

Amie M

You will always be a mother. It doesnt end when you put a child up for adoption. All it means when you allow someone to adopt your child and give him or her a life you arent ready to give him or her THAT doesnt mean you give up being a mom.

Emily C

If you're not ready to be a mother - open adoption is certainly an option for you. I placed my youngest daughter for adoption last year & chose to have an open one. It's been such a blessing for me, seeing her grow in a better environment than I could provide. Every picture I get, she is smiling & I can see how happy she is & how well she is cared for with her family. I understand that I've signed over every right I have to her, and that's a little sad sometimes. But I will always be her mother. Whether you raise the child yourself or not, you gave the child life. THAT is what makes you a mother. So if you're decision to keep this baby with your boyfriend is based on people telling you "You won't be a mother anymore if you give your baby up!!" I'd rethink your decision. Because they're wrong. Obviously, you have plenty of time to think about this. So do just that. Think about it & you make whatever decision you need to, to ensure your baby has the best life possible.

sizesmith

I have adopted a baby boy, now almost 9 months old. To me, his first mom should always be a part of his life, although she has chosen not to. His first dad's mother visits with him, and will always be "Me-maw". To me, the paperwork to adopt just incorporates more people into the baby's life. I love my baby boy so much that I would die in an instant for him if I had to. You will always be this baby's mother, even if it isn't legal anymore. It sounds like you should work with someone for an open adoption that has been open before. Also, the family that adopts the baby should have strong community ties, and many relatives in the area. Someone like that is so much easier to find, and keep track of. Some adoptive parents adopt, and then move as soon as the adoption if final, which I think is horrible. My prayers are with you, as it is a very hard decision to decide to place. Some people on this forum will be cruel in their answers, so be careful. Listen to your heart and you know the situation. Good luck!!!!!

Sabre

You'll always be a mother. But never a mom. And there's a huge difference between that, I'm sure you can understand.

AdoreHim

If you are pregnant you are already a mom, and if you choose adoption, you will still be a mom- nothing to change that- and I too say THANKS for choosing life for your child. You are a mom- in every sense of the word.

EDIT- I truly need to know why I got all these thumbs down- when we try to support a birth mom, we get insulted , and when we support the AP's we get insulted.

imlost

asking to let a man adopt your child is telling that another man someware out there is the blood father.Does not matter if he isnt around, Not on Birth Cert, not paying support,In prison .....All around Dead Beat -Worst of the Lot person, You have to give courts name of blood father, then they have to contact him,if hes not on bith cert then blood test will be givin to make sure he is the dad. then he has to sign court paper giving up all rights to this child. Some of them think messed up and wont sign even if they are not in childs life and dont intend to help with support.(in my case). then the others that look at it as, they will always be blood dad they are just signing to put the BILL of child support payments on someone else and never have to worry about the money to raise this child. They sign.

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