Tell children they're adopted or not?

Robin

I've known as long as I can remember that I was adopted. Growing up, it was never a big deal to me. My adopted parents never acted like my entrance into the family was anything unusual. My (adopted) brothers & sister are their bio-children...I'm the 'baby' of the family. I am SO GRATEFUL my parents told me the truth. I can't imagine the pain and betrayal of finding out much later.

The only down side to this (for me) is not understanding why people say stupid things like, "She's not their REAL daughter, you know. She's adopted."

However, every story I've ever read involving an adult finding out they are adopted leaves them REELING. It's devastating to find out you've been lied to your entire life. And to discover that many of your family members knew the 'secret', but kept it from you.

I vote for honesty. You're kids take their cues from you. Let them know that adoption is one way families are formed, and it will just seem "normal" to them.

Always remember: "One of the most powerful healing forces available to every parent, free of charge: is empathy. Empathy allows a person to feel her feelings, rather than repress them, so they can be released."

Isabel A

The only way they will not find out eventually is if NO one knows. Believe me, they will hear it from a cousin or a neighbor or somebody.
People talk and they will talk to your kids when you are not around.
I know someone who found out when he was twenty. His sister wrote him a letter telling him because she thought he should know he wasn't really part of the family. He never got over it.
Tell your kids soon before somebody else does.

TeggieMcG

Of course you should tell them that they are adopted!! What kind of question is that? Don't you think (once they are old enough) that they have the right to know that kind of information? Wouldn't you want to know? I don't think that's something you should even have a choice about.... I don't think it's fair for you to keep that from them. You have to only think about them in this situation, not you. What is it going to hurt (for them) for you to tell them the truth? They have a right to know... no matter what!

Possum

Ask yourself - would you like to be lied to your whole life??

Tell them - for heaven's sake - it's their truth to know.
Adoptees have enough in life to deal with - being taken from their families.
Give them their truth.

~AnGeL~

The truth is ALWAYS the best answer, so tell them!!! I would hate to have my parents keep a secret like that from me!!!

Andraya

Lie to them until you are cold in your grave and they find the adoption records in your personal effects. WTF???

Do you allow your children to lie to you? Didn't think so. THEN DON'T LIE TO THEM!

Tay-Tay

you should tell them now because if you don't and they get older and have 2 find out their selves they would be very upset trust me it happened 2 me

GrewInMyHeart

Yes, tell them. All the current research on this topic agrees that you tell them right from the start, so the info is always a part of their memory.

spydermomma

Of course you tell them. And the sooner the better. For one thing, if you don't tell them, then someone else will, and that will be much harder on them, and on your relationship. They will find out eventually no matter what, and how much better to find out in a loving way from their parents, when you can answer all their questions.

I really haven't heard any good reasons not to tell children. There was some thinking maybe 30-50 years ago that you should just "pretend" they were your birth children (sometimes even if they were adopted transracially and clearly didn't look like you). That thinking has been fully discredited. It is harmful to adopted children to grow up without knowing their truth.

And it your case, It might be that they already sort of know. If you have adopted 5 children, some of them would probably be old enough to have friends with younger siblings, and to have seen pregnant women, and to have some idea where babies come from -- and then know (even if they don't think about it) that their younger siblings didn't grow inside of you. They might not talk about it, but unless you live in isolation they probably have some idea that something is different in their family. And I think if you don't talk about it, when they figure it out then they might think the reason you didn't talk about it is that it shameful or something. That would be a horrible message for them to get and could really hurt how they feel about themselves.

If you bring it up matter of factly when they are small, then it will be easier for them. If you don't talk about it and they find out later, then it probably will be a harder struggle, at least for some. Some of them will probably struggle with the loss of their first family no matter how you approach it, but it will be easier if they do not get the idea that being adopted is some kind of shameful secret.

I suggest that you get some books on adoption from the library (and buy the ones you like later so the children will have them around), and read them together and then talk about it. That will be easier than just sitting them down for a "Big Talk." If they are still small, you could start with A Mother for Choco, Mulberry Bird, Tell me again about the night I was born, Mr. Rogers talks about adoption. Here is a link to some lists of other books:
http://www.comeunity.com/adoption/books/index.html

Good luck! It will probably be scary to have that first conversation, but it will get easier, and it is the best thing for them, truly.

P.S. try not to tell them that they were born in your heart, or anything like that. That is a lovely sentiment for grownups, but children are very literal and might get some very strange ideas.

Heather B

Secrets and Lies are toxic, and never stay secret forever. They deserve to know the truth, all of it

harpnut

absolutely tell them. that is not something that you keep from your child. they will have so many issues if you keep this from them.

my brother was adopted, and we let him know from day one. my mom developed something of a story, telling him that he was created in his birth mom's stomach, but that God knew that she didn't have any food for him, or a place to live, so he decided that he should live with us. My mom makes it a very special story, letting my brother know how glad we are that he's a part of our family now. It's hard for him sometimes, but he also is glad that he knows. He also spends time with his birth family a few times a year, which is great, because he loves his siblings. please don't keep this from your kids. they would be missing out on a whole half of their lives. they deserve to know their place in the world, and in your family.

you have done such a wonderful thing by adopting those children, but don't take away its meaning by keeping the truth from them.

EDIT: my mom suggests reading "twenty things adopted kids wish their adoptive parents knew"
written by Sherrie Eldridge, an adopted child

not telling your children that they were adopted is an insecurity issue. better to deal with the pain of being adopted WITH your child, than to deal with the anger and feelings of betrayal you will surely get later.

Let me get this straight.

You have 5 children, and none of them know that they were adopted?

I have to assume, if there are five of them, that they are not all infants and toddlers.

I have two kids, both of whom I adopted. I started telling both of them about there adoption when they were too young to talk. No, I didn't sit down and have the "adoption talk". I didn't need to. I've been mentioning it as a part of their normal life for as long as they can remember. It's very, very normal to them. It's part of the story of their life. Adoption comes up in our house all the time. Not as a big deal, but just in normal conversation, an in "oh, that happened before we adopted you." or "When we adopted you, this and this happened." Just normal family talk. Both kids know their adoption stories really well.

If you have waited this long, it's too late for this kind of approach (though I strongly recommend it for any of your children that are under 2 or 3.) For the older ones, you really will have to "tell" them in a more formal manner. Be prepared for questions, and be ready for them to be upset about it. After all, their view of their life will have just changed.

But, I STILL think it's the correct thing to do. This is their life! It's information about where they come from and who they are. Every human being is entitled to that information. It's better if it doesn't come as a surprise, so the younger the better. But it belongs to them.

I know some sad stories of people (one of whom I'm very, very close to) who didn't know till they were adults, and it was very hurtful to them that their parents kept it a secret. Why should it be a secret?

I'm not embarassed that I adopted my children. They are still my children. I have no reason to keep this from them.

<3shorty<3

tell them !! they need to know the truth! would'nt you want to know if you were adopted??

<3<3

meoorr

Let me recommend an excellent book, Twenty things every adopted child wishes their parents knew.

We adopted and were very open about the fact that he was adopted from the start. It will be difficult to tell your five children individually now, but better now than to find out later and feel more betrayed.

Think down through the years to when your children grow up, get married, have children and perhaps need to know some family medical history that pertains to them particularly. Perhaps it is even a case of life and death for them or for their child. Wouldn't that be a terrible time to find out that they were adopted?

Or how about on your own death - imagine how hurt they would be when going through your papers, only to learn that they were adopted.

With adoption, there is pain in dealing with the adoption for the child, but there's tremendous healing and bonding on the other side. We are currently going through adoption counseling with our 6 year old and it has been a life-changing event for all of us. As we've confronted several medical issues for him, it's been reassuring to know that we can always find out vital family history.

I hope that you do the right thing and tell them.

Francis Fook

tell them. even if they are too young to understand. expalin how much they are loved and wanted by you... im sure there are books out there explaining this delicate matter.

personally, if i was adopted and my parents kept that from me, i would never forgive them for lying/not telling the truth.

goodgirl

Well, it is up to you what you do. But the adopted children when old enough to understand things have a right to know they are adopted. Wouldnt YOU want to know who your real parents were? I would!! Also if you keep this from the adopted children they may hold it against you later on. Be gentle with them. Tell the children you loved them & raised them as your own & it makes no difference if they aren't biologically your own flesh & blood. Tell them you will always love them no matter what. My husband wouldnt agree with me on this but I dont care!! Thats my feelings about adoption.They have EVERY RIGHT TO GET TO KNOW THEIR BIOLOGICAL PARENTS.Hope I helped you!!!

pup

u should..if u tell them when they grow up it will be a little difficult.

Lillie

And which of YOUR rights would YOU like to have trampled and violated?

Perhaps we should just go back to the days when women couldn't vote and black people were slaves too?

OMG THINK about the implications of this!!! These adoptees are HUMAN BEINGS who have a RIGHT to know about their origins!!

And people wonder why I don't see adoption as 100% wonderful for the adoptee....wow....*picking my jaw up off the floor*

bestadvicechick

I'm an adult and was adopted when I was almost 2. So, from my point of view as an adoptee, I would suggest YES - tell them when you feel they can grasp the concept of what adoption is. If you have especially small children, they actually have kid's books you can read to them that explains it in a way a child can understand. In my opinion, there should never me a moment where they DON'T know. The not knowing and then revealing it later is what really traumatizes some adoptees. Identity is formed very early in life, and when you hide a large part of their identity from them....well, it just makes things very hard.

Morgaine

They need to know. We plan on incorporating our child's adoption story into his/her life as earlier as possible. Not in a "We adopted you, be thankful" or the super way too sweet "We picked YOU out of all the children in the world" but in a matter of fact, this is how you came to be our child, part of our family, obviously stressing the love we have for him/her and the love his/her biological family had (whom for whatever reason, obviously I don't know the reason yet, as we have yet to adopt, couldn't parent). If we are part of the biological families life (and I hope we are) then, obviously she/he will know them as her family too.

There are so many books aimed at little kids about adoption, that would be a good way to start telling them the truth.

You need to look into your reasons for wanting to keep the adoption quiet, because this is part of their history, and they need to know that. Would you want it sprung on you when you were "old enough to understand"? Or would you rather the knowledge be something you just always knew? I think it would be the latter, at least in my case.

I had something sprung on me when I was a kid, not that I was adopted, but...that my parents had me in high school, and got married after I was born. It wasn't something they planned on telling me until I was older (I was in second grade, so eight or nine), but the way I found out, it just slipped out, and even though it wasn't as monumental as being adopted, it still...freaked me out and since my parents were really kind of ashamed about it, I carried a lot of shame over it, and do to this day, as an adult. I can't even imagine if it was something as huge as I was adopted...that would have been life shattering.

Sorry this is a long ramble. I just think you should start immediately to make it as matter of fact as possible. Don't make them be special because they are adopted, no kid wants to be singled out like that. Something along the lines of:

Families are built in many different ways...this is the way your family is built. You can talk about all the different types of families too, so they know they aren't abnormal that their family was built "differently".

Sorry this is so long!

é˜¿å¬¸

Yes, you should. It's their right to know, plus it wouldn't be fair to them if you don't tell them. Eventually, they will find out and feel bad about it. Let them know while they're still young. Their love for you will never change if you tell them.

sarahhhhhhh

tell them! If you dont tell them then u run the risk of them finding it out some other way and totally resenting u. its hard but break them in gently with it. I was told from a very early age and upwards in dribs and drabs. It made me more understanding and made me realise that I am not that different from any other kid. I have a loving mother and father and a great sister. Tell them please. :)

lucy_shy8000

If you don't tell them, they'll find out from someone else.
Then they'll want to know why you kept it hidden.
"Are you ashamed of them? Why is it a secret? Was there something terribly wrong with their parents? Are they bad somehow?"
If it's in the open when they're younger, it'll be easier for them to accept. There will be more opportunity for you to discuss it casually before teenage emotions run too high.

Basically, if you make a big deal out of it; it will become a big deal.
If you celebrate it, it will become something to be proud of.
Something that makes them a unique family.

leoncito123451

I personally believe in being truth full to the child for they will appreciate and they will learn honesty. The only thing I would suggest to do is to do it when they are at an age where they will understand what it means, each child is different so you would have to see each child's maturity level. Never lie it always catches up to you and usually lies does more hurt than good. Good Luck.

Crucio

Yes you should tell them they are adopted. The younger you start telling them the better imo. They will likely find out eventually anyway even if its not in till they are adults. If that happens it will hurt them immensely. Just go to adoption.com forums they have a board for adoptees who didnâ€™t find out till they were adults in some cases even older children/ teen age. Not to mentioned since they are adopted your medical history will not mean anything to them.

Its great you gave 5 kids a home that needed one, but you need to be honest about the fact that they are adopted. There is no shame in being adopted. To not tell them is like saying there is.

Torrejon

If you tell them, you risk dealing with their adoption issues, concerns, questions, fears, joys, future searches, reunion fall-outs...

If you don't tell them, you risk them finding out that you have hidden the truth from them.

I know which I'd prefer...as the child and as the parent.

Debbie Downer

No, don't tell them.

And while you're at it, convince them the moon is made of cheese.

Gabbie

I had to give up my first baby up for adoption back when I was 17. We keep in touch and he said that his adoptive mother told him he was adopted at age 3.

Older than 3 is fine.

my3mohrkids

Yes you should tell them. It may or may not upset them to find out but it would be better for you to be upfront about it it will only backfire on you if you try to keep it under wrapps.
Do explain that choosing a child is different than having a child "naturally" and that because you CHOOSE them they are more special. My aunt has 3 kids that she adopted all know they were and are very accepting. I also have many friends whom have adopted and all of theirs know as well. Do keep in mind every child is different and will take it differently but in the long run they will come to understand how much you love them because you Chose them.

AnimeHyuugaFanatic

i have 5 brother and 3 sisters and just me and my older sisters are biological children...all my brothers and sisters know they are adopted and they have pictures of there siblings...i think you should tell them its better for them to know that you adopted them to give them a better life.
you should get them some books like

"Tell me again about the night i was born"
and
"A mother for Choco"

they are very cute books and it can help them understand why they are adopted

my mom always tells them than rather them being grown in Her tummy they grew in her heart.

Claire J

Tell them. I have a brother that was adopted. I wasn't, but he was born from the heart. Your kids love you and that will never change.

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