The positives of pre birth matching?

Shelly P. Tofu, E.M.T.

Not to negate the NEGATIVES... but it seems to me most girls/women who believe that they will chose to put their baby up for adoption would WANT the option of chosing the couple the baby goes to.. AND would WANT the option of "Getting to know them" before hand.

I mean, If I were to give anything precious to someone else, I would want to know them, and chose who to give it to.

But I realize there are many negatives to pre-birth matching. Girls need to be warned about not getting backed into a corner that won't be easy to get away from.. There needs to be an overhaul of how things are done.

But how to we get rid of the negatives, while still allowing women who wish to place their child for adoption the option of choosing the couple and getting to know them.. IF SHE WISHES?? I'm asking seriously.. how can we make this better.. I'm not trying to "justify" pre-birth matching.

Do all the choosing and "getting to know" after-birth? That does sound better.. but what if the girl has no support for parenting her child, even for a few weeks?

I don't know.. I really want to make things better.. I'm just throwing questions out there.

Seriously.. reading some of these responses, makes my heart break as a PAP.. Can't anyone believe that ANY of us go into an adoption thinking about more than just ourselves?? I absolutely believe and would be the first to defend ANY woman's right to "change her mind and parent." Am I a horrible person, just because I'm an AP.. seriously.. read TIsh, Independant, and cantstop's responses again.. it kills me that people must think that ALL we care about is that womb fresh baby, that the ONLY reason we want a "bond" or "relationship" with a mother is so she won't feel she can change her mind.. Why can't anyone believe that any of us might have one smidgen of something besides selfishness in our being??

I ask again.. would any woman who feels the need to give her child up for adoption wish to have NO say in who adopts him/her or NO opportunity to know what kind of people they are? Should we take away that as an option?

cantstopLinnyG

I think it's positive when Pap's who have paid for "medical expenses", (a baby) whine, cry, and stomp their well heeled feet if the n Mom decides to parent their own baby. That always gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling! And it's very positive when the rightful Mom keeps HER baby.

DevonChaos

None for anyone but the adoptive parents. They are the only ones who I think benefit from it.

I think it should be outlawed.

SJM

Can't think of any.

Philippa

Can't think of any except maybe if mum to be was terminally ill and wanted reassurance her baby was going to have parents .... will have to think about this

I Love A Child With Autism!!! - I'm not going to knock you as you was prepared beforehand :)

tish_part deux

fmom:

1) the "perception" that they are making a choice in their child's life.
2) the "perception" that they are choosing good people to raise their child.
3) the "perception" that they can have an open adoption.

aps:

1) getting a baby fresh "out of the oven."
2) the anticipation of a baby, just as if being pregnant.
3) the ability to "build a relationship" as a trump card if the fmom tries to change her mind.
-------------------

oh, you wanted "positives?" i gots' nothing.

I Love A Child With Autism!!!

I would have to say in general there are none. But I can honestly say that I am glad I did it...but I wasn't looking for the perfect healthy infant. I chose to adopt 2 special needs children, which we knew we going to be born with problems. I am glad that I was able to get them the proper care that they needed from day one.

I completely expect the thumbs down, but I am being honest with you!

Jennifer L

I think that if a woman is truly unable or unwilling to be a parent, she should have the option to choose an adoptive family that she feels will be the best adoptive couple for her child.

I think that as long as clear boundaries are in place, especially the absolute understanding of the woman's legal and moral right to change her mind, it isn't necessarily a coercive thing. But I think the onus here is on the woman considering adoption. If -she- wants to meet or speak to potiential adoptive parents.

I don't agree with the state randomly matching infants with adoptive families. I think that if someone is choosing to place their child for adoption, they should be able to choose the adoptive parents, based upon whatever criteria they feel is important. If the woman wants to meet with the potiential adoptive parents beforehand, I don't think she should be told by the state that she can't do that.

I also think, if done correctly, the "get to know you" time before birth can help make an easier transition to a stable open adoption.

This is just me spitballing, but if I were an adoptive parent through domestic infant adoption, the idea of ongoing contact with the child's first mother would seem less intimidating or less awkward, if we had some kind of relationship beforehand. I have no idea if there are any statistics out there to back that up, but I'd be curious to see if there is any correlation between ongoing open adoptions in families where a relationship between the first family and the adoptive family began before birth.

Rowan

the only postive i can see would be in incidents like I Love a Childs said.

Other then that, none really.

IDK!!

In our case, his mother knew that if she chose adoption, we were there willing to adopt him, no matter what.

So here's where the whole "abortion and adoption have nothing to do with each other" argument falls apart.

There are *some* women who know their child will be born very ill and do not want to parent. They fear the child going into foster care and not having a "forever family" so she opts for private adoption, so she KNOWS the child will have a home. Perhaps the mother whats to choose the home and not rely on a faulty foster care system to give it a go. If adoption were not an option in THESE cases, I believe some women would prefer to abort against their own beliefs. Many of these would be late term abortions and are traumatic (not saying that adoption isn't).

I don't believe that the "pre-birth matching" is THE problem, it's the piss poor attitudes people have going into it. We had the attitude of IF this is what you want, we will be here no matter what. If you want to parent, we are here NO MATTER WHAT! It was about him from day 1, We never searched for a baby to adopt, but when there was a baby needing a home, we were Simply available......

We knew he would have problems and we had time to prepare, pray, apply for FMLA to be there when he was born. We also had time to prepare our daughter for what may happen and their Ped so she is aware of his situation. Our kids doctor is amazing, she even went to a weekend seminar to learn more about our sons condition so she can better prepare for him.

As far as having agencies "matching" I do worry that pressure is put on the expectant mother to "follow though", and I blame this on the sence of entitlement people take with them when they start the process. To think someone "owes" anyone else a baby is just insaine.

When our son was born, I prayed that him mom would parent him, but it just wasn't going to happen, for many reasons. With all the health problems, I don't know that he would be alive today if he would have been in their home, not because he they can't love him, or that they can't care for their typical children (who they take good care of), but he needs 24 hour care and a stay at home parent. His parents have an open invitation and can be as big a part of his life as they want.

Yarr

Um... well, birthmoms could pretend they were going to put it up for adoption and scam aps into paying their medical bills. Technically that would probably be good for both the birthmom and the baby because they get a free pre-birth ride, but obviously it would be bad and a dissapointing waste of money for the aps.

kateiskate

None.

Except, at least when you ask your amom if you look like your fmom, she can tell you one way or another. Other than that I think it's all crap.

Independ"ant"

Only positives would be for the agency and adopters.

Temperance

Um, let me think. APs can prepare a name, make a nursery, bascially NONE!

Helena B

they get 2 look in2 the face of the mum of the kid they will beat l8r

Cindy D

What in the world is pre birth matching?

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