The rest of the story on why I asked if I can give my baby up without the father's permission...?

â€ Lawrence Râ€

According to the law, due to your marriage, the child you're carrying is automatically assumed to be your husband's, as well.

Your options are quite limited. How would you explain to your husband and children that you want to adopt their child/youngest sibling out to someone else? The questions and emotional/relational problems this would bring about could destroy your family.

By establishing the paternity of the man in question, you also establish that you cheated on your husband and, by extension, your family. Still, you have children who will see you adopt out a sibling, and the emotional/relational problems would still arise.

To not say anything presents AT LEAST 2 major problems. First, you will be living a lie in maintaining that you are faithful to your husband. You will always know the truth. Also, don't fool yourself into thinking your husband won't figure it out. The resulting tension is already creating questions.

Second, the child will be a source of contention. You will see this child and see the real father who is not your husband. The tensions from this situation are huge.

Don't discount the effect this will have on the 4 children already in your home. This is their brother/sister. It won't just affect the unborn child.

All this being said, the truth is still the best thing you can do. Your husband might just surprise you. However, you will also need to work at regaining his trust. Remember, through your infidelity, you've torn that trust apart.

Heather B

Gosh, what a pickle.

If you do this he has every right to come back and fight for his child and that would create a whole lot of mess and heartache for all concerned. That's not fair on anyone involved.

Please don't punish your child for adults mistakes.

PhilM

Well, I've already given you an extensive answer to this question privately, but I guess you didn't like my answer?

Let me say two other things...

(1) You may very well grow to resent your husband for making you give this child up. Even if your husband can forgive you (which seems unlikely without extensive counseling, and given that he wants to pretend this never happened by making you give the child up, it all adds up to a bad situation whether or not you relinquish), even if he forgives you, you may never forgive him. It's an awful thing to make a mother give up her child. And given that you don't really want to, you will never forgive him this demand.

(2) You are talking about making the child suffer the consequences of your decisions. This child didn't ask for this. You decided to continue the pregnancy. You made the decisions that led to the pregnancy. I'm not going to judge you for those. It's not my place, and I'm not in your shoes. But if you give up this child to avoid the consequences of those decisions, that is wrong.

Whether this child goes with the father or you give the child up for adoption, the child will grow up knowing you gave him or her up. Better to at least let the child have her father than lose both her parents.

Linny G

Honey- I am sorry you are in this predicament. I really am.

You wrote:
I REALLY struggle with the effects on this baby...knowing that it has 4 siblings & a mother that live across town but living eternity wondering why I kept them & not it. I know that the child would still be involved in my life in some way, shape, or form even if he took custody....& that would be even harder on the child. To have some marginally/ minimally involved mother & being raised without its 4 siblings. So the thought was that the child would be better off with an adoptive family that was whole.

The baby will suffer MORE not knowing ANY of his or her family. It's harder to go through life NEVER knowing or loving your mother, father and siblings....please let the baby's father have custody. You will be saving your child a lifetime of pain.

Lori A

I know several men who parented alone either through the woman leaving both husband and children and through death. They have done absolutely wonderful jobs of parenting and I praise them often for it.

If you give this child to strangers as you suggest, there is slim to no chance of this child having any relationship with the father, or you or his/her siblings.

If you give the child to the father there is a strong chance that in time, a relationship will form between at least the siblings. Then once they are of legal age they can decide for them selves if they want to continue that relationship.

Do not make this child loose their siblings over a decision you made. One blood relative is better than none. I thought my daughter was going to hate me too, but she didn't, she doesn't. Children grow up and are capable of understanding situations.

You won't get to walk away scot free by surrendering this child to strangers. You as the mother, who has already thought about terminating one child, will wonder for all eternity if you made the right decision. Not to mention all the sleepless nights worrying whether your child is safe or even still alive. Been there done that. It can cause depression and much much more. What good are you to your other kids if you can not get over the guilt of your decision? How can you repair a marriage if you can't get past your decision? It will be the elephant in the room.

Do not keep this man from raising, loving, and knowing his child. Do not keep this child from being raised by, loved by and known by one of their blood relatives, one of their parents.

There simply is no real need to do this, and it will not have the effect you think it will.

anastasia beaverhausen-the real1

"knowing that it has 4 siblings & a mother that live across town but living eternity wondering why I kept them & not it."

so, do you seriously think it's going to be better when the kid turns up looking for you in 18 years?

not.

Gaia Raain II

Ok, my thought is this: The situation you described, with your child knowing that s/he already has four kept siblings, will happen whether you give this child to strangers or not [because the adoptive parents can choose to tell the child, and/or they will come to find you later in life and find out that way]. This child is not at fault for your affair. I'm not judging you. This has nothing to do with you. What you're talking about is exiling your child to make up for your indiscretion. Does your husband think that making your child a shameful secret will make him feel differently? Look, if your marriage is going to survive, it's going to do so whether or not you abandon your baby. You may as well take care of your fifth child just like you're taking care of the other four, and let the cards fall where they may. This is not the child's fault, and s/he does not deserve to be sent away under cloak of night when s/he already has two perfectly good parents. You must own up to your indiscretion and allow your husband to make his own choices. Even if the men in your life are raising all of your children, at least you'll get to see them sometimes. And they all deserve that...not just the four who were conceived by your husband.

â™¥â™¥Ritaâ™¥â™¥

Wow. I am not here to judge you.

IMO, I would still give the child to his/her dad. Then s/he would still have at least one parent. You could walk away...that is what you would be doing if you were to place for adoption, you would have to walk away. At least if the child is with the dad then you could still be involved in some way.....pictures, etc. Also, you sight that it would be difficult for the child to know that his/her mom did not want him/her and then the four half siblings......you place the baby for adoption, s/he may never know the siblings.....or you, ever.

I can never know your struggle with this...no one here can. This happened due to choices made by two people, you and him...and it can only be resolved with the choices of those same two people.

The baby would appreciate having at least one of his/her parents....single moms raise babies all the time, single dads can too.

Take care.....

kateiskate

My heart goes out to you because this obviously is a very difficult situation. I apologize if my other answer was offensive to you.

I think you all need to go to counseling, both couples counseling, family counseling, and indivdually. I really think adoption is not the solution for you in your situation. I think that if your husband will not allow you to keep this child and raise in in your home and you decide to live with that, you should give the baby to John. If he has you and his family as a support system it can work.

Busy Mommy

Have you seen "The Duchess" with Keira Knightly? Because your plot is very similar. She had 4 kids and got pregnant with her lover. Her husband made her give the baby up, she was miserable :(

Anyhow, how will you feel giving the baby up? Could you do it, knowing how much you love your children? How will that child feel, should they ever find out mommy had a family and couldn't take one more? Understandably, your husband is upset, but "for better or for worse" right? Can't he accept the child into his life and not punish the child for your indiscretion? You are the breadwinner, so it's not like he'd be supporting the child, caring for the child, but not supporting him/her.

I just think it would be so damaging to you and baby if you go the adoption route, but I can see HUGE obsticles with keeping the child too. It would confuse your children (as this other man would be involved) and could potentially end your marriage.

Good luck to you, this can't be easy.

Felicita1

The problem with surrendering that child to adoption is that it opens a whole other can of worms for the child who then feels they were "unwanted."

There is no such thing as a "clean break" for any child. Adoptees also come with family history and family ties to their original families, even if the adoption happened "at birth."

Depending on the adoptive family to "stay whole" is a huge gamble. You cannot get them to sign a guarantee that there will be no death or divorce in their family. Nor can you guarantee that you child will not be eventually raised by a single divorcee, in a step-family, etc. There are absolutely no guarantees.

Plus there is the huge risk of potential damage to the mother if she surrenders her baby. I'm surprised that you feel you can walk way without the emotional pain and psychological consequences: unresolvable grief and pain that lasts over decades, PTSD, severe depression, suicidal ideation, dissociation, anxiety disorders: they are all possible consequences of adoption-separation.

I think that with counselling, your husband will come to accept and love your new baby. Your baby is legally your husband's and your husband will have full parental rights. John cannot apply for custody or visitation in this situation. However, if you try to surrender your baby, he should have a say in it as the natural father.

Both women and men have affairs within marriage. Children can result from these affairs. In North America, we assume that an affair means the end of the marriage. Other nations don't consider it as an end at all but as the indication of a problem that can be fixed. I suggest you and husband see a marriage counsellor.

Tweety

Well dear your story is understandable and don't think you are the worst every one in there life make mistakes but that does not mean we should start spreading hatred for that .

Forget whatever you done focus what are you going to do .

Look it obvious when child lives with you other children and his father comes and pick him other children's might think odd.

Secondly if you keep the child then I don't think so that your husband will give Love to him .but child wants love from your husband as he think ( by looking at his other peers) that your husband is his father . So tat will be a poor situation for a new comer .

So In my opinion you should hand over this child to John . As a Father he will be right person to take care about the child .

sweetjane

Well, your situation makes slightly more sense now. Thank you for that.
If John wants his child, I think that John should be able to raise his child. Perhaps this child will help him to make life choices that put his child first, instead of himself and addiction. It sounds like he is turning his life around for the better. That is a good thing, and I don't think he should be punished for his past mistakes. I also don't think that your child should be punished for y'alls mistake. You say you want to keep this baby....but that it would ruin your life and marriage (paraphrasing). Well, would it ruin your marriage and life if you were able to see your child occasionally? I mean, frankly, your husband is a saint to be ok with you carrying another man's child for 9 months and still allowing you to be in his home without going postal....so, If he is willing to do that, I think he would be willing to let you see your child periodically. Why can't John raise the child and you visit as often as possible. Not only does that help you see and know your child, it also allows you to make sure that John is staying clean and sober and that he is providing for your child. Further, it allows your child to know you....to love you. You aren't excluding your child from your life if you allow his father to raise him. You are remaining in his life as much as possible, while also allowing him to remain in the care of the only other adult with biological ties to him/her. To take that away from a child for any reason other than abuse or neglect would be very sad and unnecessary. If John can't handle it, he will tell you or you can visit and see for yourself. IF that becomes the case, you can reevaluate from there.....but predetermining that John won't be able to handle is an assumption based on the former John, not the current one. Until this John shows you that he is incapable, I would trust him at his word...and thank him for wanting to be a father to his baby.

Crucio

I am truly sorry for your dilemma. One one hand you wouldnâ€™t want this baby to be living with you all time if your husband for the most part resents the child. That is not healthy for that child nor his/her siblings. If you move out with this baby you will not see your other four children as much and that's not fair to them. You also have to think of the effects this could have on your other children even more if they are young they wouldnâ€™t understand why so and so has another daddy. Plus if this was to destroy your marriage which hopefully you all can get through this. Your children could have negative feelings toward you and this new child, for destroying their family, again despite that itâ€™s not the childâ€™s fault.

At this point since your married your husband is the legal father of your child, does not matter if he is not biological the father. A woman husband is always her babyâ€™s legal father. By that you may not even need Johnâ€™s permission to place this baby for adoption. Not saying you should do this but it is a possibility.

I think you and your husband should go to material counseling if your not already and discuss this out. It seems he is more embarrassed that his spouse cheated on him. No one is prefect we all make mistakes. However all babies are innocent regardless how they ended up being conceived. Perhaps when this baby is born maybe your husband will feel differently that he could love and parent this baby despite that it is not biological his. Again the baby is legally his since you all are married. Another question you might ask is if your husband had had an affair and gotten another woman pregnant? Would he want to be a part of that childâ€™s life?

Xanden Wyatt's Mommy!

sweetie - you don't have to explain yourself to Anyone - especially us at Y/a! But to answer your question, i think it depends on who you go through for the adoption and what state you live in etc. I live in mo and checked with a church program. They checked it out for me and said that they would only need my signature to sign over my rights and have a baby adopted.

Does John know you are prego with his child? If so, you really need to sit down with him and talk this out. If not, yes, I suppose adoption would be the better choice. You wouldn't want this child in your home being resented by the man who plays the daddy role the majority of the the time or whatever. Good Luck to you. And by the way - it sounds like you have a good husband to handle such a situation the way that he has.

Merry Christmas

suzanne

well, I know that my answer will not be popular on here based on the anti-adoption sentiment I've seen, but I honestly believe that the best option for everyone here is an open adoption. I don't believe that the child should be made to suffer as the result of a one night stand. (and I, like the others, am assuming you are certain on the paternity of this child?) If you were to keep this child it would either result in a breaking up your family unit, or in long held hostility towards the child from your husband and possibly your other children. If the child were to be raised by John, they would most likely feel resentful to you and your "together" family. Does John have a support group to help him raise this child? It sounds like he has a street smarts, but not a lot of real life experience. Any contact with the child would have to be made between you and John, which would be a continuation of your relationship with him (I know it would be a different type of relationship then) that would still cause a ton of tension in your marriage. Children are very perceptive, would you want your child to spend the rest of their life living between two homes, in neither of which they feel wholly loved and wanted? I think you need to give this child a chance at a family life with both a mother and father who love them and can give them a wonderful home life. With an open adoption they would still know their biological families separate from each other, (you wouldn't have to maintain a relationship with John, he would maintain a relationship directly with the child and adoptive family, etc) I just feel like the situation this child would be brought into would be to overwhelmingly full of drama and they would feel it's all their fault. I have many friends on all sides of the adoption triad and adoptions CAN work! Best of luck to you, I know this is a hard and heartwrenching decision to make.

Flying Monkey #073177

So you made a very bad mistake and now you expect to fix it all by tossing the baby out with the bathwater... Yeah. Good for you. Condemn a child to a life without it's parents because you and your husband can't hack the fact that you are a cheater... You should have learned this particular life lesson in your twenties. YOU CAN NOT RUN FROM YOUR MISTAKES OR YOUR PAST. Cowgirl up time sweets, get therapy for your marriage and raise your children, screw the big bucks job and act like what you are suppose to be, their MOTHER.

Andrea A

First off, I want to say that I don't judge you at all. This kind of situation is surprisingly common. There are delicate issues involved here. My cousin is in the same position, almost. She had a separation from her husband, but got back together with him. In this case he is agreeing to raise the other man's child.

The laws vary by state. Sometimes the law goes by the state the child was conceived in, and in other states it was where the child is born. One thing you might want to do, if you both want to stay involved, is look for an adoptive family in your state and do an open adoption. There are different levels of openness. Check out itsaboutlove.org to search for families waiting to adopt.

ellenmarie_47

First of all you do you love your husband and want your family to stay together? Do you love John? You need to find out if your husband can sign to have the baby adopted, is he considered the legal father and what are the chances he is? My husband is adopted and had a wonderful adopted Mom & Dad. He never searched for his birth parents and just asumed they wanted what was best for him and let him be adopted out of love. My son and daughter in law want to adopt because she can't have a baby. It is a dream come true for couples like them to find a baby to call their own. Birth parents who give their baby for adoption have their own special reasons and if it is to give their baby a good life who is to judge? There are many couples who cannot have children and would love to have a child, so you are not only helping your baby have a lifetime of love but are also giving a precious gift to someone who can't have a baby of their own. This is not an easy decision and I hope you and your husband can find the right answer for both of you. A baby is a gift from God and if God helps you find a loving Mom & Dad for your baby and you are OK with that it is not any one else's place to critize your decision. They are not in your shoes and don't have to live your life. Search your heart and soul and come up with the best answer for yourself and the baby. God bless you.

blue eyed devil (aka devilhue)

wow whats going on with all the thumbs down? lol

anyway dont worry about it being adopted isnt so bad, i was adopted at the age of 2yrs, and although i feel nothing towards my birth parent i THANK her for giving me a brilliant family who i love so much!

this is something you and your husband really need to sit down and talk about, even have counselling to make sure this is what you BOTH want, or it could break your marriage almost as easily as keeping it. either way it going to be very hard on both of you,

im glad you to are still together, and im sure YOU will BOTH do what is right for YOUR family unit......

good luck to you both (and the kids).....

if you need a friendly unbiased chat im usually online/ not so long ago i was in a similar situation........

Jen M

i just read you story and i cant imagine what this situation feels like.but i have to be honest i can only think about my situation. we cannot have children so i geuss im feeling desperate at this point. if you did consider adoption if you would contact me.my husband and i both work with children and have found out i most likely cannot concieve.please dont forget there is a god and he is just waiting for you to call upon him for guidance.

Una

GIVE YOUR BABY TO MEEEEEE!

You are such a troll.

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