This is a question for people who were adopted. Is there anything your caregiver could have said better?

DevonChaos

I have knows that I was adopted as far back as I can remember. My parents told me in little ways, quite often, that I was adopted. They told me that they loved me, and that I was a part of their family, no matter who gave birth to me.

What they could have done/said better was to stop pushing the fact that I looked like my father, or some relative. Being that I wasn't biologically theirs, hearing this really put me off. There are people who are completely unrelated who look enough alike to be twins, but the way they put it was kind of like telling me that no one would ever figure it out unless I told them. Like it was a secret. They would also tell my friends parents that I was adopted, who in turn would tell their children, who would tell the rest of the class. While I don't mind anyone knowing NOW, at the time, it was horrid. I was teased a lot, and my parents never did much to help me work through it, other than telling me that they "chose me" and that I was somehow more special than other kids because of this. It really made me feel awkward around others for a very long time, and it gave me a feeling of further alienation.

Just be honest, open, and REALLY listen if they come to you with an issue involving their adoption. The feelings that a child feels about their adoption are very primal, and need a lot of thoughtful problem solving and love to work through.

I think since you are asking, and you are open to the answers you get, you are one step ahead of some adoptive parents.

Mei-Ling

Yes.

I wish my mom had said "She loved you but could not keep you because of [reason]" instead of saying "She loved you so much she gave you up."

Anha S

I grew up on the chosen and special spiel. I didn't feel chosen, or particularly special. Once I got old enough that I started putting the stories together, I figured out that I really wasn't chosen, they were just next in line. And that fertility treatments had come before me. I also wasn't really treated like I was actually chosen and special, quite the opposite, they were just words, and damaging ones at that. That left me feeling like dog meat.

I always knew, my amom practiced telling me every day from the day she brought me home, so I dont remember a time I didnt know.

My parents were in their 30s when they adopted me.

I'm not sure what my parents could have done, but I would have preferred to live without the anger issues, being held to seriously absurd standards so my bad blood didnt begin to show, and being treated like a freak because I was different.

Laurel J

I always knew I was wanted and loved by my a'parents, and there was never a time I didn't know I was adopted. (Not telling until 18 is a terrible idea--the child will feel betrayed and lied to.)

The problem with my adoption was that people simply did not talk about adoption at that time. I was made to feel (mostly by others, not my a'parents) that I had to declare my loyalty to one set of parents or another. It was a real double bind. When people found out I was adopted, they said "Do you ever wonder about your real parents?" and if I said I did wonder, I got "Your adoptive parents are the real parents." So I felt I had to hide my feelings about adoption and never ask questions and always act happy.

I wish someone had told me it was OK to be sad sometimes, and that feeling that way didn't make me a bad, ungrateful kid. I still have a hard time expressing certain feelings because I'm sure they are shameful or "not right."

I don't know what to recommend except that you make very sure before you adopt that you don't mind raising a kid you didn't give birth to. The child should never feel s/he has to pretend to be someone s/he isn't. And s/he should feel free to express his/er emotions without having to worry about who they make uncomfortable.

Some other suggestions I would second is to not use that "special, chosen" stuff (it made me feel I could never live up to my a'parents' image of me) and to give an honest but respectful answer to the "Why was I given up?" question.

cruzgirlz3

First I don't feel bitter and I never felt unwanted by my parents. However, that doesn't mean I don't have some issues that are related to adoption.

My parents could have been better at affirming my curiosity about where I came from. If I asked questions they did answer but they also would say things like "You would never want to search would you?" That pretty much shut me down as a child and gave me the message that searching was not ok. I think had I said "yes" they would have supported me but in my mind it became an issue of loyalty to them. I would have liked them to have encouraged me to search. They could have said something like "If you ever want to search, we will help you, and we will support you." It would have made a world of difference. My biggest regret as an adoptee is that I waited so long.

(Also, ditto to what Mei Ling said)

SJM

What can you say to someone who has been so thoroughly stripped of their family that they are not even allowed to know their own name to make them feel wanted and loved? What sounds like bitterness is simply a recognition of facts. No human being should ever be intentionally placed in that situation, and if they are, they should not be expected to appreciate it. No amount of hugs or toys or afternoon chats can fill the void when the basic question, "Who am I?" remains unanswered.

ETA: This place is so predictable. As you can see, the grateful adoptee had appeared to blame bitterness on the inadequacy of an adoptive home. Withholding a person's identity from that person is immoral. Calling it 'adoption' does not justify it. Belittling people who are able to recognize injustice does not solve the problem. My best advice to you is to avoid a closed adoption. My parents had no choice. It was just the way things were done then. Today, you have a choice.

Dreamweaver ILF posse 2009

I didn't have a caregiver. Never went to daycare or anything. I had a mom and a dad

PhilM

The mistake is thinking that our parents did something wrong. They didn't. (I mean, nothing more than the usual stuff parents do wrong all the time, in every generation.) It is adoption itself. As others have said, simply be open to discussing things with your child. Don't turn adoption into a taboo topic.

And educate yourself about adoptee experiences. (Though some would have you believe otherwise, there are definite trends that have been noted and studied in adoptees.) Here are some good books to get you started:

* "Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search for Self" by Brodzinsky, Schecter, and Henig

* "Journey of the Adopted Self" by Betty Jean Lifton

* "The Primal Wound" by Nancy Verrier

The Bad

"I didn't even know what to FEED a five year old"

"I always wondered why G-d would send me an older child, when all I wanted was a baby"

"Well, we were supposed to get a little boy that we REALLY REALLY wanted, but he died at birth"

Here is a short list of the things that should have never come out of my mothers mouth, let alone in front of me.

I ALWAYS felt like I was not REALLY wanted, I just was something that G-d sent, and they had to tolerate. My little sister was always the golden child (still is to this day <she is 25 and I am 31>). Even our names reflect that. Hers means "gift from G-d" and mine means "sent from G-d". I know no parent is perfect and hurtful things are sometimes said, but I heard this repeated my WHOLE life, until I finally broke contact with them. I did go and find my birth mom, and she is no better. She had the unmitigated gaul and audacity to say,"With as good looking as I am, I thought I would have had prettier kids". I have found the only person who loves me unconditionally in my Mother-in-law. She loves me as her own daughter and I love her as my mother. I try to take these lessons and apply them to my step-daughter. I want her to always know that I love her as my own child and would give my life for her without hesitation.

Oh, and my parents were 35 when they adopted me and I was between 5 and 6. So I always knew I was adopted. I was the one to tell my little sister she was adopted, because they were not ever planning on telling her. I know I should have not taken matters into my own hands, but they were so horrible to me, that I felt very justified.

Linny G

"Caregiver"???? Well, I would say if you "want to give a child the best environment possible", calling adoptive parents a "caregiver" is your first mistake.

We all know we are wanted and loved, by BOTH families. Know that your child will always think of their first parents, and will eventually want to meet them. It has nothing to do with being bitter. It has nothing to do with YOU.

Adoption should never be for YOU. It is about the CHILD. We are not "GIFTS", we are not "CHOSEN". We will mourn the loss of our families, yet love you too.

If you cannot accept that we will eventually want to know and love our first families, then you need to adopt a puppy.

I had the greatest a p's on the planet. For me to NOT want to know and love my first family would have been the opposite of what my a p's taught me of love and family.

Keep the adoption open. Do NOT adopt internationally. Adopt an older child from foster care. Allow the child to talk openly about their first family. Let them know they can love you AND their first family. Love should NEVER be discouraged.

mom in christ

I was adopted at age 1 and unfortunatly i think my adoptive mom agreed to the adoption to make my adoptive dad happy ( they had my brother who was their biological child and he damaged her badly so she couldnt have anymore children) . She was one of those people who found it difficuilt to love another persons child. To make things worse i must of picked this up because i became a boisterous and troblesome child for need of attention from her which didnt help matters. In conclusion i never grew up with a mothers love and this caused many problems in my youth ( running away, doing all kinds of awful things to be accepted and noticed)
My answer is make sure that you both have the ability to love the child unconditionally knowing it is not yours. Dads dont seem to have this problem. My dad used to call me his best adopted daughter which made me feel special and loved and treated me like his own flesh and blood. Thanks to him i am the way i am today . . It would be good for you both to go to councelling before you adopt and to do as much reasearch and read as many books as you can. James dobsons books are wonderful and give you advice from a christian point of veiw.

kateiskate

Caregivers???

My parents adopted me when I was 3 months old. They were 26 years old at the time I came over to them. I've known I was adopted for as long as I can remember. It would have been kinda hard to lie to me about it though since I'm Asian and they are White...LOL. Honesty is the best policy.

I know my aparents wanted me and loved me, but that love was not enough to erase the pain of having been surrendered by my first mom. If I were to give you just one piece of advice on raising an adopted kid, it would be to acnknowledge this loss, allow them to mourn, and to understand the traumatic psychological effect being surrendered takes on you. If my parents had done that, I would likely be a more open person.

Kashi

I was adopted at about 6 weeks old. My parents weren't able to have children and were in their mid to late 30's when they adopted me. I have always known I was adopted. I don't remember being told, but my parents have told me how they kind of went about it. They basically told me they couldn't have a baby, and my mom and dad weren't able to care for me since they were very young. They made a big deal about how special it was. I asked some silly question like "why'd you pick me?" I think I was probably 2 or something like that. I have a younger brother (not blood related) that they adopted 4 years later. I even remember going to the adoption agency and holding him. It was so cool! I love the fact that they told both of us so early. There was no time for feeling abandoned or regrets because that's how we always knew it to be. Their friends and family all knew too, so really how can you keep a secret like that? Plus, you have to provide accurate information to doctors, etc. My parents were always open to discussion and questions. I definately had a desire later in life to find them and maybe find out some more medical answers and see what they looked like. And that was okay with my parents. I later found my birthmother when I was 30. It was a wonderful experience and my parents thought it was great and still talk to me about her. I think the whole thing taught me a good lesson- that families come in all different shapes and sizes. And some things happen in life and we have to make hard choices. Who wouldn't want to teach those lessons to their kids?

AdoreHim

I am both adopted and an adoptive parent- the one thing I would suggest that you do not call an adoptive parent, just a caregiver. We are parents. Just love your child that you plan to adopt. Do not treat them any differently then you would if you had them biologically. My adopted mother (who is my mother, by the way)- was younger than my dad. Yes, I always knew that I was adopted, and we told our children at a very young age as well, that we adopted them. If and when you adopt, please do not wait until they are 18 to tell them- then they would wonder what is wrong with being adopted. Once again you will not be a caregiver, you will be their parents.

Indian-vision

I think you've got some very good responses from adoptees. But as an Adoptive parent if you will look at your child as a mere "care giver" and not a parent you will be doing a huge injustice to your child.

I see a caregiver as some one who can't emotionally attach and bond the way a parent can to his child. He is clinically doing his duty of "care giving". Is that what you'd like to be ?

platinum_shakur

My parents have adopted 3 children.All in which can straight for out of the hospital. All were treated like our natural kin. They are now 19,15 and 12 and now they know that they wre adopted. I guess it depends on how you chose to raise them and how old they are when you get them.

Robert P

You just get a lot of unhappy people on this site.

I love my adopted parents. I just think of them as my parents. There was nothing that they could have done better. No one is perfect, even the birth parents that some unhappy adoptees look for. Do not let the few unhappy souls dissuade you. They came from homes that would have severe problems whether adoptive or not. Most of us are OK.

Just love the child.

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