To adoptee's. When you asked, why did you give me up, is any answer good enough?

PhilM

No. No answer is good enough.

Let me explain. The me who is an adult, who approaches things intellectually as well as emotionally, the truth is good enough. For that me, my curiosity was satisfied. What happened, happened.

For the me who is still a child, no answer can be good enough. No child wants to lose his or her mother. What answer could satisfy that child?

But I will say, that she was able to acknowledge my pain, and tell me of her own, that she was able to validate my feelings, rather than dismissing them with a simple "it was for the best"... That she was able to hear me and speak to me... That helped. It brought a measure of peace that she could hear me and accept how I felt about it, rather than trying to convince me I should feel differently. In accepting how I felt, she was more able to help me move past it, than by demanding I move past it.

If that makes any sense...

Rowan

I have asked this question. Yes, the answer was good enough, What is that answer. I'll tell you what it wasn't.

It wasnt because she was too young, she was 24 years old.
Her parents didn't make her do it, her dad skipped before she was born, her mom dumpded her in foster care.
She could have cared less about a wedding ring.

To her, it was for the best. Thats good enough for me. There's no sense trying to drag every last detail out of her, it hurts her to talk about it. Being a decent human being, i never pressed the issue. She admits she just was not cut out to raise a child, and despite loving me and my twin(and the younger child she kept) she knew she couldnt do it.

casttostrangers

My mom was 26 married with children and went on to have children after me. I have never told and never will that her reason was not valid, only for fear of loosing her again.
She knows and I know in the whole scheme of things it was lame excuse.
She beats herself up way more than I ever could.

sunny

Not until I read the 'Girls Who Went Away', did I really 'get' that in the early 1960s she could have never kept me unless my father married her.

Kashi

I never asked, because I already knew. My parents were still in highschool. It was the early 70's when they still sent pregnant teens away to another school for pregnant girls. There was not alot of family support otherwise I think she would have made a different decision. I have since found her, but I never asked her the question. She has talked about it, but not because I asked. It's really easy for people to be judgemental when they are not in the exact same situation as someone else. There's alot of grey area in the world, and answers are not always as clear as black and white. Even if someone gives up a baby because of selfish reasons, that baby is probably better off in a different environment. It really doesn't seem to do any good to focus on the why.

Cool Hal

I was adopted in 1972 but in the UK so I guess you and could have had a similar background. I know where my bio mum is and am still deciding should I contact her. One of the question I have is why? From the information that I have I believe it is down to naivety and being bullied.

But when I ask all I want is the truth - the actual reason doesn't matter, I cant change the past only work with the here and now and then slowly slowly to the future.

Laurel J

I knew why I was given up--it was 1965 and I was born out of wedlock. And it was certainly a "good enough" reason.

But it will always hurt anyway. That's just how adoption is.

Possum

Deep in my soul - no - no answer is really ever good enough.

Especially when they got married 6 months after my birth - and kept 3 more kids.
Being given away by your mother & father - hurts to the core.
Certainly some reasons are a little more acceptable than others - but ultimately - human nature tells us that we want to be with the one's that we were born to.
When that can't happen - it's a trauma to the soul - and that child will constantly wonder - why me - why wasn't I good enough to fight for??

ETA: just to add - my answer echos much of what Phil has said - to my child self - no reason is good enough.
To my adult self - I can understand - I've read a heap - finding my truth is far better than not knowing at all.
But every now and then - like when I held each of my three daughters after their births - or when something triggers that deep hurt - no reason is good enough.

Dreamweaver ILF posse 2009

I don't ever intend to ask my bmom that question. As a bmom myself those reasons probably sound stupid now and won't make sense to the "child" (tho they are no longer children). If I ever meet her, and she chooses to give me reason, I will accept it.

Dan B.

not really. but she's my mom and i love her.

Mei-Ling

The Short Version:

As an adult, knowing why she couldn't keep me was important to know. Yes, I was relieved at hearing the truth confirmed. My adoptive mother had always told me, but it was nice hearing it from the source herself.

As a child? No. Never. Not in my case. It doesn't matter how you say it. Intellectually you understand. Emotionally? No. Why? Because every child wonders at some point. There are those who will say they've never wondered - I'm NOT talking about their perspectives. For many children, "She loved you but had to give you up" is NOT going to be good enough.

The Long Version:

http://sisterheping.wordpress.com/2008/08/14/wanted-but-not-wanted-enough/

wordsshatterstonehearts

Honestly, my mother and father are the people who raised me, not my biological parents. I have never known them and have never really been curious to find them.
Whether they did what was best for me or did it for a selfish reason it doesn't really matter now, does it. The Great Spirit put me where I belong on this earth and I have purpose and make the best of everything. I love my family and my life.
At the same time, I never forget my biological heritage or thank the Great Spirit for letting two people give me a life.I am thankful that my biological mother did not abort me and have faith and trust that she made the right decision when deciding what she had to.
Hope that answers your question.
I'm so tired of people always thinking that adopted children are angry, crazy, unhappy individuals who have some part of their life unfulfilled.
I'm married, have a college degree in music, am happy, am pregnant, and have amazing parents. Can you say the same?

Liz

I can say from personal experience that no answer is good enough. There are plenty of reasons they can give you which to some adoptee's may seam like excuses of something they did at a time that they shouldn't have done it. I asked as much as I wanted to know and from there I moved on. My birth mother gave me her reasons but I already knew why. Same reasons as other mothers who find themselves giving up their child willingly or unwillingly. Too young or what have you. I can say the answer I was given wasn't good enough for me but it was good for that moment.

MoRmEx

Good question.

anastasia beaverhausen-the real1

i wouldn't give away a pet turtle, personally, so NO- there is NEVER a good enough reason.

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