To all those who have been adopted or have adopted a child..?

Laurel J

It's not wrong or weird for you to educate yourself about adoption beforehand at all--it's very commendable. Raising an adopted child is not like raising your own child, and the more you know going into it, the better off you and the child will be. Adoptees are different. Some of my best times with my a'parents have been spent celebrating those differences.

That said, I don't resent my a'parents. I resent the institution of adoption for making me feel that the price I must pay for a loving home is the surrendering of my original identity and a lifetime of facing societal expectations that I always talk about how wonderful adoption is and how grateful I am. But adoption is also confusing and isolating, and sometimes I want to talk about that without being told I'm wrong or bitter or ungrateful.

Lori A

I would think it has nothing to do with being happy or unhappy. Nothing to do with her adopted parents. According to you she had already stated she had a decent home and good parents. It has to do with her records being sealed. Her identity being locked away from her FOREVER. IF she were to age out in foster care her original birth certificate would have been available to her with ALL of her personal history.

It is simply amazing how some people take a comment and automatically assume it means unhappy, bad experience, pessimistic. And I love how it automatically means these people are in the minority just because someone else personally knows a few adoptees.

I think it would be a shame if you based you opinion on what one person has said. But worse than that it would be a shame if you didn't understand the real reason behind the statement. It is possible to have a good up bringing with wonderful parents and still resent that upon turning legal age (or at the age of 30) your personal information, information that is available to any other citizen, is still unavailable to you just because you happened to be adopted. This is one of many lies that the industry has told, that upon turning legal age ALL your information will be available to you. This is just not the case depending on where you live. You need a good reason and a court order to open those records, once sealed, and very few ever has a good enough reason.

Whether you or anyone else feels it is a good enough reason, is not the issue. To that person, their identity or better yet the lack of identity, is a good enough reason to fight for adoptee rights and unsealed records. It doesn't just affect the adoptee, it affects their children and their children's children. Histories are wiped out because of a practice. Think about the medical information that is not available because of this. All done to pretend someone is born to someone else.

Not just silly and rediculous, but dangerous and damamging to those who have to live it.

I hope this helps

Sofiakat

Someone who was adopted at birth has not been through the "system". I am assuming this person meant the foster care system. No one would wish to be in the system who has already been there.
My son, resents his adoption, and he is only six. By the mere nature of adoption, he has a right to be resentful. He was in foster care. He languished there, in the system. There are many complex and confusing and painful parts to adoption whether you were adopted from care or adopted at birth. It is my job as my son's parent, to help him deal with his feeling about it, to be there for him, to guide him in a path of healing. I cannot "fix" his adoption issues. All I can do is love him while he goes through them. Would I give up on parenting him knowing that he might make the same above statement when he becomes an adult? NOPE! Do I think he is better off in the "system". NOPE! Will I continue to love him, cherish him, hug him and kiss, blood, sweat, and tears over him even if there is a chance he doesnt want me some day? ABSOLUTELY! He is a child and intrinsically deserves all the love and care in the world.
I would not let the comments made by one person affect you so much. Yes adult adoptees often have issues surrounding their adoption to work through, but Lord knows, if I were them, I would too.
Keep educating yourself about the specific things adoptees go through. Educate yourself on fostering to adopt. the more you learn the better.

Opedial

Well first, children will resent their parents for something, all children!

But as for a child not wanting to be adopted, it definitely varies from adoptee to adoptee on Yahoo Answers. What we, as adoptive parents must understand is that our children have suffered great loss to come into our family. They have lost their Family of origin. They have lost their roots. They have lost in that they may feel they have been abandoned.

I advocate adoption from foster care, but also go in with keeping the child connected if possible to his/her family, and also understand they have two mom's, even if you are the only active mom, they still have a mom they were born to, which makes them connected forever.

I will not lie, adopting a child is DIFFERENT than having a child by birth. It is not worse in my eye, but there are some differences you have to acknowledge to help the child along in life.

I feel I am a good mom, and I don't think my children will say they had wished they had never been adopted by us. What they may say is that they wish there had never been a NEED for adoption to begin with. These are two different things.

It is worth it, I love my children and my life. I love seeing my children develop. My eldest is a child who was afraid of EVERYTHING when he moved in and was still soiling himself (he was 6), and now he is full of life and yesterday we were wowed when he took to tobogganing with a zest I have never seen. We treasure these moments, and are proud of all my children have achieved.

What I think adoptive parents require is education. Read. Go to PRIDE sessions. Stay on Answers. The more knowledge you have, the better it will be for your children.

Best of luck.

like my "cow lick"?

agreed and i was fostered..

monkeykitty83

I would suggest that if you're unprepared to have a child resent you, you might want to work on that before you consider parenting... whether biological or adoptive. Chances are any child you raise will resent you for something at some point.

You'll make that much worse for yourself if you chuck around the fact that you "provided a loving home" and expect gratitude or compliance. All children deserve to be safe. All children deserve a loving home. You aren't going above and beyond by providing these basic necessities to a child you chose to adopt as your own.

Your child may not feel great about being adopted. He might always grieve the loss of his biological family. She might regret growing up with people who didn't look like her, or share her personality and interests. Depending on your state, your child may never have access to his/her original birth records, which is understandably frustrating and demeaning. If you aren't prepared for your child to be less than thrilled about adoption, I suggest you don't adopt.

Your child might not seriously struggle with any of this. Not every adopted person will. But some people DO, and if your child is one of them, you still need to be able to love unconditionally, and offer understanding and support.

As for the comment you read... not to be rude about what this woman said, but for someone adopted as a newborn to say she would have been better off in the foster care system is pure conjecture on her part, because she was not IN the foster care system in her conscious memory. She has no point of comparison from her own experience. The fact she was adopted doesn't automatically mean she knows firsthand what life is like in foster care-- she never experienced it.

Not to downplay her pain about adoption, which sounds very real, but life for children in the foster care system is far from rosy either, and would have brought its own set of major problems. When children lose their parents, there is no possible win-win solution.

So I wouldn't take from this that all children should be left in foster care. That's one woman's opinion about her own situation, which is based on a hypothetical rather than her actual personal experience. Children in foster care DO need permanent homes. Adjusting to that new home can be difficult, though. You need to prepare to parent a child who may have a lot of grief and anger, and may be strongly missing his/her biological family. Children aren't going to be grateful and easy to live with just because they had a difficult foster care experience.

I wouldn't take the suggestion that she would rather have been in the foster care system too much to heart, because it's coming from someone who was never actually fostered... so you shouldn't allow yourself to be totally swayed by this single comment. But you SHOULD be prepared to handle the fact that your child may never be happy with having been adopted. You SHOULD be prepared to parent by giving, not receiving.

LovetheLORDfirst

Not at all weird, and actually, surprisingly that woman's sentiments are not rare. Think about it, and read the studies. It is a lot easier, for one, for an older child who is aware and a bit mature to attach to an adoptive parent than it is a baby or toddler. They may never understand why they feel resentful towards their APs, but that could be one reason. My husband and I are looking into adopting an older child/ teen. There are Many out there with minimal "problems," and there is a ton of help available. Adopting an older child is "free," by the way. Hope you'll look into it...

Just me

I'm adopted and i love my adopted parents u hate using the word adopted parents though, their my parents and i think you should adopt a child. I can tell that u would be a great mom by the way u wrote this. u want ur child to have a good life and if u can provide that then u should adopt and focus on being a loving parent and forget about what that person wrote. Being with you will be better for the child then hopping from one foster home to another. (not all foster parents are good people)

cantstopLinnyG

I am adopted. The links Sunny provided are excellent, and will give you a glance into an adoptees mind.

While I do not "resent" my adoptive parents, I resent a system that is full of lies and deception. I resent society for buying into these lies and deceptions.

Most of us were NOT given "better lives", just different lives. Our first families are loving, too. MOST of our parents were coerced into relinquishment because society brainwashed them into thinking they could not provide us with the "ideal" family.

I love my adoptive parents. They love me...but that has NOTHING to do with the feelings of abandonment, rejection and confusion which come from adoption, and has nothing to do with my desire to know and love my first family.

So, as "disloyal" and "ungrateful" as this may sound, I wish I had NOT been adopted & stayed in the system. I would not have had all the secrets, lies and guilt which stem from closed adoption.

Adoption as we know it must change. There can be no lies or secrets. We have 2 families, and no amount of love of stuff will change that fact. One family's gain, is another family's loss.Society must change and try to keep families together.

If you have problems with the fact a child you may adopt will struggle with their relinquishment and want to know and love their first family, you should not adopt.

Indian-vision

Stick around here and read. There are loads of adoptees here all with views as different as the colour of the rainbow.

You would need to learn why some are resentfull. As an adoptive parent you could learn how to deal with issues that come with adoption only. As expectant parents read about parenting issues. You could educate yourself with issues that an adoptee and AP's face. Learn how best to be an adoptive parent.

You have many here in this section with the same view as the one adoptees who's comment you read.

And you have just as many who don't feel the same way at all. The complete opposite infact.

If you had a bio child how do you guarantee he/she won't end up being resenting you as you say for something or the other ??? No you won't know that.

Life comes with no guarantees.

BLW_KAM

No, it's not wrong to have worries based on what one person says. It's the start of the learning process.

There are a few people here who have had positive experiences with their adoptions. But there are more who have strong negative feelings about it. Some were treated poorly by their adoptive parents, others were lied to, some have a profound sense of loss, others were into adulthood before they started to realize the impact of their adoptions.

Adoption is complicated and in order to be a good adoptive parent, you need to learn as much as you can about the full spectrum of how adoptees feel so you can emotionally support your child.

Learn as much as you can and if you still wish to adopt, try to be the most open, honest, sensitive, and supportive adoptive parent you can be.

As some say, "It isn't all rainbows and unicorns.", but there is joy in being an AP.

Randy B

Everyone has their own feelings on the subject and for every one who feels that way, as is their right, I know of plenty of others who do not feel that way, including myself (since I've been told here that I am no longer allowed to speak for my adopted children). You will find a few here who feel similar, plenty of others who have objects to their adoption process and plenty of others who realize that while the system is not perfect it's the best we have (and a whole host of opinions in between).

If you are going to let the comments of one person stop you from adopting then perhaps it's not the best choice for you in the first place. If you are going to take that comment and use it as a basis to educate and enlighten yourself with on the subject of adoption then give it some time and then choose what you feel is best for your, your husband and your family. Only in that way will you do what is best for any children you may choose to adopt.

Britishbabe

You are not being weird at all. As an adoptee I would have loved to have been adopted from day 1. Being in the system was the worst 5 years of my life. I lived with my paternal grandmother until I was two and then DSS came and took me to several foster homes, the last one IWas in was when I was seven. I was adopted when I was eight. So I remeber the whole process. My adoptive parents went to a class I recomend that for you, it really helped them and it will help you. Don't feel guilty. My only adive is that if youadopt a child from birth don't hide thier adopted until their old enough, tell them right away, but let them know you love them just as much. Its cruel how some adoptive parents keep it from their child. Nothings worse than finding out your adopted when you thought your parents were really yours. I wish you the best of luck. You are a wonderful person for adopting. That 30 year-old woman had her own opinion, don't let hers decide for yourself and your husband. I hope this gives you some perspective.

â™¥*Â´`*â€¢.little mamaâ™¥*Â´`*â€¢.

im 16 and i was adopted. i was also adopted from birth . let me say this .. EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT! ok? i have a diff. veiw. if i could go back and change anything i would not. Y? because i know my parents would not have been able to care for me. so i love my new family. they are wonderful. go and adopt. and im 90% sure they will love you. and y? because you took them from out of a horrible place. and cared for then and loved them. not to many are luck. OR u can foster that child first . see how things go and then choose to adopt :) any questions . no problem add me or email me missdavis119@yahoo.com

Emily D

I was adopted at birth and I wouldn't have had it any other way. My birth mother couldn't have provided me with the love and care that my parents have. She said it herself to the doctor who delivered me. I've never resented her or my parents. Quite the opposite really. I thank the Lord every day for giving her the strength to realize that she couldn't provide for me in the way that she wanted me to be provided for and that there had to be a couple out there who had the love and resources to give a child, but wasn't able to have one of their own. Every day on my birthday I say a special prayer for her. I don't resent her at all.

I hate to hear people speak badly of adoption. It's such a wonderful thing. My parents love me so much. I was the child they thought that they weren't going to get to have. Everything about my adoption has been positive.

Kate

No, it is perfectly normal to have such feelings.

I was adopted from the system, I am glad I was adopted, although it still hurts knowing my biological family, knowing they hate me, knowing I have three full siblings that I can never see who have been brainwashed to think I hate them. It is horrible.

However, I mentor many foster teens and all of them cannot return to biological family and they all wished they were adopted for various reasons.

Only you know what is best, I think by adopting from foster care, taking in a child that has no biological family, etc. At least they will have a loving forever home.

But, whether an adoption was great or bad feelings, those feelings will never go away. I could right now breakdown crying about it but that does me no good. I just try to find the positive and use that to empower me and keep me going.

Best of luck in whatever you choose.

maj.beachbum

Don't tell them that they are adopted, they all go through a phase when they are teenagers and resent their adopted parents

Diane the Succubus (PFLAG)

While I am not adopted nor do I have an adopted child there are several adopted children in my family including my father and aunt (my father's older sister), as well as 5 of my 14 cousins first cousins (not to mention second cousins etc) ... All of them unlike the woman on the internet you mentioned are happy with having been adopted... They all feel they were lucky to have been raised in a family rather than the foster care system...

Children can be unhappy with the way they were raised whether they are biological children or adopted children... Don't let one woman's negativity get to you so much.... She is in the small minority who are unhappy and think the grass would be greener if only they could have been on the other side....

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