To aparents: is it insensitive to post a mother's "pregnant picture" on a child's time-line?

Linny G

As a child adoptee, I always felt different in front of my peers because I did not have a tummy picture. I had similar experiences, and my adoptive Mom always let me draw pictures of my birth mother to explain my different time line. Even when doing "family tree" projects in school. I had my a family's tree, then my n family tree. Of course, having a closed adoption made that difficult, but it was acknowledged. I did the same for my children when they had to do family trees.

As far as that adopted parent in your child's class, her reaction is insensitive, especially to her adopted child. She is setting her child up for a lifetime of rides down the Denial River. Truth should NOT be confusing. either should differences.

Sofiakat

Dear Lord! This sounds like an amom who has issues with her daughter's adoption or mother.
When my daughter started school this year, I asked the teacher to give me a heads up if any projects involved past baby pictures, etc. I told her that we may have to draw the pictures for my daughter as we literally have none. If it were to be a picture of being in mommy's tummy, then we would have drawn her first mom, NOT me, because I was not that mom.
Also, I wanted the heads-up so I could explain anything to my daughter that needed explaining (4 year olds have the tendency to mash info in their minds).
I truly believe that when it comes to adoption "the truth will set you free."
I think the amom was being WAY to sensitive and should probably look at why she was offended by this. Her daughter's life story is her daughter's life story. There is nothing wrong with that.

Mom to Foster Children

I don't think it would be, and when my son has this project I will only put pictures of "us" after the age of 4 as that is when he was a part of our family. He has a mother / father / grandfather...etc....and they were here with him before me.

If a mother wants to shelter her child from what happens around her everyday then that is her wish - but to do that she would need to homeschool her child and not let her out in the real world!

Randy B

Political correctness gone mad. I don't see a problem with posting a pic like that IF you have one and IF you want to. It's no different then a student being required to write a story about a grandparent if it's possible that some student's grandparents are deceased.

Sounds to me more like the adoptive mother is more concerned with causing a stink about this then she is with helping her child deal with the subject in a useful and healthy way.

cruzgirlz3

This is the first time I have ever even heard of a "tummy picture." Not to say I don't have pictures of myself pregnant, my kids were just never asked to share it with the entire class. Whew! I guess we missed that parenting trend.

I just think as an adoptee you learn to deal with these "time line" things all your life. The family trees, and heritage days all felt uncomfortable to me to a certain extent but I, or my parents, never felt the need to be accommodated. Awkward moments are part of our life, eh? As long as the other kids are not mean, or teasing this child, I really see nothing wrong with it. It is something the mother needs to handle with balance and sensitivity.

eta-thanks for the update Tish. :-) Sounds cute.

Heather Leigh

No it is not insensitive. It is only confusing to the adopted children if their parents are not telling them they are adopted. If they are choosing to lie about the adoption, they might as well take it a step further and just tell the child that all of the pregnancy pictures were lost in a flood or fire.

I do not have any pictures of me when I was pregnant. So all of my children would be missing these.

Victory loves her Redneck Man

I don't think it is....I mean sure it will create a awkward situation for adoptive kids especially if they don't know but why shield them from it they are going to find out some day.I never understood why parents keep adoption from their adopted child...I would just ignore her comments and do it anyway but that is me.

Kim

I do not think it was offensive for you to include a "tummy picture" on your child's timeline. It is your child's timeline and it was appropriate to the assignment.

I'm a little confused what happened in class. Did the adopted child question her adoptive mother about why she didn't have a tummy pic at all? Or did the other children question the adopted child about why she didn't have a tummy pic on her timeline?

If it was the first situation, it sounds like an awkward situation for the mother, not the child. If it was the second one, I can feel for them a little more. I hoped the teacher stepped in and said something like "everyone's timeline can be different..." (Which is what I hope she'd do if any child, for whatever reason, didn't have a photo of a major event.)

We had a similar situation last year where DS volunteered a small amount of info then got inundated with questions asking for more info than he wanted to give. I was not thrilled with how the teacher handled it, namely that she didn't step in and even participated in the questioning. (Since it was 'a teacher' asking, DS felt like he had to answer even though he didn't want to. The teacher was a sub. I think his regular teacher would have handled it differently.)

I am sorry my son was put on-the-spot in the classroom. It was an awkward situation for him. However, we used it as a chance to talk (at home) about different ways he could answer the question. I think he has been much more comfortable responding to similar situations since then. In this case the little girl could have said:
"I don't have a tummy pic because I'm adopted."
"I don't have a tummy pic." without further explanation.
"I decided to start my timeline when I was __(age)__."
"I decided not to include a tummy pic."
"I don't want to answer that question. If that's a problem, you can call my mom."
All of those are true... Depending on how much info she's comfortable sharing with her class. I think it sounds like a good 'role play' learning opportunity between mother and child.

Gaia Raain

Does she want her child to think she DIDN'T come from a tummy? I mean...what's her point exactly? All kids are created the same way. Just because there's no picture of it, doesn't mean it's not so. I daresay, if this were an open adoption, she might just be able to call up this child's natural mom and ASK if she's got a picture.

Anha S

It sounds like the issue belongs to the mother, not the child. She got asked an awkward and uncomfortable question, thus everyone else should be made to feel guilty.

I don't think its insensitive. I think the mother in question could help matters by being prepared and willing to have very open dialogue with her child, and be ready to answer those awkward uncomfortable questions rather than tell a teacher that it's inappropriate.

kims

I think the mom is being kind of insensitive to her child by (seemingly) brushing off the chance to have some open discussion with her child about adoption. Instead she scolds the teacher for unknowingly letting the issue arise.

ladybmw1218

There are many school assignments that may "leave out" children who were adopted, such as family trees. I don't think being offended and angry is the best response....how does that make the child feel? Accepting the uniqueness of your child and the situation and getting creative about it might work better.

If one is concerned, they may wish to speak to each teacher at the beginning of the year, to find out if there may be assignments for which the fact that a child was adopted will be brought "front and center". I think most teachers would be happy to adjust things to avoid singling any child out.

Luckily my son does have tummy and ultrasound pictures, and current pictures with his first mom, and even his family tree. His first family is a big part of our lives. Doesn't necessarily mean he will want to use them, or put his own adoption out there for the world to see. That will be up to him.

School Nurse

I don't think it is insensitive at all. We are all the same in a lot of ways AND we are all different in a lot of ways. It is the differences that makes us unique or special. It sounds like a teaching moment to me. Pre-school students are influenced still mostly by the parents rather than outside sources. It is the best time to start the understanding process of their adoption and be made to feel special rather than odd. Self esteem starts early and the parent of the child in question may be headed for trouble if she is trying to shelter the child from his/her own adoption.

Jennifer L

I think that teachers should be sensitive in these situations. But they come up all the time. I don't think that every school project or family tree should turn into a seminar on adoption education. Sometimes, kids just want to fit in and want their project to look like everyone else's.

I'm not saying that everyone else needed to exclude "tummy pictures" because one child didn't have one.... anymore than they should exclude "daddy pictures" if someone's father has died or otherwise isn't around. Things like this come up a lot in life and it's a good time for an AP to work with their child on how to deal with these situations as they arise.

This situation though, sounds like it was between the mother and her child, not her child and other schoolchildren. If a child isn't distraught or upset about something like this, there's no reason to overreact and make them think that they SHOULD be upset.

I think that a parent was not prepared. It could be she had not discussed the adoption yet and was caught off guard and she transferred her guilt and frustration to the teacher. The assignment was to make a time line of your life and it was left to interpretation and most people did include the pregnant pic myself i would of included an ultrasound pic for my daughter for our son the pic from when he first came to our home.
I don't see that as insensitive with using the pic each family choose to do to the assignment in one way or another

â•”Kimmehâ•— â™ªâ™«

I can see it going either way, really. I understand that there are adopted children, but pregnancy is also a part of a "time line" in my opinion... I don't see how its inappropriate, persay, but I guess it would be a problem if there was adopted children in the class. It's just a time line though, I don't understand why people get so angry over the simplest things. All children come from a womb, and I'd put money on it, even some non adopted children don't have pregnancy pictures. I guess it's just a matter of personal preference for the class.

sizesmith

We're so lucky to have met and worked with our son's 1st mom, and to have "tummy pictures" of her with him. Ironically, my bio son has more problems with this day at school, because his father left, and had been using a fake name during my marriage and his conception.

For my bio son, since we didn't know the information, we used horse papers, and showed the characteristics of horses, even 5 generations back to their great-great-great-grand-sires. Seeing color charts, the importance of breeding, and papers on several horses, and books on them, in addition to having 2 sides of our family traced back before the beginning of our country, it showed many things. Where one can't build on the past, build on the present.

Sophie

I don't feel it is insensitive at all. Everyone and every family is different; that is what I teach my son. Being adopted is nothing to be ashamed of... in fact, having a family DIFFERENT from the average Mom/Dad/2.5 bio children/one dog family is neat. Especially, when you have two sets of families. :-)

monkeykitty83

I don't think you and the other mothers did anything wrong.

I can see why the adopted child asked the question (even if adoption has been explained to her pretty fully, at her age it's still a rather abstract concept,) but I think her mother should have responded to her curiosity by explaining the things about adoption that she might not understand yet. If it's "confusing," her mom needs to help her through her confusion so she can gain understanding of her situation, not keep her ignorant by eliminating the source of the confusion.

I think this should have been a moment the adoptive mom used to teach her daughter, not to complain about the other moms.

opedial

Nah, that is part of school, it is no different than when they do genetic family trees, it may put adoptees out. I think it is a marvelous time for the adoptive child to talk about how she/he was put into the family should they wish to. Otherwise, just have no picture.

Some teachers are just shortsighted and if the teacher knew their was an adoptive child in the picture then yes it was a bit insensitive, but teachers are insensitive sometimes.

Serenity71

I've often thought about this kind of thing when my eldest starts school. I decided to use it as an opportunity for us to talk about her adoption and how she came into the world and our family. (at a kids level) There are no pictures of her Nmother pregnant with her. So we just have to look for a different picture, if it comes down to it and the teacher isn't flexible it I'll draw one and send it in of a pregnant lady with her colouring...

I'd just send in a baby photo (fortunately I have one hospital photo of her.) If the teacher has a an issue with it she can call me. I would hope that the teachers would mention that its ok for families to form in other ways. NOT just for adopted children, but for kids in situations where its mum or dads second marriage. Or the kid lives with a relative not their mum and dad....

I guess a parent could be concerned if it upset her child. I have read in some books and on websites where adoptee's do still feel the sting of being asked for things like a pregnancy photo of before they were born. If we are to be open to listening, then we have to see that it can affect them more than we realize and be ready for it from a young age.

Kids don't always say if they're hurt by something like that, it comes out years later. So she could have just been a bit overprotective of him. (I have friends that are over protective of anything people say that might be criticism of their child's actions etc...and teachers, so over reacting isn't reserved to AP.)

Maybe the school should have broadened their approach to this rather than just asking for one photo, they could have said a baby picture or a picture with your mum and dad. I would have felt it would have worked a lot better.

Theresa

You know what, I actually do think it is insensitive. Not from the adoptive mother's point of view, but for making the child uncomfortable.

I don't think it has anything to do with political correctness whatsoever. There are other reasons than adoption why a young child would not have any pictures of their mothers pregnant with them. A child could be in foster care, it could be a situation with a noncustodial absent mother, there are so many situations and educators need to tread very carefully. This reminds me of the family tree assignment, or the 'who's earlobes do you have' assignment, you name it.

I think these related posts have a lot of good information on educating educators

http://thirdmom.blogspot.com/2007/08/back-to-school-with-confidence.html

http://thirdmom.blogspot.com/2007/08/helping-teachers-understand-adoption.html

Erin L

"personally, i do not think it's appropriate to minimize one child's life experiences for anothers" I totally agree with you there. I know there are some adoptive parents who have children with different amounts of known information and they try to "equalize" it - basically not give one of there children information they have because they don't want there other child to feel like their sibling has more.

Anyway, I agree with you that the problem in this case seems to be the mother of this child. It sounds like this assignment had lots of room to accomodate different families. That isn't always the case, and a lot of times adoptive parents run into unreasonably inflexible teachers. Maybe this mother just had her guard up too much.

furfur

I would think a more appropriate response to the child would be something along the lines of: "Children join families in many different ways that don't always start with being in their permanent family when they are in their first mommy's tummy" Maybe then go on to cite some examples...this child was adopted at 3, this one became a step sister at 5, etc.

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