Unhappy adoptees do you take things out on your loved ones?

Summer L

I think you're confused...its the barren childless Paps that like to inflict their infertility into the lives defenseless children and their mothers.

I am a very happy adoptee so I cannot answer the question, but I read an answer that does not make sense to me.

How can an barren PAP inflict their infertility on defenseless children?? The child is defenseless because they were relinquished for some reason, whether it be good or bad - so they still need homes. If a couple is childless and want children they should adopt... they are one of many families that give children homes.

I do not mean to minimize anyone's situation(s), but I do not understand. Does it really matter *where* the child comes from, as long as they are children that need homes? There are as many babies from agencies (not *all* are baby brokers) that need homes as there are older kids to foster-adopt.

adoptee and 7 year foster parent

Lori A

Unhappy with what, being adopted or being part of a dysfunctional system?

Linny G

Well of course I do. I to this day tell my A Mom she is not my "real mom" and then I threaten to run away to find my real family.
Then I draw mustaches and devil horns on all of our "family" pictures.

Here's my favorite web site, great resouce and ideas for all of us crazy ungrateful adoptees.

http://www.amfor.net/KillerAdopters/

Mei-Ling

Okay.

Let's take away the presumptions, alrighty?

First of all, I am not completely and utterly unhappy 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. There are aspects of my life which I am not so satisfied about, and I'm sure you've had those moments too when you wished things could be better.

You seem to think based on my response that I am nothing but a miserable, ungrateful little twit because all I do is complain. I assure you, in real life, I am quite the opposite.

I've had people say to me, "Do you not think that there are many other people out there who wish things had happened differently, that maybe their relatives had not died, that their parents hadn't divorced, that they had kept up elementary school friendships, etc?"

I'm sure each and every one of us has done something we wished we could "take back" or at least alter so it wouldn't have been so impactive as it was, whether it be regarding our moms, dads, siblings, or friends.

The difference in adoption?

My entire life has been altered by adoption. My entire identity is changed because of adoption. Let's take a divorce for example, where a child has been adopted but the divorce happened shoftly after the adoption was finalized.

If my parents had divorced, obviously I wish that wouldn't have needed to happen. I would have wished that they could have found a way to resolve their differences and not argue all the time. I would have wished that I did not need to "choose" between them and go back and forth, shouldering the burden of being careful not to "take sides."

The difference is that regardless of whether or not divorce has occurred - the child would have still been adopted and lost their original name, heritage, culture, language and biological parents.

Sure, divorce is FAR from a happy thing. I have a personal friend who can certainly testify to having felt the need to 'choose' or 'take sides' - who wishes that her parents hadn't been divorced, who wishes that everything could have worked out.

But she isn't adopted.

Whereas in the case of adoption, the child loses their original "everything" REGARDLESS of the divorce. Divorce is not permanent; it does not have to be. It will never be the way it once was, but in divorce, a child is not stripped from absolutely EVERYTHING pertaining to their original family, language and culture.

Divorce is not final.

Adoption is.

And no, I don't take it out on my loved ones. If I did, I'm sure they would TRY to understand rather than to just dismiss me as being "bitter/angry/ungrateful."

Because as far as I am aware, my MOM has never said that I should be grateful for losing my mother, heritage, culture and language. She has never said I should be grateful to be in contact, or that I can reunite with them.

Quite the contrary to what you may or may not think, she ENCOURAGED me and tried to understand how hard it was for me.

Anha S

Oh yes, Im absolutely miserable, all the time, every day, and everyone in my path pays! Well, no, really. Cmon, are you just trying to bait us for some saturday night fun? I'm thankfull about a lot of things in my life. Just not my adoption, sorry you can't find it in you to understand how a person can be negative about adoption, and not translate that to it being something that we vomit back up all over our loved ones.

Freckle Face

Awwww that's just mean.

If you really want to understand what the adoptees here are talking about then try to read the book, primal wound.

BOTZ

Does my husband suffer? No. He would leave, as I have ASKED him to leave if I ever make him unhappy (not 'upset', but deep, abiding unhappiness). He asked me the same. We made it part of our vows (which was a real surprise to the judge -- but not to anyone who knows us well).

Do I take it out on my "loved ones"? No.

I take it out on my "adopted ones". And they were the very ones who taught me that behavior.

I am VERY unhappy about being adopted. I am VERY unhappy (and angry, bitter, ungrateful, etc.) about the "card I was dealt" in my adoption (i.e. the nasty, cold, abusive family I 'got') but that is only one facet of my life.

Y!A hears about it more than anyone else...except my a-dad. And I NEVER call him (or talk to him) to 'vent' or for any reason at all. HE calls ME. As soon as HE stops calling, it'll be done. I'll be "over it" and the bitterness will eventually dissipate. HE (THEY) insist(s) on making continued contact with me. Until such a time as he gives up on that, he will get the FULL measure of my truth.

I don't feel "emptiness". I feel anger, hurt, and sorrow. They are quite different. I also feel (finally, due to reunion) joy, fulfillment, validation and authenticity. Those, too, are quite apart from emptiness. I am 'healing'. I am not 'healed'. I don't know if such is possible but I do have hope.

Forgiving, "moving on", getting "over it", etc. are NOT the same as allowing toxic, hateful people to CONTINUE to be part of one's life. I can "forgive" (I haven't yet...I hope I can someday) but I will NEVER forget.

Not Adopted

I hear they beat 'em with a stick.

âœ§ â“â“˜â“›â“¨ â™¥ kaelers, emy & bella

Alright, this is just low.
I don't like the downers any more than you, but you don't know their situation. Trying to goad them and being facetious isn't becoming at all.

Perhaps they didn't have the ideal adoption, perhaps their adoptive parents did treat them poorly and they haven't gotten past their misery yet.
All adoptees deal with certain feelings, and it takes some longer to learn how to deal with them. Some never do. Regardless, those are their feelings and if they're miserable and want to be miserable and stew in a pool of liquid anger, then they should be pitied and not baited.

This whole post was extremely immature of you. I'm happy that you had a good adoption like I myself did - that's an example of the system working at its best - but the fact remains that many do not, and the repercussions are often devastating to adoptees, birth parents and adoptive parents alike. The system is flawed, and for a lot of people it doesn't work out as well. We should feel sorry for them and recognize the problems; that doesn't mean we have to like how they go about raising awareness (anger and bitterness towards anyone with a positive attitude), but there does need to be some level of understanding their message and feelings, and accepting it. My godfather once told me that "nothing happens in a vacuum." There's always a cause for their feelings, and even though they might not deal with it in the best of ways, even take it out on other people or their own family, the feelings are real and valid, and there was a cause for them.

Dislike the action and the way they deal with it all you want, but don't add to their misery. It's in really poor taste.

Possum

Wow - sad for you that you have not an ounce of empathy in your soul.

Suggestion - get yourself into therapy.

sunny

It sounds like you are pretty far removed from the human condition, though, if you have "such a hard time understanding how (others) feel".

The feeling is known as EMPATHY, and often, when humans have a hard time 'feeling' it, they are repressing something, and may be repressing LOTS of things.

As a fellow adoptee, I recommend some therapy.

I wish you peace.

Independ"ant"

I think you're confused...its the barren childless Paps that like to inflict their infertility into the lives defenseless children and their mothers.

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