Unplanned pregnancy and adoption question...?

Possum

My mother was forced to give me up for adoption - even though my father offered marriage - by her mother. Unwed equalled shame - there was not a choice to keep - no matter what.
My father and mother married 6 months after my birth.
They're still together. They've had 3 more kids.
I've lived a life being unable to know any of them.

My adoptive father died just before my first birthday.
I was essentially raised in a single parent home.
My adoptive mother sadly died when I was 18.
It was a great family - but is was essentially a family of strangers - not a family that shared my genes - my traits - my talents - my blood.
I always felt a little out of place - a little 'wrong'.

Adoption is NO guarantee of ANYTHING.
Don't get married if you feel pressured.
You don't HAVE to be married to both be a full part of this child's life.

Just make sure you read this - and know fully what you're both getting into - and part of what it feels like for the child.
http://www.cubirthparents.org/booklet.pdf

Above all - if you can do it - this child needs to stay with the mother and father that had him/her - if there is no danger for the child.

That's what children are hard-wired to know - and to want.

Adopted children tend to always - at sometime - feel like a mistake.

If it doesn't have to happen - it shouldn't.

I wish you all the best.

Gaia Raain

It's much better for the child to know his roots, heritage, family, and have unlimited access to all of these, as long as no abuse or neglect are involved. Adoption should be a last resort, and should only be an option if abuse and/or neglect prevent the parents and other family members from raising the child with his/her own family.

adoptive mom

You have good answers already, so I will just point out that adoptive parents can get divorced too. Placing your baby with a married couple is no guarantee that they will always stay married. (I lost a dear friend to cancer not too long ago; her adopted daughter was only 6 at the time.)

anastasia beaverhausen-the real1

who the hell told you that you had to get married????

red&sassy

The child will be fine. Better to grow up with both parents and extended family, although separate, than to grow up as an adoptee where the divorcee rate is higher after an adoption. Adoptees have alot of rejection issues. You'll be fine. I know you're scared and want everything to be "perfect," but life doesn't work that way. The fact that you're concerned shows that you'll be a great dad. I'm glad you'll be there for the mom and baby.

Congratulations.

Camira B

I honestly think it would be better for the baby to grow up with it's natural parents. There is nothing that says unmarried people don't make good parents. Unfortunately that was a huge stigma back in the day and is still being spouted by some of the more ignorant people in the world. I guarantee you that your child will not care that you guys were not married, but he or she will care an be deeply affected knowing he or she was given up simply because of a stigma.

Wish I could be something

No one can have a perfect life. If you dont want to get married dont. Dont be irrational. All you and mother have to do is TAKE CARE OF the CHILD..love them....care for them..Simple as that...

alicia_midway

either way, a baby can grow up in a loving home, even if the parents are not together. just dont "bicker" and "argue" with each other, in front of the baby. if she decides to keep the baby, and you 2 dont get married, you two can still be civilized "friends" and still have the baby feel loved without regret. i have only heard this, but dont get married JUST BECAUSE of the baby.. the relationship does not last that way, unless both of you are in love with each other. good luck to you two! =-)

babygirl

life is life &its going to be this is your decision you'll do the right thing no not one child should be in a broken home i agree but does that mean you be with someone you dont want to marry & eventually cant take anymore & have to seperate ask yourself this do you want your child to see you & the mother grow to resent oneanother because you married for the wrong reason no i wouldn't give my chid up be a father & a damn good one but just because you & the mother is not married doesn't mean your child will be raised in a broken home she can get married&you can get married to other people you want to be married to & the baby will have double the pleasure live life dont let life live you !!!

Tan

children pick up on an know a lot more than anyone realises. I have 5 wonderful boys from my marriage an i dont regret for one min doin it on my own im much happier doin the best i can for them an loving them now that i am happy too an they r much happier knowing im happy. While in my marriage they wernt happy unless they were away from the house an i cant blame them for that. Dont ever fall into the trap of getting married because u feel it is the right thing to do cos then ur not being honest with yourself or fair on yourself an lets face it wouldnt u like to think your child is happy knowing ur happy even if u dont live with his or her mother. There is too much in life to experience than to just waste that time cos u can be a great parent even if u dont live together

onegrlme

OK lets be real here,You can raise a child with the mother and not be together. A child needs LOVE. It needs a person to play with him/her. It needs someone to answer all of the questions he/she has.If you and the mother get along 100% and decide to be partners in this childs life that is wonderful. but if this would be a OMG I have a child it will be to much for me,work,partying and life is more important then adoption should maybe considered.I had a child at 17 and I wouldnt change it at all.

Jennifer L

I was a teen mom in a crisis pregnancy, 15 years ago. My son's father and I did not get married right away. We wanted to make sure that if we did get married it was for the right reasons. We did get married about a year and a half later, and are celebrating our 14th anniversary next week.

But I completely agree, getting married just because a child is in the picture, is a bad idea. I know too many divorces that have happened that way.

If you remain in the picture and support your child and the child's mother, then nobody should call you a "POS". It's far better if you can keep a friendly relationship with the child's mother, than if there is a bitter divorce.

Single parents can be wonderful parents. So can adoptive parents. Single parents can be terrible parents. So can adoptive parents. There really are no guarantees.

But if you feel you want to parent this child, then I believe you should do so. There are many resources out there to assist you.

Good luck.

Becca

Who is to say that the adoptive parents would never get a divorce?
If the only reason you have for placing is so the child can be brought up in a 2 parent home then I say don't do it.
You sound like a good guy who plans on stepping up to the plate so don't sell yourself short..I think you could be a great dad. Who knows after the baby is born you might even find yourself feeling more for the mother than you had previously thought.
When my oldest was born I couldn't imagine ever being with his father. We will celebrate our 14 wedding anniversary next month, babies have a way of bringing people together. Even if the two of you never become a couple you can still be good parents and raise your child.

Mindi

Most people's concerns when it comes to "broken" homes as you said are the chances of the child being abused (not by you two but by future partners/lovers) The statistics ffor abuse are rising, especially for mothers dating with children as men tend to take advantage of their vunerable and emotional state. Just be careful I had a cousin taken by such a man and it is so hard. No one should have to live through that. However I do wish you two the best of luck. I chose adoption in my own case but everyone has their reasons for their choices and if people make rude comments just ignore it, its your life and your childs life not theirs. Nobody knows your own situation better than you!

dory

You're right - marriage should not be forced upon anyone. But isn't adoption really just forcing a child to fit into a family he or she doesn't really belong to? Is it okay just because the baby can't object?

Also, I'm wondering why you assume that the baby will grow up with married parents? People get divorced all the time - adoptive parents are not exempt from those statistics.

I can say that for myself, I would have rather grown up with my single mother and had two loving parents who were not married then growing up as I did - which was adopted. Being adopted has left me with a suffering in my heart that is larger then every other painful thing I have ever experienced combined.

ETA: Oh, and just in case nobody here has mentioned it already - open adoptions are not legally binding and the adoptive parents can slam the door shut at any time and you won't have a legal leg to stand on - your child will be gone from your life.

GEE-GEE

The answers you are looking for can only be decided between you and your girlfriend. But let me say this.... you don't have to be married in order to live together and raise a child. Even if you don't live together, if being in 2 different homes is what your child is born into, that is all they are ever going to know. It is worse if the baby lives with both parents, and then later has to split their time between 2 homes. I hope that makes sense. I guess what I am saying is that the baby is not going to know any different if you and your girlfriend share custody in different homes as long as that is the way it always will be.

sizesmith

A child can be loved by both natural parents better, if they are both ready to be parents, and can put arguments aside, and realize that getting along for the child's sake is the best thing for everyone. It takes a mature couple to raise a child when they are separated, however, it can be done. Always tell the baby that it wasn't his/her fault, that he/she is loved, and the truth throughout. Never use the child for leverage. Be prepared when the other parent dates other people, and has other people around the child. Just because you don't like her boyfriend is not an excuse, however, if you know he beat his ex-girlfriend, it is.

Also, there is a thing called a punitive father registry in most states, where you need to register as the father to the baby. A family court judge's office can tell you where you need to register. You'll have to help provide support for the child immediately, and if she chooses to place the child for adoption, you have the right to seek custody! Also, you'll have to register immediately because after a few days (depending on your state) you can wait too long, and not have any rights.

Dark_Fire_Angel

Wow this is a really tough situation your going threw. I to had an unplanned pregnancy and one of the first things the father told me was i'm not marry you lol. But i fully agreed with him we didnt love eachother enough for that kind of commitment 3 of my family members did that and all 3 got divorced. I have a beautiful toddler named Aria but she's not with me her father and I decided to place her into adoption. It was the hardest choice i had to make but i knew it was the right one i was not ready to be a parent and she deserved 2 parents which he couldnt be for her. But i have what is called open adoption. I see my daugther 2 times a month i have pictures and she knows exactly how i am and i got to pick her parents which are 2 of the grestest ppl i have the privilage of knowing. I do hope it does work out for you if you need any advice or just want someone to talk to please email me good luck to you and the mother of your baby and the baby.

Stars Mom

You have brought up many valid points I commend you for taking the time to think this through.

If you guys choose to not parent there are many families who would love to adopt. If you don't want to work with an agency there are families who post on the web most of them have a completed Homestudy which means they have been approved by the state that they live in. If you see or read about a family that intrestes you call them..or write them you may find a family that you really like.

I donâ€™t want to start a huge fight here however I do want to clarify somethingâ€¦some people make comments like "don't give your baby away".

Adoption does NOT have to be about â€œgiving your child awayâ€. Our daughters entire birth family is an extension of our family. They all spend as much or as little time as they want with â€œour daughterâ€. They have even thrown a birthday party for her we have had slumber parties together, we celebrate birthdays and holidays together.

I know that every situation is different however it is possible for all parties to unite and walk hand in hand so that the adopted child grows up to be strong and confident. Our daughter knows who her birth family is, she knows that she was not born of me and she is not confused. She is a very happy and secure child who is loved by many.

Our birthmothers sister got pregnant, married her babies father and things are not going well, lots of screaming fighting etc. His parents pay for everything little Sarah is only 3 months younger than our daughter she doesnâ€™t know her ABCâ€™s and canâ€™t count his family has lots of money but little Sarah has never traveled anywhere is not in dance or gymnastics and she spends most of her time in front of the TV and...she has a stay at home mom.

Our daughter has a two parent family who has been together for 15 years. I am a stay at home mom who nurtures her creative and social life. She been reading since age 4 and is doing math at age 5, she has a horse, goes to Broadway shows in New York 4 times a year, has traveled to the Bahamas, played in the Virgin Islands, has had snowball fights in Switzerland and sooo much more. The best part is she is adored by her parents. She is a true daddys girl.

Her birth grandmother writes us touching letters around her birthday stating that she knows that her grand daughter would probably had never become the sweet articulate, fun, loving person that she is had she stayed in their family. She is grateful that our families have blended and that we have all chosen to stand together all for the best interest of the little girl that we all love so much.

Everyoneâ€™s life experience is different; everyoneâ€™s adoption situation is different however I can say that not everyone thinks that adoption is â€œgiving a child awayâ€. I guess it boils down to perception and trust.

So many people are so â€œafraidâ€ of adoption that they really donâ€™t understand that open adoption can be a healthy experience for everyone involved. I can understand all the mixed feelings, the hurt, the anger and the feeling of being abandoned most of that occurs when an adopted child does not know their birth family or they have been lied to for most of their life. In a truly Open Adoption many of those thoughts and feelings are by passed because the child knows their birth family and everyone is open enough to share the truth so that questions get answered and resolved before those feelings ever become an issue.

Adoption is a very personal choice only you can decide what is best for you and your baby. This is your life and your journey there is no right or wrong answer itâ€™s all about what you, the babys mom and your baby need to become the best that you can both be.

Take care and trust your heartâ€¦feel free to send me a message.

Hugs,
Maria aka Stars Mom
Dreaming of baby number 2

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