We have two birth children that was placed for adoption and our family knows about one but not the other child

How do we tell our families about the second child that we had that we have placed for adoption. We don't want it to be a secret, but the first adoption hurt them emotionally very badly. The first one is an open adoption that is story book great the second one has not been so, much it is suppose to be an open adoption but the adoption agency that we used made bad ties, so the adoptive family has not had contact with us in over 1 1/2 years so our families will not be able to see him like they have been on the first one. How do we go about telling them with as little hurt feelings as possible since this child was born and placed 3 years ago??? please help
Additional Details
Part of the reason it is coming to the time to inform people is because we have a 7 year old son that we teach to not keep secrets and he also knows about the other child and loves knowing about her, The child he knows about also knows about our other adopted child so eventually it will come out and we are wanting to be proactive. Also I don't want to make that other child feel he was a dark bad secret if he ever wants contact, plus I just foundmy birth sister and I would have been more upset to not know about her than to know about her and have hope of meeting her one day

Possum

I don't have advice on the 'how' - but I think you're doing the right thing.
I found my first family only this last two years.
I was a secret to my siblings - and it's had a really bad effect on all of us.
Secrets and lies should be banished from adoption.
It causes so much pain for everyone involved.
The best things anyone can do for an adopted child - and their siblings - is to be open and honest about everything.
Your relatives may carry on about it 'hurting' them - but I'm positive you've been in more pain over relinquishing two children. Stand tall - you're doing the right thing. This is about the children - not about them.
My advice - tell them to get over themselves.
Good luck.

grapesgum

Please sit down with your partner and make a commitment to do what is best for your children. They had no choice about adoption so it is your responsibility to deal with the adoptions in a way that is best for them, including the child whom you have lost contact (someday you will reunite with that child so what you do now also affects him/her). Children hate secrets and lies. They want to know the truth (explained in a way that is appropriate for their age).

Just come out with the truth to the adults with a humble apology for misleading them. But also let the adults know that the feelings of your children come first and that they will take priority in your relationships.

I think that for the sake of ALL of your children, it is best to get everything out in the open as soon as possible.

And ... please ignore the ignorant rude comments here. They are nothing but a minor annoyance.

Torrejon

Maybe if you start by saying that you now realize that you made an important mistake...want to rectify the situation...it is hard, but the longer you wait, the harder it will be....and then just tell what happened. Ask for help from your family. I hope they surprise you with love and understanding.

Sarah C

I understand a little of where you are coming from. When I got pregnant with my son, I did not tell my father's family for fear that they would judge me. They had already done so when I had my daughter (of whom I parent) at 19 yrs old. With my son at 22 yrs old, my dad didn't even know I was pregnant until my sister called him while I was in the hospital - AFTER he was born. The family slowly found out and I don't think the reaction was a bad as I thought it would be.

Just tell them and explain that you weren't comfortable talking about it then but that you thought everyone should know. I am sure they will be understandable.

Take care and God bless!

Steve E

My cousin had a half-sister that was placed for adoption at birth that no one knew about until she was in her forties - she made contact with my cousin to find out some genetic risk information - she and her sister look so much alike it is eerie. My recomendation is to either come clean and tell everyone or if you really think the emotional turmoil would be so great, don't feel obligated to tell the family - if it truly stresses you not to tell, by all means tell them, but stand by for the emotional storm it sounds like you expect. Sometimes these kinds of things don't need to be told to all.

Diva In New York

why are you having kids and giving them up for adoption.is it on purpose?

tarasheridan

I understand how important it is for you to bring your 7 yr old up with good moral values, i.e. telling the truth and not keeping secrets. However, it sounds like revealing details about this child's adoption could cause more anguish rather than promote family harmony. The adoptive family seem to be keeping their distance and chances are, this will remain in your past. You can still raise your son with integrity and promote trust and honesty without causing upset to yourself and the rest of your family by bringing this up right now. I hope you reach a decision that causes the least amount of turmoil; least of all to you and your partner. Good luck

sam22254

Don't tell them why in the world would you want to hurt them. Yea you did it the 1st time and they got over it. But the second don't you know about birth control, they are even making the pill for men now. Stop this, Most children that are adopted want to know there birth parents be hurt what are you going to tell them sorry forgot the pill. And asnother thing why wouldn't your family know about it you don't see or talk to either other very much or they would have known what was going on in your life. Don't tell them it will only made you look bad in their eyes.

Doodlestuff

I guess it's your burden, not theirs. You've kept it from them for 3 years. Why do you NOW feel the need to unburden yourself with your choices?

air.mage

I think it is just best to forget all about it.

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