Were you and your spouse always on the same page about adoption?

Gaia Raain

Yeah, I can see how he'd be a bit leery about adoption when his aunt got a defective one. Those things ought to come with warranties.

Seriously. Do you understand how self-centered that statement is? Adoption is about finding homes for kids who need them, not finding kids for adults who want them. If your husband isn't interested in adoption, please don't ruin some poor kid's life by forcing them to live with a man who doesn't want them. It's hard enough to be an adoptee without that added stress.

aloha.girl59

If both of you aren't 100% for it, don't adopt. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but it would be a lot harsher for a child to grow up in a home knowing that his or her father feels he or she is a consolation prize.

opedial

You both have to be 100% in it. My husband was in it long before I was, just because I thought we maybe were not ready, but then we started our journey, and now have three wonderful children!

anastasia beaverhausen-the real1

i would never get married if the person didn't agree to NO ADOPTION.

Unknown....

You can have a child biologically that is retarded. You can carry a normal child and can end up with the umbilical cord wrapped around it and have a retarded baby. Bad things happen, are they fair, NO, but it's even more unfair for the baby. There are things you just can't tell early on. For instance, it's just about impossible to diagnose autism before the age of 3.
Anyways, to answer your question, my husband and I both have been on the same page about adoption since we started dating. My family fostered and his younger sister is adopted. Adoption is our first choice for creating a family. It's something you either are cool with or you aren't. The last thing you want to do is convince someone to adopt as the resentment will always be there under the surface. Kids can tell when they aren't wanted and it's complicated enough adopting a child with the issues already present of explaining where they came from and dealing with all of that.
How would he feel if you had your own child and the baby was retarded or seriously handicapped in some other way? My advice would be to just keep TTC rather then trying to talk him into adoption. Things never go perfectly, and some people only feel enough attachment to take care of their own biological child that ends up handicapped. Many won't even care for their own handicapped biological child or the foster care system wouldn't be absolutely full of them..

Kazi

Yes and no.

Yes, we were on the same page about adopting, however, we were in different places on when to actually start the process. I wanted to begin, however, my husband is much more of a planner and he wanted to "wait." But wait for what? I suppose it was the same when one person wanted to conceive, but the partner wanted to make more money and have a bigger house, etc.

Once we went to the info session (we adopted from China) and we met other adoptive families, well, that's all he needed to get onboard. He just need a visual reference. And when we decided to adopt again; I mentioned foster care, but because he didn't know anything about it, he was hesitant. Until, we went to a foster care exchange seminar, and again, that's all he needed.

If this is something you feel strongly about then I would encourage your husband to meet with other adoptive families so he can receive a first hand account of what it means to be adoptive parents. I understand his opinions may be tainted by his aunt's experience, however, the fact is, there are no guarantees with human beings: you can adopt a healthy child that later becomes sick, or you can give birth to a mentally challenged child. Or you are blessed with healthy children (adopted or bio).

Becoming a parent is a leap of faith.

If after time and research, he still does not feel comfortable about adopting, then do not force him as that will only breed resentment and will not be an ideal situation for a child that has already lost so much.

Good luck.

Serenity71

My and my husband were not on the same page in the beginning. I didn't put pressure on him to be open to adoption. it took two years before we even sent in the first application. He was the one who came home after visiting a friend who had just been placed with a child and said. "Darling, lets start the process...send in the application." He might need to see the positive side of adoption too.(Believe it or not there are happy adoptee's out there.) But don't force him to accept it, it will only drive a wedge into your relationship. He might just not be ready to take that step yet.

What ever you decide, all the best.

Gabrielle due May 1, 2009!!!

My husband and I were in an international adoption program. He was more on board than I was. I eventually gave in and we got the process rolling. It was a difficult process and we ended up getting out of it because of the stress and because of corruption. We lost a lot of money too. I think that if you're going to do this, you both do need to be on the same page and 100% sure you want to do this. Consider domestic adoption too. Just because one family had a bad experience, it doesn't mean you will. The process is a little stressful, but worth it when you bring the baby home. Good luck!

Curly Q

You know, it's tempting to tell you that you both should 100% be on the same page and you should try to change his mind because that sounds like the right advice to give. But, my husband was 100%, and I was 80% sure, about adoption. We adopted after a miscarriage, and thank God that man of mine was so sure that it was the right thing to do because it absolutely changed our lives, and there isn't a more loved child on earth. It was the best thing we ever did. So, I guess I'm telling you that I think it's worth seeing if he'll consider it. What helped me was meeting other couples who had adopted. They were all so happy, so seeing them made me want to adopt. As for the families difficult adoption experience, I'm not sure I'd worry about that too much. I'm curious if you've talked to the aunt and if she regretted the adoption. My guess is that she didn't and loved the child very much because he/she was hers. Most adoption agencies today are very good about medical disclosure. Good luck.

Indian-vision

No we weren't. But he never tried to force his opinion on me but just discussed it. I am not sure when this happened when my feelings started changing all by itself and i knew i could parent a child irrespective of where he/she came from. We went on to adopt 2 years ago.

I agree with other posters that biologically there is no guarantee one will have a perfect child. Will you stop loving and caring for them? Its terribly sad and disgusting when an adoptive or a biological parent decides to reject their child after discoverring he/she's not perfect.

Plz do not try and push your husband into adopting untill he readily and willingly feels it in his heart. I recently told my neighbours something similar. They were ready for adoption and in their close knit their parents do not have the right attitude towards adoption. I believe if you have a close relationship with your family you can't subject him to cruel comments from his grand parents. Its just plain cruel.

I wish you all the best and i hope you are blessed to experience parenting

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