What's best for my Granddaughter who I helped adopt out?

My bi-polar, drug addicted daughter simply could not take care of herself much less her 1 year old daughter "Angel". I was fortunate to be introduced to a wonderful Foster family who took Angel in so her Mom could get herself together but her Mom just dissappeared instead. After 5 years of court and social workers, the foster family was able to adopted her with my blessing. I have kept in close contact with my granddaughter in phone calls and weekend visits in my home and was assured this privledge would continue after adoption. I was uneasy when I learned that they changed her first, middle and (of coarse) last name. Between visits, Angel would be defiant towards her new parents while telling them "I want my Grandma". Her new Mom agreed to call me in these instances, so she wouldn't feel I abandoned her and that her behavior was unacceptable. The two years that have followed resulted in not one phone call from the MOM and every time I picked up or dropped Angel off, all I heard was how the Mom dreaded the couple days after our visits which always frustrated me in having to demand or even beg her to call me like she had agreed to do. She never ever did. 3 months ago they stopped answering their phone and wouldn't return my messages so I could talk to my granddaughter. I suspected they would try to phase me out of Angel's life and now there intentions were obvious. After a month of phone msgs, texts and e-mails I started showing up at their house unannounced, but unsuccessfull in catching them home. Yesterday I finally got a response from the Mom, telling me that I need to stay away from Angel, that my relationship with her is not in her best interest. In fact, I was informed that she has greatly improved her disposition during the last three months of my absence. The letter told me that they explained to Angel that they loved her very much and want to keep her safe so she won't be able to see Grandma for awhile. The letter ended by assuring me "she doesn't even ask for you anymore". I cannot express the terror and anquish I am going through right now. Angel is my soul, I can't bear this My question is ... what is best for my Angel? should I sacrifice and step back so she could live an ideal childhood with an otherwise perfect and loving family? or should I fight them tooth and nail by wedging myself back into her life so she won't feel abandoned by her birth Mother AND her Grandma but causing her more harm making her endure what her parents put both her and I through between visits? I wish I could rip my heart out of my chest, so it wouldn't hurt so very bad anymore.

Sofiakat

With my own son, I experienced the dreaded days after a visit with his mother. He would spend the first 24 hours after, acting out in some pretty big ways, such as trying to poke out my eyeballs, strangle me, rub poop all over himself and the walls. Now that is pretty extreme of course, but visits do have an effect on a child. Looking back, can see that the majority of my son's behaviour after visits were because he was seriously grieving the fact that he could not be with his mother full time. It was very sad. As a child, the only way he knew how to express this pain was to act it out.
I am going to assume that your granddaughter is probably having the same reaction. Kids are smart. They know who they want to be with and where they belong. From everything you have described it truly sounds like she is grieving the loss of you in her everyday life. Instead of shutting you out, which in the long run will hurt the child, they should be helping her deal with her feelings of frustration, grief and sadness. These are skills she will need as an adoptee all her life.
Of course by blocking you out her behaviour gets better because the pain is not triggered by seeing you. HOWEVER, they are fools to believe that the pain is gone just because the behaviour is! It is there. Hidden until something triggers it.
I would start doing a lot of research and ask to sit down with the Aps and share it with them. Hopefully they will come to see that what they are doing is only going to hurt their new daughter in the long run.
By the way, it is my opinion that she does not ask for you anymore because kids are smart and they know when adults are very uncomfortable with a situation such as asking for grandma. If they are not allowing her to have an open dialogue about her adoption, her mother, and you, then they are telling her in unspoken words that it is NOT okay to talk about Grandma or mom.

As an Ap from foster care myself, I cannot defend what they are doing to you or your granddaughter. I can tell you that sometimes it does hurt, because I am human, when there is nothing I can do to comfort my son, because he does not want me, he wants his mother. It can be frustrating and painful, but as the adult, I know that the best interest of my child is to NOT erase his heritage, not erase his family, not erase, essentially, him.
Hopefully the people who adopted your granddaughter will be able to look past their own insecurities, inabilities, and pain to do what is best.
Good luck

cantstopLinnyG

Yes. Yes, you SHOULD fight them tooth and nail. It is NOT easier on Angel, it's easier on them...because she wants her Grandma, and it's killing them. But, unfortunately, they seem to be selfish and no want what's best for that child.

I would say to contact the social worker and let them know that this abuse is going on. And yes...it IS abuse.

I cannot believe they changed that baby's name. Its disgusting, but not unusual.

Unfortunately, this will probably be another example where an open adoption is not an open adoption, and it will not be legally enforced.

Keep trying, Grandma Jenn- Angel will know you did.
Oh, and BTW- Im sure she DOES ask for you, but they'll be dammmed before they tell anyone else that.

Serenity71

Theres two sides to this-

I was having coffee today with a friend who's son is only just starting school. They had a meeting planned with his Bmother but it had to be canceled because of his reactions leading up to it. He became withdrawn and nervous at everything. When his amother finally got it out of him what was wrong she discovered he was scared to go and see her because he felt she would take him away from his mum and dad. He became more terrified as the days came closer and she did cancel it in his best interests. She wants the meeting to happen, but when he feels more secure and she's had time to work with him so his fears aren't causing him nightmares. She's not the only Aparent in an open adoption that has been confronted with that at around 3 1/2- 5 yrs old. Terrified a bparent will come for them during the night and take them away.

Its not that a lot of the Aparents want Birth families out of their kids lives. Open adoption can be very overwhelming for a little kid. We have to put the kids feelings and reactions first in all of this.

I think there is some kind lacking in communication between you though, you need more information from them that's for sure.

Have you done any reading at all on open adoption and what kids often go through in stages during their life as an adoptee? Because open adoption has changed a few things. I can see it already in talking to Aparents who have children older than mine. Kids handle stress differently from adults, it comes out often days later from visits.

Instead of being confronting about it change your approach with the family. Ask his mother about her reactions after the visits. Try and put aside your feeling for a moment and see it from a childs prospective.

What do kids often fear the most? Especially a small child trying to understand how everyone fits into their life. The all of a sudden they start to realize they didn't come from mum's tummy like other kids came from their mum's tummy. All those things to try and sort through their little minds and they aren't even five yet. They're still learning how to talk and do basic things in life.

If you find that some of those things are present then my suggestion is that you talk to them about a time frame to keep a distance.

(And ask her for more details on why she feels its in her best interests. but again don't be angry or confronting about it. Show you're concerned and want to put the focus on your granddaughters feelings and well being, its not about either of you.)
And ask them to please send you updates and pictures. If you show the family some respect instead of insecurity and fear and lawyers your relationship is likely to improve and so it will with your grandchild.

Also if they need space ask to have a third party act for you in the mean time to keep in touch. All of this will help you maintain a longer term relationship.

I know how I'd feel if my kids were distressed after many visits. And kids often won't show it to just anyone. Angel will come round I'm sure, she just needs the security of her mum and dad too. Try to look it as a season in her life not forever.

I'm sure your a very loving grandma, and every child needs one...

All the best!

Enter Your Message or Comment

User Name:
User Email:
Post a comment: