What's worse? Being adopted into a life of neglect and abuse or staying with your loving bio family?

cantstopLinnyG

Being adopted may be the most wonderful thing on earth to some people, but not to me.

While my a parents love me, my a dad was an alcoholic until I was 30 years old. The things he did to us when we were kids would be considered child abuse. He and my a Mom were separated off and on my entire life.

I am the PERFECT example of how adoption does not guarantee a child a better life, only a different life.

Education was NOT a priority in my a family.
All of my n sibs have graduate degrees, and our n parents were not alcoholics. My genetic traits were not encouraged within my a family.

For me, it was worse to be adopted...as much as that hurts me to say, because I DO love my a parents. But it was NOT in my best interests.

My n Mother was coerced by society and Catholic Charities- even tried to get me back a few weeks after I was born.

I dont play the victim card, nor do I want people to feel sorry for me. I am a strong woman who has a great career, wonderful kids, and I accept these facts. But will NEVER be silent about how I feel about adoption. Adoption will always be necessary for kids who are abused or have no family members to raise them...but adoption DOES affect everyone, and not always in a good way.

IDK!!

IF those are the only 2 options, then being raised but loving natural parents.

" 'They' say ALL adoption is SOOOO wonderful and rainbows" And " 'They' say ALL adoption is SOOOO awful, and not necessary"

Yeah, yeah, no ones says either.

Some adoption ARE for the better, Some adoptions ARE unnecessary.
Some parents ARE talked in to placing and some ARE talking into parenting.

Kids should be with people who can take care of them (even if assistance is needed to do so), and it should be first with the natural family.

An abusive home is never better.

Desirae

I think that it would be better for the child to stay with his/her biological mother. It would be more healthy for the child.

Crazed#1FOBfan

I always think staying with your bio parents cause you never know if the parents you give you kids away to will secretly abuse them even though they act so nice in your face.

sizesmith

No child deserves to be raised by anyone who neglects or abuses them. Every child on earth deserves better, whether they're bio or adopted.

cathy b

I disagree, my children were offered more than I could do at 18 and they are great people.

sam1312

I have been a foster parent for over 20 abused children, and I have also adopted a child. Each situation has to be viewed indivdually. All of our foster childred that were abused were in homes with their bio-parents. And our adopted child is one of the best things that have happened to us. He is now an adult and doing very well.

Philippa

My son's life has been financially better because he was adopted as his adoptive dad was earning a lot more than me but that's as far as it goes. Emotionally it probably would have been about equal so with that in mind he would have been better with me then neither of us would have had adoption issues.

When I read about kids who are worse off because they were adopted and abused by their adoptive parents it angers and saddens me. People are very quick to condemn parents who abuse their children but go quiet when it's adoptive parents.

Angela R

Being raised in a loving home is ALWAYS preferable to being raised in an abusive, neglectful home, reguardless if that home is with biological family or an adoptive family.

When people say that adoption is wonderful, I'm sure that is based on their possitive experience, and not a terrible experience that your daughter had. I don't think anyone would honestly suggest that children being taken fron a loving, stable home, and put into a knowingly abusive one is the best thing to do.

snowwillow20

My bdaughter was molested by a family "friend". She would have been better off with me.

Jennifer L

My response is pretty much the same to the other question in this vein. Though PAPs are heavily screened, there's no guarantee that a few bad apples can't slip through the cracks.

I don't think that a pregnant woman needs to be convinced of anything by people around her, whether that is to parent her child, have an abortion or place for adoption.

I'm very sorry that your child was abused by her adoptive parents.

blairnative

heather sweetie, thats a loaded question, and i am saddened to see you type it. you arent answering a question here, you are just trolling.

i know you are better than that :)

Nikki

being with ur real parents

Unknown

the first one

guardgirl44

I think that the bio family or mother is always the best for the child IF they are able to take good care of their child but if nor then they should put their child up for adoption, even though adoption is sad and it is very hard for parents to give up their children, it COULD be better for the child and give it a chance at a good life, and there are woman out there how would do anything to have a child and when they adopt these children they are loved and cared for, but adoption should always be because they care for the child and want better for it, and parents that give up children should think before they give up their children but their are cases when the parents have no choice.

And even though adoption can be a great thing for the family and the child it could be very terrible and hard for the child. when they are adopted by cruel, nasty, and abusive families, and it is sad that families like that get to have children and the mothers who really want children cant have children.

Children always do best with their bio families but if times are bad or if the parent is abusive they should get rid of the child so it will have a chance, maybe not a promising chance, but still a chance for a better life.

AdoreHim

IF the adoptive family would abuse the child, of course it would be better for the child to stay with the bio family. I am SO sorry that your baby was abused by the adopted family- I pray that they were persecuted to the full extent of the law. However, it seems to me that if you had believed in abortion AT THE TIME- you would have aborted that child. That is abuse as well. My husband was raised in his bio family that abused him. It happens across the board- unfortunately. Where is your daughter now? Hopefully FAR AWAY from those horrible people.
That said, please don't say that adoption is bad across the board, just because your daughter had a horrible experience. There are adopted children that actually have had a good life-
This is not negating that your daughter was horribly mistreated.

LJacks

Good question. For the most part- adoption is wonderful. There are tons of families out there who long for a child to love and provide them with loving homes. At the same time- sadly there are those people who adopt for the wrong reasons.

As far as the birthmothers side of this- I don't think that because a girl is young, or financially unstable that she is going to be a bad mother. Lord knows if all of us were given away because our mothers were young or not financially stable that most of us would have been put up for adoption! I think that when there is neglect of other children, or extremely unhealthy or dangerous lifestyles with the birthmother that she shows no remorse or intent to change, then she should consider adoption.
To answer your question- it is of course better to stay with a loving family. But remember, that your encounter with adoption was not the norm. I am so sorry to hear that you had such a bad experience with it, and hopefully the child is out of that situation.

confidentgal

Realmom, what kind of adoptive home study was done on the adoptive parents? I'm a former CPS social worker and the agency I worked for required intensive home studies to make sure the families who would be adopting the children we had in foster care would be safe, stable, loving families.
Too sadly, some "bad" families slide through the process and agencies find out too late once the damage has been done.
My thoughts are that you and your parents should have investigated the agency planing your child before s/he was placed and adopted to ensure they are able to handle the high degree of responsibility for finding adoptive homes.

Jashebe

In most cases, they turn out great. I know several families who have adopted, and you can't convince the parents that they didn't birth them. They love them the same as any other children they have.

In most cases, a mother who cannot support a child should give the child to someone who can.

My question is why didn't Social Services step in and remove the child from their care?

Edit: If you look at Hallie's questions, you'll realize she just doesn't like being disciplined.

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AvUDXsTdkOvW8fjS6mqern3sy6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20090405130350AAweEhS&show=7#profile-info-uNbKY56Laa

LaraSue

My take is that your experience is not every ones experience.
And that your question is kind of asinine.

Independ"ant"

I can believe people pass those 10cent homestudy's.

Children that are sold into adoption and shipped to different countries deserve better "aparents" then those that have to live with their sister to be able to afford Walmart shopping trips. That's not financial stable.

I think she asks such juvenile and ignorant questions out of guilt.
The chance her achild was kidnapped from his natural mother or the natural mother was raped just to produce a child to be sold to her is pretty high. She feels it but can't allow herself to acknowledge the reality of what she contributed to.

durdenslabs

To answer your question - if the bio family can support the child, give the child a good home, feed, clothe, educate, not abusive/alcoholic, etc AND love the child - then yes, stay with bio family.
If they can't, then no...love doesn't guarantee happiness or a good situation for a child. An abusive b mom can still "love" her child. Doesn't mean the child should stay with her though.

My first thought is that if you had such an open adoption, where you knew what was going on, why didn't you intervene? Or is it possible that your version of "abuse" wasn't near as bad as what you did to the child for her to be adopted in the first place? If you didn't abuse your child, or yourself, why did you let her go?

Being adopted is a wonderful thing if you come from an abusive, neglectful home...if your parents can't take care of you...if both have died...or if they are in jail...or if you are mentally/physically/emotionally disabled and they don't/can't care for you. Being adopted, in most cases, is a God send to the children in foster care!
Agencies and foreign countries are known to "talk people into" giving their baby up. That's one reason I am only going through the foster system. These kids were taken for legitimately concerning reasons and, if the parents can't straighten out, they'll be legally free for adoption. The goal of dss is to get kids back with their bio parents if possible. Only after that doesn't work do they resort to foster care or adoption.

I don't see people (on here) swaying anyone into giving up their children. Especially not if the mother can keep them. If someone really wants to parent and CAN parent then they should keep the child. Just because you "want to" doesn't mean you should though!

Italy

That's a tough question. It depends on so many things. Can bio mother take of baby? Does she have a place to live people that help is the bio father going to help? The age of the mother makes a difference. Is she a young teen? If her parents want to help that's great but what about her young life it's over being a care free teen. If you choose to have someone adopt I would make sure you could have a somewhat open adoption so that you would be able to know what was going on in the child's life.

CathRun

Hmm...my thoughts.
A question to your question:
What's worse? Staying with your bio family for a life of neglect and abuse or being adopted into a loving family?
I don't believe you can "coerce" someone into giving up their child. I think they choose to do it. Some of them then later regret it and blame the adoptive family. The rest of the birth moms who realize they made the best choice remain true to their ideals and are very giving human beings.
EDIT: 95% of adoptees require no counseling for adoption issues. Interesting though how those other 5% insist on perpetrating their negativity on the rest, isn't it? I have to laugh when I see the thumbs down on my answers. They insist that only their unhappiness acknowledged. It just seems like they don't care about the joy of others.

Enter Your Message or Comment

User Name:
User Email:
Post a comment: