What are backlashes adoptive parents should anticipate?

wanna come snowboarding?

it might happen but you have to deal with those issues as they rise. its difficult being the parent period, regardless if the child is adopted or ur biological. being firm with the child and letting them understand that bad behavior is not tolerated while also letting them understand that they are loved unconditionally is key. i guess being involved in ur child will naturally give you insight on were they are in their development and how to react specifically to any retorts....but if u are an absent parent..that can lead them to be further away from you and more likely to rebel against you since they will resent you for not being their for them....

if retorts do happen you can't show them that you are hurt or affected by it, you have to dismiss it as child talk and correct their behavior...kids can sense if it bothers you, and if it bothers you it will affect them.

Linny G

I said all those things and more. I adored my a Mom, but I was hurting, as many adoptees do. Adoptees can act out, as way way "to test" our a parents. As in, "Im going to see how far I can push you before YOU leave, too. Not only do we do tht to our parents, we many times sabotage a lot of relationships. We are afraid of being rejected or left again, and make the choice to leave first.

Here are some great books about adoption:

Books:
The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier
Lost and Found: the Adoption Experience AND
Journey of the Adopted Self: A Quest for Wholeness both by Betty Jean Lifton
The Adopted break Silence by Jean Paton
The Girls Who Went Away by Ann Fessler
Adoption: Uncharted Waters,by David Kirschner
Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search for Self by David Brodzinsky
thanks to Sunny & Possum for these links

Heather B

I never said anything like that to my adoptive parents, ever. I was too busy being good, good, good and bending over backwards to please for fear of rejection from another set of parents.

Some adoptees are the polar opposite of my compliant traits; they will act out to test their parents' love, to push the boundaries. Parents just need to see where this is coming from and know it is a way for the child to test that he/she is not going to be rejected again no matter how hard they push and test.

Opedial

These backlashes are the same as a bio child saying I hate you. When my children first moved in, my eldest said he was going to run away to find his old mom. I explained that he could not and that she was not able to parent him. He would then throw things at me, and so the day would begin. I did not begrudge him his feelings, and he had to work through so much pain (was not in a good foster home either, and was separated from his siblings who were in a great home and now all of us were living together).

I don't consider his behaviour backlash but processing his feelings, and of course he is going to take it out on me because I am the new mom. We keep adoption an open subject when the children want to talk about it. The topic actually comes up at dinner time, when we have made something that the child doesn't like. Then my eldest may remind me that his old mom (his term, I use first mom) doesn't make him eat bad food. (in fact mom rarely fed them...not a dig...just reality) My son has a fantasy of who his mother is. When my youngest was discussing first mom, she said "I know she is sick and when I am older I can see her again and then have two moms", but my eldest says "no she is at the North Pole helping Santa.". So they all have different coping mechanisms and we have to let them come to us at their own time.

But back to your question..don't you remember a time when you said something to your parents that you regretted? When my children say something like that , I remember the I hate you's and the F U's I said to my parents, and it falls off me, because I can process my feelings later, but my children's are most important to me now.

kateiskate

Linny G is right. I said a lot of hurtful things to my amom even though I loved her dearly because I was so afraid of being abandoned that I would rather her leave me because I did something mean or hurtful than for a reason unknown to me. It was better to me to push her away before she could decide to leave on her own. The thing about parenting is, you never know what is in store for you and you never know how kids will react because all kids are different.
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sizesmith

All children have a point in their lives of rebellion, wishing they had different parents, having a child throw it into their face that they wish they'd be born to someone else.

For adopted children, the reality of them saying that takes on a whole new meaning, and it's a little closer to the heart when they say something like that.

As a parent, unconditional love, even when words like that are said, is of the utmost importance. A parent who is secure about their own self, and the fact that in every way they've done the best they could, shouldn't have to be "jealous" of the first parents. They just have issues to deal with when words of hate are issued. In the same way, I was angry at my parents for having me (naturally) becase they knew diabetes ran in my family and they had me anyway. The words were hateful, and luckily, my frame of mind, my maturity level, and forgiveness were part of the package of parenting I received. Although different, losses could be considered very similar. Any parent can experience something in different levels from their children, natural or adopted, however, each child's levels of showing it are different, and each parent's acceptance of this is different. Our differences are what makes the world go around, and seems like it can stop all in one instance.

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