What are your feelings on showing anger towards an adoptee...?

Kassy

I'm feeling like there's a prehistory to this question that I don't know?

I think people showing anger at someone for the reasons you mention is nothing but spite. That kind of person is so wrapped up in themselves that they can't/aren't interested in understanding anyone else's point of view, but is more than willing to judge it. Not worth worrying about really.

Kazi

I'm not sure I understand the question, so if I'm off base don't shoot me.

But...

#1:
"What are your feelings on showing anger towards an adoptee because they were abused and wished not to suffer that abuse anymore?"

Why would someone be angry with someone who was abused? What would anyone have against someone who didn't want to be abused at all.

#2:
"What about showing anger towards them because they wished to be adopted into a loving family rather than legally 'belong' to an abusive bio one?"

Again, why would any compassionate person believe that a child should remain in an abusive family simply because they share blood? I can understand why a child would want to be adopted into a loving family.

Why would anyone be angry at someone who suffered abuse? If they do, then they are a complete waste of space.

Not Adopted

You are deliberately conflating adoption from foster care (where TPR and adoption occurs for safety reasons) with domestic infant adoption. These are two completely different situations and should not be compared.

Most of the adoptees and mothers are this board are of the domestic infant variety (although international adoptees are well represented here, as well - with yet another set of unique issues to be considered).

Domestic infant adoptions occur primarily because the mother is told she is too young, the father abandons her, her family threatens to toss her out of the house, social workers and doctors coerce, agencies promise (lie) about open adoption....etc. None of these situations has anything to do with abuse! If someone is expressing anger it is probably because you are implying that all mothers abused their babies and that is why they were adopted into another family. Simply untrue for the mothers on the board.

There are a few posters who visit this board who have experience in the foster care system and have their own perspectives on foster care and adoption.

sunny

You said:

What about showing anger towards them because they wished to be adopted into a loving family rather than legally 'belong' to an abusive bio one?

So is it okay to be adopted by abusive adopters to wish you'd been allowed to grow up in your loving natural family? Cause that's the box I'd check.

kateiskate

I think maybe people have missed the point of your question because it doesn't make sense. "What are your feelings on showing anger towards an adoptee because they were abused and wished not to suffer that abuse anymore?" Um, i only show anger towards people (not adoptees specifically) if they piss me off. I wouldnt be angry with someone because they were abused, not abused, adopted, or not adopted.

What makes me angry is people belittling those who have been adopted by abusers. I think it is cowardly and wrong to come out and attack those who have been victimized by their adoptive parents just as it is wrong to attack those who were abused by their biological parents.

Flying Monkey #073177

... WTF?

What about showing anger toward adoptees who show anger at their adoption? YOU obviously have more of a problem with that than anyone here does with the insane questions you are asking.

Daisey Duck

No one should have to be raised by abusive parents bio or adopted. And if someone can't understand your feelings towards abusive parents then they probably have never been abused or don't understand the scars abuse leaves.. Thankfully my bio's never abused me. But my first set of adoptive parents did, and I am so thankful that someone stepped in and reported it and me and one of my brothers were given back to the courts by them. I'm glad we were able to get out of that situation cause who knows how much worse it probably would have gotten. I'm also glad that I was readopted by parents who were able to deal with the problems the 1st adoption caused.

edit
The anger on here towards others. I think that some will always think that all adoptions are unethical no matter how they were done especially with babies, and think that it is in some way the adoptive parents fault. They are blamed for wanting a family when they can't have their own. . It doesn't seem to matter if they have bio children of their own or can't have children. I really think that some aren't as mad at ap's an pap's as it appears more with the system, but the way they word their responses comes across as attacking them.

rachael

i have been gone from this site for a while, so i guess im out of the loop. but i just wanted to say that i know many many posters here and lots of them know that i am also a very happy adoptee.
my adoption was wonderful, my bio and adoptive family are fantastic. i dont hide the fact that i am comfortable and happy with my life.

and i have to also admit that no one has ever attacked me for that. ever.

my only suggestion is maybe you are asking for understanding but you are unwilling or even unable to show it to others. i have no idea, as i said, i have been off the board for quite some time. just my take on things.

as for your question, i cant believe anyone would actually be angry at you for not wanting to be abused any more. or for being thankful for escaping it. my best guess is that there has been a big misunderstanding and no one wants to take a few minutes to hear the other side and actually make an effort to learn.

again--just my opinion

Robin

As an adoptee who was abused by my adoptive mother, was it wrong that I felt anger toward her because I was abused by her physically & emotionally and wished not to suffer anymore? Is that your question?

Or are you asking if it's ok that some people show anger at me for telling about being abused by my adoptive parents? Or was it wrong that I wanted to go to different family at one point during my life to get away from the abuse? That I no longer wanted to legally 'belong' to an abusive adopted one?

Or should some people be angry b/c according to court records there were no allegations of abuse or neglect by my 1st mom. Because she was a alone (separated) & a poor, working, single mom before public assistance was available, she lost custody of me to foster care. My foster parents adopted me.

I'm not sure I understand the point of your question. To make it appear that all adopters are rescuers? That all adoptees should be grateful? That adoptees with happy endings invalidate adoptions with less than happy endings?

NaturalMom

Pehaps if your question was clearer your answers would be more on target. People are confused by the anger your questions thinly disguise, and the responses are in kind.

I don't think that people are angry at the child who would have rather been adopted than abused, but at the woman who keeps asking these questions designed to incite. There are always exceptions that prove the rule to everything. Perhaps you are the exception to the bitter angry adoptee....or not?

Crucio

I assume you are saying other people feeling anger at someone who is adopted who was adopted because their biological parents was abusive towards them. The adoptee is happy that they were taken out of this abusive situation and adopted into a non abusive home. I donâ€™t see how anyone would be angry at anyone who is thankfully that they got out of an abusive environment and into a better home. Someone who would show anger at someone in this situation I really donâ€™t know what to say because again I donâ€™t see how anyone would show anger for that person. Anger towards who ever abused the person yes but not for the abusive for being happy that they got out of that environment.

Child abusive is unacceptable regardless of who committees the abuse biological parent or an adoptive parent. Abuse in any form is unacceptable (i.e. spousal, animal )

DaisynSam

I am an adoptive parent and I treat my daughter as if she were my own. If she does something wrong or something that warrants and angry reaction, that is what she gets. One can be angry and not be abusive. Adoptive children need the same structure as any child and by letting them get away with things you will not be doing them a favor in the long run. Even if I show anger to my daughter because she misbehaved, I explain the reason for my anger and explain that she is loved but that I need to teach her correct behavior or I am not being a good parent.

Opedial

I am not sure I have the point of the question. Are you asking if I show anger to my children?

My children did suffer abuse and neglect, and yes I show anger to them. I show them how to process emotions, and it is okay to get angry. Do I yell, well the odd time I have (throwing knives is just not okay), but mostly try to role model healthy emotions so they can process their own emotions. They have been taught to hit when angry, so we are teaching them other ways.

I have seen people who are too soft on their adopted children because of the previous abuse, and that only leads to children who are able to manipulate their parents!

Now that I have read the other questions, I don't know if this is what you meant or not.

Katyy

Showing anger towards an adoptee is just betchy. They have been through too much, like staying in the adoption agency, parents ditching, and coming in to a totally different family. That's what I think. :]

-Katy

durdenslabs

I think the ones that are angry don't understand why you'd rather have been adopted (into a loving family). If they knew you were abused by bio parents then they should understand. If they still don't, then I'd say they have no empathy towards others.

If you thought your parents weren't "that bad" and you wanted to stay with them, but social services thought you shouldn't then you have a right to be upset - not the people questioning you about it. Perhaps you could have stayed with bio parents and been o.k.....but perhaps not. That's why other people have to step in on behalf of the child and do what they think is best.

Lola

wHy ArE yOu So AnGrY? eYe LoVe YoU. nEeD tO tAlK?

Nikk

if youre asking if its alright to be mad at someone for calling in on their abusive parents and putting themselves in an adoption agency, that is definetly not ok. they are putting horrible parents away, and taking care of themselves, and giving themselves a family that cares. which will help them to grow up as better, more secure people, and the world will have one less drugee or abusive parent or criminal.
i take it you might be mad at somebody who is being fostered into your family?

Adoptionissadnsick

How do you know your bio parents were abusive.

Were you the firstborn? Are you judging their lives after they lived with the loss of you?

I'm Sober

are you for real? there angry because they were stolen from their REAL parents. wouldn't you be angry too.

Jenna's Mommy

1. It depends on the situation just because your adopted doesn't mean you shouldn't get in trouble when it's coming to you and you fully deserve it but at the same time (like non-adopted kids) there's no sense in useless anger

2. If I understand the question everyone hates their own family at one point or another whats the point of getting a new one, It's a childish request

3. If the kid deserves it all power to them, it's called parenting if there's no point behind it they need to get help

Enter Your Message or Comment

User Name:
User Email:
Post a comment: