What are your thoughts on closed adoptions?

Possum

The only interests closed adoption serves - is that of the adoptive parents and that of the bio parents. (ie the adults)
It does not serve the best interests of the child.

A child needs to know - personally - who they look like - who they act like - what talents they may be leaning towards - where they came from.
They need to get this from personal contact - not just pictures and words on paper.
ANY adult that thinks that closed adoption is good for a child - is only thinking of themselves.
Closed adoption is cruel, selfish and harmful to the adoptive child.
I've lived it for 38 years.
I've lived a life of pain. (as have 100's of other adoptees I know that have lived closed adoptions)

Most parents would not intentionally WANT to cause a their child PAIN - so WHY would prospective adoptive parents and prospective relinquishing parents WANT TO CAUSE A CHILD PAIN??????

I had a great adoptive family - but my truth was always hidden from me (I knew I was adopted - but wasn't allowed to know about my adoption etc) - as that is what was done at that time (the 60's).
What is BEST for children - for their self worth, self identity and self esteem (and generally for best metal health) - is for their to be completely open adoptions.
(as long as no physical harm is present)

Any parent (both adoptive and bio) that thinks that it will all be too hard for themselves - should seriously NOT adopt / should NOT give their children up for adoption

To do so would be to make themselves feel better - rather than do what's best for the child.

Message to prospective adoptive parents - if you can't allow for an open adoption - don't adopt.

Message to those thinking of relinquishing their child - if you can't allow for an open adoption - do NOT give your child away.

Freckle Face

I hate closed adoptions.

Obviously against them. (rare exception being abuse &/or drug/alcohol abuse)

Why? If you are putting the children's needs first then open adoption is the best thing. No secrets and No lies. There is an undeniable bond between child and first family. They need to know each other. Open adoption is a great way to establish a strong foundation of self for your child. That is pricelesss.

Eta: Adoptive parents must get over their insecurities for thier child's sake. If the First Mother chose you as her child's parents, why would you be nervous. They obviously believed in you enough to entrust you with the most important thing in the world to them, their child. I know conversations can be difficult. I know i always worry i'm going to say something ignorant. But it is more fear based not reality based, there is a big difference between the two.

scweetci_87bc

Against it!(With a few exceptions) My sibs and I all are adults now, and in a world of hurt cuz we don't know who we are. We all cling to the "truthes" about ourselves like we were dangling from them. We all desperately want to be able to define ourselves by something other than variables. My sister isn't always going to be a college student. My brother wont always be able to be a sport player. We cling to ideas like what our favorite colors are etc and surround ourselves in it and we will be hurting when that idea is no longer stable. Things like names and birth certificates and genetics, those are all real things that will never ever change.

My definition of a closed adoption is you know nothing. I feel that this is only acceptable if the child is in immediate danger if s/he knows the information. Otherwise it should be open. Adoptees should atleast know their birth parents names. Even if its not open enough for the child to actually meet their birth parents, knowing a name can do so so much.

Also do you know how much anxiety closed adoption kids have over dating? I have never once been able to have a decent relationship without worrying that they are my cousin or something. While chances of that are rare, there is still a chance.

lahdh4

Against it.
It does not help anyone except for the adoptive parents who are then able to lie and not tell the child that they were adopted.
It just leads to alot of hurt and anger that does not need to happen

Warrior Mom

I am for open adoptions. An open adoption can mean a broad range of things. It doesn't mean you share custody. It doesn't mean the b-parents retain the right to come and go in the child's life as they please. It simply means that there are going to be some guidelines set up so that the child can benefit from knowing where they came from. It means that there won't be this dark empty hole missing is their "self" that can only be filled by knowing about thier heredtiy. In ideal situations, it could be compared to families where parents have divorced and there are now step parents to deal with. In some cases there has been abuse or neglect; exposure to drugs/alcohol, etc.... In these situations, the visits would have to be supervised. The thing is these adopted children FEEL adopted. NOTHING we do can make that feeling go a way. It's kind of like having a dead elephant in the living room, that nobody is willing to talk about. If noone talks about it, maybe it really isn't there, or maybe it will go away. Adoption doesn't go away. The issues are real,and they have to be dealt with in healthy ways. Open adoption can help with that.

Rebecca M

I hate it!!!!!!! They serve no purpose other than hurting the child involved with the premise of "protecting the child". What a closed adoption early thought was to protect the adopted family from people knowing that they adopted. Private adopting is only to protect the adopting parents.

holy molar :)

Against it. I think open adoption is much better for not only the child but the birthmother as well. How many birthmothers fifty years ago wished they could have seen pictures of their baby growing up? Or seen the adoptive parents, got their names, got letters? I'm sure many do. Open adoption is less secretive. I'm sure many birthmoms probably think it's eaiser to deal with having a closed adoption, and that seeing pictures of their baby would make it more difficult...but what about that child? That child will grow up and want to know what his/her bmom looked like, why she chose adoption, what she did with her life.

rainy_n_jay

I am a child of a closed adoption, i think it is out-dated and out of touch, my parents always told me i wasn't adopted and made up little story's about my delivery! i grew up believing i was nuts for wondering about me being adopted when all my trusted adults denied that i was, however i still had this gut feeling i was different from my siblings anyway time marched on n i was medicated with anti-depressants and anti anxiety medications, when i was 29 i asked my parents yet again and this time to my mums horror my dad blurted out with yes you are adopted!!!! well to cut a long story short i went into shut down emotionally ( not good with 3 children under 6) my marriage fell apart because nobody seemed to understand my pain, not from being adopted but of being lied too... i did meet my bio mum and that didn't work out well at all but as we all know honesty is the best policy...... Open adoptions work closed ones don't

Silverbyheart

I'm against it. The reason being is that the adoptive parents of that child will most likely not tell him or her that they were adopted. The child will mostly likly find out and wonder why they didn't tell them. This will make them feel like they did something wrong or wonder why their parents had to lie to them. Now that the whole parent child trust is broken the child will begin to wonder what else they lied to them about.

Torrejon

My adoption was completely closed. It left me to deal with many unanswerable questions throughout my life. It discriminated against me in that I was unable to get access to my original birth certificate like every non-adopted citizen can. It removed the possibility of knowing my extended bfamily as well. I am totally against closed adoption.

tish

mostly against it...expect in cases of abuse or neglect.

and, i must comment on dancer25's comment... whoa! anyone who feels that it's necessary to close an adoption, pretent the child had no other parents, or considers the f-parents "not related" is beyond delusional..

so, what will you tell this child when he or she wonders about the birth story? let me give some suggestions:

"oh little jimmy, the stork brought you us", "we found you in the cabbage patch"...

i'm sorry, but closed adoption in cases where there is no abuse or neglect usually benefits those who want to live on fantasy island, and pretent they are the only people responsible for this child's existance.

closed adoptions are played out like the 8-track.

kenotbgood1968

i am against it,nothing should be closed,when it comes to adoption.their should not be this option,for any parent,they lost this option,when they gave their child up.i came from a decent home,too.i have met many adopted people,that do not know anything,because of this weak law!

noreenandjohn01

My son's birthmother decided that she did not want ongoing contact with us - so for that reason I consider it closed.

That said - my son will know he is adopted (we tell him now but he's only 19 months old). I have his hospital records from his first 13 days of life and tons of information about his birthparents. When he is ready or when he wants to find them I will be happy to help him.

Santa's Lil' Helper

We are adoptive parents that were promised an open adoption with a relative. She has no interest in DD and has told me in no uncertain terms she has moved on with HER life. When I approached her over the open records issue she REFUSED to sign consent acknowledging this is was an open adoption and that her daughter knew who she was. Because of this my daughter's adoption records have been permanently sealed!!! For heavens sake we see each other at family functions. Luckily I have the original birth certificate.

If adoptive parents are expected to honor open adoption agreements then so should natural famlies. Afterall this is suppose to benefit the children not the adults!!!

I am VERY upset because I am afraid that when DD is older she will not want to provide the answers she needs.

I am 110% for open adoption!!!

Wundt

EVERYTHING depends on the situation surrounding the adoption. Anyone who says ALL adoptions should be open, or close, is dead wrong.

We effectively have a close adoption for our sons. They were adopted through the fostercare system from parents who were neglectful and abusive; the bio mother also had a history of using their children to manipulate/steal from others (members of her own family refused to take the boys because of her behavior). We are keeping all records so the boys can contact their bio family in the future, but except for the occational photo, there will be no contact until they are adults.

However, I have family who have a 100% open adoption and it works great. The bio mother in their case just did not feel having a baby at that time was right for her, and she didn't believe in abortion, and so she adopted. It has been very successful all around.

So, you cannot make a blanket judgement about which is better. It should always be which is best for the situation.

BPD Wife

While I generally support open adoptions, I also believe it is dependent on what is best for the child. In situations of abuse/neglect, I believe that closed adoptions are necessary.

mrsdrkwaver

I have mixed feelings about it and that is why i am here to better educate myself on open adoption. I completely agree that the child should know form day one that they are adopted and who the natural parents are but like one other person answered here I am afraid. I am afraid that nothing I do will be good enough that the natural parent will feel I am doing things wrong. I know it may sound silly but no one wants there parenting judged. I will not have a closed adoption but how frequent i will be comfortable with visits is what I am trying to come to terms with. For selfish reasons it probably would be easier for us if it is closed but I know realisticly that is not in the best interest of the child and would not do that. It is very tough on the adoptive parents to come to terms with another mother being in the picture but like all aspects of adoption I plan to continue to learn and educate myself so that we make the best decision possible for all parties involved.

Crucio

Iâ€™m not for it or against, every situation is different. Some people both PAP and BP want closed adoption, for various reasons. If people have a closed adoption though I think they need to try and get as much information as they can from about the birthfamily. The birthparents should be willing to supply that information, any medical information that would be beneficial.

nalgirl

I was adopted at birth & I've never had contact with my biological parents. That was their own decision. I have their names, back round information, and all their medical history which is important. My parents have told me from very young if I ever wanted to find them that they would always help. The truth is I have my own parents, and for me there is no need to contact them for anything. I personally feel that open adoptions are difficult and confusing for the child. I'm not saying it's wrong, but I know I wouldn't want that. I don't think people have a right to be against it if they weren't adopted. There's no happy medium here. If you choose to give your child up deal with consequences. It's not fair to the adoptive parents and the child. I can't believe how ignorant people are.

â™¥Amber is a New Momma

Im sort of for it, and against it at the same time.
For it, because if i adopted the child, and it was an open adoption meaning the mother/father can visit often, i have to send pictures, they can take them out to the zoo or whatever, id feel like i was just doing the nasty work. Giving it food, a roof to live under, ect. Id feel like i wasnt realy the mother, so closed adoptions would be better if i was adopting.

Then again, If i was sending my child out i would want it to be open adoption, so i can recieve updates and visit them.

So its sort of a hard decision.

dancer255

I am for a closed adoption. here you have a biological mother and or father who are not relatives or close family friends yet they are part of your child lives. How do you think the child will feel about that . who is this person.? why are they always around.

Also adoptive parents can sometimes feel that their parenting skills are being judged. the biological parent(s) may not agree with the parenting style, dress, religion, what have you. There are to many things that would have to be worked out in the begin. I believe a clean break is best for everyone. When and how a parent choose to to tell their kids about their adoption is their business.

Open adoption just forces their hand to explain to a child what adoption is when a child to young to understand what adoption is.

Ducky

I sm against it. I have been thiniking about adopting and I wouldn't want to go through the process af being accepted getting a child loving it and then have the birth parents rip it away. I do believe they have a right to know that they are adopted, when they are old enough to understand. And when they are old enough they can even try to look up thier birth parents. The parents gave up the baby ar child for a reason, why should they have the right to change their mind and wreck a family. We didn't choose to not be able to have our own kids, and should not have to pay for someone to not fully think a situation through and turn around and change a mind. Most parents adopting have been thorugh enough, they don't need more pain added on to it. They can and will give the child as much love as the birth parents would if they had decided to keep the child or hadn't done something wrong to lose the child.

bob

I too am from a closed adoption. I'm in my mid 50's and thought I had put it behind me; I think that's called denial! My health is really good and I am lucky because every time a doctor asks about my family history, I tell them I have none and then get the split-second quirky look. I hired an intermediary and a private investigative agency to look into my case, results were worse than a dead end. Turns out my file is full of lies and now I feel like I'm from Roswell and my birth parents are buried in some vault in Area 51 - IT SUCKS!!! I am so totally against closed adoptions.

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