What can be done for the two sides to respect each other?

PhilM

Honestly, at this point, don't we have to go back in time and start all over? And would that even work?

Two things, more practical occur to me...

(1) Recognize there aren't two sides. There are lots of sides. Probably as many as people who post here. (I don't say this to nitpick. We too often lump people together into two camps. But there are plenty more nuances than that.)

(2) Respond to what's on the page, and not with all the baggage we have in our various histories. This is implicit in some of the questions you've posted earlier today. This is very, very hard. Maybe impossible. And it requires not thinking we know what someone is implying because of past interactions. This is hard. If we could all do it... Who knows? Maybe we could achieve a certain level of detente.

I'd say, though, that some of the views on here are incommensurable. If I contend that adoption harms children, and you disagree, what is the level of respect that we can achieve? Maybe some. But this is a very large barrier. It's not just disagreement. It's disagreement at a very deep level.

From the moment I've been on this board, I've experienced vitriol. Perhaps others could say the same. How easy is it to get over that and see the agents of that vitriol as people who respect us and we can respect?

Mei-Ling

All I do is try to remember there's a real, living, breathing person at the other end of the screen.

That delays my trigger button quite well.

ETA: "As to your Mei-Ling question, my theory is that it's someone who would have a problem with living breathing persons. Zombies perhaps. The undead can be resentful of everyone who isn't stanky, festering, and putrid."

*falls off her chair in fits of laughter*

cruzgirlz3

The first thing we have to do is stop talking about sides. Adoption is WAY more complicated then "pro" or "anti" adoption. There are many, many views and complicated perspectives. For instance I am an adoptee, searching, raising an adoptee who is also a foster child. Complicated? Ya, a little. Putting people into "camps" is not productive at all. Even the "extremes' here are much more complex if you take a closer look.

Personally, I'm ok with the conflict. Sometimes it gets out of hand, but then it settles again. No big deal. I've come to respect some of the people I have had the greatest arguments with. I'm glad we hashed it out. If someone is just being mean and nasty, that's what the blocking option is for.

I would like to see a STOP to the reporting of harmless questions and answers and the "thumbing" just because someone likes or dislikes another. If everyone just cooled it on these things, I think things would be better.

Looney Tunes

Personally, I think Phil's answer #2 was right on target.

People are going to be emotional and it is so hard to see a question and not transfer your own personal "stuff" into it. Everyone does it.

Ideally, I think what needs to be done is to have everyone accept DIVERSE THOUGHT and if you are not happy with a question, ignore it.

Kassy

I try not to have trouble with anything adoptees say because I just imagine they are my middle child, all grown up. As for others, when they upset me I tend to type out long, nasty responses and then delete them. I try to remember that it's just possible that other people are intelligent and have life experiences that make their point of view both natural and valid.

As to your Mei-Ling question, my theory is that it's someone who would have a problem with living breathing persons. Zombies perhaps. The undead can be resentful of everyone who isn't stanky, festering, and putrid.

Sly

Carnie,
In real life many of us could probably be friends. We could go out to lunch, meet for coffee, serve on the PTA, amd go shopping. We could look into each other's eyes, and know that we are in pain, hurting, joyful, silly and anxious instead of trying to read between the lines. I am sure that we would all get along nicely. But, in this venue, with so much passion, so much hurt, so much damage and so much drama it is very difficult.

I try to not blast and not be unkind because I know that a lot of the sparks here are due to pain, however, I have a very low tolerance for fools or cruelty and I have seen both of those here. I attempt to give the benefit of the doubt, but when all doubt is removed, it is hard not to react.

Sandy

Penny A (Vanessa)

It's up to the individual to keep a check on their own behaviour. I admit that I have little tolerance for people who continually play the victim card and have a hard time showing respect to them, but I do my best. Those types of people can be any part of the triad.

spydermomma

I think CruzGirl and Phil are spot on. There are many different viewpoints and many different ways of expressing them. We certainly won't all agree, and even if we do, we might not like the way something is expressed. And some things discussed here are really too much core beliefs to reconcile with an opposite viewpoint. If it isn't that important to you (not you, Carnie, the generic you), it is easy to respect others, but if someone else's viewpoint invalidates the core of your experience as a person -- well, I think it would be kind of hard to even respect them.

What I would love would be a certain level of civility. If we just refrained from attacking people for >who they are< and stuck to critiquing >what they say< (or the idea in general, since, annoyingly, YA doesn't allow "chatting"), then that would go a long way.

And would everyone please stop reporting the questions already! Unless the question is an attack on someone or illegal, why delete an attempt at understanding. And in the last couple of days it has gotten really out of hand and questions that meet even Y!A's limited scope have been deleted. Please just stop!

As to thumbs, just everyone please get over them already. They are just little numbers next to icons, they only have the power you give them in your own mind.

ETA: I think Shredder is right also. I admit I sometimes tune in out of "morbid" curiousity about whatever skirmish is going on. Part of the reason the deleted questions bug me so much -- I missed them! I'm sure we aren't the only rubberneckers.

BLW_KAM

I have a question too. After reading Phil's response who else had to look "vitriol" up in a dictionary?

I will quote from the book "Everything I Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten" by Robert Fulghum:

"Think what a better world it would be if we all -- the whole world -- had cookies and milk about 3 o'clock every afternoon and then lay down with our blankets for a nap. Or if we had a basic policy in our nation and other nations to always put things back where we found them and cleaned up our own messes. And it is still true, no matter how old you are, when you go out into the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together."

Gaia Raain

I appreciate that this is an open forum where I can truly, honestly speak from my heart, and from my experience. I appreciate that adoptees, first parents, adoptive parents, pro- and anti- adoption, and everyone in between can do exactly the same. I appreciate that I've learned so much from these folks, by reading the suggested books, blogs, web sites, by reading articles, studies, statistics, looking at the actual facts, absorbing the information people give me, even if it's not pretty, even if it hurts my feelings. I appreciate that I've made friends here, few of whom are the quiet, docile, people-pleaser types, but instead speak truly, honestly, and from their hearts.

If honesty offends, too bad. Put on the big girl panties and move along.

Dan B.

yeah, one world is enough for all of us and stuff.
heh, heh

bubba

aint nothin can be done, the fightin is why people come here just no one will admit it

Indian-vision

People face their keyboard and turn into tigers ready to attack. Be the same person you would be if standing face to face with the questioner.Thats how some respect is possible.

I wish y/a would show who is "thumbing up/down" and space to say why or just get rid of that useless feature.

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