What can you tell me about adoption?

I have a 3 month old son, whom I enjoy immensely (he's a good little dude), but really really did not enjoy the process of pregnancy and childbirth. I'd like very much to someday have a little girl, because my husband and I would like to have a boy and a girl. However, I refuse to go through the process of having another child, especially since it could (probably would, with my luck) turn out to be another boy!

I'm interested in adoption, and I was hoping that people would be willing to share adoption experiences and information with me.

Right now, I'm leaning towards out-of-country adoption, for the simple fact that kids in need of adoption in developing countries don't have the opportunities that kids in this country have.

Please also know that I will not (will NOT) consider foster care/ foster adoption. I have a friend who has adopted a few children through the foster care system, and I can't see myself being willing to jump through the ridiculous hoops involved.

Obviously, my preference would be for a baby girl, but I realize that is pretty much everyone's preference, and I would consider any age child who was a good fit for our family.

Also please note that it will be a couple of years before I will be ready to do this, I'm just doing some research beforehand.

One last note, I will actually choose a best answer, so 10 points are up for grabs!

Thanks in advance for the helpful answers!
Additional Details
Wow... consider myself officially berated for researching adoption!

cmc

With international adoption the child is usually close to a year or older when they are allowed to be adopted by a foreigner. Also since you would want to adopt a baby younger than your son (this is usually recommended) I think you are definitely a few years away from adopting, and international adoption changes very quickly. For example Vietnam has now closed their program to families in the US (the US was critical of their adoption practices). Therefore it probably doesn't make a lot of sense to get your heart set on a particular country, since it might not be open. Also international adoption can be a complicated and lengthy process.

You might want to read up about transracial adoption to educate yourself about issues around that. Also there are some yahoo groups about adopting from specific countries - e.g. ichild is about adopting from india. Those groups are more pro-adoption that this group tends to be. You can get an over view of info about adopting from various countries from the state deptartment:
http://travel.state.gov/family/adoption/country/country_369.html

byanyothername

Uh.. maybe it's just your wording.. but it sounds like you are shopping for a doll. Maybe focusing on your 3 month old is what you should do. With time, your perspective could change.

Felicita1

I think that before you adopt, you should think a lot about the ramifications of adoption vs. having one of your own.

If you give birth to a child, you will be the only parents of that child: To be specific, the only parents that your child will have a social, emotional, and genetic connection to. If you adoption, the first two are not guaranteed and the third one is an impossibility.

If it is an open adoption, could you deal with your child loving another mother as well? Maybe going to her for hugs? Accidentally calling her "mommy" too? If it is a closed adoption, could you deal with a reunion where your child might build a parent-child relationship with their natural parents? It is not unheard of and in-fact very common. Would you be able to deal with another mother having just an intense an emotional connection to her lost child (and as permanent) as you have to your baby right now?

I am glad you are asking for individual adoption experiences. Please also listen to the voices of those who were adopted, and mothers who lost children to adoption: their voices are just as important as those who have adopted.

Freckle Face

Hi Kali,

In order for the child to enter your family, the child must loose his other family. As a woman who has recently given birth, you must know how your son knew you. Your son knew your voice, your heartbeat was familiar to him and he prefers you to all others. People think because they are newborns they won't remember but many adoptees find the pain of loss remains years later.

Another thing to keep in mind, the mother. Many mother's never get over the pain involved in relinquishing their child. These mothers are told they will get "over it" or things will get easier with time. Not true. They never get over it and many times the pain gets worse as time goes by.

In adoption, the child should come first. Finding parents for children and not children for parents. The children who truly need parents, foster children.

You will get the full spectrum on views of adoption here. I invite you to stay and learn the good, the bad and the ugly on adoption. Only that way will you make a truly informed decision.

Thank you for asking questions and doing research before adopting.

â™ª â™« free hugs â™ª â™«

well i was adopted.. from the US.. and i dont know anything about the process or anything but if you do choose to adopt try to find some information about the girl.. like heritage and stuff like that.. cuz i hate not knowing stuff like that.. but maybe it doesnt matter that much to other people... well anyways good luck if you do :D i hope to adopt too when i am old enough and ready to have a family

Suzy Sunshine

It sounds like you've the begining of a good plan but I'm not sure what more you need to know. Do you know how to find an agency?

I adopted because I simply prefer adoption and because I had no interest in being pregnant. It worked out beautifully. We chose International Adoption for several reasons, the greatest being that domestic adoption is a bit of a mess right now. Also my husband wanted our first child to come to our home as an infant.

I was adopted and grew up with a lot of friends who were adopted internationally so it was very natural for us. We chose our program country based on their reliability and a simple affinity for the culture. We also looked at our ability to provide good cultural experience for our child.

Here is a good starting point to think about different countries, but let me know if you have any specific questions:

http://www.theadoptionguide.com/options/international-adoption

Oh, and please ignore the extremists, they have a lot of problems and rather than managing them, they harass people who adopt children.

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