What could make me feel better?

â˜…âœŒMuseâ˜®â˜…

It's been only a little more than a week. Give yourself time. Eventually things will go back to normal, or at least close to it. It's a choice you made, and I'm sure it was best for your situation. The times you feel sad, think about how you made another family so happy; one that maybe couldn't psychically have kids.

Everything will be fine, just give it some time :]

Lisa

My heart breaks for you. I know how much you are hurting inside, and how much you miss your baby. With hormones raging on top of that, it has to be very difficult and isolating for you.

You are grieving. You gave up your child. It is a huge loss. One that you will never completely overcome. Allow yourself to grieve. It is totally natural to miss your baby. There is nothing wrong with you, if you didn't feel this loss, you would not be human.

Our society doesn't recognize this as a loss......and leaves you hanging with no support. Truly, the agency or whoever orchestrated this adoption should be providing unbiased one on one counseling for you. You really shouldn't be alone in this.....and I wish you would consider some counseling.

Also, know that you should legally still have time to reverse this and get your baby back. If you are having regrets, they are not going to go away, they will most likely get worse as time passes. If you want your baby back, you need to move quickly.

Whatever you decide, be good to yourself and I hope you will find some kind of peace.

For grief, there are books you can read, and you will find similarities. There are support groups online. Email me and I can send you some info.

And there are people like me that would happy to give you a shoulder. Please, feel free to email me. I know how you feel.

My prayers are with you.

DevonChaos

Honey, you lost your child. You are never going to get over it. You need to find someone to talk to, no matter how uncomfortable it is. It isn't the hormones. You are separated from your baby, and that is devastating to you. This has nothing to do with a "medical condition". Mothers and children have a bond that cannot be broken, even though there is distance and time separating you. I don't know if you are still in your waiting period before everything gets finalized, but if you want your baby back this is the time to tell someone.
You really do need professional help. This isn't going to just "go away". This is going to hurt forever, and the sooner you can deal with it, the better.
I cannot imagine this loss, and I am going to keep you in my thoughts. My first mother was your age when she had me and put me up for adoption.

Independ"ant"

Not sure what can make you feel better....avoid alcohol and medication. They will only mask your grief or numb your feelings temporarily.

You'll just have to deal with it one day at time.

A woman I know ended up hiring private detectives to keep tabs on the Aps and her son so she could keep in touch with what was going on in his life. She finally reunited when he turned 17.

Temperance

A therapist. Maybe meeting other teens in your situation. Visit your child? It's normal to feel that way. Just cry if you want to, scream if you want, you have every right. I am sorry, but definitely try to see her.

Adoptionissadnsick

HURRY THE H*LL UP AND REVOKE YOUR CONSENT TO ADOPTION.

Get your baby back

Felicita1

"i know its normal to feel sad for a while because of hormones"

Who lied to you and told you THIS crap? For "WHILE"? Try "always." You have an almost 50-50 chance of feeling this for the rest of your life, either as bad or worse. That's what large-scale studies of surrendering mothers have shown. The agency or lawyers that brokered your baby for adoption (did you know they may have made $10,000 or more for your baby?) should have told you this.

Don't think that this is temporary. It is long-lasting and can get worse. In fact even if you are in the lucky half where it does not get worse, it may never get even to "moderate" or "fair" grief resolution.

You obviously were never told the truth about the magnitude of your loss and how it will permanently affect you with unresolved grief. You therefore did not give informed consent.

"A grief reaction unique to the relinquishing mother was identified. Although this reaction consists of features characteristic of the normal grief reaction, these features persist and often lead to chronic, unresolved grief. CONCLUSIONS: The relinquishing mother is at risk for long-term physical, psychologic, and social repercussions. Although interventions have been proposed, little is known about their effectiveness in preventing or alleviating these repercussions." Journal of Obstetric, Gynecological and Neonatal Nursing, 1999 Jul-Aug. pp.395-400.

45% of mothers surveyed stated that their sense of loss had intensified over the period since surrender and 6.4% stated it had remained the same. For the sample as a whole, this loss remains constant for up to 30 years. - Winkler, Dr. R.; and Van Keppel, M. (1984)

All had unresolved grief, continuing to experience symptoms of mourning at the anniversary of the relinquishment. -- Rynearson, E. K. (1982)

Feelings of sadness and depression at the time of the surrender were rated on average as between â€œintenseâ€ and â€œthe moist intense ever experienced. .. For 67%, these feelings either stayed the same or intensified in the years since surrender, they did not diminish. - Condon, Dr. J. T.(1986)

Mothersâ€™ scores averaged in the mild to moderate range of depression at the time of the study, which was done a number of years post-surrender, significantly higher than the population average.. Indicates that surrender can lead to long-lasting depression. 40% were still experiencing at least moderate acute grief. - Weinreb, M. (1991)

Natural mothers registered significantly stronger symptoms than mothers whose babies had died in 8 of the 14 bereavement subscales, especially for open adoptions . .. Relinquishing mothers have more grief symptoms than women who have lost a child to death, including more denial; despair, atypical responses; and disturbances in sleep, appetite, and vigor. - Blanton, T., & Deschner, J. (1990)

*** Note this last study: *especially for open adoptions.* ***

(The one study showing better grief resolution used an artificial and closely monitored agency situation and even in this study VERY few mothers experienced good grief resolution.)

These are the studies your agency is fully aware of. If they did not tell you, then they committed fraud.

What could make you feel better? The only thing that can is getting your baby back. There IS tons of support out there for you: scholarships for single moms, daycare while you work and go to school, parent resource centers. etc.

Jillma

I went through the same thing. I kept myself occupied so I wouldn't have to think about my boy all the time. I was older and had a job, so I worked a lot. You will always miss her, it fades with time, but for me it has always been there. Right now is the hardest for you. Stay strong. You made the right choice. Try reading or working out. Running turned into a huge stress reliever for me. It could help you too. Take care...

DeDe G

i am sorry to you. i know how you feel today. And i dont know when you might feel better I hope you do soon. i say time is best and then you will notice friends who dont and they do a bad job as a mom and you will think my baby is lucky to not have a bad mom. i did feel sad for just a while missing the kicks and i had a c-sec so it hurt a long time. but to see my friends keep a babe and make it a little brat with no good life makes me know i did the right thing.

Kat

erm for the short term sadness id use rescue remedy just a couple of drops in some water and taking small sips will calm you down *hopefully* that would work for when your going 'hysteric' if that makes sence, erm i know it sounds a bit strange for someone you dont even know to say this but if you are in ever need of a chat just message me im not a shrink or anythin im only 17 but i do listen my advice may not be fab but sometimes it works so yer the offers there if u need it, if not no worries.
much love and all my heart
kat x

cmc

sorry you are going through this. I'm sure it is incredibly hard. Maybe if you don't like shrinks there is a family friend you can talk to? I would think hormones are having an effect on you, but giving up a baby is incredibly hard and don't let people pressure you to forget it and move on. Some of the answers on here are pretty harsh, but even an online friend might be helpful to you, if they've been through something like this. However they should be compassionate, not judgemental and mean. I'm much older, and an adoptive mom, so don't have any kind of similar experience that I can directly relate to yours. If you have a good doctor you may want to talk to them too, or call the adoption agency and see if they have any kind of network of women in your situation that you might be able to talk to. I hope you find the support you need to deal with everything that is going on in your life right now.

sizesmith

Dear Heather
There are some support groups when you go to www.cafemom.com for first parent like yourself. There are various groups, and sometimes, you can private message individuals there, especially moderators, who have placed before, and can offer support. There are also some wonderful yahoo.com groups from the yahoo.com page, you can search for them. With these groups, you need to be careful as with any on-line function, and don't give out personal information.

As an adoptive mom, I know that having the opportunity to raise a child is the most wonderful experince ever, when one is ready to raise a child, emotionally, mentally, physically, and financially. I pray you've asked for open adoption, so that way you can have contact with the baby in the future. In some states, you could still revoke the adoption rights, and work with someone who has the capacity to enter into an open adoption. We have one with our son's first parents, and update her regularly, and offer for her to visit the baby (or us go see her) anytime she wishes. First dad and his family do. I think it's healthier for the child in the long run if the parents can work together. I wish you peace on this journey, and like any loss, it's very, very hard to deal with, but time does make it easier. Keep a scrapbook of what you are doing in life as you go, so one day, your reunion will be good. Let her know how much you love her in the book, take pictures of her dad, and yourself, and of every event in your life, such as your prom, graduation, your wedding in the future, your first house, and let her know what you're thinking as you journalize in the scrapbook. It's not only normal to feel sad because of hormones, but even without them, sadness over losing a child is tremendous. Good luck!

Lovely Princess

You are very young and still have your whole life ahead of you. This was probably for the best in some way because you still run the risk of your baby getting bad parents. Look if you can't be with your baby try and have as much contact as possible with her so that she knows you're there for her. This may be something you will never be able to get over but this is the decision you chose and all you can do now is stay close to her. Just don't do it just because you feel lonely do it because it comes from your heart. If you just miss your baby because you feel lonely try and distract yourself by finding a hobby or go out somewhere with friends. That will take your mind off your your thoughts and depression.

Heather B

You're grieving and so is your baby, wondering where Mommy went.

I can't think of anything that would take the pain away from losing a child. Nor the pain of losing a mother. That's the most devastating loss.

Dreamcatcher

God you must be feeling confused..Its such early days at the moment and I can understand that you miss her..you wouldn't be normal if you didn't..I know you said you hate shrinks..but believe me talking to someone who is sitting on the fence is great..because they don't judge you..Don't listen to people who say you shouldn't have given your child away they are not in your situation..I was adopted when I was 4yrs old (1964) and I have never judged my birth mother for doing it..She had her reasons and done what she thought was right..So remember you have done what you thought was right for your baby..I know its hard but go back to school and get your education..your only young..she will always hold a place in your heart..Good Luck and think positive..

Birthers are NOT mothers

You should have kept your child. Sorry, no pity here!

David B

You have "issues." In desperate need of professional care, so get over hating shrinks, they are going to be a part of your life.

Enter Your Message or Comment

User Name:
User Email:
Post a comment: