What did you fantasize about when you thought of your other family?

PhilM

I don't know that I can add too much to Julie's wonderful answer...

I know that I have fantasized most of my life about my first family. In this way, adoptees are both similar to and dissimilar to nonadopted children. In their book "Being Adopted" Brodzinsky, Schechter and Henig discuss a common occurrence for most children between the ages of nine and twelve. This is the Family Romance Fantasy:

"Biological children at about this age often have fantasies that they were secretly adopted. This usually arises after a period of conflict with their parents; it is a child's way of dealing with the unsettling fact that he can both love and hate his parents at the same time. If those nasty disciplinarians are so hateful, the child reasons, they must also be imposters; my real parents would never be so cruel." (p. 76)

"But with adopted children its resolution is more complicated, because the 'fantasy' is, in large measure, real." (p. 76)

While all children go through the fantasy stage, adoptees struggle with it a bit more.

But as Julie pointed out, most adoptees I've known have worked through all this by the time they get to searching. Indeed, when I started my search, I assumed my first mom would either be dead or not want to talk to me. Instead, I found someone, much like my adoptive parents, who was caring and loving and flawed.

For me, that was a very big relief. Not only was it not horrible, but it wasn't perfect. I don't know how I could have lived up to a perfect person. I'm a flawed person myself, and finding another flawed, but caring human being at the end of my search was better than finding a perfect human being.

If it had turned out badly? Well, when I started searching, I assumed it would turn out badly. And I still did it. So I guess I would rather be disappointed rather than never know.

Possum

I had heaps of fantasies - from either end of the spectrum - both good and bad - and everything in between.
I'm still a huge daydreamer to this day - and run 100's of scenarios through my head about what people are thinking - from words that they've said. (like I'm trying to work out if what they're saying is true - can it be taken at face value - or is there a deeper meaning to what they said - or are they not telling me the truth at all!!! This is usually about stuff right now to do with my first fam - as my reunion is in very early days.)
Yep - sometimes - things are very mixed up in my head!!!!
I think it's because I wasn't allowed to talk about my first family.
Questions weren't allowed to be asked - so instead - I asked them in my head - and made up wild scenarios about what the answer might be.
I think this also compounded my problems with trusting those that I love - as I'm worried they'll all leave me one day.
(I was not only adopted - but my a-dad died when I was less than 1 - and my a-mum died when I was 18 - I haven't had a very good run on loved one's sticking around!!! - Except for now - I've been married to a wonderful man for 17 years this year!!!!)
No wonder I was always in trouble in class for not concentrating - I was worrying too much about my world - to be able to focus on other things going on!!
What doesn't kill us makes us stronger!!!

Joy M

I didn't really fantasize about them, I thought they probably meant to be nice but were axe murderers, (they were so not, that was a shock)

I was very blocked when I was growing up to my adoption issues.

Tobit

Yes, I did have fantasies. Growing up, I was told that my mom was from a wealthy family. So, I always wondered why she gave me up. I also imagined talking to her and my half-siblings, and how we would understand one another so well. Nice fantasizes.

I searched for my natural family, though, because I thought fantasizing is unhealthy. The constant state of unknowing that Julie spoke of needed to be reconciled.

The reality I found was different from my fantasy. But I would definitely search again. Before reunion, I thought about adoption all the time; it was a piece of my identity. Now, I am less encumbered by such thoughts; adoption is just a fact of life.

Heather B

There was no choice but to fantasize, because the facts and the truth were witheld, sigh

As a kid I would shut my eyes and concentrate real hard to try and picture my mother.

I wanted to know the truth about why she left me, what was wrong with me? question after question after question left unanswered

I searched faces and wondered if strangers I met were related to me

In answer to your last question, I would rather be possibly disappointed and know the whole truth (good bad or indifferent) than left to wonder and fantasize

Laurel J

I didn't fantasize about my first family as a kid. I think I felt it would be somehow disloyal to my adoptive parents, although they never did or said anything to give me such an idea.

I was adopted as an infant. I didn't even know I had half- sisters til 6 or 7 years ago!

a healing adoptee

Truthfully, I never really fantasize about what my mom was b/c i saw my mom around the small town we lived in for awhile.Though I never had a relationship with her when i was younger. But I did fantasize that if she cleaned up her life, what type of person she would of been. From what I hear from my biological family she was smart and things. It was the drugs that changed her. So, I would fantasize on how great her life would of been if she didn't do drugs or was a prosuitue.

Isabel A

I didn't ever allow myself to fantasize about them.
I honestly didn't think I would ever meet them anyway.

I guess I thought they would at least be alive if/when I found them considering their young age. I ended up being half wrong on that account.

And honestly, I assumed my whole life that they didn't want me so I tried not to think about them much at all.

It was quite a shock to learn the opposite. I'm still processing it all actually.

I guess in my case, I would have probably been better off fantasizing, everything would have probably been less of a shock to my system if I had.

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