What do Bio Parents want from reunion?

Lori A

Without reading any of the replies you got I want to say that I ALWAYS wanted to see my daughter again. Long story short, she found me. We started slow. It has been 9 years now and we are the best of friends. We talk every chance we get, (a few times a week) but that's just us. It didn't start off that way. It grew into that. She calls me just as much as I call her.

I have a relationship with a grown woman, not a child. Our relationship has nothing to do with her love and respect for her parents. She adores them and continues to refer to them as her parents because that's who they are.

All you can do is state what you are looking for in the way of a relationship and see what happens. You have the right to have what ever type reunion you choose, providing your fmom is willing to have a relationship with you.

If you have been reading here you know that reunion is tricky and full of emotions. It's hard, but can be very rewarding. Mine is.

Carnie C

i am an adoptee found by my nparents (both of them). i did not want to be found; hwoever, after being told that all she wanted was to know that i was okay and confirm that she ahd made the right decision, i agreed to contact.

then the multiple daily phone calls and emails. the unleashing of 30 years of pent up guilt for her decision and anger at my bdad began...i am only me, a secretary, not a therapist and i was not ready nor capable of coping with all that.

she had questions and she wanted to know about my life. I told her i was fine and had never questioned my adoption nor given it a second thought. good family who worked hard and had good strong family values. I had to be truthful with her and explain these were my parents, my real parents and she said she understood. she used the term "birthmom" to describe herself at that point.

then it turned into "if i had raised you, you would/would not . . . ."

then she bought my daughter a car without so much as discussing it with me; began to undermine my parental relationship with my daughter in a variety of ways. Finally, i had no choice but to sever contact. My daughter was 16-17 and i allowed her to continue contact with my bmom but not in my home.

then my daughter became pregnant. i knew my bmom had purchased quite a few items for the pending birth. I knew that, like me, she was being very supportive of my daughter during this time. it had been three years since i spoke or saw my nmom and I grappled with inviting her to the baby shower. I did not and it was a good thing that i didn't.

the night my daughter went into labor, she called my nmom while we were driving to the hospital to keep her posted of the status. Gramma answered the phone but in her early dementia stage, confused the message to my nmom lol thank goodness the answering machine captured the whole conversation!!!!

the next morning, after a hard night of labor with no results, i called my nmom to give her the update. her husband answered and was extremely cold but i kept my voice upbeat.

a couple of hours later, she called back. I could hear the tension in her voice and treaded lightly while being upbeat to explain the very slow progress.

a few hours later, an emergency CSection was required and i did make the call to my nmom to let her know and then was whisked into the OR to be with my daughter. After the birth, while still in the OR, the nurse said that my daughter and granddaughter had their first visitor. I just smiled -- i knew who it was.

when able, i walked out into the waiting room and saw shock, confusion, anger, fear, happiness and uncertainity in her face. I merely pulled off my mask (i was still in my scrubs) and said its a beautiful baby girl :) i showed her the pics i had on my camera and cell phone, grabbed hers and began running back and forth.

When my daughter and granddaughter were allowed to have visitors, i walked my nmom in there and left to give them time alone. They deserved that together. My nmom walked out and said "oh, i forgot to tell you -- congratulations. and yes, she is beautiful". we chatted for a bit and then she had to leave for work.

She and Gramma came up the following day and we all talked about what had been going on over the last few years and had some laughs. we took a five generation picture of us in the hospital and had a nice time.

since then, we have not spoken of the non-communication time. It's time to let bygones be bygones. She IS a GG (great gramma) to my granddaughter and that's what baby girl will call her while my daughter and i still refer to her by her first name. but it's easy to see how much she adores the baby girl and she is a GG.

more than a year later and almost 9 years into reunion, i finally feel OK with my reunion. We're not 'family' yet we are. the standing holiday invite is there, the craziness when we do get together for those; the fact that her son and i laugh because we know we can say just a few things to get her all riled and red in the face - then we just throw a kid in her face and she's all back to smiles.

I don't see a lot of me in her but physically i see my ndad in me. they are both becoming an actual part of my life instead of an annoyance.

Reunion takes a lot of work and patience. Post the letter with your contact information but be patient afterwards. It could be 3 months before you hear from her. She deserves the time to let it all soak in. if you ahven't heard from her in that time, confirm the address and send another quick note but please do not force the reunion. she, like i did, needs time to let it sink in. There's no telling what she's been told and who she's told. She's got X number of years of pent up emotion that is going to break like a huge dam and she'll need a moment to let it sink in.

i think my bmom wanted to know i was okay and confirm that her decision was the right one for her at the time and place of h

Politically Correct

I'm not sure I can totally answer your question as I was an adopted child rather than a birth parent but I know that my birth mother was terribly damaged by giving me away and that the reunion really helped her to put the trauma to rest.

I should say that my reunion was unusual in that my birth parents later married and I therefore have both parents and three full siblings. We have all been in close contact now for many years.

I love that you asked this question rather than asking what a reunion might do for you. But I want to tell you that this process will help you find your identity too. I would describe my meeting with my parents as the single most important event of my life as it showed me who I really was. With that knowledge, I was able to go and do a tremendous number of things that I did not know I could do.

snowwillow20

I am a first mom in reunion for 7 years. It's been a pretty good reunion. We try to visit once in the summer and at Christmas. The Christmas visit is kind of weird because we are traveling on that day and have to get to her house at a certain time to avoid seeing her aparents. They want nothing to do with us.
I send Christmas and birthday gifts to them. She sends us Mother's day and Father's day cards (that's cool) , always remembers our birthday..... sorry, I'm running on.... anyway we do not intrude in her life and we let her set the pace. She doesn't call me mom and her kids don't call me grandma, her choice, and i'm ok with that. I let her make all the rules of the relationship.
Her Mom raised her to be a wonderful caring person and I'm happy she had a pretty good life. She has had some hardships that I feel some guilt over but what's done is done.

I did not expect anything from our Reunion, I hoped for answers. I was prepared for rejection but what I got was compassion.

Not Adopted

I wanted a real relationship, not a "distant relative."

Racer

My reunion with my birth mother was... ok. I met 2 of my half sisters (different father). It was good for awhile, but then they began placing a lot of demands on my time...wanting me there with them all the time. Granted, they lived very close by, but my adoptive Mother was dying of cancer at the time, and that is where I wanted to be. In short... the relationship kinda went for a crap... I have not contacted them in over 10 years now. But, every reunion is different. You have to do what is best for yourself....so if you do contact your birth mother, then you need to lay out your boundaries to her.

ruby_suze

i found out i was adopted when i was 12(i had a feeling as i diddnt look like either of my parents) i went to the adoption scociety when i was sixteen(because i was nosy and wanted to know why?who?when? all the important stuff) my bio mother had left forwarding addresses for me everytime she moved house.so i got in contact and a week later she flew from new zealand to scotland to meet me, it was wierd looking at her because i am her double and knowing that i was actually meetin with someone with the same blood but thankfully i got a happy ending, a year later i flew out to newzealand and met my two half sisters who welcomed me straight away and also new about me from a young agemy father is out there also and i met him also. we all keep in touch regularly and my sister is coming over march next year for a week or so. my adoptive mother whom i love and i know is my parent was also adopted she waited until her adoptive parents had passed away before looking fir them(i think she diddnt want to hurt her parents or diddnt feel the need to know at that time) she found her birth mother who turned out to be the mother of thirteen kids from a bad area and the family is never out of the paper for ganglord crimes, they kept in touch for a while then broke away as my mum felt glad she had been given a better chance in life. so basically it could go either way but you dont know until you try, which by the way takes a hell of a lot of guts, its not an easy thing to do but i think either way at the end of it you at least get closure. good luck

Penny A (Vanessa)

I will go along with whatever he wants. If he doesn't want antyhing to do with me in the future, there's nothing I can do about it and I accept that. If he does, then that's terrific, then what will be will be. I made initial contact, let him know the door was open and I've basically left it up to him to decide if he wants to talk to me or not. We have only conversed via email here and there. I don't like to prod, and I think giving him time and space is very important in this situation.

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