What do I say at our first meeting with the expectant mother that has selected us?

BLW_KAM

Your question is causing me to flash back to an afternoon in February 1999 when we met our daughter's mom.

We barely even touched on issues of adoption at that meeting ... that came later. She was so shy and so young and I think she was more nervous than we were.

I tried to break the ice by asking her questions about things she liked to do. It ended up we both love volleyball. Then we talked about what kinds of food we liked and music and everyday issues.

But the real communicating came when the two of us were in the bathroom and I said, "I want you to know I'm not as perfect as I appear in the "Dear Birth Parent Letter". For the first time, she laughed and we talked about who we really were beneath the veneer. We were in the bathroom so long the social workers came to find us.

Later that day she called me at home and asked me if I'd be the baby's mom. I asked, "Are you really sure you want to do this?" and we talked more about why she was making this decision.

My very best wishes are sent to all of you. It will be an experience you will never forget.

Penny A (Vanessa)

Tell her that she is under no obligation to surrender her child, and she can change her mind without any backlash from you. And yes - don't ask about the father.

Possum

Make sure she's absolutely sure - no coercion what-so-ever.
See the lottery answer by Sunny.
Lay NO pressure on her to relinquish - what's absolute BEST for any child is to grow up around the family they are bio related to - please make the child's best interests come first - before yours.
Insist on open adoption - and keep it open - as again - it's what is best for the child.
Not knowing where you came from - who you look, talk and act like is really really hard on adoptees. They need their truth.

Read this - and put yourself into this mother's and child's shoes -
http://www.cubirthparents.org/booklet.pdf

If this child and mother can stay together - they should.
If they can't - then please honour where the child has come from - and keep those links open.
Adoptees come with a whole history before they are adopted.(no matter how young)
Adoptees need their adoptive parents to truly 'get' that.
They want to know and be loved by all their families.
Any 'ownership' issues are that of the adults - don't make the child suffer for those.

I wish you the best - & wish even more for this unborn child.

Carnie C

ask her if she's had counseling.

ask her if she has felt pressured into doing this.

ask her why she's doing this.

make sure she's comfortable with her decision thus far...but bear in mind, she can still change her mind.

sizesmith

Ask her if she wants open or closed adoption. Ask her how that would take place if she wants open. Ask her medical history, and if she knows of any of the father's medical history.

Also, we had a page made for a scrapbook that we got help from our son's first mom. It has her favorite color, her best and worst subjects in school, her favorite animal, if she'd rather live in the country or in the city, and a few non-identifying, but interesting things that a child might want to know. Also, her eye color, natural hair color, and if she's sure.

jessica300

The way your Q is worded, I'm not sure if you're meeting the social worker or the mother, but if you are meeting the mother I can tell you this:

I was "asked" 2 or 3 times over the course of several months if I was "sure I wanted to do this" - surrender my child. I always said yes because no one ever delved deeply enough into the REASONS I felt that I needed to "do this". If a mother is willing to separate herself from her flesh and blood child - especially her firstborn, before she has even given birth - you can be sure that there are some issues that are not being dealt with.

I would (the agency will likely not) ask her:

1) do you know what it means to be a mother?
2) do you know what it means to lose your son or daughter for 18 years and in some ways - regardless of reunion - for a lifetime?
3) do you know what it means to lose your grandchild/ren?

4) have you been in contact with single moms who've made a go of it?
5) have you talked to women who have lost their children to adoption in the past year, 5 years, 10 years, 20 years, 40 years? (There are lots of us out there who would be willing to tell her our experiences, and the one experience that is common to *most* is that the pain increases with the years of loss.)
6) have you talked to women who have been "persuaded" by the adoption industry to surrender, but have found the resources to keep their child?
7) have you talked to a young mother who is raising her own child about the beauty and love and absolute blessing that this child is to her, no matter how hard it is to do the work of parenting?
8) have you talked to your parents about this? How do they feel about losing a grandchild? (you can substitute parents for siblings and nephew/niece, etc.)
9) DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR OPTIONS ARE AND HAVE THEY BEEN EXPLAINED TO YOU?

There are lots of questions you can ask if you care about this woman, there are lots of other questions you can ask if you don't. The way we frame our "conversations" says a lot about us as individuals, and certainly influences the outcomes of "situations".

I would say you've succeeded if you keep this family together.

good luck.

IDK!!

Why not ask about the father?

THAT would be the FIRST thing I would ask. He is a parent too.

Felicita1

Ask her why she feels like she has to make this momentous decision during her pregnancy, rather than recovering from the birth first and getting to know her baby.

The fact that she is still expecting is a "red flag" that she is not being encouraged to take her time and make a decision once she gives birth (when the decision can be an actual informed decision).

Keep your ears open for evidence of coercion. For example, lack of finances means that financial coercion in the form of government withholding adequate financial support to her (or her perception that this support is not there) is forcing her to surrender. This is a human rights abuse and anyone taking advantage of this situation to obtain a baby surrendered under this pressure is guilty of exploitation.

Similarly if she has been threatened by abusive family members or partner, left homeless, or misled into believing that having a baby will destroy her college or career plans (in fact, young parenthood has recently been shown in many studies to enhance both of these). And many moms surrender their babies being told by parents that it is the only way for them to attend college, then they find to their shock that most colleges have daycares, parent resources centers, baby-sitting co-ops, single-parent-only scholarships, and other services.

Does her social worker or the agency she works for depend on adoption fees to stay in business? You can practically guarantee then that there is pressure on the social worker to ensure that this mom surrenders her baby (or that a certain number of moms per year surrender so the social worker meets her quota).

Finally, ask her what she needs in order to be able to keep her baby. Then ask the social worker why this is not being provided to her.

I am not saying you should not adopt her baby. If that baby is entirely unloved and unwanted, and all other family members are uninterested in having custody, then adoption may be the only thing that will provide that baby with a home. But if she loves and wants her baby, then there is no way she should be forced (or even convinced) to surrender that baby. The lifelong pain will be horrendous for her, even if she initially believes that "it was her choice." And it is only once her baby is in her arms that she will truly know how she feels about that baby. Not a second earlier. Which is why approaching an expectant mom and building a "bond" with her such that she feel obligated to surrender so she won't hurt you, is inherently coercive.

Sly

See Sunny's answer. If money is the only reason why she is surrendering she should keep her child. There is help and you can help her.

hbds

Please listen to BLW_KAM above me here - I couldn't have said it better myself.

eyeque46203

I am a first mother and I can only tell you what happened when I met my daughter's adoptive parents for the first time. It was just me and them, no social worker or anything. I think as well meaning as they can be, social workers or lawyers at the meeting place undue pressure on the first mother.
We met at a restaurant and had lunch, we talked about their other adopted children and they showed me pictures of them. I asked them what they did for a living and what a typical day was like. They did ask me about the father, I expected they would. They asked me why I was choosing adoption, they asked about my family's feelings about adoption. Although, hindsight being 20/20, I'm not so sure the question about my family was out of curiousity or their own fears about a custody battle with my family should I change my mind. But I can't blame them for asking if that was their motivation. Its got to be at the back of every adoptive parent's mind. They never once assumed I was going to go through with it, they never once assumed that if I did that I would choose them. In fact, at the end of it, I had to convince them it would happen and it would be them. But I think that was also to protect themselves against possible dissappointment.
Most of all, they were extremely considerate of my feelings and what I was going through. It was clear to me that they understood what this was going to do to me, I think even more than I did at the time. But it wasn't as if they were sitting there looking at my with pity or anything, they just genuinely seemed to care. That meant a lot to me.
I think the best advice I can give you is to be honest, almost to a fault, to be open, to be who you are. Don't be fake, people can see right through that. Something else, don't be afraid to admit you have faults. I imagine that this first mother already feels like somewhat of a failure or something, I did, and she probably already imagines that you guys are perfect people, I did. It will help to know that you are human and make mistakes just like she does. One more thing, please tell her that if she changes her mind, that you won't blame her, that your life will go on, and that either way it goes, she will remain in your prayers. Good Luck...

cmc

Tell her you know she can change her mind and that is okay - it should be. Other than that I would let her ask you questions - she is choosing you. It depends on the situation, but from my experience the father is not automatically off limits. Ask her what she wants to know about you, why she choose you, what kind of contact she would like after the adoption...

I talked to my daughter's mom on the phone, but only met her at the hospital (she had said she didn't want to meet in person, but changed her mind). I met another woman too, who decided not to place. I think you just try and be yourself and see how it unfolds. It may not go the way you think, so you don't really need a list of questions.

anastasia beaverhausen-the real1

you ask her if she is absolutely certain. you tell her she needs to keep her baby.

you offer to help her raise it. you offer the lawyer/agency fee amount to support her.

sunny

Ask her if she won the lottery, would she keep her child?

If she says yes, ask yourself how you can take the child.

bubba

thank u

Independ"ant"

I agree with Sonny....money/materialism should not be a factor in separating a mother and her child. That would be immoral, self centered and its taking advantage of her situation.

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