What do some adoptive parents think they need to protect adult adoptee from birthparent?

julie j

Hi Jenny,

In all honesty, when they say that they are protecting the adoptees, I believe it is actually a misguided attempt to protect THEMSELVES.

Adoptees & their first families need no more additional protection from each other than anyone else in society. If needed, the same legal recourses are available to adoptees and their families as to the general public. Adoptees who are grown are fully capable of taking care of themselves and of making decisions for themselves. Even in cases where there may be negative information to process, who in the general public hasn't had to deal with something negative about a family member? Adult adoptees are also capable of accepting & dealing with information as need be. They do not need someone else taking away their right to handle their own information in the first place. Many adoptees, myself included, resent the implication that they or their first families are automatically considered to pose a dangerous threat to anyone by their role in adoption alone. They are presumed guilty without any evidence of any crime.

Fortunately, adoptive parents are increasingly becoming more enlightened as to realistic expectations when raising adoptees. Some are sticking to the agreements made out of concern for everyone's well-being, particularly the child's. However, I would guess that the adoptive parents who would claim needed protection may have erroneous ideas of what relationships with the first family means. They may have fear of the unknown or confusion as to what their roles in the adoptee's life will be. They may feel threatened by the first family and/or insecure in their own relationships with the adoptee. They may have mistaken notions of adoption implying some sort of ownership or permanent, exclusive rights to what the adoptee does. They may want or feel they were even promised a monopoly on their adoptee's love. In some cases, it may even bring up long unresolved infertility issues again. By pretending the other family does not exist or presents some sort of danger, it may be possible to convince themselves the adoptee has only one family - the adoptive one. It could also generate a good family/bad family scenario. Guess which one the adoptive family sees themselves as? Obviously none of these situations are healthy for any of the members involved.

Protection has long been cited as an excuse to permanently seal away birth records from the relevant parties. It most likely dates back to selling the "blank slate" baby who was more appealing to the adoptive parents when he/she did not come with any first family interference. Sealed records is in essence, a mandatory protection order and it is unnecessary. We should not be involuntary participants in the equivalent of a witness protection program. We should have the same rights that all other adult citizens have to freely associate with others as we choose. As for those who say children will always need their parents regardless of their age, let that be their choice, not their only option.

In summary, to break promises of openness is wrong, cruel, and unethical, and will backfire in the long run. In the cases of adult adoptees, they generally do not need protection from their first mothers, and vice-versa. And if you look at who is saying they do, it is not the adoptees or their first parents, it is the adoptive parents, not all, but some - the ones who feel protection is needed. By changing their perspectives, they will be able to see that protection is not automatically needed. Adoptees will still love them. It is better to have strong, open, honest relationships so adoptive parents will not feel the need to "protect" what they feel is at risk. Thanks for asking.

julie j
reunited adoptee

Lillie

Hi Jenny,

When I first indicated to my aparents that I wanted to search, they told me that they were worried that I might get hurt. Either by rejection, that my n-parents wouldn't want to meet or speak with me, or that I wouldn't find "what I expected."

Although my aparents were always very supportive and never once tried to stand in my way; but these were their fears for me in my early reunion process.

(They didn't live to know what happened, but they would have been happy to find out that their fears were unwarranted. I had a very successful and happy reunion!)

kateiskate

I don't know because i'm an adoptee and not an adoptive parent, but I'm assuming it's because they're afraid of the outcome. More than likely they are afraid their adoptive kids are going to reject them.

Randy B

I'm talking in all areas here, not just adoption, but I don't know of any parent who does not want to protect their child, regardless of the child's age. I'm 45 and my mother still wants to "protect me".

I think the reasons behind that desire to protect are as personal and numerous as those who want to protect. Some are afraid for themselves and worried that their adopted child may love them less once they find their birth parents. Some may know more about the situation then they have admitted and are scared for what their child will learn. Some are insecure. Some are just locked in the habit of protecting their child regardless of age.

Is it right? In most cases I don't think so but only the people involved can change things.

Linny G

As an adoptee, I can say that my parents were afraid I would be hurt if she rejected me. She did, and I was.

They also had the mind f#cking statements of brainwashing guilt trips said to them by Catholic Charities to deal with. "If you love this child enough, they will never want to know their first mother, or family". What a crock. So of course, they wondered what they had done wrong.

I tell everyone that for me NOT to search would have gone against EVERY THING they taught me about love and family.

myst1998

In my case, the adopters of my daughter are terrified she will find out how they took her from me so they "protect" her from knowing the truth of what they did.

In other cases, I think what others have said is spot on. Most don't want their adopted children being hurt by reunion either through rejection or unrealistic expectations. Others are terrified of their adopted kids of turning away from their adoptive family (which rarely happens where relationships are good) and loving one set over another.

With regards to young mothers and adoptions today (and in the last 20 years), it is hard to know as we have a different type/breed of adopter... usually one that wants to pretend the child was never someone else's and therefore they are only protecting their own interests, not necessarily the child's. Not all are like this (eg foster to adopt parents) but sadly, many are and promises are constantly reneged on.

Sophie

My son is my priority and I want to protect him from being hurt in any way shape or form... from anyone. He is only 4, right now though. I believe when he is an adult I would have hoped that I could do all I could when he was younger to help him become an empowered adult, who can take care of himself.

Jackie B

I'm the adoptee here and I think that when adoptive parents do that, it's simply a case of being worried what will happen. One of the overriding things you hear from adoptees is the feeling of abandonment and being unwanted. Maybe they think they are doing the right thing (in their eyes) by shielding them from the hurt they will feel once they find out they're adopted. Perhaps the adoptive parents know more than they are letting on. How do you explain you are the child of a b mom who went on with her life to have more children. Or worse, your b parents kept their older children and gave you up. I think most parents don't want their children to be hurt from all the questions they would most certainly have about their b parents. I don't think most APs have malicious intent, I think they truly think they're doing the right thing and since when has trying to protect your child the wrong thing to do? Their intentions were noble, however misguided. Then there's the flip side where it comes down to an APs insecurities and I think those feelings are probably justifiable. Face it, there's never going to be a right way or a wrong way to disclose adoption to your child. Your child's mentality, family dynamics and your own apprehension all play a part.

Enter Your Message or Comment

User Name:
User Email:
Post a comment: