What do you think about stopping requesting pictures of your adopted child when you are about to have an baby?

realmom lese

Please, please continue with the pictures and letters. I know it is very difficult, but you will regret closing the channels of communication down the road. You do not want this little girl to think you stopped caring. Or that you had another child and love the new one more.

I know it is so difficult for you, I know that the sadness is immense. I know that each picture you see, opens it up and makes it raw again. This is a painful road, but you can't run from it. If you do, it will catch up with you again and again. And in the process you may hurt a little girls feelings.

Having a new baby is triggering emotions, and this is going to be an ongoing thing. When your new baby does something special....like take her first steps......your mind is going to go to your first daughter and the steps you missed. It will make you incredibly sad at times. There is always going to be sadness mingled with the happiness in your life. Things will be bittersweet at times.

Continue the correspondence, remember that you are doing this for both of your girls. You can put pictures and letters you receive aside unopened and look at them on a day that you feel like mourning. Or on days that you feel strong.

Your man......he is just like most people when you talk about adoption. People do not understand unless they live it. And you may never be able to make him understand, so just accept that and know that you will never get over adoption or forget it or be able to put the past to rest.

And there is nothing wrong with that. It is totally natural for you to feel this sadness over your lost child. Your daughters heart is entwined with yours forever. Nothing will change that.

Best of luck. My heart hurts for you.

Corn is not dog food! No wheat!

How about this:

Don't say anything, keep getting the pictures, but put it away without opening any of it. Have a pretty memory box just for those letters/pictures, and put it all away sight unseen. That way the contact is there when you want it, but you can still focus on the new baby.

As for you're man's opinion of putting the past behind you.
It's never going to be behind you.
This is an ongoing part of your life, even if you never see that child again. Think of birthdays, holidays, family reunions...

Bluebee

I think it would be a good idea to write a letter explaining yourself, rather than just seeming to drop off the face of the earth to them. I'm sure they will understand, and when your adopted out baby gets older, perhaps it will be easier to have some sort of relationship with her.

Lori A

I think it's sad for you because its a sad situation period. I wouldn't stop the pic's though. I would put them away for your next child. One day they are going to know they have a sibling out there and those pics might come in handy. As for your man, he hasn't got a clue what this means to you. No disrespect intended but I'm guessing your first child wasn't his child. He will never understand, and that is something you are just going to have to deal with. It doesn't go away. In a few years you may want a connectiion with your other child, or your child may need a connection with you. You still have a responsibility to see to it that your other child gets as much of a normal life as possible. That means knowing who they are and where they are from, having a connection with their first family. Please don't close the door, it's a bad move all the way around. You're going to hurt no matter what, stopping the pics isn't going to change that.

rachael

dont stop the pics. keep getting them and just save them for later. you will regret it if you stop.
as for you focusing on the new baby and 'not the past'.....this brings warning signs to me. i know its hard for anyone that isnt in it to understand, but what happens when you have another? are you to stop your focus and attention on the older one because a new baby is coming? what would he say if the relinquished child was his?

i think your man is a diluted if he thinks this is just going to go away. and i think you will be doing yourself a no favors if you just stop this. as painful as it is for you now...it will be even worse later if you let it go. you will be much better off if you face it and take it in over the years then to turn a blind eye now and have all of this come back later. and i promise you....it will come back.
keep the pics coming. they will be your most prized possessions later on.

hannahmommy

I think a letter is good. It is understandable that it is upsetting you, especially since your having another girl now. If you can't look at the pictures then don't.

Jane

Hmm. I would send her a letter; and I'm guessing she's pretty young. I would send her a heart felt letter she can read when she is older and can understand.

I personally think that you should still send cards and such during the holidays. Such as christmas. And maybe her birthday.

:]

TerraMere

You need to take care of yourself but I would try to leave the lines of communication open. You may want pictures at some later time or the opportunity for a reunion with your daughter. As a parent I would be sad if my son's birth mom did not want to communicate any longer. Your little girl will at some point ask about you and her parents may as part of that discussion say that when she was 3 the requests for pictures stopped. The parents and the child will be left to their own devices to interpret this. Could you simply ask to receive pictures on an annual basis through the adoption agency and ask that they be kept in the file and only sent to you when you request them? Unfortunately it is likely that going "cold turkey" may leave your daughter with the wrong impression

Freckle Face

Dear Nikki,

Right now you are probably very emotional being pregnant but how about 2 or 3 yrs from now?? You might regret stopping the pictures someday. I agree with saving the envelopes and only open them when you are ready.

Congrats on your new baby girl, she should be your focus right now. No matter what you will always have two daughters. I don't think you have to sacrifice one for the other. It is understandable how the birth of your second daughter may be triggering for you but as time passes you might find the strength to continue engaging in your first daughters life too.

Take care of you.

best wishes.

BLW_KAM

No, I don't think he's right. I think he's acting like a man who simply doesn't have a clue. Our daughter's natural mother's ex-husband told her the same thing after he met us for the first time. She stayed away from us and I think it almost broke her heart. Then she divorced him after their son was born.

We maintain a MySpace page so our daughter's mother can see how her daughter's doing without me hovering around and without the full impact of frequent face-to-face visits. Judging from the comments she posts, this seems to be working well for her. Perhaps you could write a letter asking the APs to set up a web page you could visit when you're ready?

I'm an adoptive mom. I've never given birth so I've never felt what you're feeling. I can understand you may need to take a step back, but please don't turn your back on your baby girl. You two will always be a part of each other.

Aimee R

oh that has to be SOOO HARD! I am honestly SO proud of your courage to not abort the baby and to give him/her up to a family that could take care of her/him. It takes a really great person to be able to do that and I don't blame you at all for not wanting to have any pictures sent to you anymore that has to be hard. Write a letter explaining that to the parents they will TOTALLY understand!!! You should focus on the new baby and not be so hard on yourself you did a wonderful thing!

AdoreHim

I would write a letter to the family that adopted your little girl. Also a letter to your daughter would be great as well. Since you had an open relationship with them from the beginning, it would not be good just to stop communicating. I am on the other side, I am an adoptee and an adopted parent- and I would always wonder why no communication,, after we began that way. Congratulations on your new baby by the way. When you write these letters, it could keep the communication open for your daughter finding you later if that is what she and you desire.

icehockeymom7

I think your plan to write a letter is a great idea! It's ok to want to focus on your soon-to-be-born daughter, don't feel guilty about that. But writing a letter to your daughter born in '06 will help her in the future to know and understand that you have never stopped caring about her. Best wishes!

truebluewolf

I would write a letter and keep in touch but maybe keep it minimal. Just know that you did the right thing, many people would have aborted and been done with it. You let your baby have a life and I'm sure you mad e the adoptive parents very happy. Pregnancy is a very emotional time and babies are a lot of work so I guess I agree also to focus on what you have in front of you, just kind of taking one step at a time. I would keep in touch with your child though because life can be a long time and maybe when your first child is an adult you can have a good relationship. I know I am very emotional so I would take a break from requesting pics and such until things settle down with the new baby. Good luck and congratulations.

care-ree =)

I think that despite how hard it may be, you can never stop wondering, but this is a decision you will have to make on your own. Do you really think that it will be better if you stop all contact because when you daughter is born, you will probably think of the one you gave up. I think that while your man is entitled to an opinion, he shouldn't tell you what to do. Your emotions may be pushing you in different directions and your man doesn't really know what you are going through. I think you should try to keep as much contact with her as you can, but if it becomes too unbearable then you can choose to stop later. If you stop now and think and regret it later on, then things will be harder to patch up because she may think the new baby replaced her. Your man might want you to focus on the child now because he doesn't want you to be stress but it may always be due to insecurity that you may love her more than your new baby. In the end it is your decision for both are your children and are entitled to your love even if the way of loving is different.

Lady Grinning Soul

You seem to know that the baby you gave up is in good hands. I am sure the new parents are thrilled by your selfless giving. This decision is based on what you can handle emotionally. You can write a letter. Say that you feel that way now. You may change your mind in the future so consider asking to be updated of any address change they may have. God bless, hon.

Kristy

If it's too painful for you to deal with right now, by all means write a letter explaining this... but please leave lines of communication open. From what I've heard from other birth mothers, this isn't something that goes away. In years to come you may want to again hear news of your daughter; when she gets older, she may want to contact you or ask you questions. You don't want to do anything that will make it uncomfortable for you to re-open contact, or that will make her afraid that she'd be unwelcome.

I'd say, write a letter, explain that you love her and will always care about her and think about her, but that you're still grieving from the decision to give her up and that the pictures and letters just keep that grief fresh. Explain to the parents that you'd prefer they don't send them, at least for a while, and explain to her that... I don't know, but I do think it would be best to reassure her that you love her and always will. And if you can, try to send a card or a letter or something, if only once a year - Christmas or her birthday or something. Just to let her know that you are still there, that you are thinking about her, and that if she ever does need to meet you or talk to you or anything, that you still care.

Annabanana

Write a letter to the adoptive parents and also to your daughter to read when she grows up. Explain your situation and what happened and how you did what you knew was best for her. Let them raise her, and maybe one day you can meet up with her.

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