What do you think of adoption?

anastasia beaverhausen-the real1

the loss of my mother is something i will NEVER recover from.

i also lost my personal history, my medical history, my entire family.

i spent my childhood wondering what was so wrong with me that the woman who carried me could ever, EVER part with me. it made me sick.

i find nothing about adoption appealing. i am sorry you can't have kids. please don't expect your second choice- yes, an adoptee IS your second choice....to make up for YOUR loss.

ETA: DO NOT put words in my mouth. i LOVE my afamily. i DO know my first mother, and an adoptee is NOT your only choice.

you could remain childless. adoption is NOT about you! it's about children who NEED homes. not people who "NEED" children.

PS- you have no CLUE how i feel. so don't even insult me by pretending that you remotely "understand" anything of what i have lived.

***************

i wanted to publicly say i got the nicest letter from the asker, and i wanted to say thank you.....really.

Lori A

I can not relate to being adopted because I never was adopted. I can tell you what it's like from the surrendering mothers side of things. I assume since you want to hear all sides my side counts as well.

I am not against ethical adoption. I am all for adoption reform.

I'm from the tale end of the baby scoop era. I chose adooption to keep my daughter away from my family. She got a good home, great parents and although she didn't get a pony she did get the pool.

I was so releived 28 years later to find out all this stuff.

But for 28 years I went through hell. I suffered in silence as people talked behind by back, whispered in front of my face, called me names, and treated me like dirt.

Shortly after signing the papers I started to hear stories about how not all adoptions are like what I had imagined for my daughter. In fact some of them were stories of the exact same thing I was trying to keep her from. It literally made me sick.

I drank, did drugs, ignored every sign that I was depressed, tried to kill myself, more than once, and could not bring myself to have any more children for almost 20 years after that.

Adoptions back then were closed. That is still an option today, is that what you are looking for?

Are you interested in what happens to your childs parents after you get your baby?

Do you intend to keep in contact with the parents once you get your baby?

Have you thought about sharing the child in the respect of what is best for your child and the parents?

As for your family: some will and some won't.

ETA: Yeah don't listen to women who claimed they were coerced, after all, children are not taken for no good reason.
I know all about it because I have a friend who has a sister and I know a couple with a kid who shows no signs of trama. I'm an expert on women who claim coercion, trama, and what was it about the sisters friend oh yeah she kept her baby, how does that figure in here?

Go ahead and report me again. I still say you need a reality check.

Mei-Ling

First off, let me expression very clearly that I am not against all forms of adoption. I support adotion in cases of neglect and abuse (hey, maybe that should be my disclaimer!). NO child deserves to be abused and/or neglected. Period.

I don't hate the fact that I am adopted.

I hate what I had to go through *before* being adopted.

Adoption is a miracle, for the adoptive parents, for the children (in most cases), for siblings, etc.

And tell me, what exactly do the original parents gain?

Most of the time, nothing. Wait - does grief, trauma and sorrow count? If it does, that's hardly worth being called a 'gain.' (And for the record, my mother never knew what became of me until I contacted her - that's over two DECADES worth of grief.)

No, I did not have a rotten childhood. No, I did not have sh*tty adoptive parents. No, I did not have a crappy upbringing.

I just don't like that I had to lose something in order to become adopted. I recommend the blog entries; they will explain my perspective a lot more clearly and quickly than if I were to write out a novel comment on here.

http://sisterheping.wordpress.com/2008/09/29/better-off-i-doubt-that/

http://sisterheping.wordpress.com/2008/09/25/you-cant-have-this/

http://sisterheping.wordpress.com/2008/09/18/is-it-really-that-simple/

tazzie04

My daughter gave my grandson up for adoption 2 years ago. I was devastated, but I had to support my daughter. She has three other children, and abortion was not an option. My Sister and I, both said we would raise the baby, but she wanted him to go to a family, who couldn't have children of their own. We went to California to wait for my daughter to give birth. The couple adopting my grandson,treated my daughter with so much love and support, that they made what could have been a heartbreaking experience, a joyful one. And I will love them for that, for the rest of my life. My daughter has an open adoption, and it is getting easier for her as well. We e-mail every day, and we exchange pictures, and telephone calls. They want my grandson, to know his birth mother, as soon as he is able to understand. So my only advise to you is, if you have an open adoption, don't shut the birth mother, or her family out. Because when a child knows the truth about where he comes from, you get a happy well adjusted child. And that's what really matters. Good luck to you!

BLW_KAM

I am the mother of a beautiful girl who is now nine years old. We went through a formal adoption agency in Illinois where it took fifteen months to be approved and three months after that our daughter joined our family.

My father initially told me he would have troubles accepting the child as his granddaughter because she didn't share his genes. His opinion vanished the instant he saw her.

We didn't initially start the adoption process because we wanted to help a child. We started for the reasons many people start, because we wanted to be parents and mother nature wasn't cooperating. But the further we got into it, the more we realized that there are children who don't have a solid foundation. We made the choice to adopt a special needs infant because we knew we could provide her with a home that was filled with love and we were committed to help her through her issues.

We have an open adoption by choice. We wanted our child to have as much information as she could about who she was and where she came from. I could not live with the thought of a woman out there somewhere who would never know what happened to her baby, so openness was the only way to go.

She's nine now. She has beat the odds and is thriving. She is aware of almost every aspect of her adoption and knows her birth mother, her siblings and her extended blood family.

We would do it again in a heartbeat, if it weren't for the fact that we're aging and it takes our combined energy just to keep up with one child!

younggirl52

hey
I was adopted and im extremely happy that i was and i do wonder what my life would of been and why wish you would of never been adopted because what happens if they are poor then right now you could be living on the streets or having a terrible life.. and also i dont think anyone will judge you are not like the child just because he/she is adopted.. and personally i think people who are adopted and think they have bad lives is because they werent givin a good family and i guess i was just lucky enough to get a great family

Rowan

I am so sorry you cannot have children. I was adopted a a very young age, by two wonderful parents. While, on first finding out i was adopted, i was upset,(being only 7 and not understanding what it really meant) my parents were there for me. They never made me feel unloved. or like i was second best or anything.
The key thing to remember when you are adopting, is to never make your child feel as if you only adopted because you cannot have children. To love that child. I get a sense that you will be a good mother to any child. Also, if you go for an open adoption, keep it open. Depending on the situation. A child will need to know its medical history, in case of certain illnesses.

Kim Y

(Original answer removed by poster)
101608 5:52

I choose to withdrawl my original answer. Most people apparently are very heated in this panel, and are very cruel, most especially to the lady who posted the question.

Madam poster: Repeated apologies are not necessary. Persons who are not willing to KINDLY educate you to the complexity of adoption are not being fair. After a point, they owe YOU apology!

101608 6:58

Another Post-Note:
Most of the persons answering are focused on spouting out lots of anger. Anger at being adopted; anger for not knowing things; anger for feeling angry.
Well, I empathsize up to a point.
Just up to a point.
Adults who adopt children have many personal reasons, but the PRIMARY reason is to have a child to love, to give a better home to, to share life with. And in some cultures, adopted children are treated with more PRIVILEDGE over their own natural children.
Perhaps because my hubby was 'obligated' to visit with his natural mother up to 12 yrs old (during the time his adopted mother was going to court over & over to severe his ties to his natural mom), he knew how mentally ill his birth mom was and was unable to bond with her. He was finally fully adopted by his "new" mom at 16 yrs old. He loves his adopted Mom, and his natural mom was just that - the lady who gave birth to him.
And this is why my hubby has never had any anger toward his adoption. He is thankful, in fact. He is sad that his adopted mom never married (by choice), so he never had a dad... so today my dad he calls "DAD" and has a better relationship with him than my own brothers.
So, it's up to the individual adoptee as how they "reacte" to their own adoptive situation. Either it's embraced, or it's rejected. It's still a choice to be angry or get over it. Leave the anger to God! Make good from this point forward.

Madam Poster: I find your reasons as NOBLE, and I support you. Please don't be discouraged by the rantings of the folks here who spite you for what you are trying to contemplate to undertake. They do NOT know you; they have NO right to judge you. Go to God in prayer, and He will guide you as to the path you should go.

101708 9:05

crazychickizback

oh jeez...get ready for rant-a-palooza! Please take what the people on here against adoption say with a grain of salt. Especially the birth mothers claiming they were coerced. Remember that a child isn't taken without a good reason. My friend's sister had a baby at i think 17, and she kept her! I probably can't have children either. Whether or not I adopt depends on several factors- If I can't have kids, but have eggs, my mom has offered to carry my child for me. I also may ask a cousin who looks a lot like me if she would consider donating an egg, also to be carried by my mother. If that wont work, I will be adopting. Adoption can be a wonderful thing- I know a couple who adopted a little boy from Chile and he's just the happiest little child, no trauma, etc. He obviously knows he's adopted, as his family are milk-white. I do think domestic adoptions are better- easier, not as crushingly expensive, you can get an infant (the birth mother has a whole year to change her mind in other countries), and many other things. Good luck adopting!

jack_asseldorf

Adoption is great when it is done by straight people only and they only stick to adopting within their own race.

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