What if an adoptee's birth parents dont want to meet with them?

Lillie

What happens? Well, obviously, nothing happens. The adopted ADULT makes contact, the n-parent says no thank you, end of story.

This happened to me in my reunion - my father, for some reason, didn't want to meet me or have anything to do with me. (Odd, considering he and my mother got married after they gave me up and had another child, and his entire family and my mother and her family all embraced me when I made contact) but, what could I do but respect his wishes?

About ten years after the initial reunion with everyone else, he did change his mind, however, and we did finally meet. I am glad he did, because he passed away the following winter.

Adoptees meeting their n-parents is no different than any other two people meeting on the street. We all decide who we want to associate with and who we don't want to. Just because we happen to be parent and child who were separated by adoption, so what?

Heather B

A very low percentage of parents never want to see their child - ever.

This small proportion of parents are free to deny a relationship just as any other citizen who lives in a democracy can. We have freedom of association and we have the freedom to choose with whom we have or do not have relationships with.

This question highlights the anti adoptee stigma that permeates adoption - that adoptees are in some way suspicious people capable of causing harm! You cannot place a restraining order on anyone who has done nothing to warrant it.

I hope this stigma and suspicion of adoptees will fizzle and die in this lifetime.

ETA: An example: My ex boyfriend from years ago finds me and contacts me and wants to talk and I don't want to have anything to do with him. Do I HAVE to see him? No I don't. He has the freedom to contact whomever he wishes.

Possum

My mother is currently not coping with my reemergence into her life.
She is trying to pretend that I don't exist - as it's all too painful for her to relive what went on - as her mother sent her away - she was told not to return with 'that' baby - me.
She never had counselling. She wasn't even allowed to talk about her grief.

How do I feel about that??
It hurts like hell.
But ultimately we can't make anyone do anything they don't want to do.
She's missing out on meeting me, and my three gorgeous daughters - her granddaughters.
Her loss.
I wish she could face me.
But I can't make her.

Do I wish I never searched??
Absolutely not.
I've found my truth - I've found some siblings - I'm in contact with my father - I've found the reasons why - I've found answers to things that I dwelled on for over 30 years.

Do I think what she's doing is right?
Hell no. No mother should give away a child and just pretend it never happened. It hurts being given away as a baby/child - it hurts 10 times more to be rejected again as an adult.
To ignore or reject your own child - is cruel.
But life often doesn't work out the way we want it to.

*sigh*

monkeykitty83

No one can force anyone to meet with them.

The adoptee can contact the parents and ask for a meeting. You're free to contact anyone you want. But if the parents refuse contact, that's the end of it, and it can't be forced.

The parents can avoid it by just saying no.

Star

Can't do anything if they do not wish to see the child.Their loss.

Linny G

Sure they can. You just show up on their porch with a hobo stick and say, "Hi, Mom, I'm home!"

Seriously? This question is ridiculous. Why would adoptees be ANY different than anyone else when it comes to meeting some one.

If YOU wanted to meet someone & they did not want to see you, what would you do? Show up at their door? Call them 17 times a day & send them MySpace messages? That's called stalking.

If a n family member does not want contact, they say so. It hurts like he!! to be rejected again, but it's their loss. They cannot deal with reality, for whatever reasons, and the adoptee has no choice but to deal with it.

Mei-Ling

Of course an adoptee's birthparents shouldn't be "forced" to allow contact or meet with them - if the parents don't *want* to meet.

It's just a matter of respect.

Crucio

A meeting would have to go both ways one can not force anyone to meet them. The rejected person would just have to accept this and go on with their life. Perhaps one day their birthparents might change their mind but they might not.

This can go both ways not all adoptees want to meet their birthparents/family.

Carol c

Of course you have to respect the wishes of a parent who doesn't wish to meet. Research shows that more than 95% of mothers who lost children to adoption want to someday meet their children. They may have said they didn't at the time of the surrender, but that was more than likely because it was too painful.

I also think it important to keep in mind that if a bparent doesn't want contact it is about their need to keep something so painful or embarrassing a secret. It has nothing to do with the adoptee himself but usually more about thinking that other people in their lives such as a spouse, children, etc. will think less of them.

I would just make sure the bparent had my contact information; perhaps a card every year on mother's day or Chrismas to let her know you are thinking of her. People change - you never know and if/when she does you want to make sure she can get back in touch.

anastasia beaverhausen-the real1

i think it's too damn bad. they shouldn't have given birth.

wac0madness

this is weird because normally its the other way round...but if someone didn't want to see you would you force them to...i think after the child found out they'd give up [ hopefully ] its the parents lose. but i don't think the child would push it.

wac0madness

Emilee K

I think the people that can really give the best perspective are the adoptee and the birth parents - I can't imagine on either end what the other must feel like.

But I do agree that people have the freedom to make contact with someone just as people have the same rights not to have contact with other people.

Sometimes even freedoms don't fit neatly into a package.

Clare

If they don't want to meet there child in the Future they would chose an closed adoption. Which means they can not meet or share any information between families.

smiley :-)

of the child somehow finds any details and address/telephone number then i do suppose it was left for a reason.
also the child legally has to be 16/18(depends where)
and consider this,the real parents (mom/dad,whoever had given the child away) may not want a reminder of the past,or....they might be happy to see the child after so many years.
remember,hurtful words are in the past,personally i think if the child is curious and it can happen then i dont see the harm(unless to self,emotionally) in meeting their real parent.
adding to that,if the child goes to the house straight then take other ppl into mind,because maybe the mom/dad had kids themselves since the adoption and it will be a huge surprise to see their child.
So just be pretty low key at the beginning as i guess you are the child?...
xoxo hope that helped:)

karcnr

If the birth parents don't want their information revealed to their child, they can make that known and the records will be sealed.

Enter Your Message or Comment

User Name:
User Email:
Post a comment: