What (if any) lessons can adoptees learn from their adoption?

PhilM

* If people love you enough, they will abandon you.

* I am special because I was chosen. By parity of reasoning, I must also be flawed because I was relinquished.

* Live every second as if you would have been aborted. Because apparently that was the alternative.

* God isn't powerful enough to put me where He wanted me the first time around.

* People are like puppies (or kittens). Everyone wants them when they are small and cute. When they get older, bigger, and start standing up for themselves, people want them to be quiet and quit complaining.

* It's okay you were hurt, because not everyone is.

* If you don't feel loss, it never, ever happened.

* You can know you had a better life without ever knowing a thing about the life you would have had.

I might be able to come up with others.

almost human

I learned:

to always look to my own flaws first
to not be afraid to admit my flaws to my children
to not be afraid to tell my children, "i'm sorry."
to trust my children
to respect my children's innate intelligence
to value every moment with them
to let them speak their minds and own their emotions
to think critically about the forces that shape us
to not accept the things that oppress us
to engage the things i do not understand
to embrace life and be passionate about it

thank you, mom and dad,
for being self absorbed racists and abusing me and making me an alien in this country. i might not have learned these lessons were it not for these trials you put me through.

my children thank you too.

Mei-Ling

What I learned as a *child*: (Obviously does not apply to the adult me)

- relinquishment = love
- being special and chosen also means you were "unchosen" by someone else
- your heritage isn't important; people only provide the links because it's expected of them to at least provide you with knowledge of your own ethnicity - otherwise they wouldn't have bothered because it's not a "genuine" interest
- if my mother loved me, she wouldn't have given me away
- never speak negatively of adoption lest you make adults become uncomfortable
- the ONLY alternative is living on the streets, eating out of a dumpster, or living with biologically-related people who just didn't care about you
- don't trust people. ever. because they will make assumptions based on your facial experience (ie. "ching chang chong!")

Laurel J

That the universe is a disorderly place.
That when people plan to use the word "love" in a conversation, they ought first to agree on a definition for it.
That alienation is exhausting and can keep you from doing things you might otherwise have been able to do.
That alienation can be a rich source of creativity.
That since I controlled nothing then, I must control everything now.
That it is better to be alone than in bad company.
That being related to nothing does not prevent me from being related to everything.

~*BB*~

I learned to not trust the "system".
In my case, my biological mother died of cancer. I was told that leagally....no one could adopt me until the police did a full investigation in trying to find my biological father and one was done but everyone who knew who he was and where he was wouldn't come forward. So I got adopted. Now I find out that no such investegation happened, and there is a few people who know where my biological father might be and that before she died my mother made video tapes for me. My adoptive parents didn't tell me the truth, I had to find that out from one of my biological mother's friends.
I love my adoptive parents for doing what they did and taking me in, but it wasn't their decision to try and hide my past from me.

My best friend and her 11 brothers and sisters were also all adopted. A few of them were seriously screwed by the system, I'm not going to go into their personal stories, but lets just say adoptive parents aren't screened anymore because the people those kids ended up with are complete psychos.

sunny

What I learned as an adopted child:

Control is an illusion, NOTHING is as it seems, and that the world is not an innocent, wonderful place, there is a dark underbelly.

All this while non-adopted kids were wondering about Santa, and what he would bring them.

sweetjane

Depends on the adoptee. A perfect, white infant can learn that she/he can be bought for a price and that coercion is a bad thing. She can learn that her mother loved her very much, but was told that she wouldn't be able to raise or care for a child....or she was made to feel guilty/like a bad mother for wanting to keep her child. She can learn that her AP's spent thousands of dollars to get her, and are 'proud' of the 'heroic' choice her natural mother made. Or, she may completely not care less. An international adoptee often can't learn much of anything, as their records are not provided and their history/background is OFTEN dismissed, ignored, kept secret, or changed to meet the needs/wants of the agencies and/or the adoptive parents. Sometimes, IA's can learn that they were purchased at a time when it was hip and cool to get a kid from overseas....or that they were adopted because mom and dad couldn't wait in line for aa perfect white infant, but didn't want a black or hispanic kid, so Asians and Russians are pretty acceptable. Or they can decide that it is irrelevant and that they don't care about their past, their family, thier medical and background info. An abused and/or neglected child in foster care can learn that, sometimes, people who love us can hurt us beyond repair; that, sometimes, permenant separation is the only option. Or they can dismiss all of the heartache and pain and separation, and just 'live in the moment'. It is really up to the person.

rachael

personally, from my life.....that you do not need blood and genetics to be a family.
that-SOMETIMES- people are willing to sacrifice themselves and their happiness to ensure the safety of their children. even if that means not having them in their lives.
that differences CAN make you stronger and agreeing to disagree can make you a better more understanding person all around.
the love of a parent never ever goes away, even through distance and time.

from my other adoptee friends, that have had different stories....
the system is a pathetic excuse for a legal, ethical institute.
that 'little white lies' told to protect someone from the truth is never helpful. EVER
just because you are in denial of what happened does not mean it didnt happen.
adoptees are legally considered second class and are ripped away from their roots to 'protect' someone else.

i have tons more, but to be honest....the whole thing just makes me so angry i can feel my blood pressure rising as i type. so i will leave it as is for now

SJM

I learned that blind trust is the basis for deception. It's a lesson that extends well beyond the single issue of adoption.

Anha S

I learned to love history, and learning about different cultures, languages, and traditions. I wasn't firmly rooted as a child, so I explored others' roots.

I learned that if theres a way that something can be ignored, it usually will be.

I've learned that people will go to amazing lengths in the name of selfishness

I learned that I was "special" and "chosen" but somehow came after everything else.

I learned submission and stuffing my feelings so others would be comfortable.

I learned that family has many definitions, some bad, some good.

I learned in a really chaotic and painful way just how resilient I am.

I learned the art of fantasy and imagination.

I learned just how important home and a sense of belonging is to me

Beth K

The name Mom/Dad is not a right given because you helped spawn or give birth to a child. It is earned over the course of band-aids, parent/teacher conferences, middle of the night hugs when scary monsters appear in a dream, it is waking up too early Christmas morning and going to sleep to late on Christmas eve. It is about memories, love, time, energy, money. Just because you help bring a child into this world does not give the immediate right to be called a parent - it is the effort you put forth.

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