What, if anything, would you have done differently?

Sly

I would have had the abortion that my father wanted to arrange for me. I knew the abortionists daughter in school, a physician who did them on the side. I could have gotten one, albeit illegally. My son also wishes that I had done that. Silly me, I wanted to raise my son!

Flying Monkey #073177

I would have searched for my fmom sooner. At least I know she would have supported me in raising my son instead of constantly trying to force adoption on us even after he was born.

Dark_Fire_Angel

There is only really one thing i would change but i still dont know if thats even possible. I choose open adoption and i went to a place to learn alittle more about it and they showed me this video about women who were in the process of doing open adoption. I knew the emotion i would feel in the begining. But i had this stupid notion that it would get better with time but it doesnt your emotions are always changing and just when you think you got them figured out brand new ones come into play its never ending. So many birthmoms ive talked with say the same thing it's been years since i place my baby in adoption i know i made the right choice but why am i still hurting why wont this pain ever get better. I wish i knew what I might have to face years down the road cause they talk about the first few months i wanna know about the first few years.

Freckle Face

Hi Phillipa,

When discussing our "open" adoption, I would have asked her what exactly she wanted. Instead I told her we would give her whatever she wanted. As time passed, I never knew what she wanted. Monthly picts, weekly picts, picts every six months, yearly visits, monthly visits, no visits......everything is a big question mark. Of course, whenever i empty my camera i send photos onto her, how could i not? I never get a response but they aren't sent back.

--------------------------------------...

Here's the part that gets me in touble.......ah, i'm such a trouble maker.

I can not picture motherhood without all of my children and i could never ever wish any of my children away. I just can't.

If i was able to place all of that aside, I would have adopted through foster care. Especially now years later. DD's mother has given up custody of her two children she was raising. Although her family assures me DD's adoption has nothing to do with this, there is still a huge knot in my gut. I worry about her daily. I feel like we have destroyed this poor woman.

Personally, I want her to move in with us. I want to take in her other two children and co-parent with her until she gets back on her feet. I want to do right by her. I don't know how to voice all of this to her without coming across i am some how "better" than her. I have told her family we are here to help in any way but they too have cut off contact for now:(

Mei-Ling

I would have pressed my amom further for any possibility that they had pictures, and if I had known...

I would have perhaps tried to recontact my family sooner.

But then again, if that scenario had ever happened, I would have found out about my kept sister during my childhood instead, and I'm not sure how well I would have handled it.

MamaKate

I would have not let L. & D. have T. & L. and found some other way to help them deal with their infertility.

Lori A

I would not have lied about her father name on her birth certificate. Even if she does get a copy one day, it will still be false, and I don't think there is anything I can do to change it now.

Kazi

I'm an adoptive mom of 2: my daughter is from China and my son was adopted from foster care. For my daughter's adoption, I think I would have spent more time in China prior to her adoption. Not just as tourist, but actually living there. I know of some adoptive parents who stayed in China for a couple of months and it was a profound experience not just for them, but they firmly believed it allowed them to connect and understand their children better.

aloha.girl59

I'm an AP.

I DID think to ask my son's social worker for pictures of his first mom, and for that I am grateful. The pictures were taken during one of his visits with her at DCFS so they are as recent as possible.

I wish I had gotten a copy of his OBC. I had no idea then that records were sealed after adoption. I wish we'd been told or just somehow KNEW that prior to finalizing our son's adoption.

I wish I'd asked the social worker to do an interview with my son's nmom. I have some information about her but I'm not sure how much of it is true and how much of it was fabricated by the social worker (she was a piece of work)! I'd love to know more about my son's nmom so that I could tell him more about her than that she loves cats and Mexican food. :(

I wish I'd just been better educated about adoption: loss, grief, searching, reunion, open/closed records, sibling registries...
Some of it is my fault because I didn't want to believe that my son could ever need or want more than ME. Some of it is just that I wasn't informed by DCFS, our social worker, our son's social worker, or anyone else.

Sofiakat

I would have insisted that an open adoption arrangement could be made in the future if my kids' mom were drug free. It's been three years now and I think about her all time. If she were drug free, I do not see why we could not have an open adoption. It is hard for my son to heal without her. How do you heal a relationship when one person is missing?

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