What is a good age to explain to a child you adopted that he is adopted?

spydermomma

I can tell you love him very much and want the best for him. The best for him is to know his truth, even if it hurts. Of course you have to be age appropriate, but 5 year olds can understand a lot (I have a 4.5 year old).

I completely understand your wanting to protect him from pain and hurt. We all want that for our children. It isn't possible though. The world is full of pain as well as joy, and we can't protect them from one without shutting out the other as well. The best we can do is to tell our children the truth about the world, in a caring way -- and then be there for them to hold them while they cry, to calm their fears, to answer their questions.

And the thing is, he already knows. If he saw his mom until he was 3 and his father even longer, he still remembers them at 5. So this actually shouldn't be that hard. What I would suggest that you do is get out some pictures of them, especially of him with them. Then get a book about adoption, I think for this situation Mr. Rogers' book >Lets talk about it: Adoption< (link below) would be a nice, neutral book that doesn't put another child's story in place of his own. Read the book and tell him that he was adopted. Show him the pictures of his mother and father and tell him who they are. You can explain it in terms of other children he knows whose mothers he has seen pregnant with younger siblings. (You might want a book about where babies come from on hand as well. One I really like for this age is >It's not the Stork< (link below).) Ask him what he remembers about his mother and father. Listen to what he says -- and what he doesn't say. Answer his questions. Love him and hold him and let him experience whatever feelings come up. Don't push, but sit quietly with him through a little squirming (I'm sure you're used to that!), to make sure he isn't trying to protect you from his sad feelings (or whatever feelings).
Then do all this again, a couple times a week or so, for a month or more, and then less or more frequently, following his lead.

Leave an album with pictures of his mom and dad and him (not originals), where he can look at them any time. If you made a very basic Lifebook telling the story of his life before he was born, with his first family, and how he came to be with you, that would be even better. A basic way to explain it would be that his parents could not take care of >any< baby right then, because of grownup problems in their own lives, and that there was nothing he did to cause the problems and nothing he could have done to fix them. A good site to find out about making a lifebook is Beth O'Malley's and she has books and other guides also:
http://www.adoptionlifebooks.com/lifebookqa.htm

At some point you may want to bring in stories about adoption. There are some wonderful children's books about adoption. And there are some less wonderful ones. I have read both to my daughter (well, not the ones I hated) and then the ones that resonate I have bought. Sometimes what I like isn't what she likes. She tends to want to read ones that bring up difficult emotions and really happy ones, at different times. So I suggest going to a larger library near you and asking the chidren's librarian there for recommendations. Here are a couple of Amazon lists to get you started as well.
http://www.amazon.com/Childrens-books-about-adoption/lm/R2EWXTTR70H3EK/ref=cm_lmt_dtpa_f_1_rdssss0?pf_rd_p=253462201&pf_rd_s=listmania-center&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_i=0698116259&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_r=13CQNJRPJ2GXTY9XG1SW
http://www.amazon.com/Books-Will-Read-Adopted-Child/lm/R13TNTQN45TZ7A/ref=cm_lmt_dtpa_f_3_rdssss0?pf_rd_p=253462201&pf_rd_s=listmania-center&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_i=0698116259&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_r=13CQNJRPJ2GXTY9XG1SW

And let me say one thing about the hard stuff. He may have no conscious memory of his father hitting him with a stick (then again he might), but sadly he still has that memory inside him. It will hurt for that memory to come out, undoubtedly, but it will hurt more the longer it is suppressed. It is so hard to see little ones hurt, I know, but it will be much, much harder for him to face the pain for the first time as a pre-teen or teenager. It isn't something for you to bring up at this age, of course, but it is something you should be prepared to face head on if/when he brings it up. It might help for you to do some journaling about this, and to practice or even role-play what you might say.

A lot of this might seem daunting now, because you haven't done it before. It probably won't be that hard once you jump in and do it. Small kids are usually remarkably straightforward about adoption if you are matter of fact about it. You CAN do this. And there is no time like the present.

Best wishes.

IDK!!

from birth

Katie

Never deny it. It's better if they grow up knowing than asking questions and never getting any answers.

Gaia Raain

From birth onward. If you missed that boat, please make sure your child has LOTS of support. It's going to be really hard to take in that information at a later date.

anastasia beaverhausen-the real1

hmmmm.......let's see. ummmmm.............hmmm.

oh wait! i KNOW!

"THE TRUTH!"

DevonChaos

You have to be honest. Even if he can't fully understand this now, he will be able to when he is older. Just let him know that you are not the woman who gave birth to him, but you are the one who is caring for him. Please let him know that he was loved by everyone involved, and don't ever say negative things about his first family.

Randy B

Both of my adopted children are a different race then my wife and I so keeping their adoption "hidden" was never a practical option nor was it an option for us ethically. My oldest daughter, who will be 16 shortly, knew she was adopted from the beginning. Our youngest adopted daughter is too young to talk to about this (she's 9 months old at this time) but we will do the same with her. Open and honest talk about it in an age appropriate way as she grows older will be how we proceed.

In my own case, there was no race issue between myself and my parents but they did the same from the time I was old enough to understand. It was never beaten into me but it was always a subject open for discussion in an honest way and that was the best thing for me.

I'd say, start once he is old enough to understand (now) and do it in a gentle, age appropriate way for the lil guy. Keep it positive and by that I mean don't bash birth parents in any way and let him know he can ask what ever questions he wants.

chielu c

Randy B wrote: "Keep it positive and by that I mean don't bash birth parents in any way and let him know he can ask what ever questions he wants. :

Er, Randy, dear, I don't think the questions are the problem--it's the answers. That's the thing with adoption, a child can ask and ask and ask who and where his parents are, but dang, nobody will tell him!

Lover

Now I'm not a counselor or anything, but I think that it would be a good idea to start now. Only because there's ways to progress it so that by the time he's older, he'll be comfortable and just see this as his life. Start out explaining simple things using words that a 5 year old could understand. Like, your real mommy and daddy wanted you to be with a nice family so I'm going to let you stay here for a while. And as he gets older, you can explain more and more in detail, so that he understands more and more. Plus, when he gets to be about my age (13) he'll learn more in school like in health class and it DOES come up. Then he'll really understand and just be happy and understanding. Hope this helps :)

Serenity71

you could make him a life book telling his story. (Leave out the abuse until he's older, unless he asks about it. I mean from the book.) Use lots of pictures and simple language. That way at story time you can read it to him, in time he can read it himself and its an opening for Q&A.

It sounds like its been a long journey thus far for all of you.

All the best.

monaj99

I have 5 year old adopted twins and they have always known they are adopted as far as we have always used the word in front of them and told them there birth story over and over again as any child loves to hear theirs. I feel if the child is asking questions that they should be given answers. The answer should be simple and short just as the question is. Please do not be uncomfortable with the question or he will pick up on it and may stop asking them. Good luck.

Kate

I was adopted as a baby. My parents always had one or two books about adoption mixed in with my other books that I flipped through now and then. I never really understood how the books applied to me, it was just never an issue. My parents were my parents, they took care of me and loved me and that's all I knew and was concerned with. Whatever you do, just don't keep it a secret. It is nothing to be ashamed of. I would suggest not giving him details about abuse until he is out of high school. All he needs to know is that he has a family who loves him very much, and he is no different from any other boy who has a family who loves him. Go to Barnes and Noble and check out their children's literature, there are bound to be books available about adoption for children. Good luck :)

yeahright

Be truthful but age appropriate

reneaumommy

Tell him he has 2 mothers. He grew in his other mothers belly and she took care of him for a while. When she wasn't able to care for him anymore she asked you if you would be his new mom.

Age appropriate explaination

Doctor

Start now. I always new when i joined her as a toddler. Later you tell, more confusing it is.

Lil' Dog

I would think it would depend on the questions that he is asking. He may only want simple information. If he asks who his daddy/mommy is say "Roger & Kate gave birth to you, but Papa and I are your mommy and daddy."

Romeo::: ~

when he'z mature...??

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