What is so bad about adoption?

MamaKate

Dear Ellen,

I think it is FABULOUS that you are considering adopting from foster care!! Children in foster care are often overlooked by perspective adoptive parents and often, these are the children who are truly IN NEED OF A LOVING AND SAFE HOME. Kudos to you for thinking about them first! It is not a bad idea AT ALL. In fact, it's a GREAT idea!

People here are not against adoption per se, just against some of the practices (coercion of expectant mothers, $40K "fees" on the heads of babies, altered birth certificates, sealed records, etc.). These people are often confused for being "anti-adoption" when they are, in fact, "pro-adoption reform".

I hope you will stick around and learn more about adoption so that you can help prepare yourself for your potential future child! I wish you the very best of luck and hope that a child who needs you finds you when the time is right!! :)

PhilM

My new standard answer:

As an adoptee, I want people to understand that adoption is a very complicated proposition, rife with emotional pitfalls. I have never felt unequivocally happy about my adoption, even while I love my adoptive parents. Why? Because adoption starts with loss. The one person in the whole world who should have loved the child and cared for him or her more than anything in the world either couldn't or wouldn't. That's a loss. That loss needs to be acknowledged by society, and it rarely is.

In most adoptions, when the adoption finalizes, the birth certificate is changed to something that is a lie. Mine says that my (adoptive) mother gave birth to me. But that is simply false. And my original birth certificate is then sealed away forever out of my sight. People on a daily basis tell me that I should be grateful for having parents who loved me, as though I didn't deserve love and care. We even get asked if we would rather have been aborted, as though grieving our loss is somehow impermissible because we could have lost more. Adoptees and their perspectives (please note the plural - I am not saying there is only one perspective from adoptees) are often marginalized. We have little voice in the discussion.

Until society is willing to have an honest discussion about the effects of adoption on children (the ones that adoption is supposed to help), I (and many others) will speak out about it, and will be called "fringe" and worse.

Rowan

I don't think anyone here truly dislikes adoption itself, its the current and past practices that were used against women in the past, to get them to give up their babies.

Coercion happened, that much is evident.

BOTZ

Uh, I think you might have missed the point of a few of the answers...or you might have added your additional details before you got some of these answers.

The "rehoming" is traumatic, too. Extremely. I was adopted as an infant and I AM STILL adopted today. Adoption is not an event, something that happens once and is over. I live every day of my life (I am 36 years old) knowing that I was NOT raised by my own mother and three kids after me were. I live every day knowing that I caused her pain (inadvertently...by existing). She lives every day knowing that she caused me pain (unintentionally...by sending me away when she didn't really want to). We both live each day knowing we can't have back the life we SHOULD have had as mother and daughter.

Babies are NOT born as blank slates. We feel, hear, smell, and KNOW our mothers when we are born, and before (all of us...even the non-adopted). We WANT our own mother every moment of our infancy, starting at birth. When OUR mommy is not available, and we are handed to a stranger (as I was), we know the difference. We can tell this is the "wrong" person and we are not happy about it. It's a trauma.

So, the "rehoming", as you put it, is a constant reminder that something is not right. Much can be done to mitigate that but NOTHING can be done to take it away -- to remove the trauma as if it never happened. Ignoring it is the worst possible thing that can be done (by both the adoptee and the adoptive parent(s)).

As others have, I too commend you for thinking about adopting from foster care. Until the 'system' is fixed, until the money is spent (by politicians and others) in the correct ways and places, until abuse can end without destroying the abuser, until we live in a 'perfect world', those kids who are available for adoption in the foster system are those who TRULY need a home. Who need loving parents who are adopting for them, the kids, not for selfish reasons.

Do some more research. Learn all you can. If it works for you and you are SURE the child who will come to you NEEDS a family and you are sure you can deal with their trauma and respect both their past and their original family (really, truly respect...not just pay lip service to) then do it. We need more parents for the children -- in foster care -- who really do need a home.

Take care!

jennygirl7983

I think adoption is great. There are so many children out there that need good homes. If that is what you want to do I say go for it. Good luck and God bless.

waiting

My husband & I are going to adopt. I think this is a wonderful way to give back a life to a child that has been hanging on. Why would anyone want a child to live in a Children's Home forever? They need a family too. If they are in foster care, they do not have a family to turn to for advice, love, or support. Go ahead give them a chance of a real home. Pray & God will guide you thru the rest.

Pinky

I have read several answers where adoptees have emotional problems over being adopted. Apparently they feel rejected by their birth parents. I, on the other hand am so extremely grateful for my family. My 2 older brother, my half sister and I are all adopted. My sister and I are the only ones who are related. I was found in a foster home and I know that my (adoptive) parents fought for 2 years with my grandparents for me. In the end my grandparents had the foresight to see that life with my parents would be better (my father is a lawyer and brought in more than enough to support us all). I lived a privileged life and I have learned so much from my parents about the importance of family. If I had not been adopted I would never have met my husband nor had my beautiful baby boy.

Because of my parents my husband and I plan to adopt our next 2 children. I want two little girls (I want the kind of relationship with my daughters that my mom had with me and my sister) or a sister and a brother (either way I want to adopt siblings). I think adoption is great, and if you have the chance to offer a child without a family you should do it.

ladedamom

Adoption is NOT wrong or a bad idea. Don't let people who talk badly dissuade you from this, be it from foster care or another adoption avenue. I find usually people here that hate on those who have adopted or that say how bad it is either base every single adoption situation one their one bad experience so they generalize it to everyone OR because they have no clue what they are really talking about they just want to jump on a band wagon so to speak. Ignore them. Don't let a few angry or bitter people about their own situations dissuade you from allowing yourself to adopt and love a child in your family that was not biologically born to you. Contrary to popular belief, the majority of adoptees (and I know many myself personally as well both family and friends) grow up normally, well adjusted individuals. There may be some that had bad experiences due to an adoption history or family situation but it isn't the same with everyone. Besides, you could have a biological child and have a lousy situation there as well just as much as you could have something wonderful.
Most people here confuse advocating for adoptee rights to their original birth documents and things with being "adoption is evil" as a result. There is a difference between advocating for change in an area and attacking people for adopting. There are also many people in the process that find it corrupt because of agencies that charge ridiculous fees for completeing an adoption with a family. It is unfortunate that they charge what they do because they don't realize what an inhibitor that is to families who would be able to provide and adopt when they hear "$30,000 to completion". That is something I do think needs to change, and drastically so. When I adopted my son my husband and I went privately with a lawyer. We still had all the red tape but we found it interesting that we only had to pay the court fees that amounted to about $300 at the end and our attorney which after the paid legal that my husbands work provided to cover it came to about $1000 out of our pocket for the difference that was left. Amazing how they can do it for that much and agencies have nerve to charge five figures that are huge for the same thing.

!~LaNnY BeLL~!

I truly think adoption is one of the most wonderful things you can do for a child ! I know that it is great because my aunt and uncle just adopted my new cousin from Africa ! she is 10 years old and had been up for adoption since she was born because her mother couldn't take care of her and died and her dada just disappeared when she was born !
My new cousin is one of the greatest people you will ever meet ! She is fun and loving and was so greatful to be adopted !
do you know when she came here and they picked her up from the orphanage, she was so amazed that they were geting into a car to go home ! she thought it was the coolest thing in the world to drive in a car and noton a bus ! she is a really amazing kid and i love her ! she fits right into our family and she really loves us !
I know all of the children in orphanages would be just as greatful to be adopted as my cousin was !
If i ever meet someone who says adoption id horrible i will smack them in the face !
Please consider adoption ! it is a great thing you can do for a child.

Miss B

I asked a question a few days ago, stating that I was interested in information about adoption... I stated we had lost 4 children, due to miscarriage, and the loss was horrible.... so in reference to that statement, I got a lot of replies basically telling me I was wrong by wishing that loss on another woman.
I'm not wishing loss on anyone! People who put their children up for adoption - CHOOSE to do so, and they are doing the best thing they can do for that child, by showing that baby that they loved it SO much, they put it's needs ahead of their own. I did NOT choose to lose my children, it's a whole different situation, and I don't understand why the stigma has to be negative about people putting their children up for adoption... would it be better, that if they truly did NOT want that child, that in place of finding a family who would love and care for that child, the mother just had an abortion, or threw the baby in a dumpster somewhere (which is becoming more and more common, unfortunately).. Hmm, to ME the clear answer seems to be that by putting the baby up for adoption, a mother/father is doing a very admirable,brave and loving thing...

a quote that backs that up? one from a woman who gave her child up for adoption to a friend of mine...

"by adoption, I wasn't giving my child UP.. I was giving her MORE"

so.. all the anti-adoption people have a right to a opinion, but they don't have the right to think that all adoptions are agencies ripping babies out of people's arms against their will.... it's an agency, with procedures, paperwork and counseling involved for BOTH parties involved, not the damn black market!

So, I know I got off track, but in direct response to your question....

Do it, open your home and your heart to children who need it, and don't let ANYONE tell you it's a bad thing...
It isn't.

Best of Luck !

crazychickizback

Nothing. its just nutso birth mothers and the adoptees they brainwashed making it look bad. I think regualr adoption from an agency or a private adoption would be better- I wouldn't suggest dealing with foster care because of friends who have had bad experiances with it but you might get lucky if you pursue it.

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Nothing.

ERICA G

i really dont think adoppting kids is bad.. i actually think you are helping another person out.. i think that this is really good!!! who said this was a bad thing:???

I'M JUST SAYIN.....

I am not against adoption, I think it's a wonderful thing for people who want children and can't have them. I think you should adopt when you are ready.

Deesbabymama

i think u should adopts its the best think a good family or mother can do

Desire M

To me there aint nothing wrong with adoption, because there are a lot of children that need a good home and they should love by the person that is taking care of them. They need to feel loved and cared about.

Chloe C

Sometimes adopting is really good. Because your helping children get a proper home.
But , you never know what there actually like until a year later, like they might act nice and friendly , but really there the opposite.

But go for it!
Getting a toddler or baby is the best though !

PregnantMommy

Adoption is great! There are so many kids that need good homes. Just remember sometimes it can be hard if you don't know the parents health history, and/or if the child has any serious emotional problems from feeling neglected by the real parents. My mother-in-law was adopted and she has emotional issues because her parents abandoned her and she was adopted at 7 months. You never can really tell. I guess even with having your own children they can have emotional issues...It's just something you should consider. But I think adoption is a great thing...

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