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PhilM
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This is a great question. I probably have as many answers as years it took me to finally search.
Fear of rejection.
Concern for hurting my a-parents.
Fear of finding a grave.
Worry that I wasn't good enough.
Absorbed into my bizarre life.
Fear of finding out that my n-family was seriously broken in some way.
Unsure of how society would view my search.
Uncertain of how to go about a search.
Lack of knowledge about whether it was even possible to search.
There were so many different reasons floating around for me.
It was hard to finally get myself to do it. And once I did, it went so quickly, I had the same reaction as you. Why did I wait so long? |
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Heather B
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Fearfulness often outweighs the need to know.
It never ceases to amaze me how people assume that to search means the adoptee is somehow dissatisfied with their adoptive parents or upbringing - searching has nothing to do with that whatsoever.
In fact I believe quite the opposite; that having a strong and loving relationship with the adoptive family gives the searching adoptee a sense of security in searching; safe in the knowledge that their love really is unconditional.
I don't believe the folk who state they've never given their origins a second thought. |
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Lillie
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Everything Phil said, and also sealed records.
Not having access to your own information kind of hinders the ability to look for someone. |
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medusa
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one of my birth parents already has a wife and family, and one of his kids is the same age as me. So I dont want to find him and then be shooed away like some shameful secret. |
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Baby Ayden in Belly! 40+weeks...
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Whenever I searched for my birth family, what took me so long was that I didn't want to get rejected. I felt like something was missing in my life though. I felt like a part of me was missing, so that's why I outweighed the pro's over the con's. |
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sunny
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Phil hit 'em. |
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BOTZ
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I had a lot of the same thoughts as PhilM listed. Also, fear that I would "mess up" my mother's life by "outing" her (as a relinquishing mother from the EMS/BSE) in case her 'people' didn't know.
That didn't stop me though...not nearly as much as sealed records, unhelpful a-parents, unhelpful staff at the agency, lack of knowledge about searching...etc.
Like Ms. Beaverhausen, I also started searching (such as I was able) at age 14. Unlike her, I found at age 32. I'm still -- and will probably always be -- pissed about that for so many reasons. Not the least of which is the fact that I was NOT a secret to anyone in my mother's life and I was known -- even by her children -- since the time *I* was 13 (a year before my search started) and I was awaited with open arms.
Many people on her side had convinced themselves that I was not interested and I 'hated' her...because they never heard from me. That is SO UNFAIR! That my mother was HURT AGAIN because of my adoption and because of the LIES told to both of us by the agency is UNFORGIVABLE!
Like my mother, my father believed that I would always know his name (if my a-parents chose to tell me I was adopted at all) and would have all the information I needed to contact him. He figured I was uninterested and that I 'hated' him also.
My mother knew the laws of sealed records, but had been PROMISED by the agency (LDS family services) that I would be told EVERYTHING, if I ever came asking. My father was under the mistaken idea that I would be given everything under the law -- he did NOT know about sealed records...at least not sealed records that remain so after the adoptee reached adulthood.
Needless to say, I DID "come asking" many times from the age of 18 on. At least two of those times, my a-parents came with me. (You may wonder why I call them "unhelpful" above when they did. They came with me under protest...because it was what *I* wanted. Yes, they were unhelpful...but they were less willing to have me leave their lives FOREVER than to go with me to ask the agency for my records.)
Now that I think about it, they might have called ahead to subvert it. I never could figure out why -- when we were all there together -- that my request would be denied. Damn...now I have some thinking to do...
GRRRRRR! |
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Independ"ant"
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stockholm syndrome |
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g0tchac0veredp
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I AM HOPING THE CHILD I GAVE UP WILL FIND ME. I DON'T WISH TO INTRUDE IN HER LIFE BUT I HOPE I GET THE CHANCE TO TELL HER I LOVE HER AND I'VE THOUGHT ABOUT HER EVERYDAY SINCE WE PARTED |
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Mei-Ling
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Because they are content with their lives.
ETA: Carnie C, you know my backstory. I was one of the ones who searched and one of the "lucky" ones who will actually ever get to meet her original family.
Now that I am in "reunion", I wonder why I originally thought there was no loss involved since I was adopted by such a great family... |
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anastasia beaverhausen-the real1
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absolutely nothing stalled me. i started looking aat age 14. i found at 21.
i think a lot of people are afraid of hurting their aparents. |
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Emanon
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I have not searched because I have no "need" to know anything more about who gave birth to me. I have wonderful parents and a great sister and brother and am very satisfied with my life. I am 41 and know I am a product of who raised me and my environment, not who gave birth to me. |
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maccrew6
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Perhaps some people simply choose NOT to search. Maybe they are content and feel blessed with where they are. |
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Marie
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Because my parents "are" my parents. I don't want to find the woman who gave birth to me (won't use the word mother here). Some people think (myself included) that if you look for your birth parents, you are in some way being ungrateful to your real parents. I've known adoptees who've found their birth mother, and it was a nightmare for both of them. The families hated them, and their birth "mothers" didn't want to have anything to do with them. Sometimes it's best NOT to know. |
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Randy B
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I finished my search the first time I looked up into the eyes of my adoptive parents and saw their love for me looking back. I've personally never felt any need to look any further. |
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Carnie C
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some dont' care to know. I, for one, was comfortable with myself and who i was -- i didn't need a piece of paper or someone else to change that for me.
we don't have to search. we can be comfortable with ourselves, too. |
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bubba
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afraid she might kidnap me and take me to north dakota |
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nutterorsaintuchoose
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i think that some times its nice and all works but so often it dose not
1, Linda gave her son up in 1947 hubby over see,s had affair had son hubby was not interested so then son went up for adoption .. had lovely family .. both parents passed on now looked for birth mum now in her 70s found her gets on great ... good a also true
2. mums 18 not really in to looking after baby gives up for adoption .. goes on to have 2 other taken off her has very bad drinking+drug habit .. son is oblivious to wot his going to find .. im his aunt i would love to meat him but do hope to god he dose not go looking for his mum as this going to find something that's not wot his going to want ?
both true
any one going to look must first Be very aware that they may not be wanted still or that they will find something they are not banking on ... but yes there are the ones that have all ways love there children and never ever forgotten them and very good look to you all |
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Adult 
Gambling
Unfinished
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