What should I do?

cmc

Adoption is a lot harder than having a child. If you want to adopt a newborn it is very difficult. the children that really need homes are older children in the foster care system - and many people don't want to adopt these children.

There are far more couples wanting to adopt than there are babies available. This is true for both domestic and international adoption. With domestic adoption you can adopt a newborn, but the wait is unpredictable since the birthmom usually choses the family (this is after all the paperwork is done and you are approved to adopt). For international you are adopting a child who is 6 mo or older, but usually 1 year or more. Also international adoption is getting much more difficult because of laws trying to ensure that the children are not exploited.

So unless you're talking about older kids in foster care, there aren't really babies out there waiting for you to provide them a good home. Instead there are lots of couples/families hoping for the chance to be parents to children that they can't have on their own.

Gershom

Its natural to want your own biological children.

Adoption isn't a gift to a child. Its not something any child should feel grateful for. Same goes for children born biologically, they're not here to tell us thank you, we're here to tell them thank you.

You're going to have to work this out. May I suggest looking into the foster care system, these are the children and youth that REALLY need assistance, care, stability, that is if you even go on the adoption path.

xoxoxoxo

Adoptionissadnsick

I trust this will work itself out for you two...mostly I wanted to say good job for having good important conversations. I'd question his motives for wanting to raise a stranger's child. Does he fear something regarding fatherhood? Is he exhibiting some form of wanting to be a saver, and seeking gratitude or appreciation? Is it some ecological or population ideal?

you are right though, adoption is NOT the same as having your own children and going through the AMAZING tranistion of prenancy, birth and breastfeeding. When shared with one you love creating life together feels sacred.

i'm an adoptee. The relationship I had with my adoptive parents was the result of luck of the draw. We were very different. I never had anyone who could genetically mirror me. It was difficult to grow up adopted. It is nothing like the relationship I share with my son, the very first genetic family member I've ever lived with. Our relationship is very natural and very beautiful.

ETA Carebear just said she thinks a "mother" can bond with any child...assuming that were true, it still doesnt account for the child....The baby/child may not bond to the adopters. There is growing evidence of prenatal developement, it's been proven babies are born knowing who their mother is and she is the mom the baby is bonded to, disrupting that relationship may impair the ability of the baby to bond with others. Lots of PAP's say they will love an adopted baby "as their own" which may or may not be true - REGARDLESS it doesn't account for the fact the adoptee may reject his/her replacement parents. My adoptive parents (got me a 3 days old) told me they loved me everyday - I couldn't feel it, nor did I know how to love them.

GEE-GEE

I think this is a very serious issue. For me it would be a deal breaker. If you can't agree on kids or at least to have your own biological one, I am not sure you two were meant to be. I would talk to him and have a heart to heart. If he still does not see your point of view than you may need to move on.
You don't want to be 60 and regret anything in your life. If you want to go through the pregnancy than you should. If you want to adopt still then do it for your second child.

sunny

You might want to educate your boyfriend about adoption. Unless you're talking about foster care, and the adoption of an older child--there is NO surplus of infants waiting to be adopted.

For every healthy white infant, there are 90 couples wanting to adopt him. That's why people travel to faraway lands to adopt, and spend tens of thousands of dollars to take children away from their very poor families.

There is nothing WRONG with wanting to have your own children; it's normal and natural. I actually wonder about his POV, it sounds rather idealistic, and certainly ignorant of adoption issues. Sounds like this might be a stalling technique. Maybe he wants you to break up with him?

Four years? Time to move and and find yourself a new guy who wants to have a family with you.

B.E.W.10

This is a very important topic and one that should remain an open and ongoing conversation. I wouldn't say that you should break up over it... but I would wait for marriage until you can come to an agreement or compromise. If you get married and this still isn't resolved you could both end up resenting one another. Good luck!

his woman giggling

Maybe he can't father a child, is that why he wants to adopt? Or maybe there is history of disease he doesn't want to pass on.

Kay

I am an adopted child and my adoptive parents, even though they are not related to me by blood,are the only people in the whole world I would consider to be my mom and dad. I love them more than anything and I feel that God chose them for me to go to. So adoption is a good thing and you can feel like a real family.
I do understand your dilema. Having been adopted, natural children are very important to me, I want that experience of carrying the child with my husband.
I feel that children that are placed for adoption should be placed with parents who cannot concieve. There is no reason why your bf and you couldn't have a perfectly wonderful child of your own. Many couples are not so fortunate.
Tell your BF that. He needs to know how important that is to you and don't cave in if it means giving up your dreams of carrying a child.
Good luck to you dear.

carebear

You should work this out before going further with the relationship. I have known since I was 15 that it was next to impossible to have children. I told my husband this when we were dating. He said that he was fine with adoption. But Not long after we got married he wanted me to try fertility treatments. I am not wanting to do this because I would prefer to adopt older children who need a home. I personally think that a mother can bond with any child. But if you already feel the call to have your own child you might feel cheated by adoption. Which wouldn't be good for you or the child.

sweetie

I would understand adopting a couples of babies but try to talk him into at least havin one of his own. I whos to say you wont pop up in a couple of months pregnant. What is that you change your plan? You should be somewhat on the same page. Good luck!!!

semoangel70

First off your bf is an amazing guy, most men that could have a baby of their own would never consider raising someone elses. Now if you two can not work this out and come to a compromise........maybe have one and adopt one........then you need to figure out if you want to stay with someone and marry them knowing you will never have a child or if you want to move on and start life with someone else. Adoption is wonderful and yes you can love that child as much as one you carried for 9 months. What would you do if you found out the bf couldnt have kids would you leave or adopt one. Search your heart and find the answer. Talk try to compromise but in the end it is all going to come down to what is more important to you.

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