What should I do? Should I leave it in the past?

Okay, so I know this isn't an adoption story but I figured someone on here would have good advice coming from a reunion standpoint.

I haven't had a relationship with my biological father since I was 9 years old (I'm 20 now and living independently) because my parents(mom and step-dad) didn't allow me to and I was too scared to ask them to see my dad because they always talked bad about him and I felt like my step-dad would resent me for it and feel betrayed since he basically raised me. Well, I contacted my biological father last Thanksgiving and I found out that I have a 13 year old half-sister. I was shocked! First of all my parents were still together when I was 6(the year she was born) and second of all I have ALWAYS wanted a little sister and never thought I had one. Well I told my mom that I contacted my dad and she wasn't mad but told me that I shouldn't tell my step-dad about it. I wasn't planning on it cuz I know my step-dad would be mad. But I told my mom that I wanted to meet my half sister and she said that I should just leave it in the past and that it didn't matter.

Well I really want to meet her or at least see a picture of her(i've been begging my biological father for 6 months for a pic and he hasn't sent me one yet) but I"m wondering if it's a bad idea to contact my sister. I'm just not sure how her mom would react and what type of person her mom is cuz I mean my dad cheated on MY mom with her.

Besides that my mom and step-dad worked hard to keep my dad out of my life(we moved 900 miles away) and I'm uneasy about bringing him back into my life. I have seen him do horrible things but he says he's changed.

But I am sooo curious about my sister of course it's natural. My dad says she looks just like me but from what I gather from my conversations with my biological father he doesn't see her too often and I don't think he's on good terms with her mother. I think my sister knows about me and I think she would like to know more about me too but I don't know what to do.

What should I do? How do I go about contacting her? What should I do about my parents? It's a complicated situation because there is already a rift between the family because I left home this year because my step-dad has been verbally and emotionally abusing me since I was 10 and I couldn't take it any longer. My biological father never hurt me but he used to hurt my mom which is one reason why I am cautious about letting him into my life. It's been a very slow process. I have a hard time understanding why my dad didn't come look for me and even now when I talk to him on the phone there is no emotional attachment. It's just like talking to a stranger and asking details about their life(a life that you have little part in). It's difficult since I have so many memories of my dad and his side of the family but they are all drug abusers. I miss my cousins that were my age but they have babies already! and i'm sure they are doing drugs and drinking. Is there anyway my sister can be spared from that lifestyle? lol. Wow! I really don't know where I'm going with this now but please help me. I need advise. What's you're take and what should i do?
Additional Details
I really need closure. I didn't get that when my parents ran away with me. I said no goodbyes to my daddy or my cousins. It's hard not to even know your own sisters middle name! I dunno tho. It hurts that my daddy didn't come looking for me. If anyone ever took my kids from me I would be furious and wouldn't get any sleep until I found them. I know my dad was an alcoholic and drug addict and I like to think that he was just thinking of what was best for me. That he couldn't be the dad I needed...sigh. Can someone help me figure all this out?

MamaKate

Dear Stepherz,

My goodness, you have been through a lot! It sounds to me as though you have quite a few people deciding how YOU should feel and how YOUR relationships should be. I am sorry your mother and step-father kept you from having a relationship with both your father and your sister. I think it is a shame when people are denied their families and it sounds as though there has been a whole lot of bad mouthing of each other going on as well.

I would take everything you are told with a giant grain of salt. It sounds as though there is a lot of bitterness between the adults in your life and they have possibly allowed that anger to interfere with you and your sister's situations. Ask people directly and get ALL sides of the story before you decide what YOU believe about the people in your family. You may find that not everything you have been told is the entire truth or that some things have more to them than what you have been led to believe. CHOOSE FOR YOURSELF.

As to you your sister, I think you should follow your heart! Especially if she is interested in knowing you as well. You two deserve at least the opportunity to get to know each other. You are SISTERS! The two of you should be the ONLY ones deciding what type of relationship you want to have!

I hope that you are able to figure out how YOU feel about your family and have the opportunity to have the relationships YOU choose. Who knows, maybe you and your sister can show the adults in your lives how to be a family! (Familys don't have to live together to still be families for their children!!!) Good luck to you and your sister and plase extend my wishes for a happy and healthy future together!

Bizzi

There is nuthing more important on this planet then our family...
it's to bad our own stupidity is corroding away at it. Leaving it a former shell of it's self... but we were warned about greed... but we didn't listen...

Some times you just got to go for the gusto as your only option...

As far as figuring it out... you never will....

Only things that are logical or make sense can be figured out.

You need to just get in there and figure it out along the way...

We all work better in the heat of the moment.. if we are not scared.. while it's occurring..

LaurieDB

One thing about getting to know other people is that you can make the choice at any time to no longer continue a relationship. You can also choose how close (or not) you get to a person. I think many of us, no matter what type of family configuration we have, are close to some members and choose to stay more distanced from others.

It sounds like you're already moving slowly with your father, and you seem to have an idea of where you want to go with that. This could change...or not...as things move along. As far as your sister goes, you have no idea what may or may not come of it unless you talk to her. You can surmise all day and all night, but there's only one way to know. That is to talk to her and see what happens. Who knows? She could turn out to be someone special in your life.

Just like in any family, having a relationship with some members doesn't mean you have to have one with all members. You may have to be in the same room from time to time, but you don't have to be close.

As far as your dad not being able to be the dad you needed, that's something with which many people find themselves faced. It's not pleasant or easy. Eventually comes some level of acceptance, but I realize that such matters are often left with some feelings of non-resolution at the deepest level. The best that can be done is to decide how much, if any, relationship we are willing to have with that person today, coupled with what that person is willing to do relationship-wise. There is no cut and dry, painless answer.

Your father probably has a lot of feelings of uncertainly, too. Of course, I don't have any idea what he is thinking or all that transpired at the time of the divorce. It sounds like there was a lot of ugliness at the time, and your mother was probably very hurt. Unfortunately, the children (in this case you) sometimes end up getting the brunt of this, too. You didn't get a relationship with your father. Your step-father's jealousy, of course, would make certain that you wouldn't have a relationship with your father. It's too bad. Unless a parent is harming the child, children should be able to have a relationship with both parents, even if the parents no longer get along with one another.

Good luck to you on whatever path you choose.

Felicita1

You are 20 and can contact whomever you choose. That is your right. And your desire to meet your sister is entirely natural. If i were you, I would contact her. Your mother and step-father have no right to give you any grief about contacting her because she is NOT to blame for how your father hurt your mother. She is innocent in all of this and may be a very decent person.

And yes, i would exercise a great deal of caution in dealing with your natural father.

Mama of Lilly

Well this is really long question and has many questions in the question and I will do my best to answer all of them. First off let your Mom and Step Dad have their own opinions about what you are doing, but do not let it dictate what you are going to do. If you step father is going to be mad at you, than that his is problem to sort out.

AS far, as your father not having any emotional connection to you, its cause unfortunately all those years of drug and alcohol use, has made his brain like mush... so he really does not have feelings about anything.. thats why doing drugs and alcohol affects your life, for the rest of your life.. So you need to look at this from a outside perspective.. He did not look for you because he was probably looking for his next fix.. I know its hard to hear this bu they can not help it when they get in so deep.

Now wanting to meet your sister, what i would do is call her mother talk to her first and get in good with her, and make her feel comfortable with you entering her daughters life, and if she is not on good terms with your father than do not talk about him much but rather talk about how you would love to meet your sister..and your sister's mother may go either way on this.. but talking to her first will not make her feel like you are trying to take her daughter away.. AS far as your dad's family, try to contact them and if they are not living in good ways, than just slowly stop contacting them.. You could at least try and see if any of your cousin's have taken the high road and got out of the rut so to say..

But most of all you need to do what you want, and what is right for you and ignore what others say. You have a right to know who your father is and any other family that you have.. Good luck!

Sal G.

Your situation is a very delicate one. As a person who has had a similar situation growing up (being raised by a step-father, and being distant from my biological father) I understand your innate need to at least contact your father. Even though you missed many years with your biological father, there may be a need to repair your relationship with him, and that may take time. Be patient. While there might have been valid reasons for your mother leaving your father (various addictions, infidelity, etc.), he has to win back your trust and respect. If you want to build a relationship with him, you will need to allow time for that to happen. As regards to your half-sister (I hate that term), he should be willing to allow you to at least contact her so that you two can possibly form a relationship on your own. Sibling relationships are very important if they can develop, and he should not allow his spoiled relationship with your mother, and hers, to interfere with that. My opinion is that you should reach out to your sister, and if a relationship develops, then let it. However, you might need to exercise a great deal of tact and care when dealing with the mother of your sister, since she still is only a minor.

baremp

If your natural dad is an alcoholic/addict then I would steer clear of him entirely. Your mom and step-dad did what they thought was the right thing to get you away from a man who was so self destructive - he would have ruined your life as well as theirs. They wanted a better life for you and worked hard to give you just that.
If someone wants to do right by their child they will. did he ever pay child support - Did he send you gifts - no he was too busy with his addiction.
Its nice that you have a little sister -
Go to the group ALANON -- get some more information about the children and family of alcoholics and build up your own resources before you get yourself into a hell hole with your bio. father's family.
Think very carefully - listen to people who have been down the long and rocky road of having suffered the affects of other peoples addictions.
Get some friendly advice and remember it was your loving mother who spent a good part of her life protecting yours.
Good luck
It takes more than a physical act to become a real father.

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