What should happen if a birthmother willingly made an adoption plan for their child... and...?

PhilM

Adoptive parents can send the child back if they change their mind (and this has happened), so why shouldn't the first mother be able to change her mind and take the child back?

ProfessorC

It does not matter what time frame - the child's has new parents and is secure with them. Leave him/her alone. And legally you can do nothing.

Lillie

Very interesting. I'm torn on this.

On one hand, everyone always says that adoption of infants is not traumatic because the adoptee will not remember anyway.

So, if the adopted infant went back to his or her n-mother while still an infant, it stands to reason that he or she wouldn't remember any residual trauma, right?

Brayden's Mommie 6/08

I still say nothing that is a long time for the child to be comfortable in another home. To pull them out is pretty selfish. Most bonding is done as an infant, and to change their life to satisfy you isn't ok in my book.

Freckle Face

a year is a pretty long time and would be pretty hard on the child at some point they need stability.

I would agree with 6 months. 6 months and under if the first parent(s) change their minds then the child should be given back.

ok Phil, i'm not ready to hear that some crazy aparents actually give back the baby. (sigh)

Aster

You mean a year after the baby was born and raised with the adoptive parents? I think it would be very cruel to take a 1-yr old baby away from the only family he/she's ever known. Selfish too. The best possible outcome would be to make arrangements for an open situation where the child can know the birthmother, but continue to be raised by the adoptive parents. Not always possible, but birthmother should consider the best interest for the CHILD, not herself.

opedial

If it is within the timeframe of the probation period, then a birthmother can change her mind I guess. When the child legally beomces the child of the adoptive parent then it is too late.

As for Phil's comment about giving children back, ANY parent can give their child up to social services, not jsut adoptive parents. A parent is a parent and we do not just relinquish our children because a birth parent has changed their mind after the child is legally yours.

Should work be done to ensure the birthparents are counselled and not coersed? Yep, but adoption is another way families are created.

BPD Wife

I am on the fence with this question. Children deserve stable homes regardless of which type of parent is raising them (bio or adoptive).

Children are not (or should not be) items to be loaned out until someone changes their mind - regardless of the parent.

I also feel that the age of the child is an important factor here. An infant child may not be as affected by a "change in mind" but an older child who understands the situation will be affected much greater. I cannot imagine the feeling of loss an older child would experience after losing two families...even if they go back to the bio parents.

Is adoption perfect? NO. Can adoption ever be perfect? I don't think so. But can it be better than what it is? Absolutely.

In cases where a bio parent or an adoptive parent changes their mind, I think there needs to be an unbiased advocate for the child to make the decision as to what is best for the child's well-being. The advocate would have NO financial gain as to which way things went and their sole purpose would be to be the child's voice.

Just my opinion.

hannah_fan75

If the adoption has been finalized before they change their mind and want the child back, then they cannot take the child back. If the adoption has not been finalized, then the birthmother could take the child back, unless the law did not want her to.

Crucio

Well if her time period to reclaim has expired she is just out of luck. A child is needs stability not to be past around like some toy. One can say that adoptive parents know the risk that birthparents have a period they can reclaim. Well Birthparents also know that once their reclaim period has past they can never get their birthchild back. Unless the adoption was not done right, birth father was not informed.

terra

its clear that the birthmother is not worried about the long term effects on the child if they want to move them from one home to another i think the adoption should stick i was adopted and i wouldnt have liked to be moved back to my bios

AdoptiveMama

My first response is to Lori A:
You have to understand that when it comes to taking children out of homes and putting them in foster care it is usually for the safety of the children...HOWEVER I understand that there are times that the removal of children is unwarrented.

To answer you actual question, I would say that if the birthmother willingly made the original plan for adoption that she doesn't have a right to remove the child that she willingly gave up for adoption. A year is a long time in a childs life, and to take that child away from possibly the only family he/she has ever known would be very detrimental for that little one. We have a 18 month (finalized adoption) old and a 14 month old (working on finalization) that have been with us since they were newborns. At the time that they turned 1, they were completely bonded to us, our family, our church family, and other friends. To take them out of the world they knew, would be very unfortunate for them...it could have life long concequences.

Orion

I'll reference my states adoption laws but I can't imagine they would be too much different in other states. Once an adoption placement has occurred, the biological parents have approx. 30 days from the date of relinquishment to pursue having placement reversed. After this time they have no legal right to the child. If for some reason the prospective adoptive parents have issues with the placement they can address them with the placing agency anytime prior to formal adoption of the child which normally takes place between 6-9 months after the relinquish papers are signed or placement of child in AP home has occurred. Normally agencies don't see AP's wanting to change their minds about placement unless it's for an older child. The older child may be suffering from more severe trauma and may not adjust to being placed.

As for my personal feelings on the subject I'm torn. I feel in most cases the child should be kept with the biological family but that there should be safe guards put in place to not disrupt any family once adoption has occurred. Hence I support having this option with the current statutes in place (i.e. 30 days to change your mind or reversal of adoption should AP's not want to care for child BP's should be given first choice)

HappyMomAnna

When we are too busy thinking only our feeling matter we don't even see the truth....

Adoptive Parents Can Send their children back and there are often 1,0000 people telling us to do so....

Do you think it is easy to love a child and have the world around think we are idiots to parent someone elses Drug Baby---or that our kids have emotional problems because they were born to a mentally-ill parent or someone who didn't love them...

Try coming to an IEP meeting with me and listen to a school principal tell me to Send My Kid back or that "Alot of parents would..."

If a mother places her baby she should make any change of heart decision within the time the laws allow under the agreement she made...

Or...maybe we all should send them back to their moms as soon as we realize the mother gave her baby brain damage because she snuck too many drinks.... Maybe Adoptive Parents should GET to change our minds just the moment we realize a child has some kind of special need that doesn't show up until School Years....

Really---Adoption is not a situation someone SHOULD have the right to change their minds about...

Look up Disruption and Dissolution and Catch a Clue there are many parents who REGRET adopting children who are damaged because of a selfish person who didn't bother to stop doing things that hurt the baby...AND DONT THINK for one moment this isn't an issue with New Borns...

In Fact it is a bigger GAMBLE to adopt a new born then a child in foster care .... At Least we know they WILL Likely have a problem....

Jennifer L

There is, and should be, a reasonable amount of time for a birthparent to change his/her mind. Depending on the (US) state in question, I've seen anywhere from 72 hrs to 6 months with 3 months being about average. A year is way beyond that reasonable timeframe and it is traumatic to remove the child at that point.

I'm defending adoptive parents here, but at some point they need to be able to raise their child in peace.

red-haired gypsy

I was in that situation.i am bmom.I looked n my heart an knew ultimately the child would be the 1 hurt.I could never do that.

Katie D

As an adoptive mom of a now 17.5 year old son, I believe the laws in our states need to be upheld in the case of adoption. Too many kids have been pulled screaming from their homes by birth parents who have other agendas. I believe more damage is done to the kids by taking them from the security they have and that once birth parents make a decision, they should be honor bound to the agreement. My son has asked about his birth family and we have decided together that he will do a search for them when he turns 18. He said he only wants to know who he looks like; he doesn't want a relationship with them. That could change as he ages and that is fine with me. I've had the honor of being his mom through all of his life and have loved it every day.

his woman giggling

As far as I know, an adoption cannot take place until after birth so any prior to birth arrangements are not official. The birth mother has, I think, up to six months after adoption is finalized to change her mind if she can prove a certain criteria. (After that point, it becomes a civil suit.)

GEE-GEE

I don't think they should have the right to change their mind and get the baby back. I adopted my son 3 years ago and we did a relinquishment. Basically once the birthmother signs the paperwork she can not change her mind at all. The child is legally custody of the state for 6 months. The state will check up on the adoptive parents and make sure everything is going well. After the 6 months is up, we went to court and the adoption was finalized. So in some states the birthmother can not change her mind no matter what.

What would happened if the birthmother did get her way and got the baby back just to change her mind again? That is very sad.

This is why I love the concept of open adoption. The birthmother can still visit and be involved in the babies life.

Santa's Lil' Helper

If the parental rghts have not been terminated adoptive parents know this is a risk then must take.

If parental rights of the parents have been terminated and the child adopted then no.

These children are not objects....we can't LAY-A-WAY kids to we make up our minds! They must come before the feelings and emotions of first parents or adoptive parents.

Erin L

I have thought and thought about this question for years. I haven't come up with a good answer. I do think that at some point adoption must be permanant. Once an adoption is legally final, there should be no living in limbo any longer. The child (and for that matter the whole adoptive family) deserves a family that isn't living in limbo. Just like most people don't think a divorced parent who has been estranged from their child should be able to "change their mind" and get custody when they haven't been the child's family for years, I think the same thing applies for adopted children when thinking about what is best for them. I do however, think that there needs to be a reasonable amount of time before the relinquishment decision is final. I don't think the adoption should BE final until that reasonable period of time has passed. I don't know what that time frame should be. But certainly longer than the matter of days it is in some states. I tend to like states that have a six month period. Perhaps it should be even longer. Again, I think the adoption should not be final until then, and then once the adoption is final, it is final.

iluvnurd

You know what I've noticed? If an adoptive mother or father posts a question, any answer that doesn't say what they want to hear gets a bad rating. Same thing here. The question is about getting her baby back, and even though many of these answers are really respectful and well written, they get bad ratings, just because its not the answer that is wanted. A lot of these answers make sense, so who is rating them so negatively, and why? Watch, I bet I'll get a bad rating just for pointing out this trend.

What's the point in posting a question if you're only going to get the answers you want- versus a wide spectrum of opinions?

For the record, I also feel that trying to remove a one year old from his/her home is wrong. Legally, I think after a year, you don't have any rights or much chance of getting the baby back, but that doesn't stop people from dragging out these long painful court trials. Try and think of it the other way- what if someone would charge and take your child away after a year? A child that you have always felt belonged to you, that you raised, and that is attached to your family and friends? Doesn't seem so fair when you look at it from the adoptive parents point of view, does it?

susie w

Adoptive parents have little rights when it comes to DHS and birth parents. However, if you are speaking of an infant that you adopted straight from the birthmother, the birthmother has, in reality, no say. If the documents for parental rights termination were signed, she has no reserved rights to her infant anymore. However, if this is the case, get a good lawyer, because it can be a bumpy ride if she plans to buck the system.

Still Me

If there is no assurance that the plan for the child is in their best interest, and is permanency planning, then adoption has no integrity. There are plenty of ways for a woman to seek help while deciding if she wants to place her child permanently through adoption. There are many voluntary foster care agencies, church women's group homes which allow a woman to work on parenting her children with support, relatives or friends who could take the children until a permanent decision has been made, etc. But adoption is a permanent plan. So, no a birthmother should not be able to undo the plan she has asked adoptive parents and adoption professionals to implement for her. Adoption is not foster care or babysitting. And that is made extremely clear through the adoption process. If anyone has read a Relinquishment of Parental Rights, they can see that the permanency is stressed over and over again. To remove a child from the parent we have chosen for them because we miss them, is selfish, and not something most birthmothers would ever consider.

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