What worries do adoptive parents have about reunion?

Sofiakat

I am going to be very honest while answering this question even though it really makes me feel vulnerable.

-I worry that my kids' mom will not have gotten clean of drugs. I grew up with addicts in my life and I know the pain that can cause. I pray every night she is working toward sobriety. I want her to be as healthy as possible so that she can build a relationship with the kids.

-I worry that my kids might forget about me. I love them so much. I love them enough to take the chance. They need their mom. They will need her when they come of age in order to heal old wounds, to learn that she really did love them, to hopefully overcome the feeling that they were abandoned by her. I NEED to make sure they have that chance no matter what the cost is to me, and that hurts. But I will keep that locked way down deep inside where they will never see it so it does not influence them. I know they love her, but I want them to love me always too.

-I fear that I have not done enough to help them stay connected to the memory of their mother. I talk about her. I tell them qualities they have that are so much like her. I tell them how pretty she is. I keep a family photo of her and my son and daughter on the fridge so they can look at her anytime. But what if it is not enough? What if they resent me anyway? What if they resent her? I don't want that. Resentment just leads to more pain. I promised her I would never erase her. Am I doing a good enough job? Will she be satisfied with how I have kept her in their hearts and minds?

-I am terrified that she will resent me for the way I have raised her children. I do the best I can with the brains and heart I got, but what if she thinks I did a lousy job? She has entrusted me with her kids. (she was in the middle of a court battle for them and losing. she decided to relinquish on the condition that only we would adopt them.) I owe it to her to give them the best upbringing possible with all the love in the world. Deep down inside I feel like someday I need to answer to her.

So that is me layed bare on the topic.

MS A

My daughter and her other mother have already re-united. I had no concerns at all.

I think it is crucial to tell the child that it is okay to love both sets of parents. Be supportive. Stay close by, but give them some room.

Help them search!!! Be a part of the solution - not the problem.

Lillie

Do I have permission to answer this?

I talked to my parents about this and they told me about their concerns for me searching and reuniting with my n-parents. I know, it's kind of hard to believe that a person would actually, like, talk to their parents and ask them how they feel, but there you go.

Anyway, they told me that they were afraid I would get hurt. Hurt from rejection, that my n-parents wouldn't want to speak to me, that I wouldn't find what I "expected", etc. Their fears were for me and my feelings.

Linny G

My answer is similar to Lillie's.

They were afraid I would be hurt by a "second rejection". And, I was. They were also afraid I would find out things that would hurt me. I did.

But, they knew I would search, and stood by me. It was a bit painful for them. There are many irrational fears many a p's have about their child's reunion. Those fears stem from the garbage agencies during the bse fed them, like, "If you love your child enough, they won't search."

It also hurts my a Mom to know how much I am like my N mom and family. It serves as a reminder to her that I am not her biological child. BUT- I know they love me no less because I am adopted, as I do them.

Lori A

Rachaels parents too. They were afraid she would get hurt by her 13 year old at the time run away mother who didn't know who the father of the child was. Can't say as I blame them after hearing all that. I'd be afraid for her too.

Heather Leigh

My biggest fear was rejection. I did not want to see him hurt again. A positive did come out of it though (As to my other answer to your question). He is building a relationship with his uncle (his Mom's brother). When his other Mom rejected him, his uncle is helping by making him a welcome member to his part of the family.

As for his bio-father, my fear was for his safety. He was severely abused and neglected by his bio father for the first 5 years of his life and he continued to threatened us until just before he killed himself.

I am all for him havin a healthy relationship with any of his family members. He has many Aunts, Uncles, brothers and sisters (12 total at last count!!) that he is getting to know.

Freckle Face

Hi Maybe,

No objections here. I know what i am to my daughters and they know what they are to me, nothing will change that. I hope someday both daughters will have a close relationship with their bio-families. I love the idea that the two girls will be surrounded with a huge safety net of family.

Besides as adults, they are free to have a relationship with any one they chose. I know my oldest would have no problems telling me to butt out of her business and sit down.

BLW_KAM

Since we have a fully open adoption with our daughter's natural mother and family, "reunion" is an on-going event.

Then there is her natural father. (Oh how I wanted to type "birthfather".) I have doubts if there ever will be a reunion with him and if there is, I will not be my normal self. I will be nervous and scared for my daughter.

Why? Because no part of me knows how to relate to a man who left his pregnant girlfriend, who was a gang member, who was a dealer, and who apparently didn't care that he helped create an amazing human being.

I look for him every so often on the Internet. I haven't found him and I'm torn about whether I really want to. But something in me wants to know where he is in case my daughter ever asks. She looks so much like him.

aloha.girl59

I have some concerns. I wouldn't call them fears. But I would not object to my son searching and reuniting with his first family upon adulthood. My concerns are (not in any particular order):
1 - That my son will resent me for adopting him.
2 - That he will have negative feelings about himself when he meets his first mother. She never abused or neglected him, but she was unable to take care of him for various reasons and he was placed in foster care at birth. I worry that he will think that because she has some problems, they will automatically transfer to him. That he can't do any better than she did because they share DNA.
3 - That my son will "forget" about me once he is in reunion. The whole "this is my REAL mother" thing. I know that's unlikely and that he has room in his heart to love both of us, but it's still a small concern.

That being said, I would never try to stand in the way of my son researching his roots and having a relationship (if he wants one) with any or all members of his biological family! He's only 7 but I have already told him that if he wants to meet his first mother when he's older, I will help him find her. I really hope he's not just playing the "good little obedient adoptee" and trying to spare my feelings...now or 10 years from now, or ever. I don't ever want him to be afraid of hurting me by wanting to know his natural family and we will talk about it more as he grows up.

IDK!!

I worry that the great relationship he has now, will not forever so great, as with any relationship. That's my only fear, for him to be let down.

sizesmith

Our fears are that the bio parents have just quit on everything, and don't ever want a reunion for our son.

On the other hand, other AP's haven't told the truth, and raised children as their own, as if they hadn't been adopted, and they're terrified the first parents will knock on the door and declare who they are.

There's every reaction in between, and will continue to be so, until open adoption can be mandated and recognized as enfoceable by the law.

I Love A Child With Autism!!!

Only one of my daughters will be in need of a reunion as we are in a very open adoption with the other. I have no objection to her getting in contact with her family. I have wanted that since day one, unfortunately I do not believe that she (first mom) is in a place where that can transpire right now, but I do hope in the future she changes her mind.

My main concern is that my daughter has FAS. It scares me to think how she will feel toward her mother in regards to that...she is only 3 so she has no understanding of the topic. I worry that she will hold her liable for the crosses that she has had to and continues to bear from the disease. I also wonder if she will blame her for not keeping in contact throughout the years. I hope that if she does hold aggression toward her that it can all be resolved in the end so a relationship can occur.

In all honesty, I fear how I will feel in a face to face meeting with her now that I know about the FAS. I do not judge her for the drinking, but I do get frustrated that she was not truthful with us so we could have gotten M the services she needed right away instead of waiting for the doc's to finally figure out exactly what was wrong. I'm sure I will never mention it to her, but it was actually very therapeutic just venting that.

All I would like from her family is contact. We have extended ourselves out to her family and have been turned away at every attempt... but as long as they keep sending nasty notes when they (her brother and sister-in-law, we do not have her address) get the pics and letters, I know they still have our address if ever she wanted to contact us. I know that sounds mean, but at least she knows we are still hoping for her to change her mind.

Rowan

Well, my dad was quite open about his fears of us meeting our birth parents. He was worried we would want to go live with them. But, he finally overcame his fears and told us who our parents were at the age of 13. He neednt have worried. He was the only dad i had ever known.

He objected, in a way yes, but in the end, he knew we needed to know, and would only resent him if we found out through other people.

Forgot to mention: my mom wasnt worried at all. She knew we'd be ok.

Erin L

I worry that my daughter will get hurt - either feel regected or disappointed. I think that an adoptee must imagine for so long what it will feel like to be back in the arms of the woman who created them and gave birth to them, and it would have to be a VERY positive experience to live up to hopes, when I imagine at first anyway it is probably slightly awkward and cautious.

I worry about the language and cultural barrier she will encounter that will cause difficulty, frustration, artifitial barriers, and pain. (international adoption) I know that this is such a source of pain and frustration for international adoptees in reunion.

I worry that she will feel hindered by worrying about MY feelings, even though I don't want her to be and will tell her not to be, and will reassure her she will not hurt me in any way.

sweetjane

I absolutely want my child to meet and know his natural parents. That being said, I simply don't know if or when that can happen. My child's mother has a history of substance abuse/dealing problems and a decent criminal record, so it is hard to know when/if she will get clean for good. She won't tell us the father's name, but we do know that he is married with children of his own, so it was a case of adultry.....I don't know if that makes it impossible, but it does make that side of the family more 'unknown' and difficult to find. As for his mother, my fears are that if he meets her now/soon, and gets to know her, what happens when she is high again...will she stop visits and letters? I only have her history to go on, and her other son--also in foster care--has experienced being 'forgotten' when she is hooked on drugs. He is slightly older than my toddler, so I know that he is able to express how much it hurts him that she won't visit or call. I fear putting our child in that same situation. His natural mother has mentioned that she would like a 'relationship' where she could just go to a park and sit on a bench and watch us play with him....without making herself known in any way. While I respect her ideas, I am absolutely not happy with that type of 'relationship'. It would be unnecessarily cruel to her--to play with her son and be a family with her son while she watches, alone, from a park bench. I can't imagine ever doing something like that. If he is able to be in her life, I want him to actually know who she is....but I just am scared that she will relapse....and that her children will be the ones who suffer the most.....feeling wanted and loved one minute, and unwanted and betrayed the next. Thankfully, we have started a relationship with my son's half-brother's family. They too bring their own set of fears for us....as they refused to adopt our child because of his race.....but, so far, they seem generally interested in meeting our child and getting to know him. I want my son to know his brother....I want him to know ANY family members who want to know him. I just don't want him to be hurt in the process.
<<Foster to adopt mommy

Sophie

I worry that my son will be hurt in some way.

I don't object to a reunion at all- I hope my son gets to communicate soon. I think waiting for adulthood may be too late, as long as no aduse is involved.

Kazi

I think rejection is at the core of adoptive parents fears. Even when our kids become adults, I doubt that parents can just turn off the worry chip. I want to protect my kids and if I could I would wrap them in bubble wrap. But of course I can't and that wouldn't be healthy.

For my daughter, I worry about her desire to search in the first place because it is highly unlikely that she will be able to find them as there is simply no paper trail, no clues. I am scared about what that will do to her. I am scared she will spend her whole life searching for someone that can't be found to the detriment of all the wonderful things that life has to offer. I am scared and hurt for her that there will be a part of her that can never be filled.

For my son, I worry not only about outright rejection, but violence as well. His first mother is a violent narcissist who I strongly believe may welcome him into her life as long as he is of use to her and she can try and absolve herself of responsibility for her heinous actions. I am terrified that she may hurt him again, if not physically than emotionally. And I am scared of what I would be capable of if that happened.

These are fears of a mother, which I also am aware can be irrational as I love my kids to pieces and there isn't anything I wouldn't do to protect them.

That being said I would support any reunion attempt. I hope that we have given them enough esteem and sense of self that will allow them to hold strong.

Indian-vision

I would support my daughters search when the time comes and be behind her.

My worries-
_ She will be upset i pulled her out of her culture and did not teach her enough about her culture to not feel alienated when she meets her bio family.
- She will love me less( i know this is irrational) and leave me and ignore me.

Jill_01

We're in the waiting process of adoption and I honestly have no fears about it.
The mom we're working with has become like one of our family members...I hope that reuniting isn't necessary and that she'll be a part of our family.

kateiskate

The chances of me ever finding my family are very slim since I was adopted from Korea, and the information the adoption agency gave my mom was very vague so I've never thought much about trying to find my biological family. My sister is another story. Her birth mother wrote to her, but my sister had not been receiving the letters so she wrote to me instead. It made me sad to read the words that she wrote and to realize that my sister and I have completely different pasts. I debated on whether or not I would give my sister the letter because I had an irrational fear that she would leave us for her other family and that she would forget about us. In the end I wrote back thanking her for allowing us to have 18 years with my little sister and gave her the letter, but I am not proud of the emotion that I felt when I hesitated before deciding to give her the letter. I know it was selfish of me to be afraid of her leaving us and stupid. I really don't think my sister has told my mom. Neither one of us have talked much to her about the possibility of us finding our birth parents because we're scared of hurting her. I don't know how she feels about it because I've never asked. I guess what I am trying to say is the reunion process is very emotional for all family involved.

opedial

I only worry about any pain it will bring up in my child, but I know it will be a necessary part of their lives, which is why I am meeting with their mom annually. (they can't because of safety issues etc.)

I am not worried about my children loving me less, I understand that she is their mother too, and just hope her lifestyle changes and she will be a healthy influenced when the children are older.

Serenity71

Like BLW our reunion is on-going.

My main worry is when the kids are old enough to understand the role(biological ) mum/dad they play in their life that they'll disappear. sometimes a mother may want lots of contact in the beginning and then it becomes to much, (Or start not turning up to visits.)

Which has happened in other cases where one adoptive family I know waited two hours in a park, and she didn't show up.

They spent the rest of the day on the phone to social services to find out if she was OKay. Only to find out she was high on drugs, and found neglecting the baby she chose to keep.
It wasn't the first time, and her daughter thought it was her fault that her natural mother didn't show up. It started things like depression and anxiety in an seven year old child. At that age a child is so vulnerable emotionally. (And adult has a hard enough time coping with rejection on that level, let alone a child.)

I worry more for my kids emotional state than my own in all of this. Of course it hurts a parent to see your kids hurting if it all goes pear shaped.That's why you can feel torn when it comes to lots of letters and face to face visits. (Because that can also suddenly stop by the natural parents because we won't be stopping it unless our kids request it.) I see the benefits in it and at the same time I see the hurt and pain it deliver as well to child learning about family and life.

Social services are running blind with it because they really don't know how much is too much either in the early years. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

If we were in an adoption in the traditional sense then No I would never reject my child for wanting a reunion. (That includes if they say that are gay or whatever.)

I have friends that are emotionally preparing themselves for that time in their child's life since they have teenage adoptee's. They never talk about it when the kids are in hearing distance, they don't want their children to feel torn or that they won't be supported by mum and dad when the time comes. Mainly their fear is rejection from biological families of their child, and reunion not being what they feel it will be.

I know because my kids are small I'm going through some of the emotions now, because its all a new adjustment in our lives and finding a balance somewhere in all of this.( I'd rather do it now than in twenty years time.) I think its better to get any insecurities out of the way early. That's why I'm reading like mad about adoption from all angles. I'd have to write a blog to cover any more about the pro's and con's of adoption from an adoptive parent POV.

You asked for an honest answer, so I gave you one. Take from it what you wish.

School Nurse

When my daughter was younger (teens) I was afraid that my daughter's expectations were too high and that she would be hurt.
Now that she is older (30) she realizes that her biological parents are probably just "regular" people who just happened to get pregnant at a very young age. I don't really have that worry anymore.

My fear because our son will be adopted from foster care soon is that his mom will
1. take advantage of his sympathy financially (she is on drugs and that is why he was taken)
2. He will hype her up in his head then be disappointed when he finds her strung out or whatever
We will tell him as he gets older what happened but kids will always love their moms and no matter what you say she will be very special in his brain and i don't think she can live up to that. Lots can change in 18 years though she may be clean and fine by that time
3. That bio family is just like mom. i don't know this for sure but often times it is not just one black sheep but many.

yeahright

I am all about making sure my baby knows who their n-parents are--and as their protector, it is my job to protect them in age appropriate ways from realities that they may not be ready for. The first family members all are a welcome part of our family and frankly are people that my kids are entitled to. These people are part of their truth, their legacy and my babies emotional foundations are built on an events that the N-parents took part in that determined who my baby is and how they feel about themselves: the decision to agree to give up their child in the first place. There is responsibility in that.

But I worry about what my baby thinks about what their n-parents personal history was and how much they wonder how much of that is in their future due to nature vs nurture.

monkeykitty83

I would not object to my son or daughter reuniting with their biological family when they reach adulthood, but if possible I would prefer the child to have contact with the biological family prior to that. I really think that an adoption that is as open as is safely possible is best from the start.

I would be concerned that it would be painful, that there might be disappointment and rejection. But I would just offer support.

Depending on the situation, I might also be concerned about attempts at emotional manipulation of the adoptee, but that wouldn't be with every natural family in the world-- just that some families do have those tendencies, whether or not there was an adoption involved. If the biological family attempted to come between me and my adopted child and ruin our relationship in order to assert sole parenthood, at that point my worry about my child-now-adult would grow exponentially, because that's a world of hurt. I've see that happen, but it's rare, so that's not a huge fear for me unless reason was given to me specifically to worry about that.

The best thing the biological family could to to allay my concerns would be to not reject the adoptee, to be loving and supportive, and to allow the adopted child or adult to have their own feelings, rather than pushing the desired emotional reaction. I don't think either biological or adoptive parents should try to mold the feelings of the adoptee to suit our own needs.

If the biological family is loving and accepting of the adoptee-- and if the natural family can accept that adoptees can love BOTH sets of parents and not try to come between the adoptee and their other set of parents-- that's all I need.

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