What would YOU have said to her...?

I am a speech therapist at a public school. Today I went into a classroom to work with one of my students who has special needs and has a nurse assigned to him while he is at school. The nurse recognized me from a Parent Night we attended several months ago and reintroduced herself as the mom of the kids I babysat that night. She has 2 kids who are five months apart in age...a girl adopted from China and boy adopted from Colorado (I'm assuming from foster care but I could be wrong).

She started telling me the story of the two children (apparently she and her husband were turned down for adoption in Korea because they were over 45 at the time they wanted to adopt) and went into some detail which I was really uncomfortable with. For example, she told me her son's "birth father" (her words, NOT mine!) is a habitual drug user. I wanted to tell her that that is her son's story, not hers, and she shouldn't be sharing it, but I kept my mouth shut. She then went on to tell me that her son's "birth father" had the NERVE to try to fight her and her husband for the little boy. She said it cost her $33,000 to fight him. Once when referring to the boy's fdad she said, "...his dad. No, his birth father. He already HAS a dad." It was quite clear that this woman has no respect at all for her son's fparents (I have no idea how she feels about her daughter's fparents as we didn't talk about the little girl). I shudder to think of what she's telling these kids about their origins and though I am known as someone who talks A LOT, I could barely speak, I was so shocked at her lack of knowledge and poor attitude.

This is someone I have to work with as we 'share' a student and it could make thing difficult if I get into an argument with her. Besides, I am SUPPOSED to be working with a child while she's telling me all this, so I tried not to engage too much so I could focus on my student.

What would YOU have said to her if she'd spouted off this way in front of you? I am used to people asking stupid questions or having a lack of knowledge about adoption if they're not involved with adoption in some way, but this woman is an adoptive mother of TWO! I know I will see her again so if I get any great suggestions, I'll be happy to use them. Thanks so much!

AP - foster care
Additional Details
Good, positive answers so far...thanks.

I forgot to mention that the nurse told me that the little boy had only been living with her for a month when his fdad tried to fight them for custody! She seemed outraged by this ("Can you imagine? We'd already had him for a MONTH!"), but all I could think was, "a month? Big deal! He wasn't even bonded with you yet!"

Freckle Face

Hi Aloha,

Its always a tough situation when it involves work. I really feel for her children, so for them I would chose to kindly, ever so gently, educate her. Ask her if she has ever read any adoption books. Then rave about 20 things adoptive kids wish their adoptive parents knew. That's one approach.

Another would be the next time she brings this stuff up say, I'm sorry but i don't feel comfortable discussing your son's personal information. If you ever want to get together outside of work and discuss adoption issues I would be very open to that.

Once you get her out to lunch if you can.......firmly and gently state your beliefs and why. Remember you are trying to educated her for her kids. Last resort tell her to check out this awesome website at y!a adoption section. *wink*

Take Care
Freckles:)

HappyMomAnna

I would tell her that it is not okay to talk that way around young children (your client)... and then look her in the eye and say, "Oh that poor man I will pray he overcomes his drug problem it must be devastating to lose your child over a drug addiction! Do you know what kind of help he had with this problem--our country sure needs to reform our rehabilitations services.... I sure hope your little boy can find him healthy when he goes looking....

Lisa

She wants to tell the world she is a hero for adopting. She rescued her kids. She deserves a medal. She deserves a parade.

Jeez. The poor kids. Can you imagine how grateful they are going to have to be to have this exceptional adoptive mother? ugh.

Consider the ignorant source and ignore her is all I can suggest. Everything else I am thinking might cause physical harm.

Lori A

Tell her that you know this woman, (me) who surrendered willingly and that her agency told the adoptive parents that she was 3 years younger than she actually was, was on drugs, didn't know who the father was, and was a run away. Ask her if she'd ever heard of any agencies embellishing stories like that.

Yeah, it probably won't work.

Philippa

Sounds like she needs educating and actually you're in a good position to do so if you think you can handle - I know easier said than said at times. Maybe she is lonely and talked to you because she felt comfortable but sometimes it's easier to 'walk away' by changing the subject because some peoople want to believe what they want.

I am fortunate that my son's adoptive parents (closed adoption, son now living with me - he's aged 27) do believe what I tell them over what happened when he was adopted. They believed what was written - I was single and 'couldn't afford to raise him' so felt adoption was best but the real truth was I could afford to raise him and never agreed to him being adopted. It went ahead because my family and adoption agency lied right down to someone writing a letter to the ap's and signing of as me. It hasn't been easy for them to find out the truth but we are now friends as they know I don't blame them.

I chose to educate myself and now getting involved with adoption reform asnd my dh and I are adopting from foster care (older children) as we want to.

However you can't always change the way other people percieve natural parents. You need to do what's best for you and if that means distancing then do it.

kitta

First, she was behaving unprofessionally. As you have stated, your work was supposed to be with the child you both were assigned to.

She seems to have been trying to engage you in her personal adoption issues.This was unethical of her, and completely inappropriate. The time she was spending discussing her own personal situation belonged to the student, not her. She wasn't being paid to talk about her adoption situation.

Colorado, like many states, does give out personal information about natural parents, and sometimes, the rest of the natural family.This information should be treated as private.

In this situation, it sounds like there is a lot of unresolved conflict. She should seek outside help with that. The fdad isn't going to disappear. The little boy may very well want to know him, no matter what she may think of the man.

If she keeps bringing it up to you, perhaps you could tell her as calmly as possible that you really need to focus on your work...?Is there a supervisor, or other person you can talk with about this?
I wish you well with this.

Best, Kitta

cats3to2

The teacher of my Sunday school class has grandchildren adopted from some Asian country. So I have to not reply to a lot of things she says too. That's not a place to pick a fight or step on anyone's toes.

But every once in a while the opportunity presents itself for me to interject the other side of the story.

In one case the ladies in the class, who have only understood adoption from the adopting side, mentioned how long parents have to change their minds in some states. In that case I said, what you seem to be forgetting is that someone like me hemorrhages for 8 weeks after giving birth and isn't up to going to court until that point. And while you feel sorry for the adoptive parents losing a child, you seem to be forgetting that the other parents have already been grieving the loss of that child for the past 2 months in that case.

I had 5 ladies tell me they never thought of it that way - you know imagining ALL the parents to have feelings! So that's as much as I think I can get away with. When they start talking about the "feelings" of an adoptive parent "losing" a child I just bring up the loss from the other side.

Good luck. That's going to be rough working with someone like that. I would WANT to mention to her something like "I wonder how your son will feel, with you telling him he's the son of a drug dealer? Will that make him think he should do that too?" By posing it as questions you might be able to gently point out things to her without raising her defences as much as just telling her what's wrong with what she's saying.

CHRISTINE S

She's obviously adopted the children as a tool for her own gratification which is quite perverse.

I work with a psychologist who uses her clients to prove what a great person she is. (she comes out of a consultation and proceeds to tell everyone within earshot the client's problems and what a great person she is in being able so solve their problems).

Don't argue with her, but try not to be there for her to tell you these things.

Walk away from her. Do something else. Pretend you have a phone call. Or ask her to be quiet so that you can concentrate. Do any thing you can to prevent yourself from being her audience.

For your own salvation, be firm with her.

Gina

I agree with Freckle Face, I was going to suggest the same thing regarding the books. You could toss out a few names of those books and ask if she's read them, and if she hasn't (if she has that will be a scary thing) suggest that she does. Those poor kids :(

I wouldn't bother arguing with her.. You could always just smile at her and say something like "I'm afraid we have strongly opposing views on the subject of adoption...maybe we should change the topic before we end up in a friendly debate in front of the child?"

Susan O.

I probably would not have said anything. Maybe she was angry that he was a habitual druge user and wanted his child back? As in, she thought he might be exposing his child to abuse and/or neglect. I agree with you, I would have been very uncomfortable too. It sounds like it's all too fresh to her and maybe she doesn't get a chance to vent as much. I too would worry about what she's telling her children.

durdenslabs

So is the boys "fdad" his foster dad and bio father as well? It got confusing there.

Either way, it sounds like she's not the best person to talk with about a positive adoption. To pay that much seems more like agency adoption not foster. I think if the bio father wanted to fight for his son, and could provide a good life for him, then they should have let him go back to him. Worst case scenario is that the boy gets taken away again and they end up with him as their adopted son anyhow.

It's not her business to tell anyone about her sons bio family. It just seems wrong to me. If he's old enough to tell his story and wants to, fine. But it seems like she's holding a worse grudge than an ex-wife that hates her ex-husband, lol. In all seriousness though, if she says anything again tell her that you appreciate that she feels she can talk to you about things like that but that you are here for the student right now...not her. If she insists on talking with you after you're finished with the student then you tell her it's none of your business and she should find out if her son minds the way she talks about his birth father.

Vickie T

I wonder if maybe she was so inappropriately open might have to do with her respect and view of you as a Peer and someone safe she might be able to share with? Part of the inner circle. It could be just as simply as the extended support group. If might be interesting to watch and see if this person talks this way with everyone or if she talks this way with you because of the common bond.

Heather Leigh

Honestly, I don't think anything you say to her will matter. She is still waiting for you to pat her on the back for *saving* this poor child from his crack head father.

Next time she tried to tell you how wonderful she is politely tell her that you need to help the child you are teaching hopefully she will get the hint and be quiet.

kateiskate

Just tell her that you feel that kind of conversation is unproffesional and you don't really care to discuss your such heavy things while working.

Just a Mom

Given the work situation, I don't know what you really could have said. There are many different views of adoption and it is hard to hear that people don't agree with yours, you know? So she might be offended and it would ruin that relationship you have to have with her for works sake.

Maybe you could just change the subject next time?

I wish I could be of more help.

Tiffanie might induce tomorrow!

Well, it sounds like she doesn't have anyone else to listen to her and she felt comfortable with you. Whether or not what she talked about was appropriate or not, it is still inappropriate for her to be chatting about things that aren't work related while you are supposed to be helping a child.

Since you are going to be in contact with this woman regularly I wouldn't say anything to her directly. If she does it again you could go to the principal and tell him/her that you feel uncomfortable about the situation and ask him to address talking about personal business at the next faculty meeting, or just to approach her personally and mention that he has noticed her talking about personal issues on the clock and that it might make some people uncomfortable. Maybe that way she won't realize it was you directly who brought it up and it won't be uncomfortable working with her. If all else fails you could reschedule the time that you work with this child to a time that she is not around.

Hopefully it was a one time thing and now that she has it all out of her system it won't happen again. Maybe after a couple times of you not participating in the conversation she will just stop. Good luck!

Since I tend to be pretty straight forward, my comment to her would have been along the lines of "Wow that's kinda personal, why are you telling me this?"

Should the conversation come up with her again, be honest let her know that it makes you very uncomfortable that she is sharing her son's personal information with you.

C Wood

I think I would have told her some of the following things, but I'm not sure which of these.
"That's more knowledge than I need to know about your child"
"Why are you telling me these personal details? I don't need to know all this."
"I don't know you well enough to be privy to all these personal details"
"I'm not comfortable with you telling me personal details that I have no need to know".
cw

Lily

I would have told her that the time belonged to the special needs student and then got on with my work. Why did you allow her to waste this boys precious time? Never allow her to manipulate you like this again.

Stop gosiping with the nurse.

DannyBoo

TAKE A BATH

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