What would make an adoptee not what a relationship with their first mother?

realmom lese

My daughter did much the same after meeting me, and her extended family for the first time. Later, she told me she was very emotional, very overwhelmed. I was too, as she was the searcher and I was unprepared.

My daughter retreated from me and her sibs, and had to take time to process everything. She had a wide array of emotions. She was abused in her adoptive home, and saw that she clearly would have fared better with me. She was also an only child, and she saw what she missed growing up separated from her sibs, as well as me. She said the first time she came into my home and saw family photos without her in them, her heart felt like it was being crushed. She said she wanted to take all the pics and somehow add herself to them. She said she cried for days after, because for the first time she knew what she really lost. It was like a bubble of illusion popped. Her words.

She was also angry because everything she was told about me, was a lie. She confronted me right away about things she was told, and I had clear cut evidence to the contrary, and she was faced with knowing that her adoptive parents lied to her unnecessarily. She had a lot to come to terms with. With them, and with me. It is still an ongoing process, and will be for life.

Also, she told me that her lifelong "fantasy" of me was way off. Here I was, a soccer, PTA mom. She fantasized that I was a movie star, or someone famous that had a big career and chose adoption so my career would not suffer. She made me bigger than earth in her mind and I was just a regular person.

kitta

It may have been overwhelming. ..for both of them.

Most of the time, no one is prepared for a "reunion" even when they think they are.

And, most of the time what both "sides" have been told to expect is not what they see in the other person, so it is difficult to adjust to the reality.

We try not to have expectations but we still create fantasies in our minds of what we think our relatives will be like. Reality rarely fits with the fantasies.

Bodhi

I haven't sought out my First Mother for more reasons than I can probably sort out. As I've sat here trying to think of them all, and how to answer this question, I would have to say the biggest one is because I don't know how she would react. I've had several friends attempt reunions with their First Parents - a couple went well and a couple did not. The ones that did not have really scared me. I guess I insecurely think "if she gave me away once, why would she want me back?" I know, this is a bad way to think and is probably off the mark... but it's one of those painful things that some adoptees carry with them.

I'm also afraid that I'd hurt my APs. I'm so bonded to them, and identify them as my parents so strongly, that to introduce someone else in any kind of parental role seems like I would be being disloyal to them in some way. I realize intellectually that it's not, but emotionally it feels that way.

ETA: Lori, that was incredible. As I was reading through the second and third time I put myself in your daughter's place and I thought about how that would affect my life, and I thought about how it would affect my both of my Mothers. I think it would, overall, be positive - much like your own reunion. Thank you so much for telling your story... it will probably take some "getting up the guts to do it", but hearing stories like yours helps so much :)

Lori A

This is one of those questions that could have as many answers as there are adoptee's to answer it.

On top of all the things already listed it might have been one of those situations where the first parents asked for money. I don't like thinking that because I am a first mother and it saddens me deeply to think that anyone could do that. But keep in mind that we were ALL told that our children were going to wealthy families. It doesn't make it right by any means, but it could be a possibility if the parents never managed to build a life for themselves.

I do want to respond to Bohdi about searching. I feel for you. Reunion can be as much a flip of the coin as adoption can. Again in defense of surrendering parents just because she gave you up once doesn't mean she would again. I really suffered not knowing where my daughter was. It doesn't mean your mother did, but it could be the one wish she has before she passes away, to see your face one more time.

I would have given almost anything, to spend 5 minutes with my daughter again. You just never know. My daughter is also very loyal to her parents, as she should be. It was uncomfortable for them in the beginning, the same as it was for the two of us, but we all got through it.

I actually managed to meet them a few months ago. I can not tell you how nerve wracking that was for all of us, but in the end, it put to rest all the ghosts, and demons. Her mom actually called and thanked her for making that happen, something that floored me. I even got invited back and am considered a distant part of the family. There are times when things are said that hurt a little, but not enough to keep us away from one another. the whole thing is surrounded by pain and we just have ot work through it some times. all in all I wouldn't trade the 9 years I have had with my daughter for anything. I managed to find her father, so she could have access to that whole side of who she is.

I understand the loyalty to your parents, but it can still be a healthy relationship if done slowly and with respect for every one involved. I may be my daughters mother, but I am not her mom. I am simply Lori. I hope one day you can find the strength to make that leap, because no matter what the outcome it could be very good for you. My daughter's parents were told I was 13, on drugs and a run away who had no idea who the childs father was. I proved it all to be lies made up by the agency. Her father recognized me right away, and he always knew about her. She has found out so much over the past 9 years, that her sister, (their bio daughter) has noticed a difference in her, She has an inner peace now that she never had before.

Sorry for rambling, but I still believe in search and reunion. I just believe that it should be done with respect and no expectations.

sparki777

Well, my husband was adopted, and after having a health scare at the age of 30, he decided to find his biological history. They didn't get much good information from the mothers back in 1970, so he was sure he'd have trouble. When he contacted his adoption agency, it turned out that his first mom had left him a letter very recently.

First they corresponded by mail. Then they decided to talk on the phone. Then they decided to meet. He met her privately, and then very quickly, they decided to get our families together (me and our son with her husband, daughter and grandchildren).

At first, everything was great. We really enjoyed getting to know his biological family. We all seemed to hit it off. Then his first mother kind of had a breakdown. She started insisting that he call her Mother, even though they had previously agreed that it would be inappropriate. She started badmouthing his adoptive family (whom she had not met yet).

So he decided he should back off and told her that they needed more time to get to know each other, just the two of them, and dial it back to just visits with him and her. That made her angry and she pulled an "I'm your mother, you do what I say" thing. When he attempted to clarify boundaries, she told him to buzz off and never contact her again.

As for his biological father, the man is an abusive drunk, and my husband has no desire to know him.

Just two possibilities.

kateiskate

There are a lot of reasons.

My younger sister is sort of in reunion with her first mom. Her f mom found her on myspace and then reached out to her through me since my sister's profile was not active at that time. I know they corresponded for a while via email, however according to my sister they are no longer in contact.

When I asked her why, she told me that this is a difficult time in her life for reunion. She is working a lot, is in college, and is overall very busy and stressed. She doesn't have the time or energy to give to that relationship. She also still lives at home with our adoptive parents. It is a little more difficult for her than it is me because she is still given shelter by the parents that adopted us. I'm sure she fights feeling guilty and ungrateful just as much as I do, and I have been out on my own for two years now.

In her case, I urged her to keep in contact with her fmom, even if just through notes or emails every now and then because that relationship is an important one.

Daisey Duck

In this case I would guess that it didn't go very well not all reunions do. It is something every adoptee and and first parent has to be prepared for. Some work out well and others don't. For me personally I have thought about it from time to time but just really never wanted to find her. I know my history and everything surrounding my adoption. I even know a lot of my first family, just not the parents. But that has been my personal decision not to meet them or try to find her (I say her as I know my bio father is dead.) So each case is different and no one can say what is best except for the people involved.

Penny P

I have a friend who was adopted as an infant. He never met his first mother or father. He told me he never had the urge to meet them, and didn't really care what they were like as people. He feels his real parents are the ones that raised him into a man, and continue to be there for him now. He is a happy well adjusted adult. I know there are many people who disagree, it is possible to have a healthy happy life as an adoptee, and never think about having a different set of parents. I think it goes both ways too- as far as first parents, giving up a child, and not wanting anything to do with that child once she/he is given for adoption. Maybe your cousin's first mother was less than receptive to her, because she had moved on in life, and didn't want others to know she'd given a child up for adoption, that part of her life was in the past and she wanted to keep it that way. Or maybe, upon meeting her first mom, your cousin was shocked at what she found. Maybe someone not so nice..... and it was a disappointment. Who knows?

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