What would you do if your adopted child’s biological parents never intended to give their child away?

wynn

When I did my first adoption I searched for his mother right away. At first it was because I couldn't imagine some woman going to sleep at night not knowing where her son was and if he was ok. After I started my search I realized that I had to be prepared for what I might find out. My husband and I talked about it and decided that if we found our son's mother and she told us our adoption was not ethical we would bring him back to her. We went so far as to research how we could do that legally (not easy) but our searcher found his mother (confirmed by dna) and she explained her situation to us and gave us her blessing.

Because of that when we adopted this second time we adopted older children and made sure that we could speak directly to them and any remaining family they had to be sure adoption was their intention.

eta: I agree that in cases where years have gone by the whole thing becomes much more complicated That's one reason searches should be done as soon as possible. And I think it's a shame that the Indian family isn't even asking for their son back, just contact, and are being denied.

BLW_KAM

It's interesting you asked this question.

A few weeks ago I was reading the story of Desiree's children on Fleas Biting (http://fleasbiting.blogspot.com/) and it sparked a conversation with my husband. "What would we do if we found out she'd been sold or kidnapped?" I asked.

We both like to sleep at night. Neither of us would get much rest if we knowingly turned our backs on what is right just to keep what we want. We would help reunite "our" child with her/his family. It would be draining, heart breaking, confrontational, difficult (and let's face it, expensive) but we would do it.

I realize there are many who passionately disagree with those of us who adopted an infant domestically. But open domestic adoptions have at least one benefit: the APs know the children were not kidnapped or sold. It's one less thing to lose sleep over.

HappyMomAnna

I have heard this story and it breaks my heart...

I have had time to think about what I would do...

Understanding that to simply Send them Home would bring about trauma for the Children in many ways I have thought long and hard about this situation.

I would do a ton or research on the issue of children changing families at an older age--and If I had not I would attend training for families Transitioning Older children to New Families as a way to have a foundation for the needs children have when families change.

I would Go Back to the community the children's family lives in and rent a home, or stay in a hotel with some of the comforts of home... I might even try to purchase a small home if it was possible.

I would help the children learn the language, culture and spend time helping them understand the community...

I would transition the children Back to their parents if at all possible and Hope that their parents and I could work out a situation that was best for the children. If it meant that I ended up needing to live there for years so be it... If it ended up that I needed to go there every few months to help the child or children not feel abandoned so be it...

I would do whatever I possibly could to continue to be important to the children--and give them a chance to know the families they were stolen from.

When they become Adults if they wanted to return to the States I would help support them with college--I would be the Family members who wanted the best for them.

I would work hard to correct and undo the Legal Adoption and Pray that between all of the people involved I would be able to help the children cope and deal with this truth the best I know how.

I would rather DIE then know I adopted children who were loved and stolen from their parents.... I would want any future relationship with the children to be based on the truth and continue to be financially responsible for their upbringing and emotionally available to be an important person to them for the rest of their lives...

*

red elephants

I'm going to disagree with others who have posted. I wouldn't send the child back to his bio family unless the child wanted to go. We talk so much on this board about everything being about the child. That the childs well being and consideration should be the only thing that matters. This doesn't just apply to being adopted but to cases like this also.

In some of these cases the adoptions date back a decade or more. It would be horribly disruptive/traumatic to lose your family you grew up with, the culture you grew up with, the lifestyle you lead to be returned to strangers (even if they are biologically related and you had been stolen).

If the child is old enough to understand what is going on and to give their opinion it should be listened to. If they want to return to their bio family then they should be worked with on figuring out how to go about that. If they want to stay with their adoptive family they should also be allowed to do that. A relationship should be nurtured (between child and bio family) if the child wants that but doesn't want to return. Trips between the two families, regular telephone/email contact, etc. It sounds like that is more along the lines of the what bio families actually want at this point. I cannot imagine how terribly painful it is for the bio families but I also cannot imagine being a bio family and forcing a child that doesn't want to return to be returned to the bio family who are strangers. That doesn't sound like it is all about the child but about the wants of the adults.

It never should have happened to begin with but I think its much more complicated than saying you would return them and not thinking about the actual child in the situation and their feelings (even if you are saying you would slowly transition them). Its a nice moral ideal but I think fairly flawed.

sunny

It's a no-brainer.

Sad that this Indian family has had to suffer so much. The adopters are DISGUSTING.

They should turn in their human being cards. They've failed.

LORI

Wow, the adoptive parents of that Indian boy who was kidnapped are just sickening. Send our condolences but we aren't interested? Arghhh. Honestly, is that even the least bit legal??? That is the kind of thing that will get the poor kid sent straight back to India with no sort of adjustment period at all once it goes through the courts.

Anyway, I think it depends on how old the child was? If it was very small I would just go back to where the family lived and try to transition the child back into their family right away. If it was older I think I would try to do the same but it would probably be a longer and slower process. At some point I think it might be 'too late' and too damaging/disruptive for the child to actually be go back to live with the biological family though and then I would just try to have as much contact and relationship with them as possible.

Rowan

This is a very tough question to answer, as a childs mental, emotional, and physical well being are at stake. My first thought would be of course, to give the child back. Any decent human being would not be able to live with themselves if they knowingly kept a child from his/her real family.

But what about the child? Does the child want to go back? Should we include the child in the desicion or not? I would, without a doubt. Its their life.

In most cases, yes the child would want to. But, would it cause more trauma to the child to be tossed from one place to another?

I myself, yes, would give the child back. its the right thing to do.

ETA: I think its very sad that i get thumbed down for considering the child's mental and emotional health in this situation. I always think of how it would affect the child involved. Not myself.

'Insert name here'

It is not as black and white as just giving a child back after a decade. That child had been nurtered by its adoptive parents, they have brought it up and fixed that childs scrapped knee etc...although i do feel for the birth parents the childs interest is the ultimate concern here and i believe the child going back would ultimately cause more concern.

Bodhi

My first thought would be to consult a child therapist who could help me and the child's parents make a decision about what would be the least traumatic plan for the child.

It seems to me that no matter what age, just handing the child over would be pretty traumatic for them - maybe gradual visits with their parents that get longer until they're fully back with them?

I'm not a child psychologist by a long shot, so I'm speculating here - it would seem that if the child was young enough, those visits might not span as long of a time and they could be back with their parents sooner. An older child might need more or longer visits, or may never be back with their parents 100% - but that would have to be their choice, or because they showed signs of emotional trauma or something.

In any case: the child needs to be with their parents, whether that's completely and permanently or through frequent visitation. I think that decision would need to be up to more people than just me - with the child's parents being the primary decision makers.

Jackie B

I won't lie, I would try to come up with every reason why I should keep the child initially, but my conscience will win out. Any loss or grief I would feel cannot compare to the loss of carrying a child, giving birth, parenting for a while, having my child kidnapped and never knowing what happened. I would have to take consolation in that I may not have the child anymore but at least s/he is where they rightfully belong. I could only hope I could maintain some kind of contact, but realize the parents don't owe me anything.

ETA: After reading some of the other answers where in the case if the child is older, that should be taken into consideration. The last thing I'd want to do is cause more trauma, but I wonder if later on down the line if the child would come to resent me because I didn't return them to their family. I've read another story about a Chinese girl who was returned when she was 7 or 8 and how she was having a difficult time adjusting. I've decided against IA anyway, so I hope to avoid this situation in the first place.

Sophie

To answer your question, I am not sure what I'd do. I just wouldn't know.

Why does my Y!A stalker have ME blocked??? Hmmm...

Crucio

Thatâ€™s really horrible that someone would be willing to do that to two families talk about selfish. Not to mentioned the kids that truly need homes. If this happened to me and it came out in a timely fashion less than a year to 2 years - that the child I adopted had been kidnapped then I would return the child to his natural family. If we are talking like years have passed and this came out then I would be willing to stay in contact with the natural family and try to visit at least a few times a year. I donâ€™t think it would be healthy for the child to be taken from the only family he or she knows/remembers and even more in IA where theyâ€™d be going to another country where the culture would be completely different. If the child was old enough to decided which family they wanted to stay with then I think that should be done.

Language would not be a problem since if I adopted IA I would make sure my adoptive child learned their native language.

If I adopt one day it would be from the Foster Care System. If I did IA I would probably adopt from Brazil and from what I have read about their adoption program it seems to be more stable then some other IAâ€™s. For one its requirement to try and place the child with natural family if that is possible. Any adoptions have to go through their CEJA (State Judiciary Commission of Adoption). From 1998 to 2008 there have been only 571 children adopted from Brazil by US Families. Last year 2008 it was only 46 the year before that 55.

Opedial

I really have to say I don't know what I would do. In my case the mom didn't want to give them away, they were taken from her, (due to neglect etc. etc.) but even then I feel bonded to her for life and ensure I keep her in my prayers etc. and keep her alive in my children, so when they are older they can be prepared and connected best they can.

If I had found out, let's say that the neglect charges were bogus....God I can't imagine honestly giving my children back. I have to be honest that my instinct to protect myself might come out in me, but what I would want to do is find a way to help us all out. Reality and practicality don't always work out to be the same.

I think this is one of the many reasons we did not put ourselves in this kind of situation. When adopting from foster care we had great knowledge of how the children came into care and that they truly needed a family.

monkeykitty83

Honestly, I think the best thing to do is not to get into this situation at all. Prospective adoptive parents should be as ethical as possible from the start, be fully informed, and do their best to rely only on others who will also be ethical. Obviously, though, there are no guarantees, especially dealing with foreign government programs-- it just helps to be as watchful as possible from the beginning, because once the child is in your home, if something like a kidnapping went on, the damage is done.

If I found myself in this situation, I would transition the child back to the family they were taken from. I think it would be horrifically disruptive to the CHILD to suddenly find their things packed up and be dumped off with people who are, to them, strangers. So there would be no dropping off and walking away, but a process of getting to know their biological family, with the goal of the child eventually returning home. And as the former adoptive family, I would remain available for visits and contact from the child, so they wouldn't simply have people vanish from their life. If possible, I would remain in the country where the child lived, but if not, I would make clear I was still open to phone calls, letters, visits, etc.

I think the right thing to do (assuming the adoptive parents were not responsible for the kidnapping and didn't know about it) would be to transition the child back to the home they were kidnapped from, and allow the child to have ongoing contact with BOTH families.

23 year old texas female married

If I was an adoptive parent I would return a child if the child was kidnapped. But I am not an adoptive parent. I do plan to become a foster parent with the intention of returning the child to his parents. But I need to go back to school and have my life in order before I cam do so.

I think the demand for infants and toddlers is a shame. If people would have had children when their bodies where able they wouldn't be wanting to adopt now that they can no longer produce babies. I do know that some people are born infertile.

SJM

I've never had any desire to adopt, but if I somehow found myself in this position, the decision would be made by the child's parents. Adoption being all about the child is an oversimplification. Adoption is about the permanent placement of children who do not have homes or families. If the child had a home and a family, then adoption is not about that child. Any decisions that would be made, would be made by the child's parents.

Valerie!

i would give the child back, its the right thing to do

Katey S

I read the article and if the child was stolen I would give them back, if it was for another reason, THey could have a relation hip but they would be my child now.

Questioner

That is a terribly tough situation for both the parents. Also the child. You have lived with your known parents for so long, and you don't just want to switch parents. I would treat the biological parents as aunts and uncles. Visit them at least once a week, and let them have time with their child. But don't switch the child's parents. Too much stress.

Shelly P. Tofu, E.M.T.

A moot point for me.... because when I DO adopt, I am going to know the situation. I would never enter an adoption without meeting the biological parents or otherwise making 100% sure I knew all angles of the situation surrounding relinquishment.

I'm hoping to adopt through foster care, but we'll see which (ethical and 100% transparent) doors open when the time comes

Independ"ant"

I'm surprised at an Ap on here said she wouldn't know what to do......less than a year ago she blatantly said she would fight to keep her achild no matter what even if he was kidnapped.
Maybe there's hope after all.

I've asked a similar question on an IA board a year ago and the typical response was the same as the Ap in the article......."give my condolences...the child is mine now." Several of them were even angry that I would dare to address the issue.

Yep....children aren't looked at nor treated as commodities.

Gryffindor_Chasser7

I'd let the child choose who s/he wanted to stay with.

Hailey H

who cares you adopted it and payed screw them its you child

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