What would you do in this situation?

I have a situation in which one of my children receives gifts from their Nmother but the younger child receives nothing at all.

This has happened from the beginning. The eldest when she was placed with us had a small box with a few personal gifts and a hand written letter for her to read in years to come. The second child didn't have anything. Not even a letter. The thing is they have the same Nmother. I have asked that she treat them equally, but so far it hasn't happened.

Would you ask the Nmother to not send gifts at all, or try to find ways of explaining it to a child in years to come. (I did say I'd pass on any gifts and letters.)

(Before people make judgments on them having the same Nmother and that she gave up two children.... Both of my children were adopted from foster care. We didn't know about the younger one until she was six months old. It was either we adopted her or the children faced separation until they turned 18 years old. We love them both very much.)
Additional Details
I can't understand it either. (Yet she says she loves them both. ) I just don't want the kids growing up confused by it. I'm not in a position to directly speak to her about it. (Complicated.)

Kazi

Oh Serenity, I do not envy you this situation. How horrible for your younger daughter.

This is completely unacceptable on the part of the first mother. As a mother, your job is to hone the emotional wellbeing of both of your children, not protect the feelings of the first mom. Therefore, I would have a very frank discussion with their other mother about how this cruelty, and it is cruelty, will affect her younger child, not to mention a ready made set up for sibling rivalry.

She can either send gifts and letters to both children, or none. I am trying to find a rational explanation as to why she is favouring the elder daughter, but as we are speaking about innocent children here, well there isn't any rational explanation.

Perhaps, to give her the benefit of the doubt, she may think that her younger daughter doesn't really remember her. Perhaps a conversation with you about why it's important that she treat them the same will be a wake up call.

If not, your daughters come first, presents for all, or please do not send presents at all.

ETA: If you are unable to speak directly to her, well someone must be able to. I assume there is a social worker that handles these visits, so I would express your concerns to them. It's a shame you can't speak directly to her to avoid any misunderstanding, but in any case I would make myself very clear to whoever can speak with her that this will no longer be tolerated.

If you cannot speak directly to her, can you send her a letter. I'm just thinking it would be better from you than a SW.

Regardless, for the wellbeing of both of your daughters, you need to draw a line in the sand.

ETA 2: Serenity, I can absolutely appreciate and commend you for wanting to stick to your agreed upon adoption arrangement, but your first priority is to your children, NOT their mother. This rejection will hurt your younger daughter and set up an adversarial relationship between sisters. Sticking to an agreement is NOT worth that. Tell whomever you need to tell that the situation has changed. That's life. Presents for all, or nothing. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, I don't mean it to be :))) I understand the difficult position you are in.

elaeblue

I would tell her that if she wants to communicate with the older child she WILL send things to the younger one too or you won't pass on the communications.

Lori A

I agree both or nothing and if it continues just send the stuff back or refuse to accept it.

anastasia beaverhausen-the real1

wow. that is so uncool of her. i can't imagine her reasons for it. i would ask her to send letters only to both.

Gaia Raain

Totally agree with Elaeblue. Equality or nothing. How unfair...to BOTH kids! (I say this because I've known people who were treated better by their parents, and it puts them in a bad position in the family...siblings hate them, they have more to answer for, they are expected to meet higher standards, etc. So, it's equally crappy for both kids when one is treated better than the other.)

Sofiakat

This situation is very much like mine. I adopted a sibling group: a boy at age three and his sister 18 months (they are 4 and 5 now). Their mother was very attached to my son, but not my daughter. The social workers explained to me that the domestic abuse was heightened during her pregnancy with my daughter and was worse after she was born. They said that sometimes this can really interupt the bonding process between mother and baby. The abuse had not been so bad during her first pregnancy, neither was her drug use. My son was born clean of drugs and my daughter wasn't. She also only made a wonderful scrap album for my son, and not my daughter. I asked if she could make one for my daughter as well. I actually provided the pics and stickers and book and she never did it.
I know this will hurt her when she is older.
I do think she loves them both. I think she was just way more attached to her son.

Enter Your Message or Comment

User Name:
User Email:
Post a comment: