What would you say to a girl that is considering putting her child up for adoption?

want2adopt

Hi,
I would say you are faced with a very tough decision but only you know if you are physically, mentally, financially, and socially ready to raise your child or give her/ him up for adoption. If you decide to put your child up for adoption I think that you are a very loving and unselfish mother (to want the best 4 your child). Please take your time and really think it through because if you give the baby up and then change your mind (within the allowable time period) and take the baby away from her/ his adoptive parents...that is very cruel. I had this done to me. I had everything ready (nursery, toys, crib, stroller, car seat, time off work, etc...) and the day before the baby was to be placed (she was 10months old) the parents changed their minds. I was devasted (since I am infertile and adoption is my only option). I know that God has a special child out there waiting for me.

If you put your baby up for adoption, ask the adoptive parents if they are willing to do an "open adoption". This is what I was planning with the birth family. You can receive pics of your child, copies of report cards, home videos, visitations a couple times a year, and that way you won't always wonder if he/ she is healthy and happy. You will be able to see the better life your child is having.

If you keep your child, please reach out to others for help and guidance. Raising a child is a lot of work and the more love and support you have...the better it is for you and your child.

Good Luck and please keep me updated!!

You are in my prayers.

Lori A

I would tell her that she will never fully understand the ramifications until after she has lived with her decision for a while.

To read as much as she can from women who have done it, and children who have lived it.

If she really doesn't want to parent then other arrangements may be the best choice, but she needs to hear it from people who have experienced it FIRST HAND, no one else.

Jennifer L

I would ask her to make sure that she's researched everything, completely understands the process, the legalities and her rights, make sure that she's evaluated her support system, looked into all of the resources that will aid her in parenting her child, financial and general support, family, friends, etc. If she thinks they aren't in the picture and there is no danger by including them, ask again.

I don't tell people to place for adoption and I don't tell people to parent their children. I ask that people make informed decisions.

Not Adopted

-Your childâ€™s adoptive parents may divorce.

-Adoptive parents are permitted by law, to abandon your child for any reason. These situations are called "adoption disruptions" and they happen much more frequently than people realize.

-If your child dies, of natural or unnatural causes, you may never be told.

-Adoptive parents, just like biological parents, also abuse and molest children. They are not perfect.

-Your child, when misbehaving, may be told by the adoptive parents that they will be given back. This is very emotionally hurtful to the child.

-Your child may never understand how you could give them away and may grow up hating you for giving him/her away.

-Many adoptees suffer from serious emotional distress as a result of being separated from their mother (primal wound).

-The family that is adopting your child may have values and religious beliefs that are nothing like your values and beliefs.

-If you are trying to keep your pregnancy a secret by giving your baby away, there is no such legislation that guarantees you confidentiality.

-Many children are not told they are adopted or they find out very late in life and it is very disturbing to them.

snowwillow20

I would say to listen to the woman who have given their babies up. I see a lot of new people who say, it's better than abortion or the baby will be better off.
Let me say that as a first mom I know firsthand about how you are actually going to feel in 5 yrs or 10 years or 36 years, because I have lived it. We thought we were doing the right thing, but who knew how traumatic that one act would be on me and my daughter and how long I would suffer for that one decision.
At the time, we thought we were doing the best thing, we were told, it was best and that she would go to a great 2 parent house who really wanted a baby. Unfortunately, her adad died when she was 5 and she was molested by a family friend. She suffers from low self esteem.
I have my issues too, to many to go into.
She was born in 1972 and I found her in 2001. Finding her saved my sanity.

i â™¥ my horses

She shouldn't!

Possum

Don't do it.
Adoption is a long term solution to an often short term problem.
There are no guarantees that the child will have a better life - and ultimately every child wants to stay with his/her mother that he/she was born to.
No child is a gift to be given away.
This child wants his/her mother to get her act together - ask for help - and parent - and parent well.
Make sure she reads this - the TRUTH about adoption - for the mother and the child -
http://www.cubirthparents.org/booklet.pdf

Zeena

That she should consider her feelings 5 years from now, not just 5 minutes from now.

I would basically ask her why she wants to give the child up and go over her reasons, both pro's and con's involved.

It is ultimately up to her, but I would try to "light" the path because her mind might be clouded.

DevonChaos

This is a baby. A human. Not a sweater that can be returned. How callous of her to decide this now that the baby is attached to her and used to her. I find this very selfish, and not at all in the best interest of the baby. I would give her a piece of my mind.

Sly

I would tell her to listen to the women who have lived this loss for years, not the newly relinquishing mothers who are still on a high induced by the love-bombing to talk her into it. Talk to the mother who lost her child during the EMS/BSE. They have lived it for decades. Talk to the mother who lost her child during the 1980's to people like Seymour Kurtz. They know. If you can get them to talk to you privately, so the people who have their children will never find out, and they can tell you what they really think, talk to a mother of Open Adoption. If they are absolutely certain that the contact with their children will not be jeopardized by their candidness, they will tell you about the pain, the ache, the despair when their child calls another woman Mother.

I would tell her, but there are few who will listen, and fewer still who will learn. Unfortunately, they will argue and say that theirs are going to be different, they are not like that, these paps care, these paps are different.

Fine.

To that, I say, "Get back to me in 18 years and then tell me what you think then."

MamaKate

I would tell that the choice is really hers but I'd rather her not do it.

I would get her the REAL information First Parents need to know from the web sites others have listed such as Exiled Mothers and CUB - so she can protect herself from the "rainbow bunny-fart" coercion tactics of agencies. I would help her find resources and assistance for her to keep her child. I would offer to help care for her child. And if she still felt she couldn't parent her child I would encourage her to make a guardianship arrangement with a trusted family member or friend, rather than pursuing adoption. I would support her no matter what she chose (even if it were adoption) as a human being and friend.(She'll really need it if she chooses adoption!)

grapesgum

First, I would tell her that adoption is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

Then, I would beg her to read this wonderful pamphlet written by a women who regrets giving her baby away. It has influenced many women to try parenting first.

"What you should KNOW if you're considering adoption for your baby"

http://www.cubirthparents.org/edd/index.php?id=1

magic pointe shoes

I would say she really doesn't really know the pros and cons. Informed consent with regards to the effects of relinquishing doesn't properly exist in this country.

I would point her to What you should KNOW if you are considering adoption for your baby.
http://www.cubirthparents.org/edd/index.php?id=1

And I'd point her to this question and answers here on Yahoo! Answers.
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AnLcLu8eUm5Ik1EBh_aHWNzsy6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20081029190547AA0w9Hz&show=7#profile-info-7JEojMgQaa

Miss Kashan

That she is making a great decision.

Porsha

Tell her not to do it. I am an adoptee that was raised by a good family but I have really bad security issues. I always feel like someone is going to leave me. I am in the process of searching for my bio mom right now. I have never felt whole or complete and that is not good for anyone. That child will come looking for her, trust me. If she was woman enough to lay down and get pregnant, she should be woman enough to love that child, be the best mom she can be, and learn form her mistakes. She will regrete it one day, I guarantee, she will never be the same if she does it. Tell her to ask mother's who have already done it and see what they say.............ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sapphirarainxx

Adoption is a long term solution to a short term problem.
She should grow the hell up and realize that being a mommy is not something you ever EVER get to go back on.

She might not be able to take care of the baby today, but what about in a year from now when she realizes what kind of selfish idiot she is being, and wants her baby back.

She might not have the money to take care of her baby today, but what about tomorrow when she gets a job and starts to make money and wants her baby back.

She has no support, but what happens when she meets Mr Right, and wants her baby back?

Giving a baby away is something that can never be undone.

If she is abusing or neglecting her child, report her to CPS now.

If she needs help and support, google support groups in her area and help her and her baby out whatever way you can.

Krystal M

Ask her if she know anyone who would like to help her take care of it, if that doesnt work ask if she knows anyone who wants it, only then would i telll her that shes taking a risk putting her there because you dont know what will happen.

Crucio

I would not say anything to persuade her one way or the other. IMO persuading someone to parent is just as bad as persuading them to place for adoption. I would make sure she knew all her options and suggested that she have counseling. Iâ€™d advice her to read good , bad and in-between stories from Natural parents, adoptees. In the end she would have to make up her own decision and hopefully whatever she decided she would have support even if someone didnâ€™t agree with her decisions.

Absinthe

She should never give her child up for adoption. It is utter rubbish that they can't take care of the baby. Humans are the most adaptable species on the planet!
If she gives her child away simply because she doesn't feel like raising the child, she is just lazy and selfish and that's no excuse.

cfc1902

Some excellent answers here, particularly all the people who say to think of the long term as well as the short term. Unfortunately a large percentage of adoptions do not work out. Figures are not properly kept in the UK, as once the child is adopted it is classed as part of the family, so when/if it comes into care, it is only by chance that figures are recorded. Research suggests that between 10 to 40% of adoptions break down. The older the child at adoption, the worse the figures.
For details see:
http://www.hants.gov.uk/scrmxn/c31121.html
What in Britain is called "kinship care" usually gives the best outcome. On a personal note, after the death of one of my elderly relatives recently we found she had had a child adopted in the fifties. She had met up with her adopted son, and both of them bitterly regretted the separation. Teenagers go through mixed emotions - she needs help to keep the child until she can make a more balanced and informed decision. Contact the local advice lines. The authorities generally don't rush any teenager into a decision, but if there are family pressures, then the wrong decision can be made.

Tilden J.

You have to make the best choice for the Child. The Mothers emotions, and feelings don't count now. It's all about the child. If she feels she can't give the baby the life it deserves, then by all means let the baby be adopted. But once she makes that choice, she will have to be able to live with it. And it is the most unselfish thing the Mother will ever do. She will not only be giving her child a chance at a wonderful life, she will also be giving the adoptive parents, the chance at having a family, they might never have had. I have a grandson, that my daughter gave up for adoption, and it is an open adoption. I miss him, but I see his pictures every day, and I know he is with a family, that love him, and that he loves as well. And the happiness of the child, is all that matters.

Grace_Twilight

Try to get her to keep it. Maybe she just isn't ready to be a mother yet. If she thinks she just couldn't take care of the child right encourage her saying she could. :) She will make the right decision have her pray about it.

don1862

Do what is best for the baby. Every situation is different. Many young single women are not able to raise child. Many loving families want a child. Giving the child to a good family will be blessing to both the child and the adoptive family. It will always be hard for the birth mother, but she can have a peace in her heart knowing she put her child's best intersts above her own.

karcnr

It is a tough decision and one that she should receive support and counseling for. Adoption agencies can work with her no matter what she decides and give her more information and help. If she feels she can not care for the child, perhaps adoption is the best thing. Putting the needs of the child ahead of her own is a selfless and responsible thing to do. She should not feel bad for whatever she decides, there are people who can help her, I'd love to email you more information if you want to continue this.

hottpinklover89

stupid choice

why have a child if your not committed and ready.
why would you put a child through that. if you say that your not ready for a child, and you have things in your life that you want to do, and that's why your putting the child up for adoption, that is very selfish.

mccabesgurl24

If she knows the reality of the situation. Its a very difficult choice but she has to think about the child. The baby can be loved by parents who want him & give him the world. If she does give him up, she needs to get counselling & support. There are so many people waiting for an angel.

Paisley

If she can't and more importantly, DOESN'T WANT to take care of the child then why not give it to someone who does. There are so many people out there that would love to have a baby and would care for it and provide an amazing life for it. I would tell her that this child is lucky that she isn't only thinking of herself and knows that someone else can provide better for the baby.

jay

Well, I donÂ´t agree with moms giving their child for adoption UNLESS itÂ´s for a very strong reason and for me strong reason is something like, she was raped for example. Because the pain obviously is very hard to handle and just having the baby for 9 months would be excrutiating pain, yet very brave of the woman...thatÂ´s another issue.

What I would say to her is exactly this: This is an innocent and inoffensive baby that you brought to this world, whether it was because you planned it or not. The baby never asked to be here...you did. So it is very much your responsability to take care of him, love him and raise him. You are a mother...and this is your baby. But if you donÂ´t want to take the responsability, then do put him in adoption ASAP because there are many couples who are dying to be parents and will want him in a second. But never ever forget about doing this and giving up on your own baby...because one day this baby will grow up and wonder...what happened to my real mom? Why did she do it? And also remember that you might regret this once you get older...most likely you will and the pain will be overbearing for you. But itÂ´ll be too late. YouÂ´re still in time of doing the right thing...but then again, this baby deserves love, so if you canÂ´t provide that, other people will.

This is what IÂ´d say.

Kelly S

When a teen falls pregnant they have three choices - one to abort, one to keep the baby and one to put the baby up for adoption.
All three choices are extremely painful and difficult.
Abortion is a non-issue in most cases, leaving only two choices.
It all depends on the amount of support this girl is going to get (which is vital) and if no-one is backing her 100%, adoption would probably be the way to go.
Make no mistake, it won't be easy but the good news is that in years to come adoptive children and parents usually find a way of contacting one another again.

lwildmissy

i would say that that would be making a really good choice.. if she doesn't want the baby then chances are she won't take care of the baby. so giving it up would give the baby so much more

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