What would you tell a child in this situation?

We have a 3 year old foster daughter. She has not been with us very long and is currently not available for adoption however due to her situation she will likely be available for adoption.

Basically her mother killed her baby brother. Left him in his crib, with her in the house until he died. SHe never checked him in over a week. It is big local news and if you google her name tons of horrible things come up.

My question is for adoptees:

We were thinking if we did adopt her we would give her our last name and since she's three I think she would forget her current last name. We wouldn't tell her her last name while she is growing up. Even an 8 or 10 year old might google their name to see what would comeup. We would just give her age appropriate details when she asked (your mother couldn't care for you, your mother had a drug problem and did some bad things and went to jail, etc). That way when she reached adulthood we could tell her more about her mother if she wished to know and it wouldn't be a total shock.

My thinking is I wouldnt want her to know the specifics until she was mature enough to handle it (the best anyone could handle it) and if we didn't tell her her last name she wouldn't be able to find out.

Am I wrong in thinking about going about it this way? I have been running senerios through my head its just such an awful thing. I honestly dread the day I would have to tell her. Advice?
Additional Details
opedial- I am aware of how the foster care system works. I was a foster care case worker before I had my son.

I realize she is a foster child but do not feel this is premature because it is a very real possibility.

The baby died when she was two and she was placed in relative foster care. They abused her so she was placed with us. There are no viable family options for placement this has been investigated.

Anna

You are making the right decision about it. i can see you love her to think of this because your already looking out for her in the long run....its good to know they are still decent people on this earth.. good luck and i hope the best for you

Steve K.

You would probably be astonished what a 3-year-old can remember; especially things as basic as their names; it's one of the first things they learn.

I think that you're doing the right thing giving her age-appropriate details. That's the best any parent can do. But, believe it or not, she's probably going to be ready to hear the whole truth when she is a lot younger than you would like for her to be.

Something you have to remember: you always want her, as your daughter, to be honest with you. Children learn honesty and trust from their parents. If their parents are honest to them, then they will be honest with their parents.

Another thing to keep in mind: even though her biological mother committed a horrific crime, make sure you NEVER say anything against her, because if you do, then your daughter might be ashamed of who she is because of her biological mother. Make sure you say things like "Your mother didn't choose the best path for her life, and she chose to do some things that were very wrong" instead of "Your mother was a very evil person." Yes, you need to make it clear to her that what her mother did was abominable, but you also can't ever talk 'bad' about her mother. Yes, I know, it's a very fine line that you need to dance on, and it's going to be tough to do it. But if you're careful, you can do it.

anastasia beaverhausen-the real1

honesty is always best. i think kids are more perceptive than we assume.

i think you should be careful how to word things, because you don't want to insult her dna.

but honesty is the way to go.

â˜ Bunky â˜

I would not do that because eventually the truth will come out and she will feel betrayed. I think if she asks you should tell her that you will explain the whole situation when she is older. If she persists I would tell her what happened using a less graphic story. Explain that something happened to her brother because there was a problem with Mommy's brain and he died. You have to put in words a child can understand. At least that way she knows the truth without the gory details. Good luck

Mom to Foster Children

OMG - this has got the be the sickest thing I have ever heard and am glad that she is with you now. You would be amazed at what she actually does remember but is maybe suppressing. Although, yes she will "forget" "suppress" her last name - I think it's totally fine if you change her current last name (we are adopting and changing last name only) and also to keep this information from her until she is mature enough to handle it...but I would say on top of mommy couldn't take care of you there are other reasons that you are too young to understand. So it's not too much of a shock to her when she is grown and will be able to process information more than she will now.

Freckle Face

Hi Reneaumommy,

I think it is better she hear the truth from you than from someone else.(age appropriate) She will probably have some memories or even flashbacks, its better to talk about them rather than having her repress them. I know it sounds like a horrible mess for a little child to deal with and it is but she is stronger than you know. Remind her that life is about choices so she feels empowered to not repeat her history. Simply give facts free from judgment, it may be hard but you HAVE to so she doesn't have a negative self image. Remind her she has your love and she can always lean on you for support. You sound like an amazing mommy. Best wishes to you and your daughter:)

ETA: oops missed that you were asking adoptees, sorry.

opedial

First of all you have to remember she is currently a foster child, so this is premature. You never know what relatives will come forward when they start talking adoption. (trust me I have seen it happen)

As for the names, we adopted a 4,5,6 year old and they knew their last name, and we of course changed it to ours. (We also altered first/middle names but long sotry on that) What we do not do is hide that the names were changed. They know their original last name and we say its like when I changed my name to my husbands....i still have links to my mom and dad, and so to do my children to their bio mum and dad. These links may not be seeing them, touching them, or even good links, but they are links nonetheless. What good is hiding a child's past. It is better to allow them to work through it at their pace. Maybe at three she remembers stuff already.

I am of course an advocate for altering a child's last name to yours in adoption, I would just not hide that you did so. Only open and honest communications can benefit the child. Yes she may go through some trauma at learning about her past, but if you add the trauma that her new adopted mom lied about it or hid it from her, for that she will be angry. She deserves to know who she is.

Best of luck.

Snickette

It sounds like you're doing the right thing. I wouldn't overload her with all the specifics until she's old enough to understand the full impact, and by changing her last name you're giving her a link to your family as well as the bio one.
I think you will know your daughter best and should play it according to what you think she can handle.

Best of luck to you and her, she's been through so much the poor sweetie.

Rowan

I agree with Anne. you are definitely thinking about what is best for the child.

chasity r

oh wow..that is rough. I am so happy you want to adopt her now! That is so wonderful..your a great person!

Wish I could be something

I was adopted. My mom adopted me when i was 4. She always told me i was adopted and my mom wasn't good. She never held me back from trying to meet them or anything. I knew everything about my messed up family. You don't have to worry about her being mature enough to handle it. Let her know now and even more when she understands. Its not right to hide the truth from her. I know it was a horrible situation. But if you do she will be messed up. Mentally. Take it from me.The lady that gave me birth abused me and left me in a car to die. I have made my decisions growing up that i don't care about those people. My adoptive mother who is my REAL mom in my eyes. Always kept it real..The truth hurts....But life goes on

manda_malevolent

Thats awesome that you want to adopt this child. I'm adopted and my parents have told me since the get go that I was and I never looked at my parents any differently. In my opinion I think it would be better to tell her she is adopted then later on answer her questions. You don't want your daughter to resent you. Good luck and Congrats:)

Annabelle

You are definately right about being concerned. In fact I would stop telling her story all together to anyone besides her. You dont want her to hear about it from other people! You are however going to have to tell her the truth and I dont know how long you can protect her from it. Dont wait too long or she will resent you. I would also change her last name if nothing else but to stop being recognized by her name especially if you live in a small community.

Autumn & Jayden's Mommy!!

I feel the same way about my situation. My daughters "father" left me when she was a month old and signed away his rights...long story. He is a loser, now my daughter has had my fiancees last name and has since she was 6 months old. She has always known him as her dad. I think I should tell her small info when she is older, maybe 7 or 8 or myabe even 11 or 12ish and the whole story when she is 18 so she can decide if she wants to ever meet him...

I dont want to scar her by telling her these things, but I dont want to lie to her either, I want her to know the truth, what if she finds out one day? what if he shows up? (he is in NY we are in FL) Im so confused about the situation, I also DREAD it like you said. Sorry if my answer wanst any help!!!!!!!!!

2/20/2009

I think you should definitely change her last name if you adopt her and tell her just simply that her mother was not able to care for her. Do not go into further details until she is positively mature enough to handle the truth. I would think maybe when she starts her own family.

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