When I ask a question about adoption why do people try to convince me that I should keep my baby myself?

Santa's Lil' Helper

I think you should do what YOU feel is right. Do not let someone bully you either way.

Rowan

Do what is right for you. I won't advise you one way or the other. I am an adoptee who had the good fortune to have wonderful adoptive parents. However, there are many here who are not so lucky. They are trying to give you one side of the coin, having experienced what they have.
Before you make ANY decision one way or the other, speak to a counsler, before you go to the adoption agency. They will be able to help you make an informed decision.

snowwillow20

Because as a firstmom I know how I felt after going home empty handed from the hospital. I know how I felt after her first birthday and Christmas. I know how I felt when she was 5, 10, 29 and I didn't know if she was dead or live. I know how I felt when I found her at 29 1/2 and how a weight was lifted off my heart. I know that I am not alone and that most firstmoms feel as I do.
I know that open adoptions are not enforceable, that you will never forget, that it's impossible to go on with your life as though nothing has happened.
Before you make this huge decision, you need to talk to other women who have given their children away.

cruzgirlz3

It is just one point of view. But considering the position you are in it might be wise to look at all points of view even the ones you are uncomfortable with. It is your decision, but when you make it, make sure you have listened to a variety of experiences. People here have been where you are and they have some good insights.

MamaKate

Because some of us have been where you are. We can tell you from experience that if you are "slapping yourself [sic] everyday for forgetting to take your birth control pills" that there is a high probability that you will be slapping yourself everyday for giving up your child.

Those of us who have been where you are now, felt the doubt that you feel and struggled with the decision you are making want you to be fully educated and know the truth about what you are considering.

We are afraid of seeing you here in six months to a year posting questions like these:

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=Ao6GjLBp9CjvnUCfw_8Np8Hsy6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20081112145833AAHTvMs&show=7#profile-info-qM14mjFqaa

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=Aj.v2wyU._4jnBa77eSVAL0jzKIX;_ylv=3?qid=20080629152731AAq7QH2

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=Ao50SAPH92F8cmAUNtYIZOsjzKIX;_ylv=3?qid=20070313155710AAi2Iqo

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AhcLimZKg0Ue3CQNx.jcajgjzKIX;_ylv=3?qid=1006050513749

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AjpXQ_n8fs95.zXZyVEDHLEjzKIX;_ylv=3?qid=20070520150454AA1a9Af

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=Aj2IXLamRNBHthDDQg9D9SwjzKIX;_ylv=3?qid=20061114202135AAF4hpA

Or your child in 15 years asking questions like this:

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AhEIX.LhQJmrGIP35UytSfIjzKIX;_ylv=3?qid=20081007200624AAk7lhS

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AmnPBjal7RUW8VG1U6XukFjty6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20081103070807AAaVRua&show=7#profile-info-byXnSB6iaa

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AhrjJ9.MqPN18WHryUrOhl7ty6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20080911202024AA5ifNI&show=7#profile-info-ecS1OuaBaa

We just want you to get ALL the information. Read some of the blogs by adoptees and first parents and THEN decide what you want to do. HOLD YOUR BABY and then decide what to do. Adoption is a LIFE LONG, PERMANENT decision. You need to know what you are getting into.

That's why.

ETA: Your screen name is right, I'm not perfect either. NOBODY IS. I learned way more than I wanted to from my mistakes and I don't want anyone else to have to learn the hard way. One thing I have learned is that I don't have to be perfect to be a great mom and neither do you.

****

Lori, thanks for the compliment. It means a lot coming from you!

Carnie C

because some people on here believe that a baby should stay with their bmoms NO MATTER WHAT! they don't look at the whole situation and how YOU feel about it.

because you throw water on their fire that all relinquishments are coerced; that all are aparents are greedy baby-nabbers, etc.

I'm adopted -- trust me, your kid will be okay should you decide to adopt.

Just make sure you get counseling.

Lori A

In all honesty if you think you will hurt or neglect your child then maybe other arrangments should be made. But IF YOU NOTICE the answers you have gotten from women who have been in your shoes are only trying to protect YOU. I don't care how tough you think you are (trust me no one was tougher than I when making this decision) you are not tough enough to go through this alone for the next 18+ years without back lash. You will be on here again asking the same questions that Mama Kate posted or you'll be pickling yourself some where with guilt, remorse, anger and low self esteem. (By the way good job Kate)

The loss of a surrendered child is not like the loss of a child through death. Death has closure, you know where that child is and that they are not hurting any more. I am by no means making light of loosing a child to passing away. What i am saying is that as the stories that some seem to pass off as a fluke start to show up in your local paper and on the news, you will not be able to turn away not thinking that maybe this was your child. It is indescribable what women of surrender feel when another adoptee ends up dead, tortured. It may only happen once in a while and your child may in deed be fine, but the thought will always be there, even in the so implied one in a million instances.

We don't need to know you to want you to make an informed decision. If you think you will hurt this child then by all means give this child a shot at a better arrangement. But be fore warned not all adoptees get the great home with the pool and the pony. Can you live with the possible reality that your child might have actually been better off with you compared to what they got? That you may be sending them off to something far worse?

ETA: Okay I tried but I just can't resist. How ironic that someone trying to get their hands on your child would have this last name. Sorry just too funny to me.

Mei-Ling

Because they are mothers who have relinquished and they have BEEN THERE.

They were once in your position - young teenagers, possibly unemployed, no support, thinking that everyone BUT them knew what was best for the baby.

Please read this blog; it is written by someone who was pregnant in her teens and KEPT it when no one else encouraged her to do so.

http://joy21.wordpress.com/

Bee ~Brit Mum~

Personally, I highly commend you for your decision. Takes a brave person to pick adoption over abortion. If it's on here that you're receiving the criticism/judgement, then remember there are a lot of bitter birth mothers on here who regret their decisions. I don't care how controversial that is or how many thumbs downs that gets me, it's true - I can't tell you how many questions I've seen where a person has said they're thinking of adoption and they've had birth mothers bashing them telling them to have an abortion or keep the baby because THEY live with the regret about their decision every day. They forget that not everybody is the same as them, and they also forget that once you're pregnant it's about what's best for the baby, NOT them. Everybody I know in my personal life who is an adoptee is very happy, and the couple of people I know who've given babies up for adoptions say they made the best decision. This place just collects a lot of bitter people who feel the need to inflict their sorrow upon other people - just think about it, if they were entirely happy about their pasts then they wouldn't feel the need to come online and talk about it would they - which is why there's so much negativity on here. Personally, when I fell pregnant young I kept the baby and it was the best thing I ever did. But I know that isn't for everybody, and for someone to make the brave, and rare, decision of giving that baby a life over killing it for their own convenience, that takes someone special. Ignore the criticism.

Not Adopted

"How can someone know that I'll be best for the baby when they don't even know me?"

I don't get it - if you don't want opinions, don't post a question here.

Megan F

It sounds like you are trying to give your baby a better life and that is very courageous. There are so many people who cannot have children who want them more than anything.

I guess people have the "you made your bed, now lie in it" mentality. But I think what you are doing is great. Good luck and god bless.

jimbell

It doesn't necessarily mean that people are being judgmental. Many of the posters here were in your position.
They are trying to tell you that you should be aware that putting a child for adoption is not going to be easy on you. You should be prepared to deal with some rough emotional times once the adoption goes through, even though you are completely sure that you were not coerced into it, and that you did the right choice.

Brown Sugar

good for you! you chose life over death for your child! don't worry about what other people say about your decision. some lucky couple will be glad to raise your child. there are so many people who cannot conceive, and so many babies needing good homes that adoption is a wonderful alternative. i am proud of you! you go girl!!

Katie T

Probably because everyone hears the horror stories of little kids being adopted and then being abused in one way or the other. Don't listen to anyone, you know what's the best decision for you and your child. I placed my daughter for adoption on 2004, it was definately the best decision. It was an open adoption and we keep in touch. I couldn't have given her half the life that her adopted parents are. Placing your child doesn't mean you love your baby less, it means you love them enough to place them somewhere better.

karcnr

I agree with many others, in saying you should do what you feel is right. Placing the baby with a family that can provide what you are currently unable to is a very selfless act and respectable. It is taking responsibility for your actions and very commendable.
I just love this quote about adoption:
"Contrary to what some may believe, unwed parents who place their children for adoption are not taking â€œthe easy way outâ€ or abandoning their responsibility. Instead, they are placing the needs of their children before their own feelings and desiresâ€”the essence of true parenthood. Such a decision is deserving of the highest commendation and respect. "

I wish you all the best in finding the right parents for your baby.

BPD Wife

This is truly a decision you need to make on your own. No one should influence that decision - including people here, friends, family, attorneys, adoptive parents, or counselors. The only two people that have a say in this decision should be you and the child's father.

That being said, always remember when making your decision, to do so based on what is best for the child. When adoption is done with the child being at the center of it, it is much better for everyone involved - including the child.

But in the end, you need to do what is best for you (and of course, the child).

Good luck to you.

cassbow35

due to an ruptured ectopic pregnancy with twins i can not have children and i have been looking to adopt a new born for a while now and i am married and financially stable and i think that it what want that maters a child is a Precious gift and the decision you make will affect you for the rest of your life

cmc

There are people here that think adoption is never the right answer. I don't agree with them. However they will tell anyone that asks a question such as yours to keep their baby.

Only you can decide what is the right answer for you. This is only a place to solicit opinions from strangers. In the end you decide what the answer is. Every baby deserves to be wanted, loved, and raised in a safe environment. You need to decide if you can give this to your child, or if you want to choose another family that can do this for him/her.

Barry

Because people love to judge, as if they have a right. Honestly, everyone these days is quick to give their own aggressive and judgemental advise, instead they should be looking at their own lives and fixing what needs to be fixed. Its a way for people to make themselves feel better about themselves and their lives. If the judge, it makes it seem as though they know all, and therefore they can pretend that their life is ok....that they are making the right decisions when in fact they aren't.
I agree with you completely, although it was a bit irresponsible to not take birth control pills or miss them, you are clearly making a responsible choice in giving the child up. There are thousands of infertile couples who are waiting for a baby to raise.
Don't let people change your mind or make you feel bad for making this decision. They're ignorant to insist you keep a baby you don't want, or cannot take care of.
Good for you, best of luck.

RPMR

There are many mean spirited and bitter adoptees on YA. People here are blinded by their personal experience and they refuse to understand that every situation is different! Off course there are plenty of bad cases out there where everything happened for the wrong reasons, but there are mothers who simply can't raise their babies or JUST DON'T WANT THEM! I know this hurts but it's true! Before you make such an important and life changing decision make sure you get counseling OK? Good luck and may God bless u and ur baby.

be happy, be you

Well you obviously love your baby if you know that there is somebody out there who will take care of the baby. At least you didn't abort it! There are so many amazing couples out there who will do anything for a baby, except conceive one of their own. I know that you are not only making your life happier but the life of a happy couple!

Enter Your Message or Comment

User Name:
User Email:
Post a comment: