When a child is adopted is innocence lost?

almost human

one of my earliest memories is hiding around and peeking out from behind my father's legs while he was talking with neighbors. it was sheer terror then and is sheer terror now to meet new people. these were the legs of my abuser, but even an abuser's legs are preferable to unknown legs, because unknown legs put you on airplanes and ship you off to foreign lands.

how disturbing that a child's earliest memories are of being terrified, that our worst fears are realized in ways we could not begin to fathom. every person we had trusted has betrayed that trust - from our first families, to the orphanage and adoption agency, to our parents. yet we are always expected to happily adjust to every new situation.

the life of a child is supposed to be about exploration and discovery. but you can not explore or discover when you are terrified of the next displacement, the next person betraying you. you are forced to think about self preservation instead. childhood is a concept you'll never know. innocence is for the privileged. there is no such thing as being care free. but we are expected to behave like our carefree innocent peers.

we adoptees are viewed as malleable and resilient. we are seen as empty vessels to fill with new cultures, new environments, new relationships. but our histories do not know or understand this. they remain locked within us, discouraged from speaking, unable to express our loss, unable to grieve, to be resolved, to heal.

we are tiny veterans of war, old souls trapped in incomplete bodies. the only comfort allowed us comes from the strangers whose hands we were placed into, our benevolent captors. people who tried to shape and mold us into images of themselves. we must be creative and find ways to cope. we hold things together as best we can, but we know too well how vulnerable we are. we know we are at the mercy of others.

and so we learn to adjust.
but the terror remains.

Sofiakat

My son cannot do imaginative play. It is sad. When he first came we were shocked that he could not pretend. I believe this is a direct result of past trauma, foster care, and his adoption. I watch his sister play barbie and watch her pretend to be a mom and a crocodile and a flower. I watch her talk to the trees and pretend she is a princess. My son can do none of these things. His fantasy life is to based in reality. For him, he imagines that he is with his mom. For him, he is to busy being hypervigilant to pretend to be a dragon. Even now while shopping for Christmas presents I need to find presents that he can "do" not so much play with. There is no point in buying him cars or spider man toys. There is no point in buying him a cape or a cowboy costume. I have tried for three years to actively imagine with him, to guide him in dress-up games. The only imaginative play he will do is pretend that he is a baby and ask me to rock him and sing "baby" songs to him. For God sakes he is only 5 going on six. He should be spiderman and a cowboy. When I ask him what he wants to be when he grows up he does not say an astronaut. He says he wants to be a FATHER.
So yes. Innocence is Lost.

Linny G

I think my innocence was lost. I never had happy dreams as a child. They were filled with terrifying images of being kidnapped, or being lost.

I was extremely distraught every time my parents left to go out for an evening. I also could not spend the night anywhere as a child, because I was too afraid my parents would not be there when I returned.

I was always sad, and I verbalized that I "missed my mom", even though I was placed with my parents at 5 months. My a family did not exactly dismiss my emotions, but did not explore them either. I was just told, "you are being silly, I AM your Mother."

I felt different, and it made me sad, and it was made worse because my sadness and feelings of loss and abandonment were trivialized, and I was made to feel guilty for my feelings.

I think if I had been allowed to freely discuss my n family, I would have been a happier child, therefore innocent. I cannot "blame" my a parents in a traditional blame way as if they had physically abused me, because they were only doing what the adoption agency told them to do. It doesn't and didnt make it hurt any less, though.

DevonChaos

My mother never held anything back as far as my adoption, and many of the other more harsh realities of the world. Sometimes I wish she had. I've always been so afraid of losing someone, that I shut my self off completely to a lot of my family, for fear that they would die or move as soon as I allowed myself to feel for them. I've been afraid that I would be alone my whole life also. I never remember having that warm "I am loved" feeling before I met my current husband. It always felt like I had to "be" what my parents wanted, a ballerina, a musician (only the instruments that they wanted, though, of course) and get good grades. Everything began to fall away. I stopped wanting to dance, but didn't say anything for years, because I was afraid of what would happen. I didn't have the ability to get good grades though, and this always made me feel even more sub par in their eyes. I was rather good at music, which was my one saving grace with them. Looking back, I wish I could have spoken my mind about these things and actually been listened to. I felt like since I was adopted, they went through a ton of trouble to get me, and therefore, I needed to be everything they wanted and more. Around age 13 though, I rebelled in every way I could. At age 16 my mother found a way to "return" me and other than a few months where it was either live with her or be homeless, I've been away from her ever since.
I never had that sense of hopefulness or innocence, even though I have a great imagination.

Beth K

I entered counseling as a young adult because I was having trouble in relationships. I knew but had not shared the fact that I was adopted immediately. After processing with my therapist for several months he determined that I suffered some separation anxiety. I could figure out where that would stem from, but it did make perfect sense when I looked at my behavior pattern from the time I was able to crawl (a simple infant).

Later in life I met my bio-Mom and learned that she kept me for four days after I was born before placing me for adoption. I then was given to a family and something happened so I lost two months of information before being placed with my adopted family.

I don't know if I would say innocence is lost but I would say that there are potential for emotional challenges as the child grows. Honestly, openness, and a strong sense of love are key elements to make things better and easier.

Independ"ant"

Yes and I think that children display their loss in different ways based on their environment, survival instincts and more importantly ability to cope emotionally.

"I wonder if that emotional load is compounded by the fact that this is not often recognized as a loss, or allowed to be discussed?"

Yes...of course. It reminds me of the blind leading the blind.
Its something that can't be cured by kisses,a new bike, lollipops or a hot meal.

Obias

GREAT question.

Yes, I support this theory all the way. This thought reminds me of what someone wrote here a few days ago when someone asked them what it's like to be adopted, in which they said "What's it like to not be adopted?". I believe the loss of "innocence" might be exactly the thing that forever changes our character as we grow.

However maybe innocence isn't the word, maybe it's just that we lose our ignorance or are no longer naive.
I can remember going to friends houses and watching them with their (biological) families. It didn't matter whether I was 7 years old, or 14 years old. There was always that thought constantly playing in the back of my head. Most children raised to their birth families are ignorant of real life, and the fact that it's never too early for a life changing event.

I never looked at them in jealousy or disappointment in the fact that I, their little dinner guest, was raised to cope with the fact that the woman who carried me was willing to give me to another family. Growing up I often caught myself looking at my friends the way a teenager looks at an oblivious 4 year old. They have no idea. Adopted children have been exposed to the best and worst of life's obstacles from the moment they left the hospital room.

But, on the bright side, what traits most adoptees inherit from their life is early maturity (some might not view this as a positive), compassion for others, and the ability to genuinely help those who may go through a related experience. I don't regret a thing.

RPMR

YES! My son is a very happy and creative child... but I know something is not right! He was in foster care for 3 years and he is 3 yo! We've had him for 4 months now. Whenever he does something naughty he tells me I can take him back! I just hug him look him in the eye and tell him of how loved and wanted he is and that no matter what we will always be a family. That we are not going anywhere! But so far he has not been able to understand that! It makes me so sad. I just want to scream some times. I will keep reassuring him until he just knows it! Doesn't matter how long that takes. I love my son and I will never give up on doing my best to raise a good and fulfilled man! I suspect he was abused in his ex foster home. After all they did decide not to adopt him because he was "not white enough." (foster mom's words) But yes he has lost his innocence and trust in people. Can you blame him?

Erin L

Hi Sunny,

As a mother, I do see a certain "burden" that my little girl (3 years old today. Happy Birthday baby girl) seems to carry. I'm not sure it's exactly a "knowledge" based thing, more of a weight that loss adds to any person. That being said, there are definitely a lot of times I see her experience the childhood "wonder" in the normal things kids find wonder in. I'm sure not being allowed to discuss it would definitely add to the load, so I really try to do everything I can to not let that be put extra upon the loss my little girl has already experienced. I'm definitely in the acknowledging loss mode right now as my heart is so full of pride for my amazing little girl today, and yet so heavy as I think of her first mother's grief today.

opedial

I have thought about this, but I have seen my children bounce back into the wonder and innocence quite nicely. One child has many behavioural problems as a result of the process, but the other two, they are enchanted with the world and all it provides. When I ask about their first mom, they say "yeah I miss her, but we will see her again some day". They have not yet felt that loss, and I am n ot pushing. If they can push their pain down to enjoy what is left of their childhood, I am more than happy to oblige. (even dressed up as pirates for teh birthday!)

So althought innocence can be challenged, I think the wonder and innocence can be regained, if only temporarily as a way for children to reclaim their childhood and move forward. I think the challenges and pain will come later in this life. Until then, snow angels, princesses, priates, and all sorts of free play is in store!

BOTZ

Yes, and yes, and yes.

My innocence was lost. My first memory (that I can actively recall at will) is from when I was 18 months. I had already been with my adoptive family for 17 months by then. I was in a swimming pool and my a-dad handed me to my a-grandma. I can literally recall that I thought I was going to die.

BTW, I didn't 'remember' it like I just described it. When I remember it there are no words...only feelings. The memory didn't contain all the details. I have had those filled in my family members and photos. But the memory is EXTREMELY strong -- I can even 'smell' it when I choose to recall it.

Horrifying.

I also have a memory of my birth (which I didn't know was a memory of my birth until I reunited). It is also terrifying and traumatic.

I'm fully aware that I'm 'broken'. I'm not proud of it but nor am I ashamed of it. I'm just trying to deal with it. I had no hand in it's creation...I'm just left to clean up the 'mess'.

tattooedgemini

i think that depends on how it's handled and their age

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