When and how did you tell your adopted child? What age is best?

aloha.girl59

We adopted our son when he was 2-1/2 years old and have always talked with him about adoption. The words "first mother" and "adoption" have been part of our vocabularies since the day we brought our son home with us. Our son's adoption is his story; his history. It's his right to know where he came from and that we are not the people who created and birthed him. He knows he is loved by us AND by his first family and so far he feels comfortable talking with me about his first family. The only way I see that trust and comfort continuing is if I continue to be honest with him about his origins and his history.

furfur

My daughter has been told since we adopted her in infancy. She is three now and at this point knows she has two moms and that she is adopted. As she grows older and capable of higher level thinking we will provide more explanation and details.

Kazi

Adoptive parent here,

I think it's best to tell a child they were adopted right from the beginning, so that it is something they grow up always knowing and it is simply weaved into a part of who they are.

Which is what we did.

dragonfly51

I agree with your first answer. I was not adopted but my best friend was and she grew up knowing. When she was little (we went to church together) she had a picture of her biological mother and her adoptive parents. She referred to her biological mother as her "other mother." She grew up to be well rounded knowing that she was loved by all that brought her life, biological and adoptive.

Randy B

My adopted children are both a different race from my wife and I so it's not as though we could hide things even if we wanted to. With that in mind, we have always talked to them about it from the time they came home (as infants). It's always been a special part of who we were as a family and for that reason there was never any need for a "sit down talk" about it all. We talk about it and they ask questions when and if they want. Well, the 15 year old does, the 7 month old doesn't ask much in the way of questions yet.

Serenity71

A child should grow up knowing about themselves and the way their family came together.

Start from the time they come home with children's books that have a gentle way of enabling them to gradually understand what the word adoption means.Their own Life story books with words and pictures are a good way of doing this too. Along with family tree's that show both the genetic and adoptive links to them.

In some states (Aust) the AP signs a legal agreement that their child will grow up knowing they are adopted and you have to show how you will be doing this during assessments after placement.

Every parent has their own way of talking about it with their child.

Heather B

It's not a one time event, it should be incremental according to age and understanding and the child should know it's OK to talk about it and ask as many questions as they like.

A book written especially for adopted children by an Adoptee author is "Tell me a Real Adoption Story" by BJ Lifton.

Angela R

We adopted our children when they were about 6 months old, and we've been talking to them about their adoptions from the very begining, even though they're just now begining to understand what we're talking about.

Kashi

I was adopted as an infant and always knew I was adopted. I don't remember being told, but I do remember asking about it when I was a child. My parents told me when I was very young. They explained that they couldn't have a baby of their own and that they were able to raise me. I asked some silly question, like "why did you pick me?". It has always been an open topic in our family and I think that has made all the difference. They even adopted a baby boy 4 years later, and I got to participate in that a little bit. I even remember going to see him at the adoption agency and holding him. I felt fine about it because that's how I grew up. It was just that way it was. I get so frustrated with other people waiting so long. It just makes it harder on the child. They feel lied too- and they were! They had an adoption show on TV yesterday where this lady said she wouldn't tell her daughter she was adopted until she was 18 because she didn't spend all that money just to have her be angry and hate her at 15 and walk out. I couldn't believe my ears! She would have to lie for 18 years about her birth, medical history, etc. How awful!

Corn is not dog food! No wheat!

Don't keep it a secret.

Ever.

Before she brings home the baby, she should have a bunch of "I'm adopted and it's great", type of children's books.

She should have the child's "first mother's" picture framed in the child's room.

There should never be a time where this news is a surprise to the child. It should be a matter of fact part of their day to day lives. They don't have to harp on it, but they should never cover it up or make it seem shameful. They should ALWAYS be willing to discuss the adoption when the child wants to.

Dreamweaver ILF posse 2009

I was told when I was 5 but my baby book was an adoption baby book so I always kinda knew. The 'telling' was just a formal recognition of it and question/answer thing. That continues to this day-and I'm 39! My parents are amazing.

Hannah S

I agree with Bee. I was adopted from birth and told from the time I was old enough to understand i knew. don't wait til the child is in school, then if someone else tells them it could cause issues. just don't make the bio parents sound all mean like they gave them away make it a good thing

Dayle

Two of my children were adopted when they were almost three, so they were aware of the transition from foster home to adoptive home. They knew from day one they were adopted. Our youngest son, has been with us since he was five days old, even though the adoption was not finalized until this past June, he is three and a half. We chat about adoption, we want him to be familiar with the word adoption, and in time understand what it means. It has not been a one time conversation, we have discussed adoption with our children periodically, through out their childhood.

Bee ~Brit Mum~

Sorry I'm not an adoptive parent, but one of my old friends from school was adopted as a 3 month old, and he grew up knowing, he said he doesn't even remember them telling him because right from day one they were always open to him about where he came from and how he came to be with them. He has never had any issues about the fact that he's adopted, he's so far not felt any need to seek out his birth parents (who knows that may change in the future but for now he's happy), and he's always said he loves his adoptive parents in the exact same way everyone else loves their bio parents.

shakiya00

That's a good question. My husband and I are looking into adopting a 3-5yr old. But i know at that particular age, the kid would know she's adopted if we were getting her from a foster home or adoption agency . but id begin being honest and open from day one that way when you are able to tell them, they will know you arent telling them to hurt them and may not take it as hard. if necessary, i'd probably have a picture of the birth mom and say this is your birth mom and go from there and be prepared to answer any questions. kids ask questions.

Amber B

I think it's best that the child grows up knowing... In fact, why not celebrate the fact with a party every year on the anniversary? It shouldn't be some dark secret. It's a reason to celebrate.

buttercup

i was adopted as a baby i grew up knowing this but i can't remember been sat down and told. On my 16th birthday my parents asked me if i was curious about my birth parents i said no and to be honest at that age i wasn't., but then as i got older i just wanted to know one question.. WHY. When i was 30 my birth mother contacted me she answered my question and i haven't been in touch since. I know this must be hurting her but i have had a wonderful upbringing with a mother and father who i love dearly.
My brother is the opposite he has been searchin since he was 18 he is now 45
People who adopt children are very special people im sure your aunt will be a great mother y have i got 3 thumbs down?

Indian-vision

Our dd is 2 and we read books on adoption and talk to her about adoption. As she gets older and starts understanding speach better we talk more and she will be able to initiate a conversation on this subject with us.

Littlechit

Well, mine sees his bio grandparents and a bio aunt, so as soon as he's old enough to understand those words and/or realizes that most people don't have six grandparents, he'll get it spelled out to him.

Penny A (Vanessa)

Adoptive parents have to tell the child before they turn 7, that is the law here in Australia. So I guess that's a good benchmark.

Mutya P

It is fine to inform the kid about his adoption. But be sure to shower him with Motherly Love and Fatherly Love so that in the end, he will grow in a normal manner. Give him full support and understanding. Mold him well to become a good individual.
Have a nice day and GOD BLESS THE CHILD :)

ponygirl

i was adopted. my mom told me when i was 5. and my mom just said . did u know u were adopted. or sweetie u were adopted

sam22254

I would say it depends on the child. At 3 I don't think that they really understand. I have gone through this with my grandson. Last month he told me he was adopted %2

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