When do you start feeling better?

MamaKate

Dear Just a Mom,

First of all, please accept my most sincere condolences on your family's loss. Losing people we care about is one of the most difficult and painful experiences in the journey of life. Even when death is a release, as it was for my Father, who succumbed to complications of Multiple Sclerosis three years ago next week, after more than twenty years of pain, it is hard to let go of those who have meaning in our lives.

The grieving process is different for everyone and no one should pressure or judge you about your personal process. The process is made even harder when one has constant reminders about the person they lost or feels that there was unfinished business or unspoken words still left to say. If you are having a very hard time, please seek someone to help you understand the process of grief and help you at least unburden some of the pain.

There are supposed to be 5 stages of grief, and they do not come in any particular order and may even reoccur multiple times. Some people do not experience all of them. Everyone is different.

â€¢ Disbelief
â€¢ Yearning
â€¢ Anger
â€¢ Depression
â€¢ Acceptance

For some relationships, grief is a truly life-long process (without closure); especially for close relationships or for certain kinds of situations and/or people. Some people have cyclical or re-occuring bouts with one or more stages.

I sometimes wonder if guilt isn't the sixth stage. Many people feel guilt during their process, some for things left undone, some suffer "survivor's guilt", some for other reasons. Again, everyone is different.

I have lost several people in my life who mean a great deal to me. I grieve in cycles. I also feel guilt.

Grief is so personal that there is no right or wrong way to do it. You must face it on your own terms and get help if you need it. Things that feel comforting, soothing or ease the pain can, on other days, bring floods of memories, pain, guilt, etc.

My Father was a Mathematician and the infinity symbol holds a signifigant place in my family's lives - we even had it engraved on Dad's headstone, intertwined with a mobius strip heart. Sometimes I take great comfort in seeing it and wear a necklace with an infinity charm on it to make me feel close to Dad; but other times it make me cry and I wonder if infinate love is really enough to bring us back to one another someday.

I also feel the same about certian things about my children's adoption. Seeing my two boys, with the same eyes, face shapes, hair color, etc is sometimes overwhelmingly painful but is also enormously comforting at the same time. There is a locket I used to never take of that contained pictures of my other kids, it was my crutch for years. I took it off about four years ago, because I don't need it right now. Some days I have to turn the photos of L & T backwards when I can't bear to look at their eyes but other days their eyes make everything seem so hopeful.

The best advice I can give you is to go at your own pace, your feelings are valid and you have every right to feel. I know you will keep Theresa's memory alive for the children and that she will always have a place in you heart and in your lives. She will forever be close to you and I assure you that she would be proud of you, for both your real and true friendship and for making sure that those beautiful children will live in lives of love along with her memory.

You have my utmost respect for your relationship with her as well as my most heartfelt and deepest sympathy on the loss your friend, your children's other mother and a very special person in your life. I hope that time will heal your pain and that of your children. Hugs to you all.

PhilM

I don't know.

Honestly.

I lost a friend 16.5 years ago. I still miss her. But it doesn't hurt quite so much anymore.

Do I feel better now? I don't know. I don't think about her every second. So in that way, I've moved on with my life. But whenever I do think about her, all those emotions come surging back up again.

Time doesn't heal. But it does give some distance that makes it more manageable, I think.

ETA: I understand the guilt. Sometimes I go days without thinking about her, and then worry that I've somehow not lived up to my end of the bargain. Grief is a funny thing. Other times I worry that she doesn't want me thinking about her at all.

Independ"ant"

I feel you. A good friend of mine that lost full custody of her son during a nasty divorce had to deal with death a couple years ago. Her ex-husband needed meds but didn't take them because it interfered with his creative thinking which he needed for his career. He shot himself in the head. What she did was admirable. She could have finally taken her son home but decided to keep him in his familiar environment with his step mom and his school. She gave him the option but told him it might be best for him for awhile. She just tried to keep everything normal and talks about it when her son wants to talk about it. He appears to be well adjusted and has no signs of depression but then again as close as he was to his dad, you never know if he's suppressing his feelings. She just keeps an eye on his behavior.

Give it time, give them space and continue living life. It will get better in a sense. Right now your in a fog of disbelief and grief but things will become clearer as time passes. Try to give the kids "options" of even the littlest of things. It will help them feel like they have a little control and a voice that matters.

Bart

Talk to them and anyone else in your group of friend. grief can be a strong emotion. It may help to realize that it is ok for them not to grieve the same way you do. I still will cry every now and then and my father died over 20 years ago. it will be easier to live with the grief once you face it JMO

Minnimouse

Death is a unique part of life really. It can affect us in different ways, from who it was, how close they were, how much time we had for it to sink in (whether it was a terminal illness or a car crash) and whether we had plans for the future together. I have experienced a range of losses including through death and grieved very differently for each person. For my grandfather he had cancer so I grieved for him even before he died, so once he died, I didn't cry or feel sad, it was more of a relief that he was pain free. However, I had a friend die who went to my school and I still sometimes struggle with it , it's more shocking with a sudden death, you think that friendly, smiley person who I swapped comic books with and chatted through lessons with is gone. It is hard to cope with.

A loss doesn't even have to be a death either. The biggest loss in my entire life was not a death but a loss of a loved one (foster sibling). And it had the same effect that you are talking about. It has been over 11 years since he was kicked out, most days I'm fine, I don't really think about it at all, but then suddenly something will come up and it will hit me, and I will be grief stricken. I also felt guilty about it too. If only you could talk to the person who died, I am sure they would reasure you and make you feel more at ease with your feelings. I talked to my foster brother last year and he told me not to feel guilty about anything and it was such a relief to hear that I bawled my eyes out for about 3 hours straight and all this weight came off my shoulders. Just those words.

I am sure the mother would say the same thing too. Don't feel guilty about spending days not thinking about her. She is in her children who will live on and the memory of her will never be lost. If you take your mind off her for a moment you won't forget her. You have your life too. But at the same time, don't try to hold in the feelings too much either. Spend time thinking about it and letting some of that greif out, because it does relieve things temporarily. Without forcing it, you will notice you will dwell a little less on it and eventually even though you may have moments of sadness, it won't rule over your life.

I'm really sorry, it seems so tragic ,and talk to the children about it too, don't hide your feelings from them either, it is okay to be open about it.

Jennifer L

Grief is a pretty personal thing. Everyone works through it on their own time and in their own terms. Nobody can sit back here and say "In three weeks, you will stop grieving." Everything is still very fresh now and I don't think your reaction is inappropriate.

One day at a time. There are some great resources out there for grief.

I am very sorry for your loss.

sizesmith

Everyone experiences grief in different ways. Possibly, you might be overwhelmed with everything, and might be suffering from clinical depression in addition to the grief. It's normal to grieve, cry, and sometimes to even laugh about the good times. If you don't feel better in a day or 2, make an appointment with your doctor, and ask him/her for some help. The kids need you at 100% now. As an adoptive mom, I've felt a feeling kind of like survivor's guilt, even though she asked me to adopt, and if we hadn't already signed the papers, the baby would have been taken by CPS, because she used meth the day he was born. It wasn't my fault that she wouldn't have been able to rescind the adoption without going to jail. Do you suffer from a guilt in addition to grief? My prayers are with you. It's a hard time to lose anyone you've been close too, especially since it's someone near your own age. When we are young and lose a friend, it's really scary, because all of a sudden, we realize that we aren't invincible anymore.

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