When is placing a baby up for adoption the right choice?

What makes giving up your baby the right thing for the baby? How can a mother do it if the father of the baby is unwilling but is also an unfit parent? For me it seems unfair for me to have the baby when battling cancer messed up my birth control and I am not yet in remission. I chose the baby's health over my own but I don't know if or for how long I will be around to care for it. The father abuses drugs and alcohol and could never support a baby financially but refuses to let me give the baby up for adoption.Is there any legal way to adopt out the baby without his permission? Even if it is in the best interest of the child?
Additional Details
Thank-you all for responding! I feel I should give a little more info to help with the advice. I am 35 years old and I have a 9 year old son and a 6 year old daughter. Both have different fathers. I have one child who wants to know who is father is and one child that suffering because of who the father is. I was diagnosed with colon cancer 3 years ago. Since then it has moved to my pancreas. I had to stop treatment because of this pregnancy. I have already had to legally prepare for my death and my son will go with my mother who is 63 and a little too old to be raising kids and my daughter has to go with her father even though she doesn't want to. I won't know how long I have until after this pregnancy when the doctors can resume treatment. My children will be split up and I don't think my mother can raise an infant and trust me when I say the father shouldn't. I have already seen how my illness has affected my children. I love this baby and I want to do whats best for it.

PhilM

Lying on the birth certificate about who you child's father is is wrong. It is not in the best long-term interests of your child. Your child may very well want to know who his or her father is one day. If you lie on the birth certificate and have died, how will your child ever find out?

No parent ever knows how long they will be around. Have you already been given a terminal prognosis? If not, why not give your child whatever years you have left? Are there family members (god-parents) that might raise the child if it becomes impossible for you? At least the child would still have family around, family that could tell them about you.

There are more options here than adoption. And certainly than adoption to strangers, the worst possible option.

ETA: On another question you wrote: "I have a nine year old son who has never met his father. I was 25 when I got pregnant with him and I couldn't bring myself to get an abortion either. He sometimes asks me about his father and I have felt it best to lie to him that I can't find his father but if I could that I know that he would adore him." And in your response, you never mentioned cancer or being pregnant. So which is it? Do you already have a nine year old son? Or are you just now pregnant wondering what to do?

Lori A

I'm with Phil on the lying on the birth certificate. This is imortant information for a person. This child is going to grow up one day and have children of their own. Any medical information obtained (if adopted) is going to be through that birth certificate. That lie goes much further than you are thinking. Don't do it, find another way, talk to family and friends, call social services, their always willing to separate families. But don't lie.

Gaia Raain II

When you're dead or planning to abuse your child and unwilling to get help. Otherwise, your baby should be with you while you get whatever assistance you need.

No, there is no legal way to give away someone else's child. (The child is yours, but s/he is someone else's, too.)

cantstopLinnyG

SHAME ON EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU FOR TELLING THIS WOMAN TO LIE ABOUT THE BABY'S FATHER, OR TO CONTACT YOU SO YOU CAN GET HER BABY!!

All children are angels. Agreed...but it's disgusting how the SAME greedy pap's troll for babies. Same with one SIZE fits all.

It is NEVER in the best interest of a child to give it to strangers. I am sorry you are battling cancer. Ive had cancer twice. Your child wants YOU....for as LONG as you are here. Cancer is no longer a death sentence, but adoption is- it will be the death of your relationship.

Please find someone to help you care for your child while you are having treatments. Your baby needs and loves and wants YOU- not a stranger.

PLEASE do NOT accept emails from any of the greedy baby trolls here- they dont care about you, they only care about getting their dirty hands on YOUR baby. The regulars here have already reported these creeps.

Please read about how adoption will affect your baby, and you.

Adoption is a PERMANENT solution to a TEMPORARY problem.

http://www.exiledmothers.com/adoption_facts/adoption_coercion.html

http://www.nancyverrier.com/pos.php
http://www.adoptioncrossroads.org
http://www.amfor.net/acs
http://www.origins-usa.org
http://www.motherhelp.info/index.htm
http://www.keepyourbaby.com/
http://www.cubirthparents.org
http://www.youtube.com/user/adoptedthemovie

Books:
The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier
Lost and Found: the Adoption Experience AND
Journey of the Adopted Self: A Quest for Wholeness both by Betty Jean Lifton
The Adopted break Silence by Jean Paton
The Girls Who Went Away by Ann Fessler
Adoption: Uncharted Waters,by David Kirschner
Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search for Self by David Brodzinsky
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mom to be

I am sorry your sick. Do not lie about the father on the birth cert. If you think he is not able to parent, then you have to work your way through the system and prove he is unfit.

BPD Wife

Adoption is the best choice when it is done with the child at the center of all the decisions and the adoption focuses on what is best for the child.

Heather B

If both parents are dead and/or unfit parents AND there is no extended family capable of raising their family member.

SarahM

I would speak to a lawyer. If he's proven to abuse drugs and alcohol, the court may take away his rights as a father.

As for my opinion on when it's right to give a baby up for adoption..I think it's right anytime the mother feels she cannot care for a baby the way she feels he should be cared for. Whether it's emotionally, physically, or financially.

I'm sorry you're going through this, I can't imagine how hard this is for you. Talk to a lawyer. And I hope the best for you and the baby. :)

Mummy2Dylan

wow what a tough situation..honestly tho i dont think this is the place to discuss something like this it would be better to see a councillor or something..i honestly dont know wat i would do if i were in ur shoes

alliboo.

You can put the baby's father as 'Unknown' and you can give it up for adoption without even asking him. I'm pretty sure. One of my OBGYN doctors told me that because I thought the father of the baby had to sign a paper to release it to anyone else. And i'm sure he knows what he's talking about. So you could more than likely do that!

sizesmith

Depending on where you're at, there is a law called the putative father registry in some states. Our state has it where the father must place his name on the registry, in writing, that he is the father, and after 10 days, he loses his rights, but not his obligations. A lot of this depends on where you live, and your local laws, and where you give birth at.

I do recommend open adoption, so you can know your child as long as possible, however, that might be a link where the unfit parent could find the child and possibly cause trouble.

If the father has potential of VERY SOON becoming a good parent, then he should be able to do so. If he shows concern only for his own needs, then I'd guess the baby is better off without him. Contact me if you need more information on this law.

AdoreHim

It already seems that you are putting your baby first- it is a wonderful thing to see. That said- I will pray that you will be healed completely of this cancer. I would talk to an adoption lawyer about the legalities of placing for adoption without the father's consent. Putting the father of your baby as unknown, as someone said to do, I don't believe is a good idea. The father of your baby, knows that he is the father, correct? When my hubby and I adopted our first child 20 years ago- they had to try and contact the father of the baby so that he would not come back years later and fight the adoption. They can sever the rights of the father, but it needs to be done legally- and if they find him to be an unfit dad, then the chances are good that you can place your baby.

"Golden" boy due 5/5

I would call legal aid or a adoption agency in your area. You could and I think should do a open adoption so you can see that the baby is taken care of and then child can know about you and what you were going through so when he/she grows up doesn't think that you just didn't want to raise them!

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