When is the best age to tell your child they are adopted?

Wise Advice

INFANCY. Of course you're not explaining anything to an infant, but the adoption story should be part of family conversations, a natural part of family life. There should never be a moment that you have to sit a child down and say, "I have something important to tell you." Every child, adopted or not, should know the story of how they came into their family: "We went to the hospital at midnight to have you," or "We went to the agency on a beautiful summer day to pick you up." As the child grows the conversations evolve, always age-appropriate, always open and truthful.

ladybmw1218

We currently just include it as part of our vocabulary and discussions when it comes up naturally. He is too young to understand as yet, but we plan to continue it in this way so his having been adopted will just be one of the many things that makes him who he is, like being a boy or having dimples or whatever.

Obviously, as he gets older information will be shared in an age appropriate way.

I don't think the topic should be avoided or off limits until some big dramatic reveal at a specified age.

Veleysson

I was adopted and I always knew I was. It was something I was brought up knowing and I think that that was the best way. My adopted parents would explain to me about my real parents with the help of toy owls explaining why I was adopted, (becuase my mummy was to young to look after me properly) and that I was special because I was chosen. It's the best why believe me. I have known children to completely hate their parents for not telling them at the start, and some families never recover. Let your child grow up knowing, it won't make them any less your child.

And yes I was adopted at birth so I didn't have any memory my real parents.

mychelle1270

I would think it should be a natural part of your home life. We talk openly about when we bring our babies home from the hospital, about when they first walked, when they cut their first tooth then why not talk casually and openly about when your adopted child came to be a gift to you. Making it sweet and natural gives the child a feeling of roots and belonging. Waiting to tell makes it seem like something that needed to be hidden.

Melanie J

I think it best for the child to grow up knowing they are adopted. Saves a lot of explanations and drama.

Kyler and his opinion

i think as soon as they can understand because if you wait until their older, they might resent you for it.

onerockinmamato2

We adopted two children at birth and although they are still quite young, we talk about their birthmother and their adoption with them often. Even though they can't understand it right now, we still tell their life story in our dialogue with them.

I do not want my children to ever remember a time when they found out they were adopted. I want them to always know that is how this family was created.

Waiting to tell a child, even when they are 5, 6, or 7 could have very serious emotional consquences for the child.

*Edited to add: Also, if we didn't tell them until our children until they were older, we'd have a lot of explaining to do when they saw the pictures of their birth and another lady holding them besides me right after they were born!

If you don't tell them, someone else will. The best scenario would be for your child to know their history and story in a positive way, and be proud that they are loved by your family. We encourage adoptive parents (and birth parents if possible) to make a scrapbook about their adoption journey, especially if you travel or get to meet their birthparents.

Pam

Every child wants to know about when they were born. That can be their favorite story for a long time. So tell them their story as soon as you would tell a birth child about their birth. There are some good story books (On the Day You Were Born - I think that's the title of one of them) you can read together tool. If it's just a part of their story then there will never be any awkward 'explaining' about why you waited til now to tell them.

April

I think that a child should grow up knowing they are adopted. If you tell them from the beginning and show them how amazing it was that they were chosen then it will be easier on them. If you don't tell them from the beginning you are lying to them and risk them hating you for it. If its too late then I think you need to wait until they are at least 18 years old because they can do nothing about it until they are 18.

Bouvier

The word adoption should be a part of your language with your child always, even as an infant. Be careful who you share the details with, but, when he/she begins to ask questions, is when you need to start talking about his/her story. Usually, most adoptees will begin anywhere between 6 & 9 years of age. Read books to learn how to best explain the details to him/her at such an early age, so that they come away with confidence, and not confusion or displacement.

iluvgod

ASAP
When they get older and you tell them they will have to reevaluate how they think about themselves and you! Let them know how much you love them and that the other mother wanted the best for them and now you're caring for them because you love them and also want the best for them.

Cuss

I wouldn't keep it from them. That could lead to resentment or confusion.

My lil' sister has a friend who is adopted, and her family celibrates her birthday and her adoption day. It's a beautiful thing in their family that they have her, and it was never kept from her.

If you have adopted a child who you've been keeping it from, then you oughta ask someone at the agency you adopted them from because they're going to have a heck of a lot of questions for you at any age.

Regina L

All along...when they are babies a very simple story as they get older add more details....They should know their story.

jjodom1010

My nephew is adopted and he is 4 years old. My wife's sister have already talked to him about adoption ever since he was 2 or 3 years old. Not completely such as who is biological mother is because he knows his biological mother, it is my wife's and his mother's cousin. Every year on the anniversary of the day the adoption was finalized they have a little party with him and talk to him about adoption and what it means. Last year he started asking more questions and she wasn't prepared for that. I think its a great idea, but she needs to be prepared for his questions because they are only going to get bigger and harder to answer.

eve

i think you tell them immediately. i don't know how old your child is now or how long ago you adopted them but, i think the easiest thing to do is to just talk about it with the child from the very start. i have an adopted child and it is something i have always talked with himm about. otherwise it is really hard to "decide" when they will be old enough or when is a "good" time. i talked with my son as soon as he was born-- just saying things to him like I'm so glad we got to adopt him and how lucky we are to have him and how much his birthparents loved him and how much we love him and are happy he is ours, etc. it is much easier to start saying these kinds of things jsut in general to a baby when they have really no idea what you're talking about. then it becomes very natural for you to talk about it and when they do understand, just as they understand other things, they will understand that they had been adopted. the child will have questions and will understand different things in different ways as they get older.
it is very important for you to come up with an "adoption story" for your child. i think the truth is clearly the point but, also your child needs to be able to identify himself with the story and know that it is his story. just as a mother of biological children tells them the story of their birth (not at a particular "time" but, all along the way), an adoptive parent can do the same. there are lots of good books to help you and for you to read to your child. i find myself being very picky about how i want to explain adoption to my kids and i read the books first to be sure they say things the way i want them to and i don't buy books about adoption that say things in ways i'm not comfortable with. the one book i will recommend specifically to you is called "Did My First Mother Love Me?" i don't remember the author but, i've never seen a book written from that point of view. it's a simple but beautifully written picture book that explains why the child was given up. it is so important for an adopted child to know that they were given up for reasons to benefit them and that they were loved.

Laurel J

I can't remember a time when I did not know I am adopted. My parents told me before I could really understand, and the result is that I know they never lied to me.

sweetness

i agree as soon as they can understand

CHERYL

TELL THEM AS SOON AS YOU CAN. I WAS TOLD AS LITTLE AS 2 OR 3 YEARS OLD.NOT JUST ONCE WE TALKED ABOUT IT ALL MY LIFE.UP INTILL ALL MY QUESTIONS WERE ANWERED. AND MY MOTHER WENT TO THE BOOK STORE AND GOT ME SOME BOOKS ON BEING ADOPTED.GOOD LUCK
IF YOU ARE NOT READY,THEN YOU NEED TO WAIT,INTILL YOU ARE READY. BUT PLEASE DON'T WAIT INTILL ITS TO LATE.

ergoa112

11 girls-13 boys

foxylady559

That information depends upon the parents and the child. Some children are told as soon as they are able to understand stories and books. Other factors include how your families feel about your adopting a child. Some family members can never accept an adopted child. This has to be taken into consideration.

The decision to tell the child he is adopted is quite traumatic. The love of the mother who gave the child up must be stressed over and over. Nothing bad must EVER be said about the biological parents. Some parents present the idea that both biological parents died and God gave this precious gift to you to love and accept as your own.

I would discourage bringing up adoption in the child's hearing, when talking to friends, strangers, etc. This makes the child question his own worth. Although parents may be doing this out of pride, the child does not understand this and may possibly feel that something is wrong because you don't claim him as your own.

The most successful adopted children are told when small they were adopted. Stress that you were able to choose this gift from God as your very own. And then drop it. Accept the child as though you both had given birth to him. He will never forget that he was adopted, but in the future if you have a baby of your own, he will feel part of the family and thrilled to have a baby brother or sister.

It is hard to break away from family, but if you have relatives who cannot accept this child, you need to withdraw from their company and keep this child away from them. The wrong words from people like this can cause scars that never heal.

I have two cousins who were adopted but never told. They are grown now with their own families and they will go to their deaths never knowing they aren't biological siblings. They love each other and their acceptance of each other is beautiful to see.

Only you and your wife/husband working together can decide this important issue. I do not approve of the new way they are allowing the biogrophical mother to be involved in her child's life. I feer the psychological effects far outweigh any advantages.

I offer my blessings and pray you make the right choice in this.

just me!

the first night you hold her in your arms you begin telling her the story of how she came to be your child. you make the story part of her bedtime story selection. you could even go so far as to write a little book telling how you searched and searched for her and when you found her you knew in your heart that she was your daughter! and you tell her how much her bio mum loved her, but couldn't keep her and gave her to you because she knew you loved her daughter as much as she did!
bless you for adopting, bless you for caring, and bless you and your new little one. may your lives be filled with joy and happiness!

lahdh4

Why wait. Start telling them their story while they are an infant and continue the story as they get older. This way there are not any surprises or slip ups from someone else saying something in front of them.

Papi & Shonda

The bast time would be as soon as they understand because if you wait to long he/she might be upset that you waited that long.

chris murray

as young as poss try telling them in a story, so when they are older it will be easier for them to understand, thats what my adoptive parents told me and hey it worked...

mumoffour

I'm really pleased you asked this question as its something we are also considering with our child, my feelings are that as soon as the child is of an age to understand a little maybe say around 3 or 4 depending on the child you begin to explain. Have you made a lifebook or anything? Just think this may also help, we have one for our little one which has all her information in plus all about us and all about her birth parents etc.

Can I also add that for those who think its better to wait to 10 upwards, my dad found out at 12 that his mum wasnt his birth mum and it totally messed his head up, he turned to drink and just never coped with the fact they had covered up something for such a long time, he always wanted to know why his mum left him and he never found out sadly he died at 42 and never got his answers so I really feel as soon as the child begins to understand a little thats the best time to bring bits of things up and so that as they get older for them its always been a part of their life

Ravenfeather

I agree with the answerers that said it is important to talk to the child from the very beginning--to make it a part of what you talk about when speaking of the child and his/her origins.
The word 'adopted' should be part of the vocabulary of the family. That is part of how you became a family.
Many people claimed that the child wouldn't understand at first. This is true, however, it is presumptuous to think one knows when the DO begin to understand. Research is finding that babies understand much more than thought, much earlier.
That is why it is important to talk to the baby as if he/she understands, because we don't know at what point understanding actually happens. (Perhaps it is gradual--all the more reason to bring it up)
You can talk to the baby before it is born. I know people involved in open adoptions and the adoptive parents spent time with the birth mother before the birth. They talked to the child while it is still in the womb. It is a wonderful way to for the child to get to know the parents.
In our family, every year on the birthday of the child, I would tell them the story of the birth. They would never tire of hearing it. This can be done with an adopted child, as well. (She can have two birthdays--the 'birth day' and the 'adoption day' and get to hear two stories about them)

babey

as soon as u think they would understand i found out when i was 5

cyborg_2099

It is really going to depend on the maturity of the individual child. I think if you tell them before they are ready to really understant what happened that can lead to all kinds of problems. But if you wait to long then she will think you didnt want them to know or were holding back on them. I would say from personal exp. about 13-15 years old. Just my 2 cents. We did it when she was early 14 and everything is just great. She understands and does not resent anything. For us this worked out well be we discussed it for quite awhile till we thought she could handle it....good luck.....I guess the other thing is how and when the adoption took place and why.. these are also factors to look into...

MANGOMIATA has awesome thighs!

Whenever you feel that the child is mature enough to handle that information. There is no set age since children by age and gender mature at differing times. That is for you to decide based on all that you know of the child.

Sandy :O)

try

My mum is about to tell my brother who is now 30 years that he was adopted. Any suggestion on we should handle it?

Realistic55

Well...I chose not to tell my child....for a number of reasons. She is now 20, well adjusted, in college and doing great, and I'm prepared to talk with her over summer break. Any suggestions for those of us who did not follow the course of most?

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