When should the focus change on family reunification to permanency planning for children?

There is a tightwalk rope here. Now first if you know me you know I really believe in families staying together if they can....I worked hard and well as a foster parent.

My dilemna tonight...and I am not ashamed to admit I have shed many many tears tonight, is that a child was in our home for a year. Their was uncertainty as her parents were not doing anything to better their situation. (drugs)

Mom got pregnant again, and cleaned up and we all happily worked together, had the parents in our house and eventually the child went home to parents and new baby. Six months later, back in care were both of them, and alas I had moved provinces and (and thus my adoption journey began) and I was not around to take the placement.

One year later it went to court for permanency planning, which is where it is right now. The child will now be four and spent only 9 months in total with her parents, but there is an incredible bond. Her mom, now pregnant with child number three, just went into treatment, and I am sure the court will grant them one more chance.

I just feel, for me, for this child, four years in care is too much. Four years of back and forth is too much. I believe this and cry for this child, and really for her family, and for me as well because I miss her.

This all said, I just wonder, where is the line....what if this time treatment takes and all is good? What if it doesn't take and then we are on year six?

I just wondered others thoughts and please note I am NOT trashing mom's or saying that all First mom's are like this, but in this situation this is what is happening, and I am processing my feelings about it.

When I fostered I usually did not become attached, but this child has been in my mind and heart, and I wonder how on earth the courts can make these life altering decisions on when parents rights are terminated.

Sigh.

Just looking for other stories, wisdom, and maybe just a little bit of encouragement because I am quite saddened, and frankly people in the "real" world may not understand as many of you would.

Thanks for listening to my "question".
Additional Details
ETA: Grieved as I am, sterilization is soooo NOT the answer. Thank you for the compliment, but remember I LIKE the mom, just know she can't get over her addictions. STerilization? Sad as I am that is just not the answer and goes against everything I believe in.

Flying Monkey #073177

Four years is too long. Nine months is too short. In some cases they terminate parental rights too quickly and in other cases the children languish in care as deadbeats are given chance after chance. There appears to be no rhyme or reason to they "why's" of it all.

OMFG! I can not believe that someone has just suggested involuntary sterilization! FREAK! Get the woman a good IUD or norplant or some other long term birth control but to suggest someone be sterilized against their will is just revolting.

Looney Tunes

Let's applaud the greatness of the foster care system.......

Once again, rising to the occasion of caring for kids.

*sigh*

icehockeymom7

Sigh. I have tears right along with you. I think you are asking the 6 million dollar question, and it is soooo hard to know the answer! On the one hand, I get furious when I see biological parents being given what seems like infinite chances to straighten themselves up while their child is being tossed around from home to home and having no life whatsoever. Part of me just feels like people should NOT be allowed to completely screw up their child's life like that after a certain amount of time. But, as you said, how do you determine when that amount of time has passed? And of course a child is going to have a loyalty to their biological parent, even if that parent was abusive and neglectful....that loyalty will be there, understandably. But being in your position, having loved that child for 4 years, knowing she has only had 9 months of time with her bio parents, and fearing for her well being, that would just be so very hard. It is part of why I think many people shy away from foster care. People are just afraid they don't have the emotional strength to love a child that much and then lose her, especially if you are losing her to a not-so-good situation. I am sure that if you felt better about her biological family, if you felt she was going to be loved and cared for in the way she deserves, this would not be nearly so hard. Yes you would miss her,but you would know she was where she belongs. But when a situation is abusive or neglectful, just having that "biological" part attached does not make it the right place for the child. I don't have any answers for you, just empathy, hugs and support. I hope things can turn out for the best in this small child's life....she still has so many years of this. Sigh.

â™¥â™¥Ritaâ™¥â™¥

IMO, TPR should have been looked upon directly after the first came back in to custody with the sibling....and then the third should have been picked up as well. Mom should have been, if she wasn't, locked up in an intensive treatment facility and steps should have been taken to traverse whatever barriers there were to adoption. Now, that is not to say adoption should have been the necessary next step, but maybe if mom knew this was looming in the mist....she would have pulled her head out of the proverbial rear end or inserted her glass belly button...in other words she would have been seeing the light of day!!

Sometimes a great motivator to these parents is knowing their rights are almost gone.......had this happened with the first two, maybe she would have taken the steps not to bring another child in to the world who she cannot parent......birth control. No, I do not endorse forced sterilization but I do endorse birth control and prayer that these folks will get it together before having any more babies.....I would love to be out of a job someday.

I am sorry to hear about your worry and concern over these children whom you seem to care about a great deal. I wish I could say I understand...but I can only imagine. I know what it is to worry about my children though and it is nothing I jump to do.....worry....

Take care!!

Indian-vision

I feel so sad for this child and annoyed with the mother and the society for putting the child through this.

I am able to understand the pain you feel.

Crucio

I agree Shay it may seem cruel but if someone repeatedly keeps having children and repeatedly has them taken away something should be done. Parents should be given a certain length of time to get their act together perhaps 2 years. If they have made some strides then their time frame can be extended. If they have not gotten their act together or at least improved by say 50% then I think its time to terminated rights and try to get the child(ren) into an adoptive family. Itâ€™s just not right for a child to have to be living in limbo for years simple because their parents just canâ€™t get their acts together. I realize breaking an addiction can be very hard but the fact is someone has got to want to truly quit or improve their lives for it to happen.

I would also think giving too much time to improve will cause some to wait until the very last minute to start.

Independ"ant"

My sister fosters and has had children in her home more than and less than 4 yrs. that eventually went home to their natural parents. Currently she has 5 children in her care. I can't say for sure what exactly is going through her head/heart but I know she never looks at fostering like its for keeps. She just provides a home away from home and loves and treats the children as if they were her own. She develops a strong attachment to all the children and tries to keep in touch with all them after the go back to their natural families.

In your case...its sad that her family is going through vicious cycles. I'm sure my sister has seen it all. I personally wish the govt and health insurance companies would start looking at addiction like the disease that it is and not as something to just get over. Insurance today barely covers detox and I can't imagine what its like for those without insurance. I think if you spend some time really learning about addiction and meeting other people in recovery and seeing the obstacles they face, you will find some comfort in understanding it. Addiction is a multifaceted disease and nobody wants to be an addict.

Try to replace her addiction with breast cancer.....would you still want to have her child permanently taken from her with exhausting all efforts.

plameifudare

I would like to know the answer to that question as well. I have power of attorney and c.p.s. placement of my 15 month old niece. We have had her since she was 6 months old and as in your case, the mother is again pregnant, with her 4th child ( child 1 and 2 are with their maternal grandfather but he could not take a baby as well) and is indeed getting her 'tubes tied' after she gives this one up for adoption. The father is on drugs, and not stopping. She is essentially homeless and works for cigarette money and a bus pass. We would love to adopt our lovely niece and save her from a life of torment and woe. Both of the other children are in counseling and therapy because of the mess. My answer is as soon as possible and fight with all you've got!

Kazi

I'm sorry you are hurting and I am especially sorry for all these children. Addiction is horrible and I cannot imagine what it must feel like to need a fix so badly that it is worth more than your own kids. I also appreciate that it is a disease and it is not easily kicked. But all of these mitigating factors do not negate the fact that her predicament is based on choices. Bad choices. Addiction does not make her a bad person, but it does render her incapable of being a mother and parent in the verb sense of the words. I asked a question before about foster care being more about the parents welfare and rights than the child, and this situation screams the former. Kids are not property or toys and they shouldn't be placed in stasis or in suspended animation. They have needs that they have a right to be filled: loved and parented in a healthy way by people who choose them over drugs; who will put them first. I don't care what adults go through or what brought them there, I care about the kids. Adults by definition should be able to take care of themselves or they have no business either creating or adopting children. As far as I am concerned they have a responsibility to pull out all of the stops to take care of their children and if they can't then they should allow them to find a family that will, while hopefully still remaining in their lives.

Kate

It is so sad. at the moment we have a one year old (parents are foster parents) and he is finally up for adoption, however his biological mother had a baby and she of course does not want the baby, however, the Aboriginal ministry is its own thing now, and the year old is not apart of the new rules. However, the aboriginal ministry they want kids to stay in care for life, including kids that have no biological anyone in the picture.

It breaks my heart that the baby who was placed with us might have to stay here, well her brother is adopted, we are hoping and praying that the rules will be bent and she can go with the brother to a new home.

I do know that once parental rights are terminated, it is too late even if a mother cleans up, has another child and is doing great, normally the other children it's too late.

It's sad, I know.

Shay M

First of all, Thank You! For doing what you do. We need more like you. Every Wednesday I work for a Ped surgeon and get to see first hand what happens to these kids. I'm jaded but I still cry sometimes when I leave work.

My opinion on this: Mom needs to be sterilized. She is not capable of birth control and more kids are hurting, not helping the problems. She's been given several chances to prove she can be a parent and has failed everytime. I don't think she will stay clean. If she can't take care of herself how can she care for a child?

What good foster parents do is heroic. It's also heartbreaking. I decided in my teens that I'd never have kids for fear of passing on my medical problems and making another life miserable. I'm 34 married and no kids. My Mom has Border Line Personality Disorder, my childhood was hell.

I can't tell you what to do. Listen to your heart and your mind. This child needs all the positive she can get, but you can't make yourself crazy either. Good Luck

Enter Your Message or Comment

User Name:
User Email:
Post a comment: